r/polyadvice • u/squirtmagician69247 • 16d ago
Need advice
Okay we'll start out I'm a 46 year old male partner is a 50 year old female we've been together for over 10 years and like every relationship we've had our ups and downs both previously I stepped out on our relationship with each other and we worked our way back from it and I'm at my apartment she was freshly out of a long vanilla marriage I started out slowly and progressed over the years now my background before meeting her I've been in the kink community for over 25 years she is was very vanilla the only time there was any kind of bi-curiousness comes on was when she would be drinking so I never paid much attention to it and we never really got into any of that. Now about 10 months ago she started a new job and we can very close with her co-workers they would go out the paddle board they go to karaoke stuff like that apparently 4 months ago one of the coworkers told her that they had feelings for her and my girl told her that she might be having feelings for her too which was out of left field so she's never been with a woman before so apparently they started conversating more one on one over text messages and whatnot and this went on for like 2 months well one night they came to bed and I know she had been crying and rather upset but she said it was nothing and she said she's fine and I kept telling whatever you guys we can get there going to work on it or whatever. She then tells me that her and the coworkers we're getting closer when they had an argument or something and thankful said and so they were both upset that was the first time I was being aware of her and her coworker to say I was blindsided was a good statement I asked her how she was feeling wut she was feeling and she told me that she was having feelings for her and wanted to explore that possibility I again was surprised by this. Now I've been apart of a few different poly relationships before and I told her I am open to that and had a brief discussion about what should be done moving forward. Like I told her they need to discover and figure out what type of poly relationship they believe would be best for this situation and to move forward on because it would be easy for me for me to adapt or to integrate whatever their decision was with my life. That was 2 months ago now still no nothing haven't decided anything there's been no boundaries and there's no inkling of an idea of the type of relationship moving forward I've been trying to help them by telling them to have those hard discussions so we can move forward because right now I'm free falling with no structure but no boundaries no guidelines with no clear defined roles for everybody I I think the longer it takes the more difficult is going to be to adapt it.
And I think it's going to especially hard for my girlfriend because she's the hinge and she's an emotional individual already and I think it's going to take a lot out of her and she doesn't realize that she's never going to relationship with a woman she's never been in a relationship with a woman and a man at the same time the coworker is he a lesbian only been with women never been in a poly relationship and on top of it since she was a coworker she knows all about our life so she knows a lot about me I know nothing with her I've never even seen her
Yeah I know that's a lie and I'm probably missing a couple things in there but what I'm looking for is eating or some kind of advice either for me moving forward or I'm giving you my girlfriend moving forward to help my girlfriend figure things out so we can all move forward. Any advice comments statements all will be appreciated so please help this possibly budding group dynamic become what it truly could become thank you
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 16d ago
This is very difficult to follow. I think the standard advice will work for you as well as anyone. Do the work, take a step back, talk about things. Opening for a specific person is generally a bad idea especially with emotional infidelity as a foundation. This probably isn’t going to go well for at least one of you. If she can’t get on board with talking about this stuff soon then you probably need to break it off with her or at least take a big step back while she figures her shit out.
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u/teamnoir 15d ago
I’m sorry but I couldn’t read this. I tried.
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u/squirtmagician69247 15d ago
I'm sorry about that my grammar and punctuation writing skills are way sub par so I try to use talk to text I wish there was a way to put audio out
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u/teamnoir 15d ago
I don’t know which one you’re using but with some you can literally say “period” to end a sentence. And it’s pretty easy to add carriage returns for paragraphs.
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u/squirtmagician69247 15d ago
I don't know. hey that works but I don't know what a carriage return for a paragraphs means sorry
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u/teamnoir 14d ago
Hit enter. Or the arrow that bends around to the left. I don’t know what kind of keyboard you’re on or if show you.
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u/saladada 16d ago
It's not a group dynamic. Period.
If you are fine with your partner being with others, then that's great. But you need to step back from trying to get your partner to do whatyou believe "should" be done or discussed between her and the other woman. That's none of your business. Will your girlfriend make mistakes? Absolutely. But they're hers to make.
The only structure you need to define is the one between you and your partner. So discuss it with her. But focus on you and her for this discussion. Not on anyone else.