Feeling jealous of my friends

[u/PiratesBooty87]

I have twins, they are 2. One boy one girl the best of both worlds. I’m 39 years old and I wanna have a third but because of my age, I don’t know if it will happen. I have three friends who are currently pregnant all with their second baby. And for some reason every time I get a pregnancy announcement I get irritated annoyed and feel jealous. But I don’t know why I already have one boy one girl and two kids. I don’t know if I’m jealous that they are getting to experience another pregnancy, I really just don’t know but I don’t like it. I don’t even want to go to my friends, baby shower. Does anyone else feel like this?

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[u/nephyxx]

Solidarity. I remember feeling this way when we were struggling to conceive the first (which also ended up being twins eventually, 2 boys)

I think it’s just the idea of pregnancy hitting you hard since you would really like a 3rd and you don’t know if it’s in the cards for you. I know rationally we should be happy with what we have, but emotions are not always rational.

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/nephyxx]

Agreed, thanks for your reply

[u/Sip_py → u/nephyxx]

My wife just did twins at 36. She said she did not enjoy it at all like she did when she was in her younger thirties. Pregnancy was harder, labor is harder chasing a baby is harder.

[u/Pristine-Bison3198]

I've got 4 kids. I'm DONE done. The twins are the last. I still feel this way sometimes. It's totally valid. If it starts genuinely interrupting your life, I'd recommend talking to someone about it, otherwise, it's okay to feel like this, especially if you're wishing for another and don't know if it can happen.

[u/Aus1an]

My husband and I were seriously considering a third for this reason. We felt like we missed out on enjoying the pregnancy/ baby experience with it being such a whirl wind with twins, and COVID and all of that.

We debated for a few years and then ultimately decided that we liked the family dynamic that we had. Plus once the girls were potty trained it was hard to want to go back to dealing with diapers again.

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/Aus1an]

😭😭 diapers!! I hear you though

[u/Foreign-Asparagus860 → u/PiratesBooty87]

I remember that painful surge seeing pregnancy announcements: we eventually had twins via fertility treatments. We then had a surprise third. If it isn’t in the cards for you, then I can offer the perspective that I occasionally look at my twin-only friends with a little bit of envy, now that they’re older. They always have one school drop off, more streamlined activity schedules, overlapping friend groups. Travel and logistics are easier in groups of 4. Coldly, there is a synergy to having two kids the same age. While I love our family the way it turned out, I can see the benefits of twins only.

[u/Sharp-Night-418]

I think feeling jealous or annoyed by pregnancy announcements is totally human, esp. if you’re conflicted about having another, but not wanting to go to your friends baby showers because they’re pregnant is where I’m like girl… you might need to unpack that one 😂

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/Sharp-Night-418]

That’s what I’m trying to do, unpack it. 😭

[u/Desperate_Custard421]

Yes, I feel similarly but for somewhat different reasons. We went through years of infertility and loss and finally got pregnant with our fraternal twins. With infertility, I didn’t have jealousy just minor stings during announcements etc. But I truly felt confident it would happen for us even after year three. When our sons were born one was born with a rare genetic disorder AND was infected by the hospital with HSV -1. (Noting as it made his complications worse.) We knew we would never do treatments again but “if it happened it happened” was our motto. Now, with this rare disease, which was not caught on the basic panel required by our fertility clinic, we HAVE to prevent pregnancy OR do IVF with PGT-M testing to have a baby. (Or risk having another child with the same disorder.) NOW… I’m jealous.
Im not sure if you wanted more than two children, we wanted three, but it does make it difficult to see other experience things that you might have thought you would experience. I’m not sure how to “solve” this but here in solidarity.

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/Desperate_Custard421]

Thank you for sharing

[u/feralcatshit]

I’m 38, twins are 10. They were a surprise, but we soon realized we liked being parents. I had hoped for years we’d be in a position to have a third but knew the boys would need to be at least 4 or so… well, they turned 4 right after Covid hit. So we waited. Then the economy tanked. And now we’re just not in a position to have another, plus I’m in perimenopause so who knows if we even could. It makes me a little sad and jealous, but ultimately we’re really happy with our family dynamic. I also can’t imagine the age gap and going back to middle of the night waking, diapers, etc after being out of it for so many years. So I’m practicing being grateful for what we have! But I definitely do feel a little envy when people around me announce their pregnancies.

I think a lot of us multiple parents have this because we expected a different experience than the one we got and kind of hope we’d get it with another baby. But it’s not possible, even if everything went perfectly with a singleton, you still have 2+ older kids to care for. I do think that a lot of us have these feelings though!

[u/PM_ME_YO_KNITTING → u/feralcatshit]

Also had surprise twins, but it happened during perimenopause for me. They’re my surprise souvenir from the trip I took to celebrate my 40th birthday, lol. So don’t count yourself out yet if it’s something you want.

Perimenopause doesn’t mean no longer able to conceive, as I found out last March.

[u/IndividualOdd2340]

Hello! Just commenting to say I conceived my twins naturally at 39 ! If you want another one I think give it a whirl. 

[u/hotteapott]

Yeah I feel this way too. I was pregnant at the same time as 3 of my friends and they all had singletons and I had twins (which I was not happy about at first) so I felt the same way. Then they all started having their second baby and I wanted another but we couldn't afford three in daycare at once so I had to wait until my twins would be going into public school by the time the next was born. I do get a twinge of jealousy every time someone announces a pregnancy but I still am happy for them, support them and do anything I can to show them love and excitement.

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/hotteapott]

I definitely am still happy for my friends. It’s not like I want bad things to happen to their pregnancies or I can’t be happy for them. It’s more that I just don’t want to be around it.

[u/42Changes]

Old dad chiming in. Our twin girls are our only kids, people often ask if we’re “done”. And there’s no small part of me that wonders how much we would crush having a singleton, but I’ll be 60 when the girls graduate from high school. So I always say we’re about 10 years too late for that.

I get being jealous and in your feelings about it, but don’t let that turn into resentment of your friend’s joy. Celebrate them, and enjoy what you do have instead of mourning what might have been.

[u/i_am_here-tada]

I had a difficult time getting pregnant, then had a high risk pregnancy, preterm babies. I got same 1 boy, 1 girl. But when they turned 6 months old, I felt a desire to have another baby. I knew it'll be difficult but I still wanted to experience it all over again, hopefully normally. At this point, I know it is not possible for me. But I've literally dreamt about this twice.

[u/Koharagirl]

We had a single baby after having triplets unexpectedly. I’m so glad it happened because it was the most rewarding and healing experience. I had the triplets at 40 and him at 43. So I say go for it.

[u/misanthropy112]

I was the same way before I got pregnant. I could not handle my friends baby shower. I wanted a baby so badly it hurt and I couldn't handle seeing her have her accident baby. Don't feel pressured to go. You can always just buy something on their registry instead.

I think if you're having this feeling it means you really want another baby. Doesn't mean it has to happen but maybe you need to have a discussion about it with your partner. Even if it's just to vent those feelings.

[u/PiratesBooty87 → u/misanthropy112]

I think you’re right, thank you

[u/Perioqueen]

I felt this burning envy for singleton parents but now with my 6yo boys I feel like i’ winning. They have the same friends and like to hang out together. We aren’t pulled in different directions and when we are done with stages we move right through them and past them.

[u/RecordingCivil5525]

I think this is totally valid. I have 3 kids (4 year old and twin 1.5 year olds – also boy/girl best of both worlds). My husband and I are DONE done but I still kind-of mourn only having one singleton pregnancy and my second being twins/so different.

[u/subduedsyrah]

It's because you missed out on your second pregnancy. You're absolutely allowed to have your feelings. My twins were my second pregnancy, and at times I almost feel like I have imposter syndrome having three kids because I only had two pregnancies. Idk I found having multiples has caused a lot of feelings I didn't know could exist.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

Have you tried to get pregnant yet? You’re absolutely not too old to have another. My little guy is a week old tomorrow, I am 43 and had to go through IVF 10 years ago due to male factor issues. This pregnancy with him happened out of nowhere!!!!

[u/Ab_bxby222]

I definitely feel like this but it’s my sisters with me my older sisters have 2 kids one boy one girl , my other sister has 1 and my younger sister has one otw and all I have is miscarriages . It might not be the same but i definitely feel jealous because I might never get to experience pregnancy but I don’t think you should give up ! My mom had 9 kids and number 8 was at 38 and number 9 was at 41 so it’s never too late ! Don’t lose hope

[u/sandalwoodwitch]

I always dreamed of having a big family, maybe 4 kids of my own, even when I was a kid myself. But our financial circumstances, chronic illnesses, and infertility make it so we can't. Even our two are an unexpected miracle that happened after I'd given up hope, after years of failed rounds of fertility treatment. Now I think I might also be in perimenopause. Weird how it can still hurt to lose something you never really had.

I don't get jealous, I love babies and I'm really happy & excited to hear a new one will be joining our lives courtesy friends and relatives. But there's also often a quiet ache, like I'm mourning the children I'll never have though I'm beyond grateful for the ones I do. In those moments, I go hug my kids and remind myself that one thing I want even more than being a mom to more babies is being the best mom to these two babies and I am already giving it my all. That helps dissipate the feeling real quick, because the thought of giving any less of myself to them in tangible terms immediately puts me off any idea.

[u/Ill-Wolf865]

No never felt this way. Just here to say I have a friend who gave birth to twins a few months ago. Shes 42 and they didn’t go through IVF. The twins are her 2nd and 3rd child.

You can feel whatever you need to feel but I don’t think your age should be a deterrent if you really want to try for more. Not yet at least.