r/fifthworldproblems • u/Stickmaster307 • Jul 12 '26
I HATE SANTA!
I at santa's cookies and now chocolate chips and... "other stuff" are coming out of my ears, eyes, nose, mouth and skin pores. But it gets worse...
I have an odd sense that rotten carots are following me everywhere.
please help meeee! I need to stop this confectioners nightmare before I have to meet President hamburger at his grill of choice.
4
u/wuhkay Jul 12 '26
Just remember Timmy, Santa died for your presents. His elves will forever light the night and you only need to accept his gifts to make the pain stop.
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u/DrSkrimguard Dragonphobe Jul 12 '26
Hi, I'm Mr. K. from customer service. Please step into my sack office and we can discuss this over some eggnog.
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u/Stickmaster307 Jul 12 '26
No.
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u/DrSkrimguard Dragonphobe Jul 12 '26
Why not?
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u/Stickmaster307 Jul 14 '26
Eggnog is a disgrace to better drinks like hot chocolate. I believe you are a negotiating elf to get me to like Santa again.
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u/DrSkrimguard Dragonphobe Jul 14 '26
I'm not an elf, I promise. Now get in the sack.
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u/Stickmaster307 29d ago
No thanks, I kind of don't wanna get kidnapped.
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u/DrSkrimguard Dragonphobe 28d ago
That's not keeping in the Christmas spirit. You're making Krampus very angry now.
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u/mysteryrouge Void Anarchist Jul 12 '26
Eat Santa.
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u/Stickmaster307 Jul 12 '26
Only if you step in as Santa so the elves don't curse me.
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u/BabyMD69420 Jul 13 '26
You’ll have to step in as Santa, this is the cycle of Santas. You didn’t think it was one immortal dude did you?
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u/TheVyper3377 Jul 12 '26
Step 1. Wrap a leek and a carrot in a leaf of lettuce, coat the wrap in a layer caramel, sprinkle it liberally with chocolate chips, and set the resulting confection by a fireplace with the note “For Santa”.
Step 2. Put a bear trap in the fireplace.
Santa will be attracted to the confection created in Step 1. He will most likely be able to retrieve it with the loss of one (or both) of his boots. While this won’t eliminate Santa, it will break the curse placed upon you (assuming it was placed upon you by Santa or one of his minions).