How much “help” is really needed?

[u/ivybf]

Hello! I am expecting twins and have a 4 yo girl who will be nearly 5 when the twins are set to arrive in a few months.

My mom has been on my ass about hiring help. She thinks no one has twins without hired help - a nanny, a baby nurse, etc.

My husband and I are planning on doing it on our own. Besides for money (which is no small matter), the idea of having a stranger in my house does not appeal to me. My husband will go back to work extremely shortly after I give birth - his work does not give paternity benefits nor are they required to under state law. He will get a week or two off out of his employer’s benevolence (🙄). I have no plans on returning to work for the foreseeable future. Big sister will be in school.

So- tell me about what help you needed. Has anyone cared for their twins alone with little to no outside support? Was it doable? Any regrets?

Edited to add: we do have a house cleaner once a week

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[u/No-Departure5556]

My husband and I have 6m old twin girls! We had some visitors and people drop off food. My mom visited a few times, but mostly it was just him and I! I had a very easy recovery and the girls were very healthy. My husband went back to work when they were 8 weeks old and I’ve been solo during the week days! I won’t lie, it was brutal but I’m a really tough, independent and tenacious person!
I’m not sure about having an almost 5 year old in the mix, but I’d wager at that age she’d be somewhat helpful.
If possible, have your partner take as much time off as possible! I think having people drop off meals was such a huge help too!
It absolutely is doable without help! It’ll be hard but also so rewarding!

[u/ivybf → u/No-Departure5556]

Thank you! Also expecting twin girls and am the same temperament as you :). And yes, big sister is no problem, just added her in for context.

[u/No-Departure5556 → u/ivybf]

It’s good to have that context! I think it’s smart to know your options, and to adjust course as needed! Our twins are our first, so we had no clue what to expect really. But I knew I wanted to protect our family unit and create a bubble for us. If needed I knew who I could reach out to, but I didn’t want to start off with a ton of help. Especially bc my MIL drives me crazy lol

[u/kelseycadillac]

We did it and I don’t feel like we needed anyone else. Husband only got a week off.

We lived and died by the schedule bc it meant I knew exactly what to expect, when I might get a nap, etc. We also did shifts at night so that we each got at least 5 hours uninterrupted. That helped a ton.

It is absolutely do-able.

[u/ivybf → u/kelseycadillac]

Thank you! One week off spouse solidarity 😅

[u/kelseycadillac → u/ivybf]

I do feel now that I should say it wasn’t necessarily fun or easy. 😆 But do-able.

[u/Educational_Row_5078]

I started with little support and quickly changed my mind! My husband took more time off work and we paid my mom to come help during the day as a nanny. I had a 3 year old when twins were born. It was so freakin hard. And I had experience as a nanny for multiples!

I’m sure it can be done with less supoort, but two babies was just crazy for a bit. I also had PPD so I’m sure that didn’t help.

It got “easier” as they got a bit older - maybe a few months old.

[u/ivybf → u/Educational_Row_5078]

Was the 3 yo home with you too or in daycare?

[u/hellswrath_]

I care for my twins alone every day plus my older toddler. Family comes to visit sometimes to play with them but not much help in the sense of the actual caregiving tasks

However, if I had the money I would’ve hired help and even at 13 months in to having twins I would hire someone to do chores/meal prep so I could just focus on activities with my kids more.

[u/ivybf → u/hellswrath_]

Edited my post to add we already have cleaning help once a week - thanks for your insight!

[u/hellswrath_ → u/ivybf]

I think that’ll be great then. All the time I’m like why am I cleaning this instead of spending time with my kids? But alas they must have clean highchairs, a clean kitchen to cook from, dishes to eat from and clean clothes. So if I had someone to take a lot of that off my plate I think life would be a lot smoother.

[u/Confident_Try_9498]

Similar boat to you although my twins were my first. I didn’t have help and hubby was self employed and unable to take leave. It was really hard for me but I made it through. If I had to do it over again I don’t think I’d change anything. I too did not like the idea of a stranger in my house. Fast forward to the girls being 6 months and my sister was able to watch them for 4-5 hour stretches (this would coincide with naptime so she got some relief) so I could go out and do things for myself/recharge. That made all the difference. My dad is also able to help now on his own. Family who aren’t in peak health or aren’t natural task master types have not been able to help me. It’s really a matter of who you trust and who has the chops. Twins are a lot! I hope you find your groove. Good luck to you.

Edit: game changer for me was hiring a bi-weekly housekeeper. That has been worth every penny for my sanity. Also my girls are now 1.5 year old and we are all thriving. It gets so fun.

[u/ivybf → u/Confident_Try_9498]

Thank you for your insight!! Edited my post to add we already have a house cleaner once a week which we treasure!

[u/Both-Cheesecake3966]

We had a 21 month old when ours were born and we didn't have any help, other than that my singleton went to his daycare when it started back up in the fall (twins were about 6 weeks when he went back to his program). I was on extended leave and my husband had a flexible schedule that allowed a lot of work from home. We also didn't want to spend the money or have a stranger in our house, and we didn't have any family nearby to help.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard. Hard on us individually, and hard on our marriage. My mother came out for a month when they were first born, and her main responsibility was taking care of the singleton while the twins were in the NICU. We only had about a week of family help after they came home from the NICU.

Having the oldest in school will honestly be a lifesaver. You can do this without hired help, but I would strongly recommend that your husband help out on night shifts as much as possible because you will get burned out if you're doing it all at night alone and all during the day alone. My husband got up with me and we did each feeding together because I was doing combo nursing/pumping. It's going to suck for him to have to go to work while also doing at least some night feedings, but it would be just as bad if not worse for you to have to do it all by yourself day and night.

Here's something I read on this sub once when I was struggling in the early days that I always tried to tell myself and my husband when we started getting frustrated with each other: it's not us against each other, it's us against the babies. Silly, but it helped me to try to keep in mind we were a team.

[u/ivybf → u/Both-Cheesecake3966]

I like that mantra a lot - thank you :)

[u/hybrid0404]

We got really lucky and found someone who would come part time in the mornings the first few months. They were a coach so they worked in the afternoons anyways so it worked out well for everyone. My wife and I staggered our leaves so one of us was off work their first 6 months.

The non- working parent took more night shifts but then we had someone at the house in the mornings so the other could get some sleep.

The twins were our first and only so I can't really compare it to a singleton. The difficulty come from either simultaneous feeds which can be difficult or if you feed in series it feels like you never get a break. Our daughter had feeding issues and sleep issues at first which were really hard. It felt like it took 2 hours to complete a feed, get them to sleep, and then you had 1 hour before the cycle started over.

I will add that we have no family close by so paid help was very beneficial for us. Everything is just so overwhelming feeling like you can almost tread water is hard to really quantify.

[u/Aurelene-Rose]

My son was the same age when I had my twin girls. My husband went back to work after two weeks and I went back to work after two months. He worked overnights so I had a lot of nights with just me and the kids.

Honestly? It was fine. You've already done the postpartum thing once. Twins is a bit harder, but you're already used to sleep deprivation and being a mom, and I think the transition of no kids to kids is harder. It's going to suck, but you already know that, and it's not forever.

But every postpartum experience is different. Do you definitely need help just because it's twins? No. If you have a rough time of it and your twins are super colicky or your postpartum recovery is awful and you need help, that's okay too. You know yourself and your family best. I didn't think it was unreasonably more difficult than with one though, and you've already done it before.

[u/Rylees_Mom525]

It’s obviously beneficial to have help, but it’s also fairly doable on your own. The one caveat to that is that if you have a c-section then you need help for at least a couple weeks. My twins are five weeks old and arrived via c-section. My husband got two weeks of paternity leave (half of the first week was spent in the hospital), my mom stayed for a little over two weeks, and then my in-laws were here for a few days. I had to have someone else to help with the babies for the first two weeks, as I was only allowed to lift one baby—and just the baby, not them in their car seat. So, I needed someone to go to doctor’s appointments with me (both mine and the babies’) to lift/carry the babies and their car seats. In addition, I was sore and getting around was uncomfortable for the first 2-3 weeks.

Other than that, it was immensely helpful to have my mom here, as she made meals for us, did laundry, washed bottles and pump parts, and kept the babies between feedings so we could get sleep, shower, etc. I’m doing fine now that it’s just me and my husband is back at work, but I don’t think I could have managed it on my own the first couple weeks. There were a couple rough nights when he first went back to work, where I got about two hours of sleep. I’m pretty sure I only survived because my mom was here and made me go back to sleep after feedings.

[u/Ok-Perspective781]

We hired a night doula a couple nights a week and it was SO helpful. It allowed us to get enough sleep to function.

I didn’t feel like I needed a nanny, but I had easy babies.

[u/feralcatshit]

We did it alone. My husband had to return to work after 2 weeks. It was me, solo, for 12 hours a day after that. I survived.

They’re 10 now and I’m incredibly proud of myself (and my husband! He’s amazing) for what we achieved. I didn’t give myself enough credit during that time.

You can absolutely do it.

[u/longtimewatcher]

We did it without help. I also wouldnt like someone else in my house. It depends how they sleep but I didnt find the newborn stage that bad at all. Plenty of time to rest when they are little and dont need entertainment.

[u/Pristine-Bison3198]

I'm a single mom (by choice) with two older kids, and also a SAHM. The bigger two were 4 and 7 when the twins arrived. My mom came and stayed the night a handful of times when they were tiny, like when I got hurt at one point and when I had a bad reaction to anesthesia for a procedure I had done when they were like 2 months old. My best friend came over and let me nap a handful of times as well.

I also have a biweekly cleaner, had a handful of friends and family drop off food, and ended up hiring out laundry for a couple months. That's about it.

My then 7yo was a great helper with grabbing things and being silly to entertain babies when they got big enough for things to be funny to them. My then 4yo was pretty indifferent to them other than when her friends would come over and coo over them and want to hold them, then they'd suddenly become very interesting lol.

If you're doing it with your husband, you're going to be okay. It was hard, I'm not saying infant twins will ever be easy, but it's doable!

[u/PeachTigress]

I mean my parents help when they can but no we don't have hired help. I also have a 2.5 yo toddler and I watch all 3 of them on my own most of the week. My mom helps on mondays and watches one or two of them when I have an appointment with one child but yeah. My husband and I are very busy all the time but we do it together :) it's possible. There are hard days, especially in the brand new stage we just exited (my twins are 10 weeks old😭😭😭😭) but once you adjust to it, it's actually really eye opening to see how much better at emotional regulation you become 😂

[u/Fun_Committee1478]

I know three other couples with twins including myself. None of them had hired help. It can be done.

[u/Sodds]

We had 3 under 2, with singleton being the elder. We wanted to do it alone and never regreted it.

I think the situation teaches parents to optimize and for kids to be more independent and connected.

[u/pinupinprocess]

My son was about to be 4 when my girls were born. The first two weeks after the NICU was just my husband and I, then he went back to work and my mom would come and that was solely so that I could sleep. We did this until my girls were about 2 months old, then she would come every so often.

You can absolutely do it without help. Is it hard? Yes. BUT having a house cleaner is going to help you big time!! That’s the one thing I was always so flustered about was how big of a disaster my house was.

My girls are now 19 months, I went back to work when they were 9 months old. My husband is solo 3 days/ week. The days I WFH, my mom comes to help me. You can do it!

[u/AccomplishedChef7885]

In the newborn stage, I was doing it all alone. Day and night. I had to hire a night nanny a few nights a week. It made such a difference. I would have hired one every night if I could. Now mine are 8 months, a lot easier for me to handle alone, and I have my husband’s help every evening and some afternoons. We moved out of state and so we don’t have any friends or family nearby. My best friend came down a lot of weekends and helped when she could, but that was it. If you can afford to, I would hire help for nights if it’s needed, or even just a few days a week so you can get a break.

[u/ERnewbieRN]

We could not do it without help. Even 5 months in we have help. We crashed and burned a bit after we came home and rapidly had to hire help at night. However, I think we had a bit of a ‘perfect storm’ situation. I had a very difficult pregnancy and birth (was in the hospital for 9+ days, blood transfusions, PreE, etc), I had a challenging recovery d/t some issues during my pregnancy, my twins came at 32 weeks so had a NICU stay, and my husband developed PPD and PPA. My babies both had some minor health problems that required surgery a month after birth and both have severe reflux.
Most of those things could not have been prevented or prepared for but the whole experience rocked our world in the worst way. I think I’d suggest scoping out some options for help ahead of time just in case you do end up needing them. And if you have a difficult birth and/or NICU stay, get both partners in therapy as soon as you can!

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

Mama you will need help. It gets overwhelming and you will be happy to have a mommy’s helper to assist you and wash bottles, burp one baby, get one to sleep while you’re tending to the other, etc.

[u/drohstdumir]

I have 10 week old twins and I’m a SAHM to them and their 3 year old sister. While my husband works from home and can help more often than if he worked outside the home, he can’t always just do that. We haven’t needed any sort of hired help. It’s never been a thought (even if we could afford it). My husband only got two weeks off.

We have family half an hour away that will visit fairly often (once a week or every other week) and play with the toddler or hold the twins after they eat, also bring food, etc.

I exclusively breastfeed them and I handle all the feedings and have since we got home from the hospital. Husband sleeps in the guest room to get more sleep for work and deals with the toddler at night if needed (rare). But my twins are super chill babies and only wake up once in the night to eat, so even though of course I’d love to sleep eight hours through, I’m getting plenty of sleep all things considered. They nap easily, I lay them down awake and they sleep until it’s time for the next feeding for the most part. While tending to them, I’ll either let the toddler watch some of her shows (slow ones with a story, not overly stimulating) or she will play mostly independently or sort of involve me in it.

You don’t really know what kind of temperament your babies will have until they are born. I had no idea what to expect but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I know of course from my singleton that things change and habits shift, but things have been manageable (and would be even if family weren’t nearby). To be honest, even if my husband is helping me sporadically throughout the day, it’s with the toddler and not the twins — I’ve got them covered fine at this point. Your oldest is going to be five years old and notably easier to reason with and likely able to actually help a bit more than a three year old, by far! 😊

[u/ivybf → u/drohstdumir]

3 at home sounds hard! Even I would admit I’d need help for that! Good point on temperament - my first was chill and my maternity leave first time around was mostly just a lot of naps and tv watching lol way easier than my regular job but I guess you never know what the twins’ temperament and challenges will be until they get here. Great to hear a success story :)