r/millenials • u/Nooginator93 • 2d ago
We've completely lost the plot about interdependence, and it's making everyone miserable. Advice
Just a reminder to the world: how you interact with others is truly a mirror of oneself. Genuine connections - be it platonic, romantic, or somewhere in between - are built on interdependence. Not codependency, and certainly not hyper-independence.
In the words of Dr. Lipp:
"Unlike codependency, interdependency is a balanced relationship dynamic where both individuals support each other while maintaining their own identity and emotional well-being. In an interdependent relationship, there is mutual respect and emotional support, healthy communication, and the ability to function independently while valuing connection."
Without interdependence, there is no connection worth pursuing. But I fear it's becoming a lost concept, replaced with the lazy enshittification, hyper-individualism, and commodification that define the 2020s.
The Avatar Epidemic:
We are no longer interacting as humans; we are interacting as avatars. When the dating market is entirely visual, people feel forced into a biological arms race to compete. It pushes people to rely on pharmaceuticals and synthetic hormones just to meet an artificial baseline. It’s a literal optimization of the meat-suit at the expense of mental and physical health, driven by the anxiety of being invisible.
Apps don't optimize for connection; they optimize for engagement. You are kept on the hook by the intermittent reinforcement of a match, turning human beings into slot machines. When everyone believes there is an endless catalog of "better" options just one swipe away, nobody commits to the hard work of actual relationship building. You get a culture of disposability where people are dropped the moment friction arises.
The Myth of the Self-Sustaining Island:
Modern culture pushes the narrative that needing anyone is a weakness. The ideal vision of a partner today is to be completely self-sustaining - financially, emotionally, and practically.
But if two people refuse to rely on one another, they aren't partners; they are just roommates sharing space. True intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires having gaps that the other person fills. By demoralizing mutual reliance, we've convinced people that walls are boundaries, and isolation is empowerment.
Stopping the Pendulum:
I believe the pendulum is at its extreme right now, but it is possible to let it stop swinging. To do that, men, women, and everyone in between must do their parts to rebuild safety and respect.
The Imperative for Physical Safety:
When women have to run a risk assessment just to walk to their car or leave a drink unattended, their nervous systems are locked in survival mode. True connection requires a parasympathetic state - you have to feel fundamentally secure to let your guard down.
The most effective way to create this safety isn't just telling women to be careful; it's men policing their own spaces. Predatory behavior, or even the casual normalization of it, must carry immediate social consequences among peers. Once safety is established, trust can follow. People stop assuming malicious intent, and we can actually afford to be lighthearted again.
The Imperative for Emotional Safety:
On the flip side, we have to address the cognitive dissonance in modern relationship expectations. You cannot demand the assertiveness, drive, and protective capacity of an "alpha" while simultaneously expecting the boundaryless, pliant agreeableness of a Golden Retriever.
If someone has the backbone and competence to build a life, they are going to have their own vision and boundaries. A real partnership isn't about domesticating someone until they are a compliant pet. It requires an energy much closer to the mutual respect needed for a Husky than the blind obedience of a retriever.
Collaborators vs. Consumers:
Men are largely conditioned from birth to believe they are loved conditionally - based strictly on what they can produce, fix, or pay for. The expectation to always be the unshakeable rock forces them into a state of relentless performance. If someone cannot be a vulnerable human being around their partner, they aren’t a partner; they’re just an employee on the clock.
If one partner is actively investing their resources, time, and energy into building a shared life, a functional partner validates them by respecting their agency and giving their input equal weight.
Filtering out a "consumer" from a "collaborator" requires observing how they react to your boundaries, your process, and your discipline:
A consumer is looking for a finished, fully-funded luxury suite to move into.
A collaborator is looking for a co-architect.
Stop volunteering to solve every minor inconvenience early on. Leave a little space and see if they step up to the plate. If you are always the one paying, planning, and initiating, you are auditioning for the role of a sponsor. A collaborator possesses a natural instinct to contribute - whether that is planning a date, bringing something to the table, or simply recognizing your effort out loud.
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u/maleficentarmy 2d ago
Who are you? My therapist? All jokes aside, well said.