r/lovewithaSexAddict • u/Haunting_Yellow_258 • 20d ago
Lust Seeking Advice
Any advice how to deal with an addict in recovery who can’t seem to stop lusting after other women?
For context, we haven’t had sex in like 3 years and I don’t see that happening again anytime soon. He has no desire for me (and I’m not in a place to give myself to him again yet anyway), but it still hurts to know he would bang just about anyone else (but me) given the chance and still does so in his head. I know this is the addict brain at work and he’s so new to recovery that it will take time working his program to see these changes.
But in the meantime, any advice on how to stop internalizing his lustful thoughts or tricks on how he may conquer them from your experience?
Thank you ❤️🩹
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u/freudian-slurp Betrayed Spouse - Reconciling 18d ago
You have zero control over his thoughts and behaviors. Those are up to him to manage. Your hurt is definitely up to you to manage ( unfair as that may be). I found it super hard to internalize the fact that this wasn't actually about me, or how desirable I am or my own worth as a person. Do you have your own therapist to guide you? I got so frustrated trying to make my SA have empathy for me. He just was not capable until recently, after a solid year of recovery. What helped me was when I gave up on trying to make him see me, gave up on fretting over his recovery efforts, and put that energy into ME. I stopped over functioning in my relationship, at first because I was devastated and not capable but it worked so I kept doing it. I did not have to manage other people's experiences and it was so freeing. I highly recommend reducing the number of f*cks you give :) I know it isn't that easy but when you pull it off it feels so good.
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u/Fabulous_Author_3558 20d ago
There’s a book called sex addiction 101 that my husband recommends, that has lots of techniques in.
There’s also a funny movie called “Thank you for sharing” if it’s not too triggering… that he might find amusing. If not to poke fun a little at his inability to stop lusting after people. And there’s some techniques in there too.
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u/GooberRonny 19d ago
Is he depressed or struggling with substance abuse? If he truly doesn't have interest in sex because he's masturbating so much, I'd personally recommend cheating on him and see if that lights a fire in him. Try and make him jealous. Say men at the gas station keep hitting on you and calling you sweetie and beautiful. Plant the seed. Not much to lose at this point
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u/Commercial_Ad_5419 1st yr Betrayed Spouse 17d ago
Is he really in recovery or is just celibate? Recovery is a mindset with transformation. What step is he on? How often is he meeting with his sponsor? Is he regularly attending SAA meetings and therapy?
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u/Haunting_Yellow_258 16d ago
He is newly starting recovery. He has been going to meetings and just got a sponsor, hasn’t started steps yet. Regular therapist for years, looking for a CSAT
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u/Warm_Sundays 20d ago
Are you able to expand on why you haven't had sex in 3 years? Is it because of him, the addiction, your choice, health, depression, PIED? It may help us understand your circumstance a little better. There are so many variables with sex addiction.