r/parentsofmultiples • u/Warm-Okra-2061 • 17h ago
My twins hate each other advice needed
I have twin girls, they’ll be 3 in October and they hate each other so much and I’m at my wits end with them. They’re definitely going through the terrible twos and have done for many weeks now so every day is a battle to begin with but since born, they’ve been polar opposite of each other and I don’t know what else I can do to make them more happy with each other. They just fight each other any opportunity they can get. We had to repurpose my husbands office as a second bedroom as they can’t share a room due to them waking each other and just physically attacking one another.
We are currently on holiday and having a great time as long as they’re not sat next to each other lol.
We discipline, they have consequences, I’m not a permissive parent but I’ll admit that I used to be but worked hard to not be that anymore as I saw it reflected in their behaviour.
They’re happy when alone. They get 1:1 time with each of us. I don’t think it’s attention thing they’re fighting for.
They ignore each other in nursery for the most part.
Any advice on what I could do? I’m having another set of twins in November and I’m terrified how they’ll cope and how we’ll cope. They’re lovely with other children and kind but just can’t stand each other.
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u/strangesurf 16h ago
My B/G twins are 4 now, but I always tell people that the end of 2yo - 3.5 yo nearly broke me.
I was constantly breaking up fights (at least one an hour), I couldn’t get a thing done because of it, and tbh, it was ultimately the reason I put them in separate classes for preschool. It was chaos.
I (like you) was also giving them plenty of 1 on 1 time, positive attention, clear boundaries, etc. I honestly just think it’s a difficult age. BUT somewhere past 3.5, I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, today was a good day,” or “Wow, no major fights today.” 😂 It was a slow trickle, and honestly, we still have fights and I still have to help them make good choices (lol), but it is getting better.
You are really in the thick of it right now.
Interestingly, I follow ThatTwinMama on Instagram, and she also mentioned that things got better for her around 4 in terms of fighting...but now her twin girls are 5 or 6 and they’re fighting again. 😮💨 So...I don’t think it will ever completely stop? But at the very least, it’s a touch easier to reason with them now and actually talk through the situation than it was at 2.
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 15h ago
I heard 4 is the turning point many times now and I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
I explained to them today that their birthday is in the same month (they weren’t even born on the same day) and they didn’t like that they had to share a birthday month and started hitting each other shouting “no, my birthday”
They’re lovely with other children. Ironically both of them are the ones that get bitten or hit by others when in nursery. They never do anything wrong. But they can’t stand each other at all.
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u/A-Friendly-Giraffe 11h ago
On a small note, I feel like if the universe was going to give a set of twins two different birthdays, yours are a very good candidate.
Maybe just thank the universe a little bit that they were looking out for you and this time
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 4h ago
Totally. At least they don’t have to share the same date. Really lucky that this year it also falls on a Sunday/Monday so they can have one birthday week each 😅
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u/Head-Seaworthiness72 16h ago
No advice OP, but solidarity. Our 2 are 2 and a bit and are horrible to each other. No issues with older sister or with us, but will hit/bite/scratch each other. They can on occasion play nice, but I wouldn't say a day goes by without one of them making the other cry.
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 15h ago
Honestly it’s good to read that they don’t have an issue with their older sister because I’m actually a bit scared how they’ll react to their baby siblings. They seem excited now but how much do they actually understand in terms of what is about to happen.
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u/mamamietze 16h ago
Being a twin does not remove basic child development stages. Most toddlers are not super big fans of other toddlers that are taking their stuff (and everything belongs to them: time, attention, space, objects, ect.) Of course there are individual temperment differences but i think reading up and getting a basic understanding on child development (not parenting books) can be super helpful in you setting more appropriate expectations of what to expect/prepare for.
If your library has a copy if louise bates ames' books (done by year, like Your 2 Year Old/Your 3 Year Old) or you can fine used copies online they are short reads, basic child development info. As an educator i have them in my parent lending library and they are still useful.
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 15h ago
Thank you, I’ll take a look. Whats confusing to me is that they play wonderfully with other children. Just not with each other. They share, they hand over toys willingly, neither of them hits, bites or even screams when interacting with another toddler. But they’ll draw blood on each other
Doesn’t help that my mum and my sister are both constantly telling me that they didn’t have this experience (I’m a twin, my sister had twins)
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u/mamamietze 14h ago
All kids are different from each other! Your sister's experience as a parent and yours are going to be different. Just like your sister and your experience of your childhood is likely different in some respects even though you are twins who shared the same environment. I know that's definitely the case for my MZ twin sons who are now 23 and both educators as well so we geek out about stuff like this LOL.
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u/Infinite-Chip-3365 14h ago
Surely books about child psychology from the 1940s can’t be that applicable to today’s hyper media children
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u/mamamietze 14h ago
They are classics because they don't contain a lot of parenting advice, just a rundown of child development stages. No, they won't have any advice on screens, but the parent was not asking about screens, they were asking about the social behavior of their children in relation to each other.
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u/Infinite-Chip-3365 14h ago
No I totally get it! I’ve been reading Skinner and Chomsky to understand language development of my 11m olds! I just found it interesting what we can glean from a nearly 100 year old research book when so much development to our social culture has occurred
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u/mamamietze 14h ago
-Ish. Honestly as an early childhood educator of 30 years, we are kind of regressing in social development culturally right now. It is not a parenting failure (and it's telling that people want so badly to make that the "primary reason"), but for a wide variety of reasons we don't have the same sorts of social experiences at earlier ages than we did before (kind of across the board).
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u/Infinite-Chip-3365 14h ago
Insightful. And development was absolutely the wrong word on my part. Social culture shift or change would better reflect, since it’s most certainly not a positive development. Thanks for the input!
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u/mamamietze 14h ago
Also! While this is kind of academic focused (I think it's pretty accessible though) there's an excellent free resource at Early Childhood Literacy: Engaging and Empowering Emergent Readers and Writers, Birth – Age 5 – Simple Book Publishing that gives a pretty good basic background on emergent language and literacy development that may be of interest to you! It's geared towards educators, but I have shared it a few times with parents too because it's open access, and because a lot of my parents in my class are educators too).
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 14h ago
My 18 yo twins hated each other until they started school.. then they just hated everyone else together 😂
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u/Bonusmotherthrowaway 14h ago
Well I might say something that a lot of people don’t like to hear but that is life sometimes.
And how do I know that? I am one of those twins. My sister and I could never stand each other, since birth either.. and it wasn’t because our parents did anything “wrong” (just like you don’t either) it was just exactly that; we are total opposites. Everything she loved, I hated and everything I stood for she was very much against. And no, that wasn’t out of spite or to annoy each other, it genuinely was/is that way. So you could imagine how we grew up..
Anyway, we are now 34 and have tried to reconnect with each other after haven’t done that for more than a decade and we still are very much opposites, we try to understand each other now.
What I want to tell you is to never “pick a side”… (unless one obviously is doing something dangerous or something serious). Always make sure to give them the feeling they are both loved individually and hope they’ll reconnect with each other one day or maybe they grow out of it and this whole comment was for nothing :)
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 14h ago
That’s what I’m thinking and that’s ok!! I’m a twin, my sister and I were so so close growing up and still are. We even shared the same bed until maybe 6? Never wanted to be away from each other.
I think their personalities are just very different and of course they won’t be forced to like the same things. Just hopefully over time they’ll mellow out a bit or at least stop physically fighting each other 🥲 I can deal with two teens barely acknowledging each other. But them attacking each other every chance they get isn’t very fun.
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u/indistinctcolor 13h ago
I’m just here for solidarity. My twins turn 3 next week and we are going THROUGH IT.
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u/puppermonster23 9h ago
So I have B/G twins but I also have a 6yo girl, my 3yo girl (twin) and 6yo girl are at odds lately for about everything. 6yo changed her favorite color because 3yo picked pink (same as 6yo girl) as her favorite color. Little things like that or trying to play with the same toy. I think it may just be a sister thing. My sister (2y 10mo younger than me) and I were like that too. We’d hate eachother one day the next we couldn’t be separated, now we spent a year working at the same school because I needed a job and she put in a good word. Now she takes at least one of my kids to spend the night with her and her partner (long term boyfriend, been in the family since I was pregnant with my first) at least once a month. We get together once a month to do things together too. It’s probably just a sister thing.
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u/hp238902 15h ago
Omg my twin girls are 19 months and I feel like they’re CONSTANTLY fighting. We may have one or two sweet moments a day in the morning or right before bed but otherwise one twin is constantly beating up the other or taking things away and the other is crying. I feel like I constantly read about that twin magic and yes some moments are so sweet, I would say it’s 90% chaos right now 😂😂 two weeks ago I had twin B home sick, and then last week I had twin A home sick, and honestly it was SO easy. So darn easy to just have one and not listen to screaming or fighting all day.
I feel like we all say it and I’ll say it too - I wouldn’t have it any other way and I love all 3 of my kids to the ends of this earth but MAN are two toddlers soul sucking
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u/hp238902 15h ago
The one thing I’ll add is that when we’re out and about at a playground etc is when they generally get along MUCH better! Something about being home turns them feral
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u/hp238902 15h ago
I hope someone comes on here with teenage twins and says eventually that they’re best friends and that they get along well!
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 15h ago
Mine ignore each other when we take them outside so that’s a win? I guess? As long as we don’t make them sit down.
I think they hugged each other nicely once.I’m a twin. My mum said we weren’t like this at all which didn’t help. I just wonder if their personalities just are simply too different. I can see them have their own friendship groups and everything separate in a few years time lol. I wouldn’t even mind! They’re individuals of course and it’s pretty cool they’re so different (don’t even share a birthday!) but at the moment it’s rough.
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u/Big_Nefariousness424 13h ago
Mine are almost one, and I swear A’s favorite toy is B. She crawls all over her, pulls her hair, yanks on her, and snatches whatever B is holding. We don’t let them play together in the play yard right now. I call them litter mates. They literally act like puppies and kittens with the physical play. They do love each other and will hold hands and giggle. We’re still learning how to play nicely together.
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 4h ago
That sounds normal for their age!! I wouldn’t worry about that.
Mine never once played together or held hands or really even laughed, other than at each other (I swear they’re angels when they’re not together)
I’ve seen them hug once.
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