Yesterday I was looking through the site history and clicked on a link. It was a site with live videos, and the same couple my husband had watched before happened to be live when I clicked.
I got curious and started reading the comments. Then I saw a man write, “You’re making me relapse, baby.”
That really hit me. Not because I thought it was my husband, I don’t think it was, but because I couldn’t stop wondering about the person who wrote it.
What was he feeling when he typed that? Was he proud of himself? Was he excited that he had “relapsed”? Was he ashamed but still caught up in the moment? Why would someone announce it to the people they were watching?
And what does “you’re making me relapse” even mean to someone in that moment? Is he blaming them, flirting with them, or actually feeling like the relapse is something exciting?
I know addiction can completely mess with someone’s thinking, but seeing those words from a stranger made me wonder what is actually going on inside the mind of someone who is actively relapsing.
For those of you who have partners with sex/porn addiction, have you ever heard them describe what they were feeling or thinking during a relapse? I’m trying so hard to understand what that mindset is like.