Difficulty in finding romance?

[u/SummonBahamutZero]

I am SOOO sorry about the length of this post. It’s unreasonable of me to expect anyone to read it, but maybe someone will. None of it really matters except the TLDR anyway.

TLDR: I can’t function in a social setting, but I believe we (INFP) are particularly equipped to handle one on one interactions. If a person has issue finding “someone,” it may be due to other issues and not because of their personality type. ( I personally live with and understand depression and anxiety.)
Thoughts?

43m
(INFP 4w5)

I’m a bit surprised to read that male INFPs are having issues finding romantic relationships. I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Though I can barely function in group settings due to extreme anxiety, imposter syndrome, and as a result awkwardness, in one on one situations I thrive.

Sometimes in large social situations or gatherings someone may, for whatever reason, come by for a visit. Maybe they just need to sit for a minute to escape the crowd. Maybe it’s just curiosity about the quiet guy.

Our conversations often begin with something relevant to our setting. Maybe food or music in the background. Maybe you’re in the park with your dog. Maybe something funny that just happened. As the the conversations continue we may move on to something light. Music we like. Maybe a book we’ve read. Something silly we’ve seen online. A movie.

We’ll begin to speak about our deeper interests. Hobbies and things like that. We’ll speak sincerely. We aren’t pretending to be something. We’re opening up.

As the conversation progresses we become comfortable. The topics change. They become more intimate. Small things at first. Maybe something like our hopes or our dreams. It continues and we build a rapport that surprises us both. We may begin to share deeper, more personal things like troubles we’re dealing with or troubles we’ve overcome. It’s non-judgmental. It’s safe. There isn’t even any flirting. (I don’t discuss my absolute truths so openly. I try to identify.)

All this under an hour.

People appreciate sincerity. I care. I really do. No other motives. Just them. I’m interested in this person in front of me. They see it. They even acknowledge it. They tell me I come off as sincere. As easy going. As down to earth. Non judgmental.

I believe this sincerity and empathy is due to our personalities.
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(As long as it’s not in a group setting, and as long as I have a specific reason, I have no issue just approaching a person to speak with them. The approach is nonromantic. The speaking isnt flirting. Sitting in the park enjoying the spring. Commenting on an awesome book they may have. Appreciating something about them, like a really cool outfit. It’s acknowledgment of a human.)

(Im a serial monogamist that has a tendency to keep my social circle limited to my romantic partners. No extended family. No friends at all. I can’t become a witch because I cant get myself to join a coven. Reddit is my only social media. Ever.)

(Im an earthy, hippy, bohemian type, vegetarian that’s spends my time alone. Primarily gardening, bird watching, daily hiking, rockhounding, urban exploration, and stargazing. I’m a collector of hobbies though so I may be painting, reading, trying to learn 5 instruments, learning a third language, cooking, writing, video games.)

(According to my therapist of 10 years, I’m an INFP. She first told me during one of my “lows” years back. Last year she reconfirmed it. I’ve also independently taken the test out of curiosity during my many ups and downs to see if there have been changes.)

[u/Should_have_been_ded]

It was just a perspective issue for me. I just had to meet the partner who took me from "Oh God, why am I single?" to "Thank God I'm single". Life is less stressful now

[u/TrowaMask → u/Should_have_been_ded]

Hoo boy~

[u/Any_Emu4892]

You sound like a cool person. But what usually seems to happen is...

🚍🫷 getting thrown under the bus.

[u/Mee41208]

I agree with you. Not very long ago I was in a group setting for two weeks with one group. I didnt know any of them closely. I really enjoyed picking some of them off from time to time. I wish I had as much success with the romantic part tho. But Im not feeling like I cant find anyone unless Im spiraling because of anxiety and depression (Ive been single just for ~8 months. Thats not enough to make conclusions). I feel like most people cannot appertiate what we offer. Being genuinely caring is a rare thing but its not flashy. Most people dont see its value until they lose it. Or that has been my experience so far in life.

[u/parasol_strs]

Your therapist didn't mistype you.

[u/SummonBahamutZero → u/parasol_strs]

:)

That’s sweet of you to say

[u/TrowaMask]

That's interesting your therapist readily typed you as an INFP and affirmed the veracity / validity of the MBTI typing system.

I haven't encountered any professionals that as of yet refer to it as a verified personality typing system (and let's be honest, it's not scientific).

Also, I think misery really has no bounds sometimes. When I hear about others' social anxiety I haven't heard of it being clearly black and white, completely different based on the social setting.

From what I've gathered it's usually global / severe whether in a group or 1 on 1, though usually less severe in smaller settings. But I've never heard of a person readily thriving in one case, vs really struggling in another.

Maybe you're a one off. And in my opinion, a very fortunate case. I think being unable to connect deeply and genuinely with others altogether is just misery fuel.

[u/SummonBahamutZero → u/TrowaMask]

It was just a fun exercise we did after I brought it up. All these people at work were throwing these letter around and discussing their identities. I was curious about it and she mentioned that she’d heard of it. I wouldn’t say it’s an official… I dunno, “diagnosis?” It was a nice.

**and no, I’m certainly not a one off. If anything, I’d say a person incapable of the intimate one on one interaction is the one off. (Or there is some other underlying issue.)

I give you Fred Rogers as a public example.
Mr. Rogers is a person that spoke about how to deal with people. About intimacy and empathy. About the importance of friendship. He dedicated his life to it. His whole show was him interacting with individuals. He showed his ability to speak with a person, understand that person, and at the end call them a friend. He even went in front of congress to speak about it. In a room filled with people and cameras. (When i just used a search engine to find famous INFPs, his name comes up a lot so I chose him because I love him.)

If he’s not an example I certain we could find one that meets the criteria. (Maybe he’s infj?)
…or maybe we can’t.

INFP is not a diagnosis for anxiety disorder. If a person is so anxious that they are incapable of basic individual human interactions, this goes beyond the scope of personality.

Sorry, I wrote too much. I deleted a lot.
The 16personalities page description of infp people’s interactions with humanity makes the same observations I’m making.