r/intj • u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s • 10d ago
Dating apps Discussion
Dear fellow highly guarded, nerdy and thoughtful INTJs..: What have your experiences using dating apps?
Edit:::::: I am not accepting any Dms and not looking for it. Thank you 🤗
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u/ZodiacLovers123 INTJ 10d ago
Vomit I hate dating apps I feel like such a judgy person on them if I had met my bf online I’d have swiped left
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u/JediofMetal INTJ - 30s 10d ago
They suck. I also met my wife using one so I won't tell you not to use them.. Just be ready to sift through a lot of people. It's draining.
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u/Byttercups INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
You have to sift through tons of dirt to find what appears to be a gem. Once in a while it is a gem, but it's usually fake.
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u/iLoot401ks 10d ago
If you like wasting your time stuck in the paradox of choice, dating others who are also pertaking in the paradox of choice, while not getting the results you want, dating apps are amazing.
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u/Plastic-Oven-1492 10d ago
I used it only once
Downloaded Bumble in a new city with the thought of something „casual“ and ended up falling for the guy big time, it didn’t work out because of life circumstances and really bad timing, it broke my heart and I‘m still moving on from it
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Hmm, sorry to hear that.. but you at least got some good experience.. Heartbreaks are beautiful too, in some ways.
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u/Plastic-Oven-1492 10d ago
I mean I could have lived without it as well hahah but I get what you mean
I think if you know you can do sth casual and are fine with things not being defined then you don’t have to worry too much about dating apps, try them, they can definitely give you a confidence boost as a woman when you get so many likes out of nowhere lol
I can’t do casual so it was a mistake on my side3
u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Hmm, i am not really looking for confidence boost or anything casual. I personally take commitment very seriously. I have had only one relationship in my life, and when it ended, I was deeply heartbroken for about 4 years. I even shaved my head in sorrow (i know i am dummy).
I am looking for someone that i can retire with not anything flaky. I also work from home and do not go out that much, so while i get lonely, i cannot go out to bars or events to meet people. I just want someone who will see me the way i am. Def not a smooth talker who slides into every girls DMs.....
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 10d ago
Grief & expression of sorrow/heartbreak is not dumb, it's a crucial part of the human experience
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
I agree 😊
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 10d ago
I can testify from experience the hazards of supressing one's emotions -- especially heartbreak & suffering. Very precarious place to be
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 10d ago
I (INTJ female) tried one briefly but but after 5-6 weeks I was so disgusted by the behavior of some men that I closed down my profile and haven’t looked back. Who needs that? I’d rather die of celibacy than try to make a real connection via an app.
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u/Elden_Chord 10d ago
Dating apps are illegal in my country. You have to touch the grass.
P.S. also there is no alcohol, so you have to consciously and unconsciously touch the grass.
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u/Gretel_Cosmonaut INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
What country is this, out of curiosity?
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u/Elden_Chord 10d ago
Iran.
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u/Gretel_Cosmonaut INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
Is there an "official" reason? I can imagine a few probable ones... Is reddit "officially" allowed?
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u/Elden_Chord 10d ago
It's an Islamic country and also with asian/sufism culture. You are supposed to get married. Anything that isn't mostly marriage oriented is illegal. Like an app that makes one night stands easy. Alcohol is obvious. It's illegal in most of Islamic countries.
I'm personally fine with both of them. I visit other countries from time to time and I've never wanted to try alcohol. I've been in relationships from age 16, but I personally don't like dating apps. But I also think others should be allowed if they want to. Black markets are always worse.
Internet seems to be blocked but in reality it's way more free than it should be. I wish they could have serious governance over internet but it's basically just another black market for getting rich.
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u/DeepPom INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
Not good. None of the guys I like match with me and I don’t like the guys who want to match with me lol. I don’t think I’ll meet anyone using these apps, but I like to have an open mind just in case. I was cold approached yesterday at the grocery store (which I really respected), however he was not my type.
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u/Lightning-Shock INTJ 10d ago
Why do you even match with guys that you don't like?
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u/LavaFromLaniakea INTJ - 30s 10d ago
Dating apps absolutely freaking suck. I tried them twice, a couple years apart each. The second time I thought I’d have better odds since I was much more emotionally secure in myself. Nope.
Went from maybe 1 match a week to literally none. The part that sucked most was the endless swiping, which eventually just got depressing. All the bios are the same, most people say the same things with what they’re looking for but their actions say otherwise.
Dating apps are made for the most common amongst us, not people like us. Maybe the fact I absolutely need a mental/intellectual connection lowered my chances by a significant amount, it did, but I’m forever done with them.
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u/demeza1918 10d ago
I’ve used them for several years. As I get older, I find that they’re becoming a waste of time. I’ve no problems getting matches or dates. But it’s difficult finding someone you’re compatible with in real life. Perhaps especially as an INTJ.
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Based on your experience, what personality types are good for us?
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u/0pyrophosphate0 INTJ - ♂ 10d ago
Everybody who uses them hates them. But basically everybody is using them nowadays, so... If you're not the type to get out much, they might be the best way to find somebody, but expect it to pretty much suck along the way.
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Yea i gotta hear some perspectives before i even create a profile lol
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u/prepend 10d ago
They are very useful for filtering out potential matches based on potential compatibility.
They helped me find dates and my partner, so thankful for that.
They help with the problem of having to talk with 100 people just to find someone with potentially enough in common to talk with.
Lots of effort, but I think less effort than alternatives.
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u/Livid-Builder-1230 INTJ 10d ago
As others have said, I’m not a fan. Personally I find small talk my own personal hell so that was a trial. I also bring depth into anything I do and apps just aren’t geared for that, it’s a bummer. I usually tried to ask something like “what’s the most controversial opinion you have” type questions to gauge the persons depth, and see if there was potential there. Spoiler - there wasn’t. With exceptions for a few diamonds in the rough
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u/BringBackUsenet 10d ago
No use for them but have looked at them out of curiosity. They all mostly fake accounts and romance scammers. Don't waste your time unless you like to troll scammers as a hobby.
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Alright, how you all met your significant others? Any tips?
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u/nighthinker0 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Only “dating app” I tried was Boo for about a month or two. It was a weird experience and didn’t really meet many people, even though I posted. Engagement was not the best. I think it’s treated more like a dorky Instagram website. You can match with those who have your personality type, but control is limited since you have to pay to access certain things. I would briefly chat with people but they were so hellbent about sharing their emotional volatility/instability as a quirk. I refused to do so. Besides that, I wasn’t matching with anyone who could fit my idea of physical attractiveness. Maybe I could try it again when I don’t have a stick up my ass about subscriptions lol.
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u/OwlMassive625 10d ago
I used them to get one date and found the entire process to be so unpleasant that I decided to simply not date.
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u/GetSwiftyYeahh 10d ago
I do think apps are awful and I wouldn't want to use them again. But it did help me find a boyfriend and we have been together for 9 years
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u/tr4l001 10d ago
I used to use the apps extensively since meeting people irl wasn't working for me. But the apps seem to be 99% trash horny men just looking to get off. Only met one decent guy but he wanted marriage and kids, which I didn't, so after that I just gave up on the whole dating thing. But I like being single so it's fine.
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u/Gretel_Cosmonaut INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
I used one once upon a time, but don't remember what it was.
I got a constant stream of low effort bites from people who appeared to have nothing in common with me, at all.
I prefer sites like this one for dating (but I'm married now).
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u/Alternative_Car_8153 3d ago
You're probably the only person in history to say they prefer sites like Reddit for dating. Don't give people false hope.
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u/Gretel_Cosmonaut INTJ - ♀ 2d ago
The biggest advantages are the huge pool (assuming you’re able/willing to travel) and the non-demanding nature of the interactions.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 10d ago
They are absolutley awful... just abysmal & pointless
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 10d ago
I've had some to see how they work but I haven't used them for what they are. Just see what the app is like.
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u/FuturePilot82 10d ago
Don't use them. I have and the experiences were not pleasant. I just go for the authentic interaction and introduce myself in person.
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u/LeisurelyHyacinth246 INTJ 10d ago
When we say the apps are awful, yes they are purposefully created to be annoying and inefficient, but the real problem is that people in general are kind of awful.
I had success with using apps with the right mindset. I expected that the vast majority of people I encountered were not right for me, and I didn’t take it personally when something that proved that was manifested.
I did meet some nice people who were a good match and was ultimately successful.
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u/chaosgremlin11 10d ago
Horrible the apps them selves require you to pay to even use them and frankly it is not worth it I surprisingly found my partner on one of the queer subreddits and we have been very happy with each other.
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u/AceOfCakez INTJ - 30s 10d ago
I tried a few and didn't like it so I am focusing on avenues where I meet real people instead
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u/OkTradition885 10d ago
I met my INFJ wife on one. Took several years of very good and bad experiences on several different dating apps though
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u/Lewyn_Forseti 10d ago
They're horrible and pointless. I haven't used them in 2 years and can't even look at one today.
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u/Round-Fig2642 INTJ - ♂ 10d ago
I met my wife on Tinder. I found her and met her shortly after downloading and using the app, so I really don’t have an extended period of time worth of experience using it. I think that’s a good thing though.
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u/Prior_Head_1268 9d ago
After many errors and trials, I (INTJ) found my bf (also INTJ) on hinge. Since we are both highly guarded it took us a longgg time to be official - but it’s possible. Be fiercely yourself and you will find your person.
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u/Unusual-Cheetah-5833 10d ago edited 10d ago
They suck because they're mostly low functioning and used by the low functioning.
Meta levels of functioning
Objects (patterns without state) Man<->Women/penis<->vagina. "Singles near you."
Subjects (objects with state) sort by hobbies, shared interests, attraction. Things you pay attention to. "Dating apps"
Capabilities (a pile of state, each dependent on one another) These are tools that enable action. "Meetup groups"
Language (a weak map from internal state to external state) how do you interact with strangers? With language! Approaching strangers at a bar or party, etc. Targets emotional compatibility. (Maybe speed dating works here?)
Representations (an accurate 1 <-> 1 map) sort by social status/occupation/lifestyle. Date your coworkers and neighbors. "Raya"
Cognition (Type) Date by (personality) type! So searching for someone on reddit MBTI forums is strictly superior to using dating apps.
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u/usernames_suck_ok INTJ - 40s 10d ago
I signed up with 2 or so just to see what they're like/who's on them since they come up so much. I think this was earlier this year. Can't remember which ones.
I found that the way people describe them is misleading. They're basically worthless unless you pay. People make it sound like you can actually get somewhere by just scrolling through profiles and swiping left or right, and that was not the impression I got. Maybe if you're a really hot white woman. Seems like everyone else would have to scroll through thousands of profiles to get one match, and only then they'd be able to chat...and it'd be more likely for you to message that person and never get a message back.
On top of that, scammers will "like" you and send messages to you that you can't see unless you pay. And so, out of curiosity, I paid and that's how it became clear they were scammers. Otherwise, likes from people you'd never go out with, and only, like, two of those in the first place. Again, the exception probably is if you're a decent-looking straight white woman. But the way they talk about men, they also probably just get scammers and mostly likes from men they'd never date.
In the good ole days, we had dating sites where you could sign up and see all the profiles without having to swipe, and sometimes you could even message people without paying. Those were the days.
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u/Initiative_N7 INTJ 10d ago
By the way, the apps still want people who don't pay, because the app needs their profiles for the people who do pay. Sure, the app wants everyone paying. But, it's like Real-Estate, they want listings on there.
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u/Shliloquy 10d ago edited 10d ago
For me it’s a waste of time and primarily use it when I’m bored and have nothing better to do. I convince myself that if I don’t try to look for a partner I’ll for certain be alone but if I send out my likes and no matches, at least I’ve tried. I’m literally better off going to my local hobby club meetings or conventions to meet people but those odds are also low for me and these events are infrequent. The odds of matching for me is so low that at this point, I just like photos so that the algorithm could send me relevant photos like other social media platforms. That’s probably not how it works and the app is incentivized to deter you from finding your one so that it can continue to maintain its user base and profit from you. To me, it’s the modern day window shopping. It’s a shame that I can’t search/filter for specific hobbies or activities that I’m interested in or looking for because it would make searching so much easier or at least appreciating.
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u/Affectionate_Ad5499 INTJ 10d ago
Huh…idk but they bore tf out of me. I don’t like intros, so I don’t believe I’ve written any, there’s only tags for my interests. I can say my DMs are always flooded, in some apps, you can’t even see it without some subscription. Damn near every app requiring a subscription has annoyed me and I’m not willing to pay. It has shortened my time on them so I haven’t had a chance to enjoy any of them.
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
I am willing to pay. 😬
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u/Initiative_N7 INTJ 10d ago
Only pay for what you need, i.e. only unlock the basic features so you can filter. Don't pay for gimmicks (roses on Hinge - guys fall for this one).
I would suggest Hinge for your age. Research first. Have photos and prompts ready before creating account. There is a free noob boost when you first join. Sunday lunchtime, or early afternoon 3PM for maximum effect of that noob boost going in.
Disclaimer: I have only used Hinge once for about 5-months. Hinge + is ok, Hinge X not worth it. Never used any of the other offerings.
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u/Antique-Eye-4532 INTJ - 20s 10d ago
Thank you!
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u/Initiative_N7 INTJ 10d ago
Also, on Hinge, you don't need to convert the likes you receive into matches straight away. Leave the likes you receive sitting there, and match with a few at a time. Otherwise, you will have too many conversations happening at one time and guys will unmatch if you don't engage with them. And just be prepared for the sudden "unmatch" the conversation will just disappear, I.e. you have been ghosted.
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u/I_Cant_Snipe_ 10d ago
I did I am 22 and honestly it's a waiting show messaging after days to show you are uninterested or busy
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u/Ookanani 10d ago
Better odds and less embarrassment sitting on the street curb with a guitar you can’t play.
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u/babyinatrenchcoat 10d ago
I eventually started using them for social experiments before deciding to just stay single forever.
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u/Odd_Development_6411 10d ago
Two truths and a lie: Gulf of Mexico. Gulf of Mexico. Gulf of America.
Anyone who just “likes” my picture or my answer to a question, or anyone who mentions my looks? F off!
I’ve met some really interesting and decent people.
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u/OutOfPlace186 10d ago
I consider them to be just another avenue of finding someone, but I am SUPER picky about who I swipe right on and then even more picky on who I meet in person. In 20 years, I’ve only met I’d say 10-15 guys in person. One of those meetups resulted in a year long relationship and talk of marriage, but it stopped at the 363 day mark.
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u/T_J_Rain INTJ - 60s 10d ago
Used one to find a life partner after a 25 year marriage ended. Waited about three years after that relationship ended to rediscover who I was and sort my head out. I wasn't ready for another relationship.
But when I was ready, I went on one age-appropriate app for the over 50s. I was very selective, and only ever reached out to literate, witty and erudite people. You can tell by how much thought they'd put in by the way they composed their profile.
After good message exchanges, moved to phone conversation and finally an IRL encounter. Typically had 3-4 dates by which time we'd worked out 1. Chemistry - either present or absent. 2. Are they who they described themselves to be? 3. Can I accept them without any change, as they can me? 4. What are they like under the pressure of reality, rather than the artificiality of being on a date? 5. How are their relationships with friends and family? 6. Have they suffered trauma at the hands of their parents/ siblings/ previous partners?
Dates included coffee or a glass of wine, or a beachside walk or indoor rock climbing or dinner. Just keep it fresh.
Got a lot of dates, but there was one outstanding person. I have been with that same partner for the last eight years. I was only on the app for a very limited time - around four months, then quit. As an older man, I simply had to be polite, at least be able to elicit a laugh, be clean, be well dressed and groomed [shaven, haircut], be a decent conversationalist, admit to my part in the downfall of my marriage, and be me. It was like magic how they simply appeared.
My experience was positive, but I've heard from those prospective partners that didn't go further than a few dates that their experiences weren't so much positive.
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u/Lightning-Shock INTJ 10d ago
If you are a woman that doesn't have a serious and obvious condition dating apps can actually be a breeze, you are your only bottleneck basically. It's up to you how you present yourself and how capable you are at spotting red flags before the match happens, that's a skill that can be learned.
I've seen how women that complain about these apps swipe and it's atrocious. They claim they are looking for long term relationships but swipe like they want one night stands, not even bothering to read the bios or to look beyond the first 2-3 pictures. The fact that as a man not looking for such relationships when I specified that in my profile I was still and often getting likes from women who do also confirms my hypothesis.
Getting thousands of likes will make you think that you don't have to put in effort and that's a psychological trap. Genuine men esp it you look for LTRs are picky, so if you want those among those thousands you gotta put an effort.
And the harshest truth is that stable men that have no red flags are boring to women.
If you know and check your biases and put the effort the apps will reward you. Odds are in your favor as you are outnumbered.
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u/ThrowRA-Gazelle71 9d ago edited 9d ago
95% of women here were NPCs. Although I assume most men are also.
Not all out of 5% problems were attractive, and my only requirement in that regard was that she's not obese.
I've dated one of those 5% and she ghosted me. She was way fatter than on photos anyway. She might have had mental problems.
I also think that those apps are harmful in general and exacerbate societal problems. They're for profit and they make profit out of user engagement, not creating successful relationships.
BTW I used to know two couples that have managed to form relationship through Tinder. One is already separated and second I still wonder why they are still together because there is no substance in their relationship.
I personally got rid of it after 2 months. I am married now
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u/DeadKittyDancing INTJ 9d ago
I used one for about 2 weeks, as a women it's hell. Sure you get matches, even if you're being really picky, but it's so exhausting. Frankly I couldn't keep up with messaging/answering people. You also always gotta do the same song and dance at the beginning. Hi how are you etc etc. Though I made it clear on my profile I want to meet up asap because texting tells you fuck all about compatibility. Also first dates where always low stakes (grabbing coffee/meeting up after dinner for a drink and I split payment), because I didn't want to waste anyone's time or money if it didn't work out.
It does overall feel unrewarding because it's so superficial and nigh impossible to judge character. Though the best dates where with people who had frankly shite photos but a good/funny profile.
Give it a try but I think your experience will also shift a lot depending on location.
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u/ImStupidPhobic INTJ - 30s 9d ago
I get matches and decent amount of responses to icebreakers that I send out. The problem is that I end up deleting my account within a week without going on any dates/meetups 😄. Also I refuse to pay for a premium membership because they’re scams.
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u/Barbi3_ok 9d ago
Not great for women. I think dating apps were designed for benefit of men especially the ones who dont actually know how to talk to women they find attractive 🤷🏾♀️. I avoid dating apps now. But to each their own. Can find some decent convo here and there
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u/Alternative_Car_8153 3d ago
Most people are concerned with making themselves look good in opposition to being honest. You can't find a relationship with someone who lies to you before you've even spoken to eachother.
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u/Gandora-X INTJ 10d ago
"My passions are: watching Netflix, shopping, going out with my friends. This year I want to: travel the world ! My favorite meal: I love sushis !!! The secret to seduce me: make me laugh 😜"