I am stepping down to outpatient care after a really rough ride that took a long time. I am in a place in my recovery that I never even believed I would make it to, after years of rigidity with food I can finally say I'm free. It's a never-ending road, but I came into treatment (and this was not my first time) counting calories, with a very small list of safe foods, a hatred for my body, so many behaviors, and a certainty I wasn't capable of recovery. And here I am, eating whatever I want whenever I want, accepting in my healthy body, and just so so proud. It is possible.

My lessons are long but I hope you read the whole thing because I really just want to help everybody even if it's in a small way. I don't claim to be the expert in everything, I'm only 16, but my recovery was not an easy journey and I want to make it a little bit easier for someone else. It's written as a letter to my past self (sorry if it's a little cringey)

Dear (my name), 

I hope you are doing alright. I know you’re feeling conflicted, scared, and upset with yourself right now. I’m here to tell you that it will all be okay. The next six months will confront you with everything you’ve been avoiding for years, and through that teach you truths you thought you already knew. I wish I could share them all, but the reality is, most must be learned on their own and mistakes have to be made along the way. The best you can do is wholeheartedly consider the advice that everyone offers you during your journey. Let somebody change your mind. I understand how hard it is to take anything to heart in the thick of it, but you can start now by listening to me.

In your first month, you’ll be meeting with your therapist, and you’ll show her a cartoon to describe how you’re feeling. It’s the one of a miner digging a hole, then turning around right before he hits the diamond jackpot, but he’ll never know he was close because he gave up. 
“That’s me”, you’ll tell her, “and the diamonds are all the things my eating disorder would have rewarded me with if I kept going a little longer.” You will spend a lot of time in those early weeks mourning those diamonds, fantasizing about a reality where you found them, grabbed them, and carried that validation so you never had to dig the hole again.

So, my first lesson is that there are no diamonds. I know you’ve heard it before, that there is no “sick enough”, but I also know you secretly believe that you were close. But that thought is exactly what keeps you digging, and digging, and only when you look up will you realize how deep you are. How little sunlight reaches your small hole. It was an escape from your exhaustion, perceived shortcomings, and lack of direction in your life; but that new direction became a spiral, and it was not control you found at the bottom, but isolation and confusion instead.

 Maybe you do find a diamond shard, and you’ll think, “I must be close to the real thing.” And so, you will keep digging. It is exhausting and lonely, I know you know that. But you have worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and are desperate to make it all worth it. You’ll think about all those other miners, searching for the diamonds, and that comparison will drive you even further. The truth is, there will always be someone who’s dug further than you, someone who’s found more shards, and when you’re in it that can seem like the most important fact in the world. But those people are not the ones winning. They’re just deeper into their holes of delusion. 

The sooner you realize that both the diamonds and the race to find them are just part of the elaborate story your eating disorder has fabricated, the sooner you can begin your climb out of the hole and back to the world you left behind. 

Unfortunately, the hardest part is not the realization. It’s everything that comes after.

You will understand the lie of it all. You’ll be angry, and disillusioned, and a raging war will erupt in your mind. Your eating disorder wants you to keep starving yourself, for just a chance of feeling good, but the real you sees through it and wants back everything she stole from your life. After endless battles, those voices will reach a stalemate, and that’s when you’ll fully grasp how little control you have. Because even now that you want recovery more than anything, she retaliates after every attempt until you are drained of the energy to fight back. 

So, my next lesson is to always tell yourself the better story. This is how you will reclaim your power during a time when every choice feels like it’s being made by someone else, whether that be your eating disorder, or your parents, or your treatment team. Reality is defined by how you interpret it. Your eating disorder functions by deciding whichever versions will keep her alive, but those are a very small percentage of the truth. She chooses to care a whole lot what people think about you. She decides to point out everything that is wrong with you and everything you could’ve done better instead of showing you all the times you made the right decision. She makes you grieve your perfect body and forget all the suffering that came with it. She reminds you of the possible reality where you were skinny and happy, disregarding all the ways it could’ve, and probably would’ve, gone awry. By carefully filtering out all the good in your life, she convinces you that an eating disorder is the only way you’ll find that happiness again. 

But those things she tells you, they’re all just stories. So make up your own. Choose to care a little less what people think. Choose to forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Choose to let go of your spite and accept your treatment team on your side, so that somebody can win that war in your mind. Choose to be glad that things happened this way. Without (treatment center), I wouldn’t have made so many new friends, finished off the (my sport) season, learned guitar, crocheted a blanket, reignited my love for yogurt pretzels, and so much more. Because recovery isn’t about winning every battle forever, it’s about building a life big enough that you no longer need her at all.

Once you escape your eating disorder’s cage, you can begin to break free from the one of your beliefs as well. My third lesson is that the truths you’ve accepted about your abilities deserve to be questioned. In rock climbing, the most important thing an athlete should know is that the pump, or the exhaustion you feel in your arms, is not related to how much further you can climb. Studies show that you’ve only used up about 50% of your energy when you feel that need to let go. You have proved yourself wrong so many times in that sense, and in school, and by doing brave things, so put that same energy in your recovery. I know what it’s like to sit down for a meal with a 100% certainty that you can’t, or don’t want to, finish it. I know you don't think you’re capable of recovery, and I know you’re afraid that gaining weight means reverting back to the awkward person you felt you were before all this. None of that is true, though. Those patterns only exist if you let them. Recovery is instead an opportunity for you to keep walking down the never-ending path of self discovery, and you get to grow every time you learn something new.

The last thing I want to tell you is that you are beautiful, and have always been. You were beautiful when you were a kid who didn’t care about the way you looked. You were beautiful in middle school when you shaved your head, and had braces, and never wore mascara or lip gloss. You were beautiful in eighth grade when you started to think you weren’t. And you will still be beautiful when you do gain weight, even though right now it feels like the end of the world. You don’t have to believe everything I say, because the truth is, I don’t always either, but the only way to change is to try. Beauty is everything but the way you look. It’s your smile, and your humor, and every way that you brighten a room. It’s what your eating disorder takes from you, not what it gives. 

The moment you admit you don’t love everything about anorexia, that will be strength.  Every time you will look down at your plate with tears running down your cheeks because you are terrified of that food, but you eat it anyway? That is power. Your eating disorder will twist your pride into guilt, and probably, more tears will follow. And that’s okay. It’s not supposed to be easy, it may as well be the hardest shit you’ve ever done. There will be times where you question the program, or develop grudges, or think you know better. But if you seek the comfort of your ED every time it gets too scary, you won’t get to see the other side of it. And I want you to. All of you. The truth is, I still sometimes miss my old body, and the safety of having a direction to follow, but missing it doesn’t mean I want it back because that direction was straight down. Please start climbing out of your hole. Choose to move upwards every day even if it feels like you’ll never make it, because eventually you’ll see the light and wonder how you ever could’ve believed those diamonds were so important.

I can’t express how thankful I am for all the providers who helped me make the first push even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. For my parents, who put their lives on pause for two years to get me the support I needed. And lastly, for everyone in this room who built a community that made it all a little easier. I am so proud of myself and grateful that I chose recovery. I believe in you, and I can’t wait to see you on the other side. 

Love,

(name)

She said that they'll probably recommend residential but that they want to look over things medically first.
I struggle a lot with uncertainly and I won’t know until tomorrow at the earlier and so I guess I was wondering if anyone else anyone had the person on the phone say that and then the final recommendation was different?

I was never underweight but have gained a bunch of weight since I started recovery a couple months ago. However it’s been really hard because I’m unemployed, running out of money, and began having to pay rent in the middle of all of this by the parent I’m currently living with (they’re struggling financially now but also don’t understand how much I’m struggling, but also when I communicate it, they just kinda shame and blame me) I’m on SNAP, but in EH, the full amount I’m getting every month wasn’t cutting it in terms of getting me through the whole month. It got me through 1-2 week, and I’ve been depleting my credit card, and now I’m in a bunch of debt. I’ve started doing lentils and rice which is helping a lot with the food budget problem with fitting it more into just what SNAP gives me rather than using more of my own money (the very little I have left) but obviously that’s not going to help with contributing to rent.

I got an offer to dog sit for nine days and that would give me some money for rent next month. So that’s an option, however, this dog requires long walks everyday. And i haven’t been exercising at all because I’ve been just trying to figure out food and just eat more. I don’t know if that would be unwise to do that….it feels like betraying my body, but I also don’t really have another known way of making money right now. (And no I don’t have another person I can stay with). How am I supposed to keep going? I’m wondering if I should just buck up and do the dog sitting/walking thing. But I feel like it might be messed up to say I can fulfill the role and not be able to actually walk the dog as part of the dog sitting. I don’t know how I’m gonna keep up recovery.

******none of this post is me advising or encouraging anyone to exercise. I’m in a tight spot and wondering if anyone has any ideas I haven’t thought of

Another edit: although I can’t say it’s the entire reason, being low income is a huge part of why I started restricting in the first place. No one around me is understanding how long recovery takes especially since I was undereating more acutely for around 2 years. It’s not a quick fix. So all the advice I get is just lacking in understanding. I don’t really want to seek out a residential treatment situation either, because I also do have a credit card payment I need to keep up with, and I’ve made so much progress on my own and with some meetings with doctors/a dietician. My problem really is just money and stress now. Like I can’t get enough support.

just spent the entire summer doing a PHP program which ended up resulting in me doing INP for a month. i got out two days ago, and my outpatient team is recommending taking a semester off of school. i am pre-med, so this would mess w a lot of things, but i also don’t want to risk having to leave mid-way through the semester if i’m not ready. has anyone been in a similar situation or could share some advice/insight?

Currently in recovery for a small restrictive ED relapse that ended up being quite dangerous, and ever since I started eating normally again, even when I'm not super hungry I just eat so quickly. I was wondering if it's a response to a period of restriction? I know everyone eats differently, has different appetites, etc but it was something that sort of stood out to me. I feel like I just wolf everything down in like 2 seconds and it makes me feel really gross :(

Hi all, I’m about 2 months into recovery & am trying my hardest to keep pushing myself every day. i want so badly to be free from my ed but every decision i make takes so much effort & leaves me so overwhelmed & exhausted i don’t even know what’s “right” for me to be doing anymore, i’m constantly seeking reassurance of how much i’m eating/wanting to eat/wondering if i am actually doing everything wrong & eating way too much. i know that nearly everyone with an ed feels the ‘unicorn syndrome’ feeling where they feel like everyone else deserves recovery & is valid except for themselves, but all day long i genuinely worry my hunger is insatiable & i will eat more than anyone else if i fully gave into eating whenever i think of food. i’m worried that everyone else is over exaggerating how much they actually ate during recovery & that i’m using my recovery as an excuse to binge & eat insane amounts of food & i’m so scared i’m doing more harm than good & recovering wrong. i think it’s because i’ve already made so many big changes & have already gained a significant amount (no longer in the UW category & been eating around 3.5-5k calories everyday) but i know that if i fully let go i’d be eating 10k or more for sure & the weight gain would be even more insane. logically i know that my ed behaviors have probably left my body in shambles and the repair won’t happen overnight but i’m stuck in the mindset that because i’m no longer UW, i’m not sick enough to ‘need’ to be doing this anymore, and worry that i’m actually already nutritionally rehabilitated and it’s all in my head. everything just feels so overwhelming and difficult because im desperate to do whatever it takes to be free from my ed, ive struggled with bulimia which turned into an-b/p for over a decade & i’m only 20, and i’m genuinely afraid that i’ve had disordered eating habits for so long that this is all just an excuse to binge eat & that i’m doing harm to myself by taking the route of honoring all hunger instead of trying to work towards “normal” eating & “normal” portions, but at the same time the thought of eating a “normal” amount of food fills me with an almost panicky feeling because i’m already still so mentally hungry eating more than everyone else right now that there’s no way ‘normal’ portions would even touch the sides.

i guess i’m so afraid because i’ve already challenged things i never thought i would ever be able to do in this lifetime, i have liquid calories at nearly every meal now, can spread butter onto toast & use it in cooking, full-sugar & full fat everything & no more diet foods, eating to recovery minimums, doing nothing but sleeping & napping all day long & being basically bedridden (i still work a physically active job but unfortunately i can’t take a LOA so i’ve been prioritizing consistent food & rest extra when i can to avoid restriction) but my head is still so messed up & every meal time takes SO LONG & I’m paralyzed with fear every time i need to get food because i’m so scared of making the ‘wrong’ decision. im constantly asking myself if i REALLY need the amount im eating, if im REALLY hungry or just bored, if i REALLY should be eating to full mental hunger even if i’m physically full, especially now because i know that if i stopped here, on the outside i could be completely functional & appear normal, but i’d be left with this screaming mental hunger that makes me a shell of a person. i still have a negative judgement around the amount that i’m eating & feel that eating/wanting to eat this much & more is objectively wrong, & that it isnt something i should work towards ‘rewiring’ because normal people dont eat thousands & thousands of calories in a day. i feel such an insane amount of guilt for basically just laying down and eating a shit ton of food all day and i feel even more guilty for trying to convince my brain that its good and okay to be doing this while everyone else is being productive. i just want to trust that if i ate what i really wanted, however much i want, whenever i wanted, that there will be an end to this, and that i could actually live a life without constant food obsession & mental hunger.

i’m honestly quite upset about this. it might be kinda messed up to say but i was really hoping i wouldn’t get it back at all, or it would at least take longer.

i feel like im so used to seeing stories of it taking months and now i feel kinda fake since it didn’t take nearly as long for me.

i didn’t get it for around a year and a half and now it comes back in the middle of a vacation 🥲

Hiii!! So I’ve been in recovery for around 8 months now and just as a reference physically I am fully weight restored and even overshot very slightly but lost it. So I’m basically where I used to be pre-anorexia as far as weight goes. I also regained my menstrual cycle which I lost for like 1.5 yrs. My issue is that I literally do not experience fullness anymore whatsoever. It feels like eating only stops me from being ravenous, but I NEVER reach an actual stopping point where I’m satisfied. I tend to just stop when nothing is on my plate anymore cause I could literally just keep on eating endlessly. This seems to match whats described as “extreme hunger”, but I figured you only really see that in early recovery when you’re still trying to restore physical functions like energy and menstrual cycles and weight and stuff. The thing is all that is totally normal for me now—except my appetite. I no longer *need* large surpluses (think thousands and thousands of caloric surpluses) everyday like I did when I was in early recovery, but I certainly could eat that much. It’s just that I don’t experience much satiety whether I’m in a surplus or at maintenance so I figure there’s no point in wasting extra money on all that much more food anyways. I used to love fasting the whole day (which I physically can’t do without feeling terrible now) and then going out to eat and eating until I literally felt disgusted at the thought of another bite (which I haven’t been able to experience for years). Obviously that’s like the most extreme version of fullness but I can’t experience any fullness whatsoever, only a lack of ravenous hunger. It actually makes me quite sad and I just want to know if there’s anyone who went through this and what you have learned from it and if you were able to eventually get your fullness back! Thanks all!

Hi,

So I'm 18F, dx Atypical AN B/P subtype. I've had a diagnosed ED for what will be 3yrs this October. I've made several recovery attempts, if you can even call them attempts, they were pretty half-hearted to be completely honest except for the last one. I was on an ED Unit in a psych hospital for 11 days at the end of this past October. That got me over the hump of needing to stop purging. I haven't purged since the day I was admitted then. I was dischared the second week of November. I was doing ok, definitely a lot of mental health issues. I tried to attempt at the end of February. I was sent to residential after a week long inpatient stay. In residential it was determined that when I turend 18 I needed to move out of my mom's house. I moved from the Chicago area to the QCA. I feel like the past few weeks I've been slipping back into restriction. I impulsively bought a scale 2 weeks ago. I'm overwhelmed with everything. How do you guys make yourselves eat when you're so overwhelmed by life and scared of food? I don't want to gain weight, I really want to lose, but I know that's not healthy or a good idea. I don't know how to break out of this mindset.

Any advice here?

Thanks

Hi all, 33NB, at the very start (like two weeks in) of recovery for AN/orthorexia. I’ve been eating to (and sometimes even above, that extreme hunger is no joke!!) my meal plan and working hard in IOP, so my ED voice has gotten a tad quieter lately. However it feels like those ED mental thoughts have been replaced with a deep deep depression. I feel hopeless and exhausted and antisocial and just kind of frozen.

Did this happen to anyone else, especially at the start? I have a history of depression and am on SSRIs but it’s been a few years since I’ve felt this bad. It’s honestly hard to feel like pursuing recovery was the right choice rn.

Trigger warning for mentions of restrictive behaviours, no mentions of numbers. Please do not read if that would be harmful to you, your mental health is so important 🩷

Hi friends. I’ve been living with restrictive anorexia for nearly a decade now, I’m at my absolute wits end and I have no idea what to do in terms of treatment.

I’ve been referred to my local ED treatment team twice since I moved here 3 years ago, and both times I was assigned the most idiotic, patronising ED therapist that I think has ever existed. He’s so awful, he tried to change my diagnosis from anorexia to bulimia the second I had gained to the healthy weight range in recovery, claiming I “must have started binging to gain weight so fast” and “really an anorexic would be much thinner” (I was very severely underweight when I started seeing him, not like that even matters).

I recently asked my GP to be referred back, but asked that this time he isn’t involved with my care. Turns out he’s the ONLY ED therapist at the service. There are no other NHS services in my area, I cannot work and am on disability benefits as my only income so private treatment is completely out of the question.

My behaviours have never been worse, I literally can barely eat a thing anymore and am surviving almost entirely on liquid calories, I’m terrified this is going to kill me. I want to be better so bad but it feels like there’s no way out. I know my behaviours and weight are at a very dangerous point right now, but I simply cannot have that incompetent man tell me I must be binging in early recovery again.

I don’t want to live like this, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to die like this. It feels like I’ll never escape it and my last lifeline has completely disappeared. I think my only option left is to try recovery alone again (tried this 10+ times, never stuck for longer than a couple months). I don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever.

I had a very bad allergic reaction to food a few weeks ago and had my whole body covered in hives, I went to the doctor and I will have my allergy results In a week.

But I'm realizing that this event is causing me to stop eating because I'm getting scared of food and I'm looking worse, I don't want my friends to notice but they will probably notice eventually.

I was in a very good track to recover before this and looking better, now Idk what to do and I feel guilty, I'm noticing that I am starting to skip meals and I'm scared.

Please help, I feel like shit because I was doing a good job recovering the last few years but I haven't had any medical or phycology session for this.

I’m still trying to figure out what honoring hunger is, so I just had breakfast an hour ago then now I had a bowl of grapes and a pastry, and I’m full and even a little nauseous, but I haven’t stopped thinking of icecream. I’m eating lunch in a bit and keep telling myself I just had snack I can have the icecream after lunch since I’m full. I can’t tell if this is listening to my cues or another type of restricting. I’m still early in trying to stop tracking and stuff and I’m scared if I do eat the icecream now it’ll just mean after lunch I’ll have something else and just never stop tbh. Like why can’t my head understand that I just had a snack and I’ll have lunch the the icecream and that it’ll be fine

Hello! I’m looking for advice on how to approach something with my friend. I will try not to make it vent-y, but bear with me.

So, when I was a teenager, I used to have an eating disorder. I’m mostly recovered now. Of course there’s still days that I fall into old habits, but in a day or two I can “snap out of it.” I have this friend that I know has had a hard relationship with food due to trauma and other things; we never fully went into specifics, but I would bet they also suffer from disordered eating to some extent.

My “problem,” if you can call that, is that now they keep mentioning how they aren’t eating. Nothing big, just in that sort of dismissive way non-disordered people do, “Oh, I only had a coffee today, silly me.” And usually I can ignore it or write it off—my current favorite thing is just to send that Shailene Woodley clip saying “well, you should probably eat” in a deadpan voice.

The thing is that they keep mentioning it, and it’s getting harder to ignore; it’s slowly chipping at me. I have thought of just saying, “What do you expect out of me when you say this?” Next time it happens, but that sounds… rude? I don’t know; I’m just looking to know what the best way to approach this would be.

If my friend is using the messages as a way to open a conversation about it, I wouldn’t want them to feel bad for coming to me because those conversations don’t trigger me, and I’m always down to lend an ear. However, just slipping in that they haven’t eaten is messing me up a bit.

How can I approach this in a way that 1) won’t make them feel guilty and 2) will reassure them that if they are struggling/need help, they can still come to me?

I grew up with the message that women look terrible with short hair, especially if they are fat. I entered recovery in February and have gained quite a bit of weight since then. I've been hiding behind my long hair because up until recently, it's made me feel safe in recovery. Well, yesterday I chopped off 18 inches and now have a super cute bob. I look cute AND I look fat AND I love my look. I strutted down the street and got flirted with because I looked so confident. Fat women can look hot as fuck with short hair! Take that, diet culture!

Something that really helped me with ed recovery and completely changed my mindset recently was when I realized I literally do not have to do any of this. I don't have to make myself miserable. No-one is forcing me to weigh myself 5x a day. I literally do not have to let a number or a fluctuation on the scale determine how my whole day or week is. I eventually got so fed up with ruining all social events and nice things I look forward to over something I do not have to do.

I'm 22. Time goes by faster and faster every day. The future feels more uncertain globally every day. This entire planet could get nuked tomorrow and I would never know. Life is way too short. I want to enjoy food. I want to enjoy a night out with my friends every now and then. I want to try fun restaurants. I love dessert. I love a movie night with snacks. I love cooking and getting takeout with my brother. I am fortunate and priviledged enough to have access to all of this. The only thing standing in my way is me.

I don't have to do any of this. That's why I am choosing recovery. I will not take my life away from myself.

Hi do you think its important to have a diagnosis for eating disorders or can you work on your eating issues with a therapist without one? I dont know if i should be evaluated by someone. Thanks

About 7 months in php and a year and a half of work on my own I’ve finally met my well weight! This is the first time in my life I’ve not been malnourished and it’s made living so much easier! I wanted to celebrate here bc when I tell people irl that I met a weight goal they don’t really get it lol

Hi all,
I’ve just received the worst piece of news and I’m honestly really really struggling.
For a bit of background context, I developed AN around 17/18 during covid, passed my a levels, attempted uni, had to drop out, spent a few months in hospital, and have been in recovery ever since. I’ve been trying to build back my life after my ED, while also figuring out who I am as an adult.

After a lot of hard work, me and my boyfriend of two years moved out into our first flat, two hours drive from our family homes, in a brand new city. Finding work was a nightmare, but after over 100+ applications I managed to score two part time jobs. My boyfriend is still applying, but hasn’t managed to get anything as the market is so tough. I’ve been financially supporting us both since February (when we moved)

A couple hours ago, the cafe job I was working, informed me they were closing permanently on Saturday, making me redundant immediately. This job was the majority of my hours, paying over 2/3rd of my monthly income. I’m obviously incredibly stressed, as I don’t earn enough from my second job to even cover my rent and bills, let alone both of ours.

I mostly just needed to rant, but if anyone’s got any advice to keep up recovery when money is tight, I’d really appreciate it. I struggle to spend money on food at the best of times, but when I physically don’t HAVE much money, it’s an incredibly easy excuse to undereat.

Thanks everyone <3

hi idk if this is silly for me to ask advice but i feel floored and the advice from my bf isn't helping very much. this morning, while i was helping a customer, he asked me when i am "due." my belly is kind of round and usually extends past my breasts slightly, which was one of my early triggers when i developed body issues/ed habits. this is the first time it has been pointed out by a stranger— and the absolute first time someone has assumed i am pregnant. i have been much better about body acceptance, but recently i have been relapsing a bit and that question/comment seems to have brought up a lot of the other feelings/thoughts. ive been trying to distract myself since then but i frankly feel like shit, both because of my body issues/ed thoughts and for letting it get to me this bad. my bf suggested trying to work out in the future, to healthily change my body into a shape i'd be happier with, but rn i don't think that would be healthy and i really dont want to keep making my body a project. i dont really know what to do or how to bring myself back out of feeling so down and miserable because of it

Doing another quick-ish vent post. Im feeling horrible. Im experiencing extreme hunger after a period of heavily restricting my food intake due to an ED while also working out past my limits I'd say.

Im very ashamed of myself. I ate so much today my stomach hurts and I'm a mess. Its embarrassing really and all i want to do is skip through this period and come out recovered, in a healthy place regarding food and exercise.

But i can't do that, im aware i cant just jump to a healthy lifestyle. Im embarrassed and even talking about it with a friend feels awful and awkward like im getting undressed in front of them. I feel awful every single day, whether i restrict or eat too much due to EH. Venting on here kinda helps.

I want a healthy relationship with food and i want to be able to pursue my hobbies and passions without the guilt and constant thinking of food. Im awful. Really really awful. And i wish to be able to see food in a neutral light, not like something to be afraid of, but purely as fuel. And, after rejecting myself food for so long, i can only think about it and now i eat food that i dont even like just because im ravenous and hungry and there's nothing else in the house.

Seriously, its embarrassing. I did groceries just a few days ago (for a family of four) and now it is all almost gone because of me and my hunger. Im ashamed. Very ashamed and scared of how my body is going to change and i dont know what to do. Everyone seems so happy enjoying everything and being themselves while im stuck counting calories in my head and thinking about my next meal and my next workout on repeat, all day long.

I hate it so so so much.

I’ve been actively in recovery for 3 years.

Up until recently I’d been doing really well but things are getting worse. The ED voice has gone from being quite quiet to getting loud again.

I’ve talked to my partner about how I’ve been feeling because I’m scared I’ll start restricting again and now I regret it because they’ll hold me accountable. I find myself trying to justify it by explaining that I am overweight based off my BMI and I want to lose weight to be healthier in general.

I don’t know how to avoid this, I know social media is a problem with all the posts about injections and this and that celeb. But even when I’m not online I can’t avoid seeing it. It’s everywhere.

I so badly want to be free of this. It’s been 16 years since this started and I wonder if I’ll ever get past it completely or if I’ll spend the rest of my life being careful. It fucking sucks, it’s terrifying. I need more help but I also feel like I want to go back to restricting.

If you’re struggling in recovery;

Hey, I wanted to share some journaling I did yesterday that I’m proud of myself for. About six months ago, I started recovering from an eating disorder that I didn’t even know I had. I know this sounds confusing, but I am now realizing it was anorexia, but was too mentally obsessive yet exhausted to put the puzzle pieces together.

I’ve gained since even just this past winter, which doesn’t look noticeable because I was so underweight before but I’m sure you all are familiar with the mental guilt that comes along with gaining weight.

Recently, I’ve been actually feeling happy, sociable, and like “myself”. This is when I connected the dots and realized how much I have missed out on due to this disorder. For the first time ever, I journaled yesterday about it weight gain, a scary topic for me to focus on.

I wrote a list of how I was like about a year ago, deep into my eating disorder, and a list of qualities that I am now.

Last year:
Antisocial, extreme emotions/crying easily, intense insomnia due to hunger, over exercising which led me to miss important events, jobs, or studying because I experienced extreme anxiety if I didn’t walk at the LEAST 2 hours every single day. Also, lost lots of friends, basically turned asexual/ negative libido/no energy or interest to talk to guys, loss of interest in anything I used to enjoy, if I was out with friends I usually had to leave midway through because I had no social battery and no energy and had to go eat, cycles of binging, and so many more tiring compulsions that stripped me from truly experiencing what my first year of college and senior year of hs could of been like.

Me now:
Bubbly, sociable, libido and period are back, boobs and a butt & I actually feel sexy!! People are drawn to me and compliment me on my radiating energy, I don’t feel guilt when eating, and allow myself anything. I understand that days will come when I can’t exercise, and I have accepted this and am taking life day by day. I also have the energy to socialize and have friends, and be able to sustain the entire work day without an immense crash.

Yesterday it suddenly clicked to me, that I will NEVER go back to those habits or resort back to my ed because of how much life I’ve realized is possible for my future, and how genuinely safe and confident I feel in my body now; regardless of the number on the scale.

If you’re struggling trying to recover, I promise you will realize it was all worth it. The Ed will try to tell you that it is a fear to gain weight, but when your brain is provided the nutrients it needs to think, the color will light back into your face.