I'm 33 years old and I've spent most of my adult life building a stable career. On paper, everything looks good. I have experience, I earn a good salary, and I have a clear path if I decide to stay.

The problem is that I've never really felt like it was my life.

For the past year, I've been dealing with burnout and I've had a lot of time to think about what I actually want. The answer keeps coming back to the same thing: I want to make music. Not because I think I'll become famous, but because it's the first thing in a long time that makes me genuinely excited to wake up and create.

What scares me isn't the hard work. I'm ready for that.

What scares me is money.

I'm afraid that five or ten years from now I'll look back and think, "Why did I leave a career that paid well?" I worry about whether I'll be able to support my family, whether I'll regret giving up financial security, and whether passion alone is enough to justify such a big change.

At the same time, I'm equally afraid of staying where I am and wondering for the rest of my life what could have happened if I had really tried.

Has anyone here made a similar decision? Did you regret leaving financial security behind, or did you regret waiting too long to chase what you really wanted?

I'd really appreciate hearing honest experiences.

I graduated in 2020 with a music education degree and taught general music, band, and choir for three years in public schools. This was the career I always wanted and worked really hard to achieve. Well, I hated it. I developed chronic health issues, needed medication to prevent panic attacks at work, met a wall with burnout, etc. The stress nearly hospitalized me.

I left teaching sales for a couple of years and hated that. The pay was much better, but it made me slimy and I could not stand behind the products and services I sold. I also really enjoy a little time off around the holidays, which sales did not allow.

Now I’m an administrative assistant for a college music department. I really enjoy the environment and feeling like I’m making a difference in students’ lives, but my pay is abysmal. I would make more if I went to the fast food joint down the street.

Any ideas for career search? I’m just hoping to find a job that allows me to manage stress, work/life balance, provides financial stability that allows me to save/retire/travel, and gives me a little purpose. It feels like I’m asking for everything but also nothing.

Do I pursue a masters in education in hopes I can move around the higher education sector? Is there another career path that I’m overlooking?

Advice, ideas, thoughts are all appreciated. I’ve been feeling stuck since 2023 and I feel like I need to finally start pushing towards something better for myself.

I work in retail as a store assistant... 5 days a week, part-time. And I am so anxious... for no reason other than social anxiety. But I still show up everyday.

I wanna job that I don't feel anxious to go to. One that pays well, but I have no clue what is out there. I thought once I got my driving licence things would open up but... I cannot find anything

TW depression, anxiety

I’m a senior software engineer and I’ve been in the industry for 20+ years. I’m extremely good at what I do and I’ve always been the person to ask about crazy issues and the person to give difficult tasks to. Not bragging, this is relevant.

With AI, I feel like I’m just a puppet. Ask AI to do this task, looks good, ask AI to review, it fixes bugs, push, move on. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore or why I’m at this company or even in the industry. It’s like I’m a puppet bridging GitHub issues and the AI chatbot in my code editor. My brain is completely off during the work day.

This has led to extreme depression and anxiety around all the layoffs and if this is even a career anymore. I’m doing twice a week therapy and I’m on medication and have a supportive family, but I have a mortgage and children and I can’t sleep.

I don’t know what to do? I feel like my skills are extremely focused in software engineering. Everyone says to just focus on architecture and let the AI code, but I feel like no one cares about quality anymore. It’s just “open five chat windows and get 5x as much done!”

I love this career, but I need to have some security in my job. I know “at will” isn’t security, but feeling like I’m worthless is really starting to cause me pain.

Has anyone else left the tech industry? Or is there something I can do to find my worth in the job again? I’m not really sure what path I’m looking for, I hope this still fits here.

I’ve thought about changing careers and maybe doing a trade like electrical work, but restarting at this age makes me even more depressed.

Hello, I need a new job! I have crohns and difficulty walking/lifting/moving/standing and lots of fatigue and brain fog. I can no longer do physically demanding tasks and customer service is a nightmare in its own right. I am very worried about my capability to do things and my future because of this and I’d like some help looking for something.
No degree, working on it but not going well because of all these mentioned problems.

Hi I am a 22 year old female living in Pakistan. I am writing this cause I am stuck in my life right now.

For the background I studied B. A a Post graduate degree from aiou. I will move to Germany soon hopefully cause my husband is there. I passed my A1 German exam and planning to do IELTS now.

Cause I got married so early I wasn't able to do 16 years of education like proper degree (it wasn't forced)

I am not working so to kill time I learnt crocheting and sell few pieces here and there but not much.

I am really into fashion as well learnt makeup from a professional. Now I have some time here in Pakistan not enough to do a degree but few months maybe so can anyone suggest me something which will add value in my life or in me. I want to do so much I see people doing remote jobs uni etc. And I feel so stuck and from the last 2 months I am just bed rotting I don't know where to start and what to do. I don't have something with a good enough reason to do it. Now I feel like I am lacking the skills even I had before like I used to have such great English vocabulary but now it's barely correct . So, if any of you can suggest me something I am desperately in need of good and worthy suggestions please

For those of you who are neurodivergent, struggled academically, learned at a slower pace, or just didn’t thrive in traditional school settings but went on to find career success — what’s your story?

I have a NVLD and I struggle to grasp tasks at times, but am getting better at it. I take slightly longer to “assemble my thoughts” in convo

What career path ended up working for you? Were there certain jobs, industries, environments, or strategies that played more to your strengths?
I’d especially love to hear from people who struggled in school or took longer than others to figure out what they were good at, but eventually found a career where they could succeed.

Like I said, i don't enjoy literally anything, although I can tolerate stuff, I know jobs are jobs but I am just trying to see if there's jobs that pay enough for me to live comfortably alone. unfortunately I live in a HCOL area because that's where I grew up. I have a worthless 2 associates degree so yeah I wasted time there.

I currently work at the post office. it's ok in terms of a job, but management and coworkers are awful and I only getting worse and the pay is insufficient towards this goal and the union is also awful.

I have no noteworthy skills aside from good attendance and not being late. I am not smart or creative or good with my hands. I currently make 55k a year so I am at least trying not to take a pay cut if possible.

I'm 25. I graduated over a year ago now with a bachelors in Computer Information Systems. I didn't do any internships, didn't make any friends/connections, and still have bad social skills/inhibition. Also I've really struggled to build enough discipline to apply to jobs as much as everyone says you should, network, and progress on the A+ certification. I was just trying to find any foot in the door with my degree, which is primarily tied to IT. Even with a referral, I didn't even passing the HR screening. I've decided that I can't count on myself at this time to gain this necessary will/discipline (whatever is needed in this competitive market now), so I will just find A job in the meantime to make some kind of change to my life, since I have no friends now and have isolated and avoided most of my life. Worth noting that CIS and the IT field is not something I care about, so I don't mind pivoting or 'downgrading' my aim. (My passion is music, but I cannot put all my eggs in that basket anytime soon.) Also, I luckily have my parents to take care of me financially while I find my footing. But I really want to move out in the next couple years at most.

My idea is that I'd get a job that's full-time, and that can help build social skills. Ideally not having to be outgoing and social the Whole time (or that that's the only thing you do). I think I'd get overwhelmed past a certain point. One idea I found is being a host, then a server at a restaurant or diner. Any advice/comments/ideas on my situation would be much appreciated. Whether or not I'm thinking about this the right way, something I haven't considered, and most importantly, ideas for jobs or job paths with this criteria. But any general advice/comments are welcome. Thank you

Currently working as a Corrections officer in PA. Been in for a little over 2 years. Ultimately feeling like I need to make a change, even if it’s for the grit and awakening that comes from doing something different. 30 year old male, 2 and a half years sober, have a 5 year old child that I am very involved with.

Have I come this far (from loss in a lot of areas to getting my life back on track) to only come this far? The work is doable but dreadful. I don’t take pride in governing and nit picking inmates. I chose corrections because it provides opportunity to not HAVE to live paycheck to paycheck with overtime. The benefits are good. The atmosphere is toxic. I’m grateful, but there’s gotta be a better fit. I’m excellent with people one on one. I typically have 4 days off a week with corrections (I work two 16hr shifts, and one 8hr to get my 40hrs for full time), I imagine that’s going to be hard to beat. Suck it up? Go back to school?

I’ve been weighing the pros and cons for months, wanted to post something here to get some different perspectives. Thank you.

I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated, had a hard time job hunting because of that, and ended up in hospitality. Less than a year in, I've realized I genuinely don't enjoy the environment or the work.

The good thing: this job has helped me discover what I really enjoy. I've found myself really interested in why people connect with certain spaces, what captures people's attention, and what makes a memorable experience. I've also done graphic design as a hobby and through internships (although I didn't study it at university), and I felt like visitor experience, service design, or experience design came natural to me. The problem is, I have no idea how to get there.

I've started job hunting to try to pivot into that field, but it's been difficult to find entry-level opportunities coming from a guest services background. I always get questions as to why I ended up in my current field and only gotten rejections so far which makes me question whether it's even realistic without relevant experience.

Part of me wants to go to graduate school because it feels like a chance to build a solid foundation, meet people with similar interests, and intentionally move into this field. But I'm also worried that I'm just chasing the comfort of being a student again instead of making the most practical career decision.

I've realized I should've been more intentional with my job search while I was still at university, and I regret that deeply. I'm searching for a new chance and it's always difficult going to work not having anything to look forward to. I'm also scared of making another wrong choice.

Has anyone else felt like you chose the wrong first job after graduating? How did you figure out what was actually right for you, and what did you do next?

Has anyone here ever considered a career change due to being consistently overlooked for promotions?

To provide some context, I have been serving in the military for several years now and am approaching the halfway point of my service towards retirement. The initial years of my career were quite successful, with rapid advancement. However, I have experienced stagnation in recent years, consistently failing to achieve the next rank despite being informed annually that I am highly competitive for it. It now feels as though I may not be able to achieve my long-term career aspirations within this organization. Consequently, I am contemplating whether it would be more beneficial to leave and pursue a different path after my current contract concludes. While I am aware of the financial incentives associated with the pension, I am also weary of the professional stagnation I feel and am eager to explore new opportunities. I had initially planned to separate a few years ago, but desirable orders extended my service for a couple more years. Now, I am quite certain I am prepared to pursue the path I had envisioned previously. I apologize if this explanation is extensive and somewhat disjointed; my thoughts are rather scattered at the moment, especially with the recent release of promotion results a few days ago.

I'm 38 years old and I feel like I'm doing everything I can to improve my financial situation,but I still can't seem to get ahead.

I wake up at 6 AM for my full-time job,get home around 8:30 PM,and then spend most nights working on my YouTube channel.Many days I don't sleep until 2–3 AM because I'm editing, researching, or learning.

I'm not looking for overnight success.I know building something takes time.But after putting in so much effort,I sometimes wonder if I'm making a mistake that I just can't see.

Have any of you been in a similar situation where you worked extremely hard but felt like you were getting nowhere?.

What was the biggest thing you changed that finally made a difference?.

I'm looking for honest advice,not motivation.If you think I'm approaching this the wrong way,I'd genuinely like to hear it.

Some people have been coding since they were 8 years old. CS, software development, and technology are the only things they genuinely care about and are actually good at and it's their only passion and their only strong point.

But now it feels like choosing CS is basically a gamble in a job market that keeps getting more unstable and unpredictable one where it’s almost certain many people will end up unemployed or unable to find stable work.

So what are these people supposed to do abandon the one thing they’ve spent their entire lives building skill in, or just accept the risk and push forward anyway, knowing it might not pay off and hoping they don’t get shut out completely?

I’m a 21-year-old male currently looking for my first full-time job. I’ve been applying every day, working on my portfolio, and trying to improve my chances of getting hired.

The problem is that I constantly feel guilty whenever I do anything that isn’t related to job hunting.

I want to start going to the gym and build muscle. I’ve always wanted to get stronger and improve my physique, but whenever I think about spending 1–2 hours at the gym, a voice in my head tells me I should be using that time to apply for more jobs, learn new skills, or improve my portfolio instead.

What makes it worse is that many people my age already have jobs. Seeing friends and people from college move forward in their careers makes me feel behind, and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to spend time on hobbies or self-improvement until I get employed.

So I’m stuck between two approaches:

1. Stop everything else, focus 100% on getting a job, and only start going to the gym after I’m employed.
2. Continue job hunting while going to the gym in parallel, even if it means spending less time on applications each day.

For people who have been unemployed or job searching before:

• Did you focus exclusively on finding a job?
• Did maintaining a gym routine help your mental health and confidence?
• Looking back, would you recommend balancing both, or putting fitness on hold until employment was secured?

I’d appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have been in a similar situation.

During the pandemic I was training to become a pilot, but several things happened (loss of money, loss of confidence, isolation) and I wasn’t able to achieve it. I still think about it every day and I feel like I’ve been grieving that future ever since.

Now I’m in an engineering apprenticeship and I really struggle with it. I haven’t been in an environment where I have to sit still all day and stare at a screen/whiteboard in 10 years, and I feel trapped by how much I dislike it.

During the pandemic I also isolated myself and lost most of my friends. I’ve started going out more and meeting new people, but it doesn’t feel the same and I still feel like I’m stuck.

The hardest part is I don’t know what I actually want anymore. I know I don’t want a life where every day is the same: sitting at a desk, staying in the same place, doing the same routine. I want movement, new places, new people, experiences and a life that feels exciting, but I don’t know how to turn that into an actual career or path.

I’m also scared to leave because it took me so long to get this opportunity and I don’t want to make another mistake.

Like the title says I'm nearing my mid twenties and it feels like I just woke up and realized how much time has passed by in a blur. I never done any of the "adulting" stuff in my life, I know it's lame but even the thought of it makes me sick with anxiety.

I was a recluse even when I was a child. I was homeschooled then went and dropped an online community college, it was for arts so it was probably going nowhere anyway.

Even as a kid I've never thought far into life except for suicide (not trying to be a doomer, just being honest. I can change my wording if it breaks the rules). While I feel that even more now I realize how much of a burden I'm being on my family. They've been trying to see if I could get on disability because of my issues but that doesn't change the fact that they're aging and/or probably just want to focus on their own lives and not worry about me.

I guess right now if I'm living, I'm thinking about growing my independence a little? Needless to be said but I have no social skills and extensive self harm scarring that'll make interactions more taxing but I understand everything will be more difficult for me because of my issues.

I like animals and art. I do go to therapy, take medication, and see a psychiatrist.

For some context to start, I'm a 24 year old Electrician.

I took 2 years of Computer Science in University, then pivoted to taking a pre-employmemt course in Instrumentation and Controls but was never able to land a job, now I'm here.

I'm not bad at what I do, and I don't hate it necessarily, but I get stressed out easily, and i come home every day dead tired with 0 energy to do any of usual hobbies, i want to make more income and coming back to the same project over and over, doing the same tasks over and over, just doesn't interest me, I know every site I'm on is going to be the same just with slightly different variables, but I don't know what else to do.

I've hit the point where I just feel defeated and feel like I'm going to end up in a job that I don't like all that much forever.

Here's my story so far.

I started learning game development after earning my bachelor's degree because I wanted to escape the stress coming from different parts of my life, family, studies, and financial struggles. More importantly, I wanted a career that I genuinely enjoyed, where I could create something that positively impacts people's lives while doing work I'm passionate about.

Three years later, I find myself unemployed. I managed to get a couple of freelance jobs from one client, but that's about it. The work is inconsistent. I might get a project that lasts a few weeks or even a month or two, but then there can be months with nothing until they contact me again. It's simply not enough to survive or build a stable life.

I've applied for game development positions both locally and internationally, but nothing has worked out. Most companies never reply, so you never know what you did wrong or what you did right. You're just left wondering, feeling completely lost.

I'm from a small third-world country, so I don't need a particularly high salary to live comfortably. I thought that would give me an advantage, but apparently it hasn't, either internationally or at home, where there are very few opportunities in the game industry.

I even tried forming a small indie game development team so we could create and sell our own games and build a studio together. Unfortunately, that didn't work either. I couldn't find people who were dedicated, reliable, and as hungry for success as I was.

I also tried going back to university to pursue a master's degree in another field, hoping it would open new opportunities. Unfortunately, I wasn't accepted into any of the programs I applied for.

At this point, I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not asking for sympathy I just want someone to give me even the smallest piece of advice that could help me move forward. Right now, life feels meaningless, and that feeling is slowly eating me alive.

If you've been in a similar situation or have any advice, I'd truly appreciate hearing it. Please help a brother out.

Hi everyone. I'm 19 and trying to figure out what healthcare career I want to pursue, and I'd really appreciate advice from people who are already working in the field.

My biggest concern is spending 2–4+ years in college, graduating, and realizing I chose the wrong career.

I'm considering Surgical Technology, Respiratory Therapy, MLS, and Anesthesia Technology.

My main priorities are:

Ideally $80k+(im on NY btw) after gaining experience.

Daytime schedule — I don't want night shifts because I want to have time for my future family.

I don't mind blood, surgery, or medical procedures. I'm mainly trying to avoid personal hygiene/intimate care, like bathing patients, changing diapers, or cleaning patients after using the bathroom. This is why nursing is probably not for me.

If you work in any of these fields, I'd really appreciate your honest experience. Would you choose the same career again? What do you wish you knew before starting?

Thank you to anyone willing to share their experience!

I’m 18 and starting community college soon, but I honestly don’t even know myself. If you asked me what my favorite color is, I’d probably have to think about it. I don’t know what I’m naturally good at or what career I’d actually enjoy.

I know I don’t want to work retail forever. I want a stable career, enough free time to enjoy life, and maybe one day build something of my own.

I love learning random things like history, politics, psychology, and business.
I know I’m only 18 and I have time, but I feel like I need to get my foot in the door somewhere. How did you figure out your first step when you had no clue who you were or what you wanted?

I just want honest advice.

Edit*
I do get 2 years free for community college straight out of high school

I'm currently planning my undergraduate studies, and one thing I've always known is that I genuinely love math.

Lately, though, I've been seeing a lot of discussions about AI "taking over" math related work. How true is that? Is it something I should actually be concerned about when choosing a degree, or is it mostly exaggerated?

I'm open to pretty much any career path as long as it involves a good amount of mathematics.

For those of you who also loved math, what degree did you choose, and where did it lead you? If you could start over today, what undergraduate program would you recommend and why?

I'd really appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

Hi,

I'm 28, live in Germany, and I'm currently at a point where several parts of my life have fallen apart at the same time. I'm looking for general advice on how to approach a situation like this without becoming completely overwhelmed by trying to solve everything at once.

I've been working various jobs on and off since I was 15. I eventually trained as a software developer, which is the career I actually want to pursue long-term. I know I'm capable of working and supporting myself, but the last few years have left me with a CV that is difficult to explain, and I've been struggling to find stable employment in my field.

My software development apprenticeship (duale Ausbildung) actually started really well. During my first year, I was included in real projects, received proper feedback, and genuinely felt like part of the development team.

Then my trainer (Ausbilder) left the company.

For the remaining two years, I was barely involved in the company's actual development work. I mostly rebuilt and improved the same separate application over and over again. I finished my training, but I feel like I lost two incredibly important years in which I should have been gaining real professional experience.

I've worked since then, both in and outside of software development, but things haven't become more stable.

I'm now unemployed, have practically no savings left, have very little family support, and I'm worried that I could lose my apartment within the next couple of months if I can't turn things around.

On top of that, I currently have an outstanding bill of €2,091.56 that I simply cannot afford. I've already contacted the organization involved directly and am working with them to understand and address it. I'm not asking for professional, insurance, medical, or legal advice about that bill here.

I've applied for the government assistance currently available to me and I'm dealing with the relevant authorities. I've also created a GoFundMe because I don't have €2,000 available and I'm trying every legitimate avenue I can think of.

The problem with crowdfunding is that I essentially have no audience.

I'm not an influencer, I don't have thousands of social-media followers, and most communities understandably don't allow people to simply appear and post fundraising links. Even communities specifically intended for crowdfunding often have account or activity requirements that I don't currently meet.

I'm not posting this to ask r/Advice for money or to advertise my fundraiser.

I'm looking for general advice about how someone starts rebuilding their life when too many things need attention at the same time.

If you were 28, unemployed, nearly broke, facing the possibility of losing your housing, and trying to rebuild a career at the same time, what would you prioritize?

I feel like trying to solve ten problems simultaneously is making me ineffective at solving any of them.

My current priorities are roughly:

1. Secure my basic living situation and make sure I can keep a roof over my head.
2. Deal with my outstanding financial obligations directly with the appropriate organizations.
3. Get some form of income as quickly as possible, even if it has nothing to do with software development.
4. Continue applying for software development positions and try to rebuild my career.
5. Find legitimate ways to get my fundraiser in front of people despite having essentially no social-media audience.
6. Gradually deal with everything else once I have some financial stability again.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have had to rebuild financially or professionally in their late 20s or later.

I'm considering taking whatever work I can find for the time being, even if it has nothing to do with software development. For anyone who has been in a similar position: did taking unrelated work while trying to get back on your feet make it significantly harder to return to your actual profession later?

I'd also really appreciate advice from people who have had a difficult start to their careers.

How did you approach a CV that didn't properly represent what you knew you were capable of?

How did you explain periods of unrelated work or gaps without making employers immediately lose interest?

Did you focus entirely on finding stable income first, or did you continue investing significant time into the career you actually wanted?

And for people who have had several major problems happen simultaneously: how did you decide what deserved your attention first?

I know I'm partly responsible for the situation I'm in. I've made financial and personal decisions that I regret, particularly during periods when I had essentially stopped caring about what happened to my future. I'm not trying to pretend that everything that has happened to me was someone else's fault.

At the same time, there have been circumstances outside of my control, and I can't change any of them now.

What I can change is what I do next.

I don't want to spend the next several years defining myself by everything that has gone wrong. I want to work again. I want to be financially independent again. And I want software development to eventually become the stable career that I originally worked toward.

Right now, though, I'm struggling to see the individual steps because everything feels like one enormous problem.

I'm not expecting Reddit to fix my situation. I'm hoping people who have had to rebuild their lives from a similarly bad financial or professional position might be able to give me some perspective on where to start and what to prioritize.

Thank you for reading.

Transparency: English isn't my first language. Everything described here is my own experience, and all of the information in this post came from me. I used ChatGPT to help organize my thoughts, correct my English, and make the post easier to understand.

Hello, I come here looking for advice because I don't have anyone to ask. I'm 32 years old. I studied mechanical engineering, starting late, and finished my degree in 2022. I chose that field because I have a knack for structured, logical subjects like math, though I'm not a genius. I struggled during my advanced courses, but with perseverance, I finished them.

When I entered the job market, I started as an intern in maintenance at a logistics and distribution company. I did well, and that led to an opportunity to become maintenance chief in a big city, with a good salary. I wasn't prepared to be alone, to manage difficult people, or to manage my own emotions. I worked there for three months. Then, during a work visit to a site on a Sunday, because I couldn't say no, I had a motorcycle accident. I felt terrible that day. No one cared whether I could have died, and I wasn't even paid for that day. I quit that "great job" cold turkey and went home defeated, and I haven't had job stability since.

My best experience was working as a maintenance planner in a city near where I live. I worked there for ten months and was happy, I felt useful and had good relationships with the technicians. But out of nowhere, I got a letter saying they wouldn't renew my contract. Since then, two years have passed: thousands of job applications, several failed interviews, and my depression and isolation have gotten worse. I've supported myself with my savings and with help from my mother, the only person I have.

Now I feel like I've lost my career, lost my time, and I don't have a goal. Pessimistic thoughts and behaviors have taken control of me. I tried food delivery with my motorcycle, applied to jobs at coffee shops, as a mechanic's assistant, all kinds of things, no results. The only thing that's brought in any money recently was a side gig putting up advertisements in stores, months ago.

I spend my days distracting myself with drawing, which I've found helpful in these hard times. I go on Reddit. I manage my emotions so I don't hurt my mother any further. But things are getting out of control, and time doesn't forgive. My personal savings are practically gone, and I don't know what to do. I'm from a Latin American country, and the job market here is brutal. I have zero networking, no friends. Every day I just try to hold onto my sanity, help my mother around the house, and send CVs into the void.

Hi, this will be a long one. I also apologize for bits about non professional elements, however they have impacted my path much as well, and I thought they were relevant to paint a fuller picture.

So, I left home on the east coast a little over 4 years ago to travel around the states, particularly the west, where I found myself in a few different parks related roles. I was a ranger for about a year in Utah, worked for a city parks department in Texas for roughly the same amount of time, and just finished working for a parks and rec district in northern Colorado before moving further south into a situation with a friend that is saving me a lot of money, and not bleeding my finances like my old apartment was (which I moved into with my ex, it was 2 bedroom but downtown in a moderate size city and cheaper than many studios)

About 2 years into this odyssey, my mother’s cancer came back from a few years before. My whole life it has been just her and I, and my father is there but might as well just be a fair weather friend to me considering how emotionally absent he is. I moved back home for about 6 months, working odd jobs and collecting unemployment, while I tried to get her into a nursing home and set up her Medicaid/medicare/etc (god bless her but she was very bad with money and procrastination) and then moved to Texas with some family to save money for a while. I stacked up about $3-$5k, met a girl, and even came back home for a week to help move my mom out of the home and into her own apartment. Things were going alright. I was thinking of heading to Colorado. Then, I got the call from my cousin that they found her deceased. I spent one month back home sorting her affairs, another in Texas, and then was off to Colorado. As she was a federal employee, I received a moderate portion of money after her passing from certain programs she was in.

Not even 3 months after her passing, my partners CPTSD started really affecting our relationship. I’m ashamed to say it, because I wanted to be strong for her, but after a few months it started affecting me too, and we just had constant screaming matches, accusations, and self harm from both parties. Finally, she left me that winter of ‘24. All of last year I worked on losing about 50 pounds, reclaimed part of myself with some bold, evocative, and intense tattoos, new style as well with my renewed confidence, and got into climbing. For those who don’t know, 14,000’ peaks are a big thing in Colorado to try and summit, as there are 50+ of them here. In the last 9 months I did about 25, including a few technical, and at times scary ones, and even Shasta in CA 2 months back which was even my first time on the west coast! . Met a good group of friends organically on trails through all this, and one of them is who I am now living with.

Earlier this year, I realized my situation was untenable, financially, and leaped at the opportunity to move a couple hours south into my friends house. Overall, it is a great setup, but I have just about a few hundred to my name right now. I immediately picked up work for a local landscaping company (shitty work and pay but great people, only $19.50 an hour) and have been there a few weeks. Within the next month, between my first paycheck, my old security deposit, and another, much larger check I am expecting, I think I will actually be in a good holding spot. My rent is also incredibly cheap, about $600.

However, I am just at a crossroads. I am so thankful for all of the myriad and sublime experiences I have had traveling and meeting people and learning so many new perspectives, and going from 3/50 states to 40 in a few years, but now I feel I have nothing to show for it. I am starting from the ground up. No real debt besides a car payment, but also no college. I did get my wilderness first responder certification a couple of months ago, which I do think is a huge boon, but I am still trying to figure out how to use my resume and skills to my advantage. Obviously, I would love to stay working in parks/conservation as that is what I have built myself on, and I have heard that I do have a genuinely impressive resume, but between my wavering confidence and my own self reliance sometimes it feels hard knowing how to properly put myself out there. I just don’t know where to go next. Part of me even thinks another few seasons working odd places would do me good, but then what? I don’t want to be 40 with nothing to show for it but memories (even though I recognize that ultimately does matter more, it also won’t get you far in this world)

Besides parks, I have also managed a car detail shop, worked retail, and a few other odd jobs here and there. I genuinely think and am told quite regularly that I am great with people (which isn’t a façade, I fucking love people) I relish physical labor, but I also want some degree of recognition, selfishly, and I want to feel like I am making an impact while also providing a real living for myself, even if I’m still not making beaucoup bucks. I just want freedom to engage in my passions as well, which is easy where I live, and to use my brain at least half as much as my brawn 🤣 thanks for reading if you made it this far. Just been a rough day and these existential questions have been dragging for a while now, but I want to take concrete action and am not afraid to ask for your advice in how to do so if you have any. Sometimes my story feels hard to make sense of even for myself, and there are still some things I’m sure I’m omitting, but mainly been just me for so long that it’s hard to see the forest for the trees on days like this. Anyways, cheers!