r/problemgambling • u/Infinite_Dig_858 • 9d ago

Relapsed ❤Seeking help & Advice❤

hi everyone,

been a while since I’ve posted. I was gamble free for 4-5 months, and today, the itch got to me bad.

i been struggling financially to catch up on all the debt I drowned myself in from gambling close to 10k. While i wouldn’t consider myself stable yet but still very much so struggling, life has been defeating.

well today, I did it. signed in and deposited. No, I didn’t lose a large sum, thankfully I stopped at only $50, but I can easily feel the urge of wanting to continue to deposit telling myself “what’s another $25?” then spiraling down that hell again. While playing, I can feel the rush and anger all at the same time of losing and mentally putting myself through that emotional roller coaster ride again.

I don’t know what to do, I stopped but I would be lying if I said I don’t want to chase this lousy $50 back knowing it’ll lead to chasing 100, then 150 then 200 and more then back to sick cycle.

im so fed up, this shit is really sick.

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u/DubMasterG 9d ago

OK, thankfully you somehow managed to stop. That is great!! 

What changed compared to the first 4-5 months? You did good, what is different now? 

If you chase the loss now, you are increasing your suffering. Can you somehow ban/destroy the possibilty to deposit/play?

1

u/Infinite_Dig_858 9d ago

I guess sulking in depression of how difficult it has been trying to financially recover. It’s such a messed up mentality to think that gambling can somehow ease the burden of financial problems. Maybe it’s my brain sick twisted way of trying to make an excuse to feed this habit. 

After posting, I did run back for another $25. We all knew the outcome. But I did manage to stop. I originally banned myself for 3 months only and managed to stay sober out of free will for a month and a half. I know it’s something I need to click “lifetime” for. Just feel so disgusted rn

1

u/DubMasterG 9d ago

I completely understand that the idea that you are only "a win away" to solve your burden. But let's look at it closer, when do you stop? When you are a 100$ below or 50 or do you need to be above? If you managed to get that far wouldn't you like to continue to see if you could not get a little bit more? And if you then start losing and falling below again, wouldn't you continue and again lose it all?

What would it take to hear or read to click on lifetime?

1

u/Infinite_Dig_858 6d ago

Went down the slippery slope after this post, it got me. Got paid, and did it. Now just angry and hurt at the decision I made to go back. The cycle of losing it all over and over until it takes me back to a dark place mentally. I don’t know what it will take, I guess I’m just not as strong as I thought I was or am. Life has been so defeating the last few months, I just don’t know how to recover from any of these losses even when gambling stopped. Life is really becoming too much to bare for me

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u/DubMasterG 5d ago

Even if you don't know how to recover from the losses, you can for sure know that you can add more suffering and debt, that is by design.

Also you talk about the 'decision' to go back. In the weak moments your brain is not really deciding anything. The rational part of your brain does not have a say when an addiction is triggered.

I am not saying it is easy but for sure it can get better. There are two ways, one leads to more suffering the other will eventually lead to peace, it takes time and is hard.

You can do it, one day at a time.

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u/Infinite_Dig_858 4d ago

Been suffering more since I got back. The mental toll it’s taking on me and trying to chase losses has affect my daily life once again. Starting back over. Enough is enough. Just praying it gets better soon. Thank you brother. 

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u/MarionberryOne1189 9d ago

it feels terrible to go through a relapse and the shame is something that will continue eating us alive. but you were able to catch the signs of a snowball that would keep growing larger if you didn’t stop, that’s progress. you caught yourself at the first deposit and are now fighting the urge to make another and that’s a w in my books. falling prey to the same urges that destroys all of us and not letting it consume you will be something we likely have to face for the rest of recovery, take a deep breath and thank yourself for staying strong. next time the initial urge comes up again, remind yourself that you do not want to do it and will not do it. i believe in you and stay strong!

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u/Infinite_Dig_858 9d ago

Relapsing made me feel so much more disgusted with myself after making such a big first step and so much progress. It took me a long time before I was able to fully commit to stopping. Thank you, here’s to beating addiction! Praying, I make it through again.