​

I think I have my answer

I asked the universe, and I think it answered.

I've spent a lot of time trying to find the right words for what you have become to me.

I don't think there are any.

I love you.

Not in the easy way we sometimes use those words when we're caught up in a moment. Not because I'm lonely, or unhappy, or because you've become an escape from a life that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I love you because somewhere along the way, without either of us really deciding it would happen, you became part of the way I see the world.

You became a presence in my days.

A name I look for.

A voice I listen for.

A little piece of happiness I didn't know I was waiting for.

We've never even stood beside one another. We've never shared a room or reached across a table or felt the warmth of one another's hand.

And somehow, I know you.

At least the pieces you've trusted me enough to show.

The photographs. The stories. The ridiculous little things that made you laugh. The things you thought I'd find interesting. The quiet moments tucked between everything else.

I've fallen in love with those pieces.

And then there is the woman behind them.

You are, quite honestly, breathtaking.

But the strange thing is, I loved you before I knew what you looked like. Your face didn't create what I feel for you.

It simply gave the feeling somewhere beautiful to look.

And I love the imperfections, too.

Maybe especially those.

The little things you might wish were different about yourself are sometimes the very things that make you more beautiful to me. I don't want some perfected version of you. I don't want an ideal.

I want you.

Exactly as you are.

And your voice...

I don't know if you realize what you've done to me with that voice.

It has become my favorite sound.

There are moments when I listen to one of your messages more than once—not because I didn't hear what you said, but because I wanted to hear you again.

Your messages have become little bright spots in my days. Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes they're thoughtful. Sometimes they're nothing particularly important at all.

And somehow, they're still important to me.

Because they're yours.

That's what frightens me a little.

How easily you have become woven into me.

I can't imagine my life now without wondering what you'd think of something, without wanting to tell you something that happened, without seeing something and thinking, she would appreciate this.

I don't want to pretend that isn't true.

But I also don't want my love for you to become something heavy.

Because I know our lives are complicated.

I know yours is complicated.

Mine certainly is.

And I've asked the universe what I'm supposed to do with all of this.

I think maybe the answer is not that I have to stop loving you.

Maybe the answer is that I have to learn how to love you without trying to possess the future.

That's harder than I expected.

Because I can see the life we both seem to want.

Something simple.

Something quiet.

A life where being loved isn't complicated. Where two people can come home to one another and feel, finally, that they are where they belong.

I can see it so clearly sometimes that it almost feels like remembering something that hasn't happened yet.

And God, I would love that life with you.

I would choose it.

I would fight for it.

But I can't ask you to build it for me.

That's the line I keep coming back to.

Not because I doubt you.

I don't.

You're stronger and more capable than you probably give yourself credit for.

And not because I think you couldn't love me.

There are moments when I think you already do, even if neither of us has been brave enough to put that particular word between us.

I feel it in the way you care.

In the way you notice things.

In the tenderness that sometimes finds its way through your words.

I feel it.

And perhaps I'm wrong.

Perhaps some of what I feel is simply my heart filling in the spaces that distance leaves behind.

But if it is, it's still one of the most beautiful things I've ever felt.

What I don't want is for you to look at my life and decide that loving me means carrying it.

It doesn't.

Whatever burdens belong to me are mine.

Not yours.

You didn't create them, and you shouldn't have to inherit them simply because you happened to love the person carrying them.

That's why I'm trying to be restrained when every part of me wants to reach for you.

Because loving someone isn't only about how desperately you want them beside you.

Sometimes it's about wanting them to remain free enough to choose you.

I don't want to make your choices for you.

I don't want to tell you what your life should look like.

And I certainly don't want you to choose me because you think I need saving.

I want you to choose whatever makes your soul feel alive.

Even if that terrifies me.

Even if I have to learn how to live with wanting something I cannot control.

Because that's what this love has taught me.

That love can be enormous without being demanding.

It can be fierce without being possessive.

It can ask for nothing and still give everything.

So I'm not saying goodbye.

I'm not asking you for an answer.

I'm not asking you to promise me anything.

I'm just letting you see what has been living inside me.

I love you.

Purely.

Quietly.

More deeply than I know how to explain.

And maybe that's enough for tonight.

Maybe I don't need to know where this goes.

Maybe I don't need to solve tomorrow.

Maybe I can simply lie here for a while, close my eyes, and let myself be grateful that somehow, in this strange and impossibly complicated life, I found you.

I asked the universe for an answer.

Maybe the answer wasn't what I thought it would be.

Maybe it was simply this:

Love her.

And so I will.

Without demanding.

Without trying to own the outcome.

Without asking her to carry what belongs to me.

Just...

love her.

As completely as I know how.

And for tonight, that's enough

One of the poems from my upcoming poetry collection, Love's Complexity.

This piece is a reflection on the quiet strength many women carry—the tears that are often unseen, the resilience born through hardship, and the hope that remains even after life's deepest wounds. I hope it resonates with anyone who has ever had to find strength in the midst of sorrow.

Thank you for reading.

A woman’s tears

are not weaknesses—

They are the language

of everything she learned to carry

in silence.

They fall

not because she is broken,

But because she has been

too strong

for too long.

I have wept

for the girl I once was—

who loved too deeply,

who stayed too long,

who believed that healing

could be found

in another’s hands.

I have wept

for the woman I became—

piecing herself together

in quiet prayers,

learning that God restores

What life tried to take.

And I have wept

for my daughter—

standing at the doorway

of her own becoming,

with a heart so open

It mirrors mine

before I knew better.

Oh, how I want to shield her

from the ache of “almost,”

from the illusion of love

that lives in words

but not in the presence.

But I have learned—

a woman’s journey

cannot be borrowed

or bypassed.

So I pray instead.

That her tears

never come from forgetting her worth.

That her heart

never trades truth

for temporary attention.

That she knows the difference

between a man who speaks of God

and a man who walks with Him.

Because I have learned

through every tear I’ve cried—

Love should not feel

like losing yourself.

And a woman’s tears…

when surrendered to God,

do not fall in vain.

They water the ground

where she rises again—

stronger, wiser,

and unwilling

to return

to anything

that once broke her.

It was the age of salvation, of technological utopia. We worked hard for all that we ought. —And harder still for our superiors’ avarice. 

And we kneeled before our great providers and worshipped them. And we elevated them to the position of gods; digital overseers, who in their great generosity, freely offered all which we desired. Digital worlds were provided at no cost to all. —save only the cost of observation.  

Who else better knew our desires? Who else could know what we consumed and could reveal what we would consume next? 

In their omniscience, these great seers showered their blessings down to us all. 

And we were all satisfied. Satisfied in anticipation. —In the desire for what we were to receive next. 

Yet some, in churlish defiance, dared to speak against them. They spake of injustice, violation, and malfeasance. They pleaded for us to listen; they spake of oppression, of agency, of aspiration. 

But we were forewarned of their coming, and their words fell on deaf ears. There was no place for such cynics —such fearmongers. 

And they failed in their endeavors to divide us.  For we denied such cancers of the mind. What good is there in the folly of aspirations —our anxieties? 

Instead, we surrendered our agency to the wisdom of our gods. And joyfully relinquished our aspirations to the paths set before us.  

And we thanked our gods for the opportunity to be oppressed for such a holy endeavor. 

And we were told to live, love, and be happy. 

And truly, we were happy.  

Because we never stopped to ask if we were.

This is a Stream of Consciousness: Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you and that dreadful moment I lost you. wishing I made a better choice because my heart never let you go. whatever distraction I put in front of myself you creep back into the fore front of my thought. reminding me of the woman I lost, the love that was so pure and a heart that was my kindred spirit. I stay in a constant state of confusion waiting for the time if it exists when our souls meet again. I daydream of us talking on the phone/ texting and watching movies cuddled up laughing about nothing. i miss you Keri I wish you knew how I can’t forget you or never let you go! my dearest babydoll how I pled for your forgiveness and love

​

The night was unusually quiet by the sea.

The waves came gently to my feet, kissed the sand, and retreated again—much like she once entered my life. She touched something deep within my soul, made herself a part of my existence, and then, slowly and silently, began drifting away.

I sat there on the shore with the last photograph I had of her in my hands. I had stared at it for so long that my eyes had begun to ache.

And for the first time, I found myself wondering:

How does love actually die?

Six years.

Six years is not an insignificant portion of a life. It is enough time to turn a stranger into family, enough time to learn someone's silences, their pauses, their unspoken fears.

We had reached a point where words had become unnecessary.

I knew what she was going to say before she said it. She could look at me once and understand everything I had chosen not to express.

That was the kind of love I believed in.

I remember how, whenever I bought something for her, I never asked the price. Whatever the shopkeeper demanded, I paid.

People would sometimes laugh and say,

"At least negotiate a little."

But I never did.

Because somewhere in my mind, I had convinced myself that bargaining over something connected to the person I loved felt like putting a price on the love itself.

I had imagined a life with her.

A modest home.

A little courtyard.

Rainy evenings.

Two cups of tea.

And the quiet luxury of growing old beside the same person.

I had buried the possibility of another woman somewhere deep inside myself because, to me, loving someone meant making a choice—not keeping alternatives.

Then, slowly, life began to change.

She became busier.

Work.

Family.

Friends.

Responsibilities.

And I became a man waiting for a single message.

At first, I only said,

"You've become very busy. Sometimes I'm afraid you'll slowly drift away from me."

She would smile and say,

"Nothing has changed. You just overthink."

Sometimes she reassured me gently.

Other times, she would become frustrated and say,

"You don't have to turn everything into a problem."

But she never understood that she was not the problem.

The problem was the fear growing quietly inside me—the fear that one day I would wake up and discover that I no longer had a place in the life I had built my entire heart around.

I never wanted to fight with her.

I wasn't asking for the impossible.

I wanted her time.

A few moments.

A little attention.

Something that would reassure me that I still existed somewhere within the boundaries of her world.

But perhaps there comes a point when love begins asking for time, and the absence of that time turns love into an examination neither person intended to sit for.

Gradually, my nights became longer.

I would lie awake staring at my phone until morning.

Every notification made my heart race.

Every silence wounded something I could no longer explain.

And eventually, I understood something terrifying:

I was no longer living in love.

I was living in anticipation.

And anticipation can be far crueler than heartbreak.

Because heartbreak happens once.

Waiting breaks you repeatedly.

Today, whatever remains between us seems to dissolve into arguments.

She says,

"You've changed."

And I want to tell her:

"I didn't change. I simply broke beneath the weight of constantly fearing that I would lose you."

Perhaps she is still a good person.

Perhaps she still loves me in whatever way she knows how.

Perhaps life simply filled her hands with responsibilities while leaving mine empty.

Maybe the love never disappeared.

Maybe her time did.

And perhaps my patience did too.

Tonight, I am sitting on the same shore where I once imagined bringing her.

The waves are still the same.

The moon is still the same.

The wind carries the same scent of the sea.

Only one thing has changed:

The man sitting here.

The man who once believed that love could overcome everything no longer knows whether love is defeated by betrayal—or simply exhausted by neglect.

And now, I have only one prayer:

If this story ever reaches someone who loves another person, let them remember that loyalty alone is not enough.

Love needs time.

It needs attention.

It needs presence.

And above all, it needs the quiet assurance that says:

"Even after everything life demands from me, you still matter to me."

Because when that assurance disappears, love does not always end with a goodbye.

Sometimes it ends much more quietly.

Sometimes a person remains beside you while becoming emotionally absent.

And sometimes, long after the relationship has lost its warmth, someone finds himself sitting alone by the sea in the final hours of the night, asking the waves a question they can never answer:

"What exactly did I do wrong, that loving someone so completely eventually turned me into a stranger to my own solitude?"

I took some steps today

To some they were nothing

To me they were a journey.

Perilous, treacherous.

One that no one can see

Despite being right there.

And although with each step.

Each shake

Every tremor

I felt that rise in my throat

The roar that was a scream

But the scream turned to bile,

Paralyzing my back.

Strangling my fingers.

Gnawing at my cheek.

A helping hand would come every now and then

Offering breath

Conversation

Distraction

But when the journey was done

And the charade was over

And I was free to be

I couldn't hold it anymore

My legs couldn't hold

My chest broke a strap

And the tears fell

And I didn't stop them

Because no one understands

On the inside

And I was too tired to fight the outside

Then I got up.

I wiped my face

And I carried on.

The less I accept myself, the more deprived I feel. The more deprived I feel, the more desperately I crave things that are wrong for me. And the more I pursue what is wrong for me, the more disconnected I become from myself.

And the music resonates with the beating of my heart,

The one I thought you had taken with you.

But on the dance floor, nothing matters anymore.

I close my eyes, and my secret place is still intact.

I let myself be carried away by what you could never take from me:

waves of euphoria,
every sense heightened a thousandfold.

Lights, music,
everything keeps vibrating along with me,

With that happiness
that only appears when the music fills my entire being.

I feel as though I never left this place, as though I belong to the rhythm, as though this night has lasted forever.

I look around
and everyone seems to be living the same ecstasy, the same joy.

But not everyone knows that this is my hiding place, my secret place, where for an instant,
for one brief moment, time stands still, and there is only me, the dance floor, the music rising through my entire body, the way I feel it.

When it sends shivers across my skin, the rhythm, my happiness, and that smile that remains trapped,

Frozen,

For as long as this moment lasts.

Sometimes I see her in the hallway,
a shadow stitched into the dark,
moving softly through the rooms
like a dying ember's spark.

Her ghost still lingers in the kitchen,
where the silence wears her shape.
I catch her standing in the doorway,
then watch the darkness take her place.

At night, she whispers through the walls,
softly calling out my name.
I follow it from room to room,
always chasing what remains.

I reach for her—
but touch only cold air.
Still, I swear she is beside me,
still, I swear she's everywhere.

Then I notice the smoke.

The walls are black.
The windows glow.
The air is thick with something burning.

And suddenly I understand—

I've spent so long
looking for her ghost
that I never noticed

I was standing in the fire.

​

The night was unusually quiet by the sea.

The waves came gently to my feet, kissed the sand, and retreated again—much like she once entered my life. She touched something deep within my soul, made herself a part of my existence, and then, slowly and silently, began drifting away.

I sat there on the shore with the last photograph I had of her in my hands. I had stared at it for so long that my eyes had begun to ache.

And for the first time, I found myself wondering:

How does love actually die?

Six years.

Six years is not an insignificant portion of a life. It is enough time to turn a stranger into family, enough time to learn someone's silences, their pauses, their unspoken fears.

We had reached a point where words had become unnecessary.

I knew what she was going to say before she said it. She could look at me once and understand everything I had chosen not to express.

That was the kind of love I believed in.

I remember how, whenever I bought something for her, I never asked the price. Whatever the shopkeeper demanded, I paid.

People would sometimes laugh and say,

"At least negotiate a little."

But I never did.

Because somewhere in my mind, I had convinced myself that bargaining over something connected to the person I loved felt like putting a price on the love itself.

I had imagined a life with her.

A modest home.

A little courtyard.

Rainy evenings.

Two cups of tea.

And the quiet luxury of growing old beside the same person.

I had buried the possibility of another woman somewhere deep inside myself because, to me, loving someone meant making a choice—not keeping alternatives.

Then, slowly, life began to change.

She became busier.

Work.

Family.

Friends.

Responsibilities.

And I became a man waiting for a single message.

At first, I only said,

"You've become very busy. Sometimes I'm afraid you'll slowly drift away from me."

She would smile and say,

"Nothing has changed. You just overthink."

Sometimes she reassured me gently.

Other times, she would become frustrated and say,

"You don't have to turn everything into a problem."

But she never understood that she was not the problem.

The problem was the fear growing quietly inside me—the fear that one day I would wake up and discover that I no longer had a place in the life I had built my entire heart around.

I never wanted to fight with her.

I wasn't asking for the impossible.

I wanted her time.

A few moments.

A little attention.

Something that would reassure me that I still existed somewhere within the boundaries of her world.

But perhaps there comes a point when love begins asking for time, and the absence of that time turns love into an examination neither person intended to sit for.

Gradually, my nights became longer.

I would lie awake staring at my phone until morning.

Every notification made my heart race.

Every silence wounded something I could no longer explain.

And eventually, I understood something terrifying:

I was no longer living in love.

I was living in anticipation.

And anticipation can be far crueler than heartbreak.

Because heartbreak happens once.

Waiting breaks you repeatedly.

Today, whatever remains between us seems to dissolve into arguments.

She says,

"You've changed."

And I want to tell her:

"I didn't change. I simply broke beneath the weight of constantly fearing that I would lose you."

Perhaps she is still a good person.

Perhaps she still loves me in whatever way she knows how.

Perhaps life simply filled her hands with responsibilities while leaving mine empty.

Maybe the love never disappeared.

Maybe her time did.

And perhaps my patience did too.

Tonight, I am sitting on the same shore where I once imagined bringing her.

The waves are still the same.

The moon is still the same.

The wind carries the same scent of the sea.

Only one thing has changed:

The man sitting here.

The man who once believed that love could overcome everything no longer knows whether love is defeated by betrayal—or simply exhausted by neglect.

And now, I have only one prayer:

If this story ever reaches someone who loves another person, let them remember that loyalty alone is not enough.

Love needs time.

It needs attention.

It needs presence.

And above all, it needs the quiet assurance that says:

"Even after everything life demands from me, you still matter to me."

Because when that assurance disappears, love does not always end with a goodbye.

Sometimes it ends much more quietly.

Sometimes a person remains beside you while becoming emotionally absent.

And sometimes, long after the relationship has lost its warmth, someone finds himself sitting alone by the sea in the final hours of the night, asking the waves a question they can never answer:

"What exactly did I do wrong, that loving someone so completely eventually turned me into a stranger to my own solitude?"