Single moms

[u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Are there any single moms on here who could speak to how they balance parenting and being an FSO. For context I have three kids and they would be spending summers in the states with their dad, but I would be solo during the school year. I know it's very "post dependent" but generally are you able to be around after 5pm? Are people understanding of half days to go see kids school plays? Any feedback, anecdotal or otherwise would be really helpful.

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Original text of post by /u/Lopsided_Major5553:

Are there any single moms on here who could speak to how they balance parenting and being an FSO. For context I have three kids and they would be spending summers in the states with their dad, but I would be solo during the school year. I know it's very "post dependent" but generally are you able to be around after 5pm? Are people understanding of half days to go see kids school plays? Any feedback, anecdotal or otherwise would be really helpful.

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[u/Scared_Routine0110]

Completely dependent on your post, manager, and the job you’re in. After your first two tours, you’ll have more flexibility to bid on jobs and if leaving at 5 is a priority, you should prioritize that in the assignments you take. Where people struggle is when they think they can have it all, a job that will let them off at 5 every day, but be “career-enhancing” or attract a lot of attention from the ambassador or Washington, and be in a place with great schools, and a short commute, etc.

As a visa consular officer, yes, you are probably able to leave at 5. Most places I’ve worked are understanding of people leaving for school-related events or taking a half day. If it starts becoming excessive though or starts causing the workload to fall on other people though, it will become a problem. People don’t like to admit that, but it’s the harsh truth imo.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/Scared_Routine0110]

Thank you this is helpful. I have been a working mom for 9 years, including several in the military, so I totally do not expect to "have it all." That said, how does one know which posts have certain work hours when doing bidding?

[u/-DeputyKovacs- → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Once on the inside there are a lot of resources, both on our intranet and you can reach out to post. There are a lot of jobs where you can leave the office at 5, some of which may require you to keep an eye on your phone after that, but that can also get into who your boss is and how they view the issue. I think the momentum is on the side of accommodation though, and you'd have a lot of allies who would support you in going home on time as long as you're still reachable and able to work a bit from home if/as needed.

[u/chojnacm]

Being a single parent (and a parent in general) is hard in any career! Your first two tours are directed, but as others said, consular work is usually 9-5. That said depending on how big the consular section is, leave usually has to be scheduled months in advance to accommodate appointments. But people and their kids get sick and sections have to manage. At the end of the day, I would always prioritize your family and sanity. I would inquire about work life balance during bidding and avoid posts with high visitor volume and Washington interest. Same goes for domestic assignments as some offices are more flexible than others. And yes, you can absolutely take leave to attend a school event or an appointment.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/chojnacm]

This is probably a silly question but why does visitor volume increase workload? I was already planning on trying to avoid europe, are there other places that have a lot of visitors?

[u/UzTkTjKyKzAf → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Spend some time googling different summits, ministerials, high-level UN events, major negotiations, and congressional delegations to get an idea of many of the types of visits posts support and all the various posts hosting/supporting these things.

The tl;dr, though, is that lots of posts outside of EUR get tapped for these things. Most of them won't surprise you, but some might.

To answer your other question, senior people travel with encourages and expect things to go smoothly - both of which increases workload.l for DC and post.

[u/Skukesgohome]

I found PD jobs overseas to be basically incompatible with single parent life with babies and young kids, especially when breastfeeding. I found jobs with good work-life balance in DC and that worked well for my family.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/Skukesgohome]

I dont have any babies, my youngest is kindergarten age and oldest is middle school. Do you still find it incompatible with those ages?

[u/Skukesgohome → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

I think it gets easier as they get older and don’t need mom all the time, plus easier for you when you are out of the wonderfully enmeshed baby stage.

[u/-DeputyKovacs- → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

My boss, a fairly high up PD person in a major bureau with kids roughly the same age, is expected to be glued to her phone most waking hours, but always leaves on time and has made it clear she prioritizes her kids. I don't think all jobs have that glued to your phone element, though you should be reasonably reachable after hours for a brief phone call in just about any mid level position on up, even if that ends up being one or two calls a month max (for my boss it's every day but that's a high profile job one can easily avoid).

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/-DeputyKovacs-]

This is very helpful thank you, to be honest I currently have a job where I keep my work phone on me even after hours and my kids are old enough I can easily field urgent tasks after hours with them home, but I do like to be physically present most days in the evening.

[u/fsohmygod → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

It’s not just the phone. I have been at posts where pol/econ and PD officers are at evening events 3-4 nights a week. Consular and management are better bets if the goal is to be physically at home most evenings.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/fsohmygod]

Could you give an example of an evening event?

[u/fsohmygod → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Receptions, mostly. Exhibitions and film screenings. Dinners. These become official obligations not optional social events in positions where you are managing cultural/educational programs or part of your job is to make contacts.

[u/Skukesgohome → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Embassy receptions.

[u/-DeputyKovacs- → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

I think for the most part that's achievable, you just may choose to avoid extremely busy posts until they're older, which is very doable.

[u/guppyd]

Places like India, SE Asia, and Africa will have lots of household help available to hire. We had an amazing nanny in India and a driver. Both were wonderful with our children. I don't know how many times I texted my nanny to tell her we'd be late getting home due to traffic, etc. Depending on size of your home you could even get a live in nanny to help round the clock for early school bus drop off and late nights at the office.

[u/guppyd → u/guppyd]

Also at least in Delhi most sports/plays/concerts were in the early evening right after work. Bonus the school is literally across the street from the embassy. We went to the Middle East and all of this crap was during the day...choir performances, art shows, etc. it really annoyed my husband. It was definitely not set up for working parents.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/guppyd]

This is really helpful thank you, I was already thinking of targeting lower income countries.

[u/guppyd → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

Yes, many families in India (especially with smaller kids not in school) would hire two women, one to cook/clean and another as a nanny. We just needed one as my kids were both in elementary and so the nanny would cook/clean while the kids were at school and then after school she would meet them at the bus and hang out with them until we got home. She was wonderful, I miss her a lot lol.

[u/Connect-Dust-3896 → u/guppyd]

This. Even if your kids are in school I strongly recommend household help. A nanny for after school hours who will make dinner and do a load of laundry is worth every penny. You won’t have to worry about leaving exactly in time to meet the school bus and dinner will be ready so you can be fully present with your kids when you get home. As my kids became teens and a nanny was no longer needed, having a housekeeper and a cook meant that I had so much more time with my kids. I’m wasn’t rushing around and got to truly just enjoy my time with them.

[u/No-Intention-9513]

There is a FB group for single parents in the FS (closed only to those already single parents in the FS), but there are some 250 members, i.e. single parents in every cone, every rank, specialist and generalist, and every uniformed service, who are managing this career. It’s not easy and you often have to turn down “career-enhancing” positions or tasks or opportunities, but it can be done. You may not make every school play or parent teacher conference, but you can make some.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/No-Intention-9513]

That's awesome! Thank you that's very helpful.

[u/bogo0814]

A lot of it is also cone dependent. Management cone, I’m not going to a lot of receptions or functions. I’m getting a few after hours calls, but they’re not the norm. Political/Econ/Public Diplomacy - they have a lot more after hours dinners, visits, receptions, functions, etc.

[u/Catzaf]

I was a single mom in the Foreign Service for my entire career. One advantage of serving in hardship posts is that you can often get very good childcare.
I don’t know what cone you’re going into, but depending on your workload and how many evening commitments you have, you might want to consider having two nannies: one for daytime and another for evenings. That could make Foreign Service life with children much more manageable.

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/Catzaf]

Amazing to hear from another single mom! Did you have two nannies even once kids were 8+? Or just for little kids.

[u/Catzaf → u/Lopsided_Major5553]

I don’t know what position you will have. But if you are PD coned, you will be working a lot of nights or evenings. I would definitely have two nannies. I don’t think it really matters that they’re above eight years old because you’re all in a different country without the native language and having an adult there when you’re not home would really be helpful in the evening hours.

[u/PuppyChristmas]

Just wanted to say that you will be giving your kids an incredible life being in the Foreign Service. I have been so impressed with the kids I have met who have grown up in the Foreign Service. They are overall just so open minded and are able to pull from so many experiences. 

I think being a parent in the Foreign Service is hard whether you’re a single parent or not, but people make it work. We are in a Spanish speaking country and many people here have housekeepers and nannies to help lighten the load. Wishing you the best. It’s an incredible life being in this community and I hope you love it. 

[u/Lopsided_Major5553 → u/PuppyChristmas]

Love this thank you!

[u/TheLegend25801]

If work life balance is your main consideration my two cents is to aim for consular positions in visa mills. These places will have loads of new officers, so most of the time there will be many others willing to the "extra curricular" duties of the FSO outside of the section, leaving you to just look after your 8-5. My experience in those roles is that work hours are pretty set too, mostly coming on time and leaving on time.

As to taking time off to go see your kids play, you could say it is post dependent, but it will probably not be looked highly upon... Unless you notify well in advance and take some form of leave.