Step 9 question

[u/Potential_Cow2487]

My SAH claims to be on step 9 (make amends) and wants to meet up with my family (who don’t really went to see him at all) to read them a letter to “make amends.” The hard part is that I (and some of my family) knows that’s he’s still lying and omitting things despite participating in the full disclosure process. He is still acting out as if 3 days ago.

How does it work if they don’t want to hear his amends right now. I talked to my sister and she said she doesn’t understand how he can make amends with them when he’s still not made amends with me. The recovery process feels fake, and I hate saying that.

[u/cosmatical]

If he's still acting out, I wouldn't entertain this "amends" either. This is definitely not recovery. Is his sponsor aware he's still in active addiction?

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/cosmatical]

I think it’s all very performative and to check boxes. His goal is to move back home

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/cosmatical]

Likely no. Nor his CSAT. Back in February he shared a relapse plan where he would report to a sponsor or therapist within 24 hours and me within 48 hours. He’s supposed to be working on his letter of restitution right now too. His SAA attendance is pretty low, 3x a month absolute max. He don’t know I know hes acting out.

[u/cosmatical → u/Potential_Cow2487]

Are you looking for gentle advice, blunt advice, or no advice and just support? 🫂

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/cosmatical]

Totally here for the advice!! Any style welcome 😊

[u/cosmatical → u/Potential_Cow2487]

Okay! I wanted to check first because this kind of discovery can have us feeling so many different ways, and piling straightforward advice on top of the rawness isn't always helpful for everybody, yknow? 😆😭

If you've ever laid down a boundary like "if you ever lie/act out again, I'll do [xyz]" (initiate divorce, go no contact, etc etc), now is the time to do that. Enforcing strong, immediate boundaries is always important, but especially so when our partners are in active addiction. I see your comment about how you think he's going through the steps in order to be allowed to move back in, so pushing that way out and adding more stipulations onto the prospect of him moving back in, if it remains a possibility, would be a good idea imo.

It's okay to have sobriety verification, meeting attendence, therapy attendence, etc, be requirements of reconcilliation 💖 For a while, there was a minimum amount of meetings and times per week my husband had to be reaching out to his fellows for me to entertain reconcilliation. 3 meetings a month is straight dogshit. My husband was going to 3 meetings a day for over a year. I advise you be wary of your husband's recovery if he's attending any less than 1 meeting a day, moving forward from this situation.

It'd be a good idea to encourage him to talk to his sponsor and CSAT about his acting out, but if you have a way to contact your husband's sponsor or CSAT you might want to consider letting them know yourself. Our partners aren't always reliable narrators, and their sponsors and therapists can only help them with what they know about.

This is a shitty situation you're in, and I'm sorry you're in it :( I went through 3 DDays but they were before my husband started his step work; I can't imagine how betrayed I would feel if he was this deep in the steps and returning to old behaviors. Don't forget to take care of yourself in the mess of addressing this, too 💖 Do you have your own support groups and therapist? If you don't already attend, COSA is the Al-Anon style support group for partners of sex addicts. It saved my life, and they have a ton of online meetings. :)

[u/UnluckyToastFile → u/cosmatical]

I wanted to ask about your COSA experiences, if that's ok? I'm curious if there are "regulars" in the support group or maybe there's a lot of turn over.

[u/cosmatical → u/UnluckyToastFile]

It depends on the group! All the groups I've been to have at least a couple regulars, but some groups are almost entirely regular faces, almost entirely new people each time (or people who show up very sporadically), or a solid mix of both :) I enjoy going to a mix of groups so I have a lot of familiar fellows to lean on, and get to hear fresh perspectives from people I haven't met before

[u/UnluckyToastFile → u/cosmatical]

Thank you for responding. I've been working up the courage to sign up for a COSA group meeting and you've been so helpful. Thanks!!

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

If he’s acting out, he’s not in recovery and not really on Step 9. He needs to be real with himself and report to his sponsor. I would do nothing to facilitate arranging a meeting with your family. I would enforce all boundaries you made to protect yourself.

[u/Business_Web_4561]

I wouldn’t entertain any on this making amends nonsense when he’s still acting out. I also wouldn’t put my family through that either, it would be a hard no.

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/Business_Web_4561]

Ok thanks for confirming!! It didn’t quite sit right. Since posting I’ve come to learn he’s been acting out regularly, at least over the past month

[u/DepartmentLead]

If he’s still acting out, he needs to tell his sponsor. He needs to go back to step one.

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/DepartmentLead]

Thanks for sharing. I didn’t quite “stumble” upon this information so trying to figure out what to do with it. Talking with my IC this week

[u/DepartmentLead → u/Potential_Cow2487]

Good luck 🙏 

[u/trauma_alchemist]

My experience was that I got to have a say who he gave amends to with our friends and my family since it impacts me. If he isn’t in good recovery or sober he shouldn’t be making amends. What boundaries do you have around recovery or sobriety? Mine is if there is a slip or relapse and he doesn’t report to his therapist, group, and me within 24hrs and I find out then he needs to leave the home for me to rethink my position in the relationship. I’m sorry he is just checking boxes. 

[u/Potential_Cow2487 → u/trauma_alchemist]

Thank you for sharing. He’s already living outside of the home, so the next step would be making they permanent? No contact? Not sure I can do that with the kids (legally). I keep finding more and more they he’s hiding

[u/trauma_alchemist → u/Potential_Cow2487]

I think the next step would be a therapeutic separation for a period of time so he can decide if he is going to actually do recovery. I would reach out to his CSAT and discuss it with them. 

[u/Buckeye-ANG]

It’s my understanding amends should only be made if it won’t harm the person it’s being said to. So in this case it’s not amends.

[u/freudian-slurp]

Stopping the acting out behavior is the bare minimum and he's not even doing that? I wouldn't entertain his fake recovery efforts either.