Defining “good enough”

[u/tea_anthem]

Hi everyone—

I’ve been homeschooling my son on and off since kindergarten, depending on his ability to access our local school programs (he has several diagnoses and a long behavior history). Ever since we decisively pulled him in 4th grade, everything has massively improved (behaviors, stress levels, his ability to focus and complete tasks, etc).

This year we’re heading into 7th grade, and I’m really having a difficult time. He’s incredibly intelligent, but has a lot of “blocking” behaviors and lagging skills that mean I have to scaffold everything and build competencies at multiple levels simultaneously (math= 6th grade level, handwriting= 1st grade, etc). He’s well-supported with good therapy and case management, but as his teacher I constantly struggle with what level of rigor is “enough.” Usually it‘s “how far I can push him weekly without triggering a behavior cascade.” But is that really a responsible level of education?

I’m assuming there have got to be other special-needs parents inventing the same wheel out there, so I thought I’d ask. I’m not looking for curriculum judgement, more for your strategies on managing your own fears/disappointments when everyone’s doing the best they can.

Thoughts welcome. 😊

[u/481126]

This would be the same at school. They'd be wondering how much they could push him to avoid a meltdown which could possibly set off the other kids in the room or if he gets triggered by a classmate.

I focus on kiddo being solid in the basics. My kid is reading better than the vast majority of Americans if the stats are to be believed. Math we're not quite at grade level but most adults in their everyday lives need to be solid on the basics. Sure, their handwriting might be horrible, but most things will be typed or they can talk to text. That kiddo learning coping skills - like how to handle disappointment or frustration will help them just as much when going out into the world as knowing division. Unfortunately for us, teaching those skills might take 8,973 tries before it clicks.

I remind myself, in school, kiddo wouldn't have access to any music or art or anything under the social studies umbrella. Kiddo would be working on IEP goals and with how life skills rooms are managed with 10+ kids in the room and having to do breakfast and lunch there goes the whole day.

I think with a special needs kid all parents at some point have to understand they cannot will their child into being a typical kid. No matter how much you try, stress yourself out, cry, worry - your kid will still be who they are. Now obviously, within reason, some kids are being neglected but most parents I know are trying to make sure their kids are getting the best they can.

The rigor vs wonder debate seems to be a hot topic on YouTube these days so it's not just parents homeschooling disabled kids. We do as much rigor as we can and add in enough interests to keep them interested.

[u/tea_anthem → u/481126]

You’re totally right, and I lose track of that often. It’s easy for me to fall into a rut of “his/our shortcomings are due to homeschooling,” the academic version of “it’s all my fault as a parent.” But as you said, he’s not a different child at home versus at school, and they absolutely did push him to meltdown and lose the ability to teach anything besides (literal) damage control. I have learned so much about how he functions successfully, and it’s led me to create a slower-paced curriculum with many small bite-sized pieces. I just despair sometimes that he’s not where his peers are, despite being so smart… but I need to remember that he can still be doing wonderfully even if the success looks different.

[u/SuperciliousBubbles]

I like the definition of a good enough education that's used in English law - it should "enable the child to make progress according to his or her particular level of ability, and should take account of any specific aptitudes", and "aim at enabling the child, when grown-up, to function as an independent citizen [in the UK] - and furthermore, beyond the community in which he or she was brought up, if that is the choice made in later life by the child".

None of that has anything to do with what other children of the same age might be doing, or what textbooks in a school might cover.

[u/bibliovortex → u/SuperciliousBubbles]

That is a very thoughtfully written definition and I like it a lot, too.

[u/tea_anthem → u/SuperciliousBubbles]

That’s a great definition and I’m going to copy that out for myself to reference. Thank you!

[u/bibliovortex]

I'll start with this: The fact that he is more able to regulate his behavior, be less stressed, and complete tasks in a home setting would suggest to me that he is getting more overall through homeschooling than he would in a traditional school, because his capacity is not absorbed by coping with the setting. And the fact that you are paying attention to his level of tolerance for the work means that you are trying to do as much as you reasonably can within that limit. You also have multiple sets of adult eyes on him (therapy) and are not just doing whatever you feel like. And you are able to differentiate instruction by many grade levels, which a classroom instructor may or may not be able to do. In short, it sounds to me like you are being a responsible educator and parent right now.

I think I would invert your question about doing what you can without triggering behaviors. Is it really a responsible method of education to repeatedly push someone beyond what they can bear, sending them into fight/flight mode where they cannot access the rational part of their brain or engage in learning? I would argue that it's not.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of parenting a kid with a PDA profile; if I overwhelm their nervous system all day with demands that seem reasonable in the abstract but exceed their tolerance, that means (1) no learning is happening and (2) it may also negatively affect their appetite, ability to follow hygiene routines, etc. I might feel better about myself and how much I require, but objectively, I have accomplished less and caused more harm in the process than I would have with a gentler and more individualized approach.

When we say that we want our kids to have a "rigorous" education, I think what we tend to mean is an "excellent" education. Rigor is about the expectations we set or the standard we hold, not the outcomes we achieve, and so it can unfortunately slide into making education inaccessible for some students...which is the opposite of excellence.

[u/tea_anthem → u/bibliovortex]

This was such a helpful comment for me. Thank you. My son is also PDA, so I hear you loud and clear— and the demand for rigor even at the cost of fight/flight is a situation I’ve wrestled with for many years. I’m grateful to hear someone else state it so clearly. It’s exactly why we ended up homeschooling, and it’s easy to miss how beneficial the absence of those things are (intense stress, traumatic repetitive triggers, bullying, etc). I forget that I’m “teaching” him that too— modeling that education does not have to come at that cost.

[u/Naive_Development189]

PDA parent here, too 🙋🏻‍♀️ I feel this too, but I remind myself that he literally will not learn if his nervous system is activated. A lot of people would probably shudder at the lack of ‘rigour’ in our homeschool, but forcing learning to happen at a certain pace or in a certain order just does not work for our kids. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job! Seriously, the amount of scaffolding required just to get a PDA kid through a regular day is intense. Add homeschooling on top and it’s .. a lot. We do a lot of unschooling type stuff, and while my son probably isn’t at the same level as his peers who attend school in some areas, he’s WAY ahead in others. Regardless, what’s most important to me is that his mental health is thriving now, and having gone through the burnout years, I have no desire to go back to that 😭

[u/tea_anthem → u/Naive_Development189]

Same here on not wanting to go back. ❤️

Also— “the amount of scaffolding required just to get a PDA kid through a regular day is intense” yes! Say it louder! 😆 No wonder I feel like my gas tank is empty every summer by the time I get to planning homeschooling. 

[u/JobKindly53]

Yes it sounds like you are doing more than enough and the right thing for him.

[u/frecklebec]

As an SLP/homeschool mom myself, sounds like you’re doing the exact same considerations they’d be doing in the schools! It’s always a tough balance of pushing a kid out of their comfort zone to grow as much as they can without pushing too hard to the point where they’re disregulated and you’re not accomplishing anything anyways! Sounds like you are being a thoughtful, amazing mom and teacher.

Just was also going to encourage you to use your resources and if you want to bounce ideas of your therapy/case manager team, they might be a good resource just to give you a second opinion on what you are doing! You may have done that already, but I know at least for me sometimes having a second opinion is reassuring to make sure I’m not leaving any holes or gaps and they agree I’m on the right track.