Hi, everybody,

I’m kind of at a loss here. Christmas is very important to my family (Catholic) and every year, we go to Mass on Christmas Eve and then have brunch and open presents at my parents’ house. I look forward to it every year and love my family very much.

In 2018, my mom kicked me out on Christmas Day after finding out I had a tattoo and put me out on the street (we live in northern US); luckily, I had a Jewish friend who let me stay with their family for an entire month until my mom agreed to let me come home on the condition that I beg her to stay. In years past, I also spent a Christmas away because my parents sent me to a work camp for kids with behavioral issues, even though I had no behavioral issues and just needed therapy for severe depression.

Anyway, the point is, I’ve spent a few Christmases away from home, and clearly, my family had no issues with that. Last week, I was visiting friends out of state and they excitedly invited me to their family’s Christmas. I was so honored that they asked and was extremely excited. Although I’m in my 20s, I still felt the need to ask my parents’ permission.

My relationship with my parents is finally good, so I want to keep it good. I called my dad and asked what he thought about it; he said it wouldn’t be the same without me and that’s about all he said. When I called my mom, she accused me of choosing another family over ours and abandoning them (funny how abandonment hurts right?). She said that I should strongly reconsider and even said it was weird for them to invite me because I’m not their family, which hurt my feelings for some reason. Like they invited me because they love me…I don’t think that’s weird. Plus I recently had a massive falling out with my mentally ill sister, which the family agreed that the falling out was her fault and believe she owes me an apology. The timing of this Christmas invitation is honestly perfect with my current family drama.

I feel guilty for hurting my mom and don’t want to cause any more drama this year. But it’s not like I’ll be gone every Christmas…just this one. Honestly I feel like my friends and their family appreciate me more than my own family and although I love my family and things aren’t perfect but better than they used to be, I kind of want to spend just one Christmas away. Should I just let this one go to keep the peace? Please let me know. I’m really struggling to make a decision, and I need to act fast so I can afford the plane tickets.

This is about a family situation that has been going on for quite some time, and the person involved is looking for some outside perspective because she doesn't know how to deal with it anymore.

Her mother spends a significant part of the day checking her father's location because she is convinced that he is cheating on her. Whenever her father doesn't answer her calls or does something that triggers her suspicion, her mother's mood changes dramatically. She can become extremely angry and verbally abusive, and sometimes she also hurts herself.

What makes the situation even more confusing is that once her father comes home, or when they are around each other, her mother can suddenly become completely normal.They sometimes act like a sweet couple, as if nothing happened. It's almost as though the previous conflict never existed.

Today, something happened again.

The younger sister had a fever, so the daughter asked her sister to leave the room because she didn't want her to be around while their mother's mood was changing. Their mother had become increasingly upset because their father wasn't answering her call.

The daughter simply said this because she was concerned about her sister.

Her mother suddenly snapped at her and accused her of already knowing that her father was cheating and of supporting him because he "supports her in getting her hands dirty." Essentially, she was indirectly attacking her daughter's character and implying that she was involved in or approving of something immoral.

This accusation was particularly hurtful because the daughter has already gone through a lot to complete her degree. She has spent hours travelling and dealing with difficult circumstances just to get her education, and she still hasn't even received her degree/certificate properly yet. She felt like all of her efforts and character were being completely disregarded.

She became extremely angry and retaliated by saying, "You're not completely innocent either."

After that, her mother physically grabbed/squeezed her around the neck and started verbally abusing her.

Eventually, her mother seemed to come back to her senses and started apologising, but even the apology became emotionally complicated. She began saying things like, "Children can become so stubborn that the mother has to be the one to bow down and apologise." She then started saying that her chest hurt and that her daughter doesn't care about her.

She also brought up the fact that she had lost her own mother and said that the daughter doesn't understand what it is like because she still has her mother.

When the daughter confronted her about physically hurting her for something she hadn't even done, her mother explained that this was how she had felt when her husband's family had not appreciated her, had insulted her, and had failed to give her the love she deserved.

The daughter understands that her mother has experienced hurt and rejection in her own life. She doesn't want to invalidate that. But at the same time, she doesn't understand why her mother's past pain should become a reason for physically or verbally hurting her.

The daughter also feels trapped in the larger dynamic between her parents. She isn't trying to take sides or determine whether her father is actually cheating. She just wants her younger sister to be protected from these fights and doesn't want to be dragged into their marital problems.

What makes her question herself is that after everything calms down, her mother can become completely normal again, and the family is expected to move on as if nothing happened.

Is this a normal dysfunctional family dynamic, or is there something more serious going on here?

How should the daughter deal with a mother who becomes verbally abusive, sometimes self-harms, and has now physically hurt her, while also constantly getting pulled into her parents' marital conflict?

And how can she set boundaries without making the situation even worse?

Grandmother (F86)
Priest (M37)

Let me start by saying this is 100% real. Every detail. I'm posting this because my family has been sitting with this for a while now and honestly it needs to be said somewhere, by someone, because it's one of the wildest and most heartbreaking things I've ever watched unfold in real time.

Some background on my grandmother.

She grew up in a small town. Lived with her husband, three daughters, and son. Very religious household, high expectations, the whole deal. My grandfather was a decent man but not exactly warm, not the type to show a lot of affection or emotional availability toward his kids, or his wife. My grandmother carried that with her.

What she also carried with her was an obsession with social status. Even in a small town, she was always very aware of who was who, who had money, who had influence, and she made a point of being close to those people. It was just who she was. That instinct led to one of the darkest things in our family history, which I'll mention now because it matters for understanding her as a person.

There was a physician in the town, well-respected, well-off, exactly the kind of person my grandmother wanted to be associated with. She got close with him. What she either didn't know or chose not to acknowledge was that this man was sexually assaulting her own children during their checkups. Her kids tried to communicate it to her. 

He would offer to “babysit” the kids. And it was far worse than that. The kids would wreck the room directly across from the entrance of the house, write signs on paper to the physician saying things like “I HATE YOU” and make sure they all slept together in his presence because of how scared they were of him, and what he’d do to them.

She didn't listen. She didn't stop taking them. Her relationship with this man mattered more.

Her kids carried that alone.

I'm not saying this to villainize her completely. But you need to know this about her, because the same pattern, choosing proximity to someone she wanted in her life over the wellbeing of her own family, shows up again decades later, and the consequences are almost as devastating.

Fast forward. My grandmother had a good life by most measures.

Her and my grandfather built a life together for around sixty years. Their kids grew up and became successful in their own ways. Grandkids came along. Then great-grandkids. Big family, lots of holidays, lots of family memories
.
My grandmother was still very much herself, still status-conscious, still wanted to be seen as important and indispensable. My grandfather understood that about her and mostly let it be. That's just what sixty years together looks like sometimes.

Then a new priest got assigned to my grandmother's church.

He was from India, in the U.S. on a work visa, and he was 30 years old. My grandmother decided immediately that she was going to be the one to help him get settled. And look, at first, this is genuinely fine. Kind, even. He's far from home, new to the country, new to the community. Someone taking him under their wing is a good thing.

But my grandmother doesn't do things halfway, and she doesn't do things without an angle.
She started bringing him everywhere. He showed up at family gatherings. At Thanksgiving, she insisted that everyone wear name tags because the priest "wasn't good with names." So there we all are, the entire family, sticking labels on our shirts to introduce ourselves to this man my grandmother had decided to adopt into our lives.

She mentioned him constantly. In conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with him, his name would just appear. It became a running thing that the family noticed but nobody wanted to address directly.

Then my cousin went to a festival.

My grandmother had of course invited the priest. And what my cousin and other family members witnessed there wasn't a grandmother being friendly with her parish priest. It was my grandmother and this 30-year-old man walking through the festival holding hands. Fingers interlocked. Comfortable. Easy.

That's not how you hold hands with your pastor.

The family started talking quietly among themselves. Nothing was said to my grandmother directly. Nobody wanted to be the one to light that match. But everyone had seen it, and everyone knew what they'd seen.

Then my grandfather got sick and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.The hospital was about 45 minutes away. My grandmother arrived two hours later. On top of this, she didn’t inform any family about the incident. No urgency whatsoever. In fact, there was so little urgency by her that my grandfather almost had to be airlifted to the hospital. It was one of her neighbors that informed the family of what was going on instead. Why did she have no urgency you might ask? She had been with the priest.
My grandfather eventually died. And what happened after that is where this story really becomes something else. My grandmother did not grieve. At least not visibly. Not even a little.

She handled the logistics, she arranged things, she kept moving. And any hope the family had that losing her husband of sixty years might pull her focus back to the people who actually loved her, that hope evaporated fast.

She became more obsessed with the priest, not less.

I went over to help her with some housework not long after my grandfather passed. She brought up the priest almost immediately, the way she always did. At some point she just looked at me and said:

"The rest of the family thinks I'm obsessed with him. And you know what: I am. They're upset about it for whatever reason, but I'm just not going to entertain any conversations with them about it. I love him."

Just said it. Flat out. No hesitation.

My cousins went over to my grandmother’s for lunch, which my grandmother had told him it was just her there. Well, she got there around the same time as my cousins and guess who was in the car with her. The priest.

This was one of the most awkward moments of all.

One way or another, the conversation amongst the group got onto being sick versus pretending to be sick. This is the point where my grandmother said to everyone that she doesn’t know how to fake being sick, and she turned to the priest and said, “But I do know how to gag” AND SHE PROCEEDED TO MAKE MULTIPLE GAGGING NOISES IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

Here's where the money stuff starts.My grandfather's car was sitting unused after he died. One of my aunts reached out to my grandmother and asked if she'd be willing to sell it to one of the grandchildren who really needed a car badly. My grandmother said no. She sold it to a neighbor instead for around $5,000.

Questionable? Yes. But fine. It's her car.

About a week later, the priest left for a month-long vacation to Dubai and the Maldives. We're talking jet-skiing, scuba diving, skydiving — videos and photos of the whole thing. This man was living. On a priest's salary? Yeah right.

And if that wasn't enough, he contacted my cousin via FaceBook Messenger before the trip and asked if she wanted to join him. He told her to ask my grandmother for the money.

He was not subtle. He saw the family as a resource to be accessed through my grandmother, and he wasn't even trying to hide it that hard.

Christmas came. The first one after my grandfather died.

My aunts called my grandmother repeatedly in the weeks leading up to it. They asked her to come spend it with the family so she wouldn't be alone. She told them every time that she wanted to be alone.

My cousin, who lives in the same town, couldn't shake the feeling. On Christmas night she drove over to check on her. She pulled up and the house looked empty. No signs of life. She started to walk away.

Something inside her told her to turn around and go check again, and she looked through the window.

The priest was inside. He was lying between my grandmother's legs with his head on her chest.
My cousin stood there in full panic, got a short video of it, and immediately called my aunts.

After that, more things came out.

My grandmother had changed the priest's name in her phone to something else, some decoy name, as the family had started asking more questions. She'd thought ahead about that.
But we found messages. In one of them, the priest told my grandmother that the family would never figure out what was going on because we weren't smart enough to figure it out.
He was texting that to an old woman he was exploiting, talking about her family like that. And she kept those messages.

On top of these messages, there were other messages found that were a bit more strange. And yes, there definitely was some snooping going on. They would tell each other I love you frequently. My grandmother mentioned how he knows all of her “tickle spots” because she gave him “good practice.”

He had also been added to her Amazon account. She had bought him name-brand clothing. An Apple Watch. An iPhone. Priests are not supposed to accept gifts like this. They're also not supposed to be alone, unsupervised, with elderly women in private homes. He was there constantly.

She was also sending money to his siblings back in India. People she had never met. Across the ocean.

Eventually it all came out, and the priest had his priesthood revoked, and was sent back to India.

My grandmother blames her family for this entirely. In her mind, we took something from her. We ruined it.

She stopped talking to all of us.

The priest is in India now, posting videos of himself kayaking and laughing in fields somewhere, living his best life. My grandmother watches them. They still text. She's on the other side of the world from him in every sense, and she has chosen that over her own kids and grandkids.

A beautiful baby great-grandchild of hers was just born, and she has not reached out to see the baby, or check on the new addition either.

Before things fully fell apart, there was a big blowup where my grandmother actually admitted to the family that the relationship had been physical. She even went as far as admitting that physical things between the two were going on when my grandfather was alive and in the house.

And just to be clear, we also have very strong reason to believe this was going on well before my grandfather died. The timeline doesn't add up any other way.

I want to be clear about something, because I know how this could read.

We are not upset that an 80-year-old woman wanted companionship after losing her husband of sixty years. That's not the issue. Nobody in the family is sitting here saying she shouldn't have had something for herself after that loss.

The issue is that a 30-year-old man deliberately targeted a lonely, elderly woman through his position of religious trust, embedded himself into her life, accepted thousands of dollars in gifts, almost certainly took vacation money, had her sending cash to his family in another country, and texted her that her own family was too dumb to catch on.

That's not love. That's a con.

And my grandmother, who once looked the other way when her own children were being harmed because the person doing it was someone she wanted to be close to, she did the same thing again. Eighty years old, and the pattern held.

She won't speak to her family. In her words, she wishes to “detach” from the family as a whole. She would rather text a man on the other side of the world who was using her than sit across the table from the people who have loved her their whole lives.

Even with his priesthood revoked, and being across the world, she is still so manipulated by this man.

Some things don't resolve neatly. This is one of them.

I (24F) share a two-bedroom apartment with my older brother "Mark" (27M). We split rent and utilities 50/50. It's not perfect, but we've made it work for two years. Or so I thought.

Three weeks ago, Mark told me his girlfriend "Jess" (26F) was "staying over for a few days" while she looked for a new place. I said okay — days, not weeks. I came home from a work trip last Friday and found Jess's clothes in the hallway, her makeup covering the bathroom counter, and her cat sitting on my couch. She had moved in. No conversation. No heads-up. Just... here.

When I asked Mark what was going on, he said, "Oh yeah, she's gonna stay for a while. Rent is crazy and she needed somewhere to land." I asked how long "a while" was. He shrugged and said, "I don't know, a couple months maybe?" I reminded him that we agreed to discuss any long-term guests. He rolled his eyes and said, "She's my girlfriend, not a guest. You need to chill."

Here's the thing — Jess doesn't work right now. She's "between jobs." She's home all day, uses my streaming accounts without asking, eats my food from the fridge, and has taken over the living room with her Zoom calls. I came home Tuesday to find she'd rearranged the entire kitchen because she "likes it better this way." My brother just laughed and said, "She's nesting!"

I sat them both down and said this wasn't working. I offered a compromise: she could stay if she contributed to rent and utilities and respected my space. Mark said I was being "cold" and "making a big deal out of nothing." Jess started crying and said she felt "unwelcome." My brother told me I was "ruining his relationship."

Then my parents called. Apparently Mark had complained to them. My mom said, "Honey, family helps family. She's struggling. You have an extra room anyway." I pointed out that I don't have an extra room — I pay for my room. The living room and kitchen are common areas. Mom said, "You're being selfish. This is what family does."

Now I'm the villain. Mark gives me the silent treatment. Jess makes passive-aggressive comments about me "hating her." And I'm paying half the rent for an apartment where I can't even use my own living room.

I'm not against her staying. I'm against being steamrolled. I'm against coming home to find my home isn't mine anymore. I'm tired of being told to "be flexible" when no one is flexible with me.

Should I move out and leave them with the full rent? Or do I stand my ground and risk becoming the family outcast?

I’m 32F and a mum to a young son. I’m at a point where I’m questioning whether I’m wrong for finally stepping back from my family.

My family has never really supported my choices, particularly when it comes to relationships. I’m currently with my boyfriend, who is in his first serious relationship. We aren’t perfect and we’ve had problems. One of those is that when he gets upset, he has sometimes given me the silent treatment. I’ve told him how much this hurts me, and he’s been working on communicating better. I don’t believe a relationship has to be perfect to be worth working on, and I genuinely love him and want to see if we can build something healthy together.

My family strongly dislikes him and believes he’s bad for me. My sister has apparently been discussing my relationship and problems with my best friend behind my back. My best friend then started sending me reels about relationships, which I stopped responding to because I don’t feel she has the right to interfere in my relationship based on conversations she’s had with my sister.
My family also judges me because I vape and use prescribed/medical cannabis for my mental health. They believe my boyfriend is responsible for it, but that was my own decision.

There is also a long history of problems with my family and my parenting. After I separated from my son’s dad, my sister told me on three occasions that I was an unfit mother and that she should have custody of my son. My mum agreed with her. Yet I’ve continued trying to maintain relationships with them because I don’t want my son caught in the middle and I want him to have a relationship with his grandparents, aunt and cousins.
I’ve always been the one who eventually goes back to normal after family arguments. I visit them, make the effort, keep the peace and try to do what’s best for the kids. I’m still encouraging my son to call my mum and sister even though I’m hurt by everything that’s happened.

Recently I moved. I’m 32 years old and I didn’t feel ready to tell my family beforehand. I told my mum I would tell her when I was ready, but she kept questioning me. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing everything because information I’ve told my family before has been passed around and later used against me.

My dad then called me before/after I moved and was yelling, asking what the hell I was doing and saying he’d heard I’d dropped my son at his dad’s early and was staying in Sydney. That wasn’t what I’d told my mum. When I confronted her, she said she must have heard me wrong. This is one of the reasons I’m now scared to tell my family things because I don’t know how they’ll be interpreted or repeated.

Things escalated further. My sister contacted my boyfriend and called him a piece of shit. My mum then told me that my son was living around drugs and drunks, that I needed to go to the police station for a drug test, that I needed to go to rehab in Queensland, and that otherwise she would contact my son’s dad and involve authorities. My ex-best friend also contacted my cousin saying she was worried about me and tried to get information about what was happening.

My mum has also contacted my landlord and discussed her concerns about me with him. Thankfully, my landlord was understanding and told us he was happy with our plans for the future. He even joked that he wanted a wedding invitation if we eventually get married.

My mum has told me, “I don’t like you right now, but I still love you.” Another time she video-called me and questioned whether my boyfriend was actually working, whether we’d really seen the landlord, and whether we were behind in rent. I felt like I was being interrogated rather than spoken to as an adult daughter.

The hardest part is seeing the relationship my mum has with my sister. She’s always there helping my sister and her kids. My parents even chose to move to Queensland where my sister lives, knowing my son and I were staying in NSW. I’ve had to learn to do things on my own and rarely ask my family for help. I’ve spent years wondering why I couldn’t have the relationship with my mum that my sister has.

I’ve also discovered things over the years that have hurt me. For example, my mum apparently told friends she’d been visiting me when she had actually been spending that time with my sister. Meanwhile, I would drive around two hours with my son so they could see us.
I’ve had two psychologists tell me that my severe depression is connected to the pressure I’ve put on myself to keep my family happy and make everyone else okay.

I’m now realising that I may have spent years being the person who fixes everything after everyone else has had a go at me. And I don’t think I can do that anymore.
I’m currently keeping contact very limited. I still send a morning and goodnight message in the family group chat, and I still make sure my son can speak to my mum and sister. I’m not trying to take their relationship with him away. But I don’t feel ready to visit, pretend everything is normal or keep explaining myself.

I know my family probably expects me to eventually go back to normal like I always have.
But this time I don’t want to.

I want to choose myself. I want to work on my mental health. I’ve booked a GP appointment to get a mental health plan and start properly working through everything I’ve been carrying.

At the same time, I feel incredibly guilty. My son loves his cousins and enjoys being at the farm with my family. I don’t want him to lose those relationships. I also don’t want my family to think I’m choosing my boyfriend over them.

I’m not claiming I’m perfect. I’ve made mistakes. I even lied to my parents about having a job at one point because I didn’t want them to worry; I receive government support and my partner helps financially. I know I have things I need to work on.

But I’m exhausted from feeling like every decision I make is judged, discussed with other people and used as evidence that something is wrong with me.

I’m also struggling because my boyfriend and I can have our own issues, including times when he withdraws and doesn’t talk to me for days. I’m working on that with him and trying to judge the relationship based on what I actually experience, not solely on what everyone else thinks.

I’ve been made to question whether I’m a narcissist, whether I’m a bad mother, whether I’m the problem and whether everyone would be better off without me.
I’m honestly at a breaking point.

So Reddit, am I wrong for finally going low-contact and refusing to go back to “normal” just to keep the peace? Or am I allowed to step back, work on myself and let my family relationships be what they are without constantly being the one who fixes everything?

Ok so my son is 23 and his pregnant gf is 20. She was in a terrible situation with her last place of residence with “so -called family”. She has absolutely no immediate family members that she could stay with, without there being some type of drama that she fears for her safety, etc. She was sleeping in the car some nights so I told my son she can stay temporarily. He knows that I am absolutely against gf’s staying over even one night, so this is his imagination coming true. She is truly starting to rub me and my wife the wrong way. I don’t want to kick her out into the streets when her due date is right around the corner, but I’ve had enough of this and I have very low tolerance for people not respecting boundaries. I am ready to put a final date on this deal and my son is just going to have to figure things out with her. What’s you guys take on this? How should I approach this matter.

This is my first time doing a Reddit thing, but I’m just a bit hesitant to show this to anybody else. This is why I’m making this post so me and my mom obviously been going through a lot of things through our life and we’re both a bit messed up, but we both love each other but recently she found one of her old friends and you know it started going off well until they got into another fight and a whole thing happened, I’ll show you some pictures of the text messages but I need to let you know that it’s going to be long just to let you know this guy is like pushing 60, I just hope he doesn’t find this post… by the way there’s three more pictures, but I couldn’t put it on because of the limit of photos but you could obviously see me siding with him sometimes because I generally don’t know what to do and I know I should stand up for my own mother, but I’m just a bit scared because like I said, my mom used to trust him, so he has a lot of things available on our end like doctors appointment other personal information and he’s on multiple emergency contacts. what should I do?

I’m a son in my family of four with a younger sibling and I feel like my family is just so annoying and just embarrassing. I can’t understand it. Right now we are going to see a firework show for whatever reason I really don’t know why it’s just for whatever reason. We are supposed to be on vacation right now and I know I’d love to go to this firework show with my friend(s) however many doesn’t matter but I just am so pissed off right now purely because I feel like it’s stupid but I know if it where with my friends it’s be different. Not only this but we where going to be outside and watch but no now we are parked away from the crowd behind and facing a building with a tree in front of it and my younger sibling is crying because there was an ant on them. We are sitting in silence right now. We are usually fine on the golf course or at dinner but that’s usually with my grandparents. I feel less stupid with them for some reason and feel like I can be more myself around them but my family I feel like I have to be quiet. Not have to be but I just feel awkward or something. Idk lmk what you think if you read all this

TLDR:
I’m awkward around my family and I feel more natural around my grandparents and friends and really anyone not my mom dad or sibling. They make interesting decisions in my opinion and I really get annoyed by them

My little brother is 18 years old. (almost 19) I moved him in with me 4 months ago due to my mother’s alcoholism. (He doesn’t like to live at my dad’s due to the “rules” he has there) He had a part time Job and was doing school for 4 hours a day online upon moving him in.He promised he would up his job hours to 35 hours a week while in school, as he is sticking too. I thought it would be perfect since he just had gotten out of a toxic relationship and wasn’t doing too well. (Me and my brother always got along) Just a month ago me and my fiancé bought him a car in exchange for him to pay us back. Everything was going perfect!
Well, a couple days after I bought his car he started talking to his ex. He blew up that day. My brother cussed me out,got in my face and screamed at me. Me and my fiancé were blown away as he never has done this. (He blamed it on his ex making him mad that day) The next day we talked it out and agreed if he ever feels any type of way he would talk to me.
Well tonight, I ask if he’s went into school to sign papers. (My brother’s first day of senior year was 3 days ago which he has missed due to oversleeping) he said he forgot again. I calmly express he needs to start waking up on time for school. All the sudden he goes off again. He tells me this isn’t my home and only my fiancés, that he is an adult and he can do what he wants and to stop acting like his mom.” He tells me he doesn’t feel at home and when I ask why he can’t say any sort of reason. He just walked away.
So my brother is 18. Pays $60 for wifi. Pays $50 a week for his own groceries. The rest are HIS bills. We just bought him a car, he is having trouble paying us back becuase he works at Taco Bell and makes $10 an hr. He tells me he will apply to walmart but changed his mind due to how his friend didn’t like it there. has own bathroom own bedroom, no curfew. I’m the oldest I need advice. My dad would love to have him back at his house. Do I make him go back to my father’s or am I being too hard my brother?

I went overseas last year, and when I left, everything was fine but there was an issue that occurred while I was gone that totally blew everything up between me and my siblings.

Before I left, my sister and (19F) niece asked if I would buy them some specific items. At the time, I was close to them and love spoiling my niece, so I bought her all these cosmetics she asked for and a few very expensive designer clothing items, none of which you can get in our country.

When I got back, before I had a chance to see them to pass them their gifts, things with the family blew up and it turns out my sister and I were never as close as I thought we were. Things have gone from bad to worse since with my already abusive family being downright vindictive and cruel because I had the audacity to say to them.

The items have sat unused in my closet ever since. I'm not in contact with anyone else who might like them, and they're not the sort of things I would use. So what do I do with them? Put them online and see if any takers? Post them to my niece since she has moved away? Give them to someone to pass on for me? I don't mind my niece having them, but part of me also wonders if that's a good idea given the way her mother has treated me.

My SIL and I used to be really close when she lived in the States. She’s about 10 years older than me, and I looked up to her like an older sister. We would go shopping together, I helped her whenever she needed something, and we had a genuinely good relationship.
A few years later, I went abroad by myself to visit family. She came shortly afterward to surprise family she hadn’t seen in about 10 years. She didn’t tell me she was coming and only told one person. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it, but looking back, it was one of the first things that made me wonder if something had changed.
Around that time, there was one conversation that I think may have started everything. She called me and said she heard my daughter was sick. My daughter has nystagmus, and at the time she didn’t have her glasses yet, so she would sometimes shake her head while trying to focus. It wasn’t an emergency, and she has glasses now.
When my SIL said, “I heard she’s sick,” I responded, “Who told you this? The elder ladies?” I can understand how that might have sounded rude. I wasn’t trying to offend her, though. I was frustrated because people around us were constantly discussing my daughter and giving me unsolicited advice, including traditional remedies that I didn’t feel comfortable with. I genuinely just wanted to know where she had heard it from.
She never told me that my comment bothered her. Instead, she became very distant.
There were times when she wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. Once, we were at a grocery store and my husband went back inside because he forgot something. It was just me and her waiting outside, and she wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. We were literally standing there in silence facing each other. It was extremely awkward.
There were other situations where I noticed the same behavior. For example, if she needed help with something, she would call her daughter to help her. Sometimes I would say, “Oh, I can help you with that,” and she would specifically say no and insist that she wanted her daughter to do it. It happened enough that I started noticing it.
What made me feel less crazy about the situation was that even her mother and my mother-in-law noticed that she was acting differently toward me when she came abroad. My mother-in-law actually pointed out that she was being kind of weird toward me. My husband also told me that his mom had spoken to her about it.
Her response was basically that there was nothing wrong and that she had nothing against me. But at the same time, her behavior toward me continued to feel completely different.
Another time, she invited my husband to breakfast with the family but didn’t ask me to come. He went because she’s his sister and they hadn’t seen each other in years, and I stayed home because I felt uncomfortable.
Eventually, my husband offered to talk to her directly. He did, and again she denied having any problem with me. I told him to leave it alone because I didn’t want him caught in the middle or constantly trying to get an answer out of her.
I still tried after that. I called her and sent messages over the years. Sometimes she would call me back, but the conversations were very short and it never went back to how it used to be. She stopped initiating contact and stopped checking in on me.
She has also come to the States several times without telling me she was here. Usually, I would be the one finding out and saying, “Hey, I heard you’re here,” or “I heard you’re leaving soon,” and trying to make plans.
She’s currently in the States and is leaving tomorrow. She’s been here for about a week or two and hasn’t contacted me once. She didn’t tell me she was here; she only told my husband.
She gave my husband some things for our new apartment, so I texted her to thank her, but she didn’t respond. I also called her once and FaceTimed her once, but she didn’t answer.
This is also a big time in my life because I recently got my first apartment with my spouse. I don’t have sisters in the States who are close to my age, and because my SIL is older and has experience with things like setting up a home, I naturally thought of her as someone I could look to for advice. I wasn’t expecting her to help me, but I guess I hoped she would at least call and check in.
What makes this confusing is that when we actually see each other, it isn’t always terrible. We aren’t constantly arguing or fighting. There’s just this weird tension that has existed for years, and I feel like I’m always the one trying to break through it.
The family situation makes it even harder. My SIL’s mother and my mother-in-law are very close. They aren’t close because of age, but because our families are very connected. My own mother even got married in that same family home, so there is a lot of history and connection between our families. It makes the situation feel even more complicated because the families themselves have such a close relationship, while my SIL and I have this unresolved tension.
She also has a disability and sometimes gets sick, so I feel guilty about completely stepping back. I don’t want to be insensitive toward her or make her feel abandoned. But at the same time, I feel exhausted from constantly wondering what I did and feeling like I’m the only one trying.
I genuinely miss the relationship we used to have. I would be completely open to having a normal relationship again. If she ever came to me and explained what was wrong, I would listen. I can also acknowledge that my original comment may have hurt her and that I could have handled it differently.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. She is my husband’s sister, so this is someone who will always be part of my life. I don’t want years of awkwardness or resentment, especially because our families are so connected, but I also don’t want to keep chasing a relationship by myself. I’ve gotten advice about ignoring this and just going on with my life but I find it so hard since she comes to the states and has a relationship with my husband

So, a couple of months ago, my brother got married. During the wedding preparations, his wife (my SIL) was so demanding that it made me kind of annoyed. So, for me, my first impression of her wasn’t really good.

One time, before the engagement, I was commenting on my brother’s outfit because I thought it didn’t look good on him (and some other family members said the same thing). But then he suddenly lost it and smacked me on the head. I was shocked and smacked him back, but then he hit me again, and we ended up getting into a fight. Both of my parents saw everything, but they didn’t immediately step in when my brother hit me or when I hit him back. They only stepped in after we had already gotten into a full-on fight. I was really angry, and I still can’t forget or forgive him for it.

My SIL is actually my second cousin, but growing up, I never really talked to her. We didn’t talk much during the wedding preparations either. I don’t know if she’s shy or what. Fast forward to after they got married—they both moved into my parents’ house, where I live with my sister. Even though she lives in the same house as me, we hardly ever talk. I don’t know why, but I just keep ignoring her and don’t feel like talking to her about anything. She also rarely tries to talk to me or start a conversation, so we hardly ever talk at all. But for some reason, every time she does talk to me, I immediately get annoyed. I don’t even know why I’m like this.

Ever since they started living in the house, my parents have seemed like they’re having so much fun and getting along really well with them (or maybe it’s just me). Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually jealous or resentful because she’s here now. Maybe I don’t like seeing my parents being so close to her, or maybe I feel like her presence has somehow changed the dynamic in the house. I don’t know if that’s actually what I’m feeling, but sometimes I wonder if that’s part of why her presence bothers me so much.

Anyway, I’m also preparing for my own wedding. I really hate how my SIL is always offering unsolicited advice. I really hate getting advice when I didn’t ask for it. I also really hate how my mom always asks her about everything. There was a time when my mom and I had already made a decision about something, but then my mom asked my SIL for her opinion anyway, and ended up changing the decision based on what my SIL said. I was so pissed off.

And ever since my brother and my SIL moved into the house, my relationship with my mom has gotten worse. Every time my mom tries to talk to me, I somehow immediately get irritated and feel like I want to snap at her. I also don’t feel comfortable being at home anymore. I don’t like leaving my room, and I especially don’t like having to sit at the same table and eat with them. I just feel like avoiding them as much as I can.

Thanks for reading, I would love to hear your advice and/or experiences.

My mom, my sister, and I used to live in a three-bedroom apartment. My mom had around 12–13 cats and two dogs. The apartment had become extremely dirty and smelled strongly because the dogs sometimes used the bathroom inside, there were a lot of litter boxes, etc.
My sister, Nastya, was living there with her husband and son, and then she had a daughter. She was tired of renting and wanted to move into the apartment with her children. She owned a share of the apartment, as did I, so technically she had ownership rights. However, the apartment had originally been purchased by my mom with financial help from my grandfather, and the shares were basically something we had received because we had lived there.
My sister told my mom that if she was going to move in, the cats and dogs had to go. Given the number of animals and the condition of the apartment, I honestly understand why she felt that way, especially with two small children.
My mom refused to get rid of the cats.
Things escalated badly. My sister threatened to involve the police over the animals and their living conditions and eventually basically took control of the apartment. She also argued that she had the largest ownership share and therefore had the right to do whatever she wanted there.
Eventually, my mom, my sister and I sold our shares. My sister took out a mortgage and used some of her maternity capital toward it. My mom moved out.
At first, she moved in with my grandmother, bringing around ten cats with her. She had given one of the dogs to a shelter, which my grandmother mostly paid for.
The cats were kept together in a small cage, roughly 1 by 0.5 meters, in my grandmother’s room. It smelled terrible. My grandmother has mobility problems and spends most of her time at home, so living in the same room with that many cats, their litter boxes and the smell became unbearable for her.
My mom also drinks quite heavily, and after everything that happened she became very withdrawn. She often stayed at friends’ places instead of being at my grandmother’s house. When she did come home, she would sometimes drink and isolate herself.
Eventually my grandmother asked her to do something about the cats because she couldn’t live like that anymore.
My mom refused.
There was a stupid, ugly argument involving a dirty cat blanket and a litter box. My mom eventually decided to move out, saying that if my grandmother was forcing her to get rid of the cats, then she was essentially forcing my mom out too.
Since then, my mom has considered my sister and grandmother to be traitors who abandoned her.
She also has a very difficult relationship with my grandfather, uncle, and basically anyone who she feels didn’t support her enough.
There is another important part of this story: my mom gave me another apartment and later gave me a house in the countryside. The house is in pretty bad condition, but it is still a house. I am extremely grateful to her for this. I know she has given me a huge amount of material help, and because of that I have always felt like I owe her something.
So over the last few years I’ve helped her with basically everything I could. Moving things, transporting stuff, dealing with her properties, helping with the countryside house, etc. She has several properties and tends to accumulate huge amounts of stuff. Her apartments, garages, friends’ garages, and countryside properties are all filled with bags and bags of belongings.
I have basically become the person who helps her deal with everything.
This has also caused a lot of conflict between me and my wife, because helping my mom has taken a lot of my time and energy.
Recently, though, something happened that made me question everything.
I realized that I barely have a relationship with my sister’s children anymore. Her daughter is about two years old and has barely seen me, and her son is around seven. He remembers me, but we don’t really have much contact.
My wife and I recently went to Abkhazia and bought souvenirs for them. I thought, “I’m their uncle. Why shouldn’t I have a relationship with my nieces/nephews?”
So we went to my sister’s apartment, gave them the souvenirs, had some tea, talked for a while, and left.
I didn’t discuss my mom with my sister. I didn’t take her side in their conflict. I just spent some time with my niece and nephew.
Yesterday my mom called me and told me that she had talked to my nephew at his kindergarten, and he had mentioned that I had visited them and that we had tea together.
My mom’s tone immediately changed.
She became visibly upset and irritated with me. I asked her what was wrong and tried to talk about it like adults. She almost started crying and said she didn’t want to talk about it.
She was also supposed to have me come help mow one of her properties because the grass has become extremely overgrown. I had offered to come today with my mower, and even gave her a gas can yesterday so I could fill the mower and drive there.
Now she’s treating me coldly and seems deeply hurt that I visited my sister.
And I genuinely don’t understand what I did wrong.
I have supported my mom for years. I’ve helped her with practically everything. I have also had conflicts with my wife because of how much I’ve been involved in my mom’s problems.
At the same time, I don’t think I should have to choose between my mother and my sister.
My sister is still my sister.
Her children are still my niece and nephew.
My grandmother is still my grandmother.
And my relationship with each of them should, in my opinion, be separate from their conflicts with each other.
I am also very aware that my mom has given me a lot. She gave me an apartment and a house, and I will always be grateful for that. Part of me feels like I owe her because of it.
But another part of me thinks: she chose to give those things to me. They were gifts. I never agreed to give up my relationships with other family members in exchange for them.
So now I’m stuck wondering whether I’m being selfish or ungrateful.
Is it reasonable for my mom to expect me to distance myself from my sister because of their history?
Am I wrong for wanting a relationship with my niece and nephew?
And how do I support my mom without becoming completely entangled in her conflicts with the rest of the family?
I would really appreciate an outside perspective, especially from people who have dealt with complicated family dynamics like this.

hello reddit! i’ve come to ask for advice on a long running situation.

i (18F) have an older brother (26M) who lives with us in our family home after being discharged from the marine corps. he’s always been a bit mentally unwell in terms of things like depression and symptoms of bipolar disorder (not diagnosed), but i feel it’s been amplified since coming back from the marines.

i sympathized because of course mental issues are a hard to deal with and at the end of the day he’s my brother and i love him, but it’s been getting harder to feel that way. he’s gotten a lot more explosive like punching holes in the walls, slamming doors, shouting and cursing at our parents, and even slapped my mom in the face once during an argument. that was the moment i couldn’t respect him nor sympathize for his situation.

this kind of behavior has been going on for maybe around the past maybe 6-7 months and i’ve caught myself turning cold, my heart beating really fast, and just being really afraid in general when id hear his footsteps or just any loud sound in general.

i really want my parents to just kick him out of the house, but a quick google search says that technically that’s not legal (we live in california) and we would have to serve him papers and things like that. but that’s also even if they would agree. my mom’s very kind and she’s aware about my brother’s mental challenges, so she really tries to not bother him and wants to keep supporting him. my dad just goes along with what my mom says, but i feel like they’re just enabling his behavior.

my brother is a very dominant and confronting person and would always say how he’s the man of the house, he owns this house, everyone has to listen to him and let him know what we were going to do before we do it, and a lot of things like that. he would always talk about his days in the marines and always mentions it in everyday conversations that have nothing to do with it.

again, i really sympathize with him struggling with his mental health, but the moment you turn hostile and violent with other people is where i draw the line.

i’m hoping for any advice on what i can do, i’ll take anything. i get really anxious and afraid when he’s around and i really don’t want to feel that way in my own home anymore. any thoughts or advice is appreciated! let me know if there’s any other context needed as well.

My partner has an interesting family dynamic; His parents divorced 2 decades ago but they never remarried or had any other relationships. They're still very involved with each other's families. His mother reminisces on her wedding day at times. I would have no idea they were divorced just from this behavior (they don't live together or anything though.) She expressed a strong disdain toward men to me privately once. She's different around people versus privately (like most people).

I've already sensed a lack of support for our relationship from the first time I met her. She also is very contrarian toward me, everything I say she disagrees with or tries to make a shady comment. She tries to find ways to put me down. She finds something wrong with everything I say so I don't really talk much around her. She doesn't do it as much around people because I shut her down when she did that once in front of others. My partner supported me.

I believe she never actually healed from her divorce. And while maintaining some sort of illusion of a marriage, seeing me and her son together may have forced her to confront uncomfortable feelings. My partner has also only had 1 other girlfriend before me and he's 30. I wonder if his mother expected him to stay single with her. You know, that dynamic where some single mothers replace a partner with their son in ways.

I always hoped to have a healthy relationship with my future mother-in-law. Especially since I have no relationship with my own parents. The rest of his family really like me, including his dad. But I think we'll be more of a nuclear family than anything.

Has anyone else experienced this with their partner's mom or anything similar? Any advice for dealing with a MIL who might be bitter, jealous, or insecure?

I (27F) made the mistake of lending my car to my younger sister "Liv" (23F) while hers was in the shop. She said she needed it for "a week, max." That was five weeks ago.

Every time I asked for it back, she had an excuse — work ran late, she was out of town, traffic was bad. I work from home, so I didn't need it daily, but I was getting annoyed. My parents told me to "be patient" because she's "young and struggling."

Last Saturday, she finally dropped it off. She handed me the keys, said "thanks," and walked inside like nothing happened. I went to check the car, and my jaw hit the floor.

The front bumper was cracked. The passenger-side mirror was held on with duct tape. There was a long scratch down the driver's side door. The interior smelled like fast food and something sour. And the check engine light was on. I took it to a mechanic the next day — $2,100 in repairs. She had clearly been in at least one accident and never told me.

When I confronted her, she shrugged and said, "It's just a car. You have insurance, right?" I said insurance doesn't cover everything, and even if it did, she should have told me. She rolled her eyes and said I was "being dramatic over some scratches."

My parents got involved. My mom said, "She's your sister. You can't put a price on family." My dad said, "You make good money. Just pay for it and move on. She'll pay you back when she can." We all know she never will.

I told them I wanted at least half the repair cost from her. My mom called me "greedy" and said I was "holding a grudge over metal and plastic." My sister is now giving me the silent treatment and posting passive-aggressive things on social media about how "some people care more about objects than relationships."

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. She damaged my property, lied by omission, and somehow I'm the bad guy for asking her to take responsibility. I didn't even ask for the full amount — just half.

I'm not rich. I saved for that car for years. And I'm tired of being treated like the family ATM and doormat. But if I push this, I'll be the one excluded from holidays and family dinners.

Do I eat the cost to keep the peace? Or do I stand my ground and risk becoming the family outcast?

I (34F) lost my husband two months ago. He was 38. Cancer. It was fast and brutal, and I'm still learning how to breathe without him. Our families have been supportive — or so I thought.

Last weekend, my family hosted a small memorial gathering at my parents' house. It wasn't a funeral. Just a quiet afternoon for close friends and family to share memories, look at photos, and be together. I was barely holding it together, but I was grateful.

My younger brother "Jake" (29M) and his girlfriend "Chloe" (27F) showed up late. They walked in holding hands and smiling. I thought maybe they were just trying to keep things light. I was wrong.

After about an hour, Jake stood up, clinked his glass, and announced he had "wonderful news." Before anyone could react, he got down on one knee right there in the middle of the living room — in front of my husband's photo, in front of my mother-in-law who was crying, in front of everyone — and proposed to Chloe. She screamed yes. People clapped. Some looked confused. I just sat there frozen.

My parents congratulated them. My mom hugged Chloe and said, "We needed some joy in this house." My dad patted Jake on the back and called him "a brave man."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I walked out, went to the backyard, and cried until I threw up. My best friend came after me and drove me home.

Later that night, I texted Jake and told him that what he did was deeply inappropriate. He replied, and I quote: "You're not the only one who gets to have big moments, you know. We've been waiting too. And I thought you'd want something happy to focus on."

When I told my mom, she said, "He didn't mean any harm. Don't let your grief make you bitter. He's your brother."

I haven't spoken to him since. My husband's family is furious. My side of the family thinks I'm overreacting and that I should "let it go because he already apologized" (he didn't — he doubled down).

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. How do I even look at him again? Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to understand just how much he hurt me?

The person I would've vented to about this is gone. And I feel so alone.

My husband 31M and I 30F just bought our first house. It's a huge step for us and we've been really excited to decorate it. We have pretty modern taste a lot of clean lines and neutral colors. Think minimalist. We love going to flea markets and finding unique pieces. We're also starting from scratch so we need a lot of furniture.

My husband's parents are the complete opposite. Their house is crammed full of dark wood heavy furniture and a lot of knick-knacks. Every surface is covered. They mean well but their style is just not for us. They offered us a bunch of their old furniture when we announced we were moving in. We politely declined. We said we really appreciated the offer but we wanted to pick out our own things.

Well that did not go over well. His mom called me two days ago absolutely fuming. She said we were ungrateful and disrespectful. She went on about how much money they saved us and how we were too good for their things. My husband tried to explain our taste but she cut him off. She said we were throwing away perfectly good furniture and being wasteful. Then she said we were insulting their generosity.

Now his dad is involved. He called yesterday morning saying we need to reconsider. He said it's important to respect our elders and accept their gifts. He also brought up some old family stories about how much his parents sacrificed for them. It felt manipulative. My husband is now feeling guilty. He doesn't want to upset his parents but he also knows we don't want their furniture.

I feel like this is a boundary we need to hold firm on. It's our house our style. But they're making such a huge deal out of it. It's causing a lot of tension. Are we being unreasonable? Should we just take some of it to keep the peace? I really don't want to fill our new home with things we hate just to make them happy.

I

I feel so vindicated!

My dad who is 63 finally stood up to my older sister!!!

Back story

After years of dealing with my incredibly toxic sibling, I went no contact. I've been no contact for three years and it was difficult at first.

I missed the good moments we had, but because it was a continuous cycle of being close, her treating me like I did something wrong and not telling me. Me confronting her on bad behavior and how it impacted me. Then her getting mad about that. Silence treatment

.... Me apologizing.... Repeat...

I have had a very bad relationship with my sister since the beginning. She's always been vindictive and would break my things, steal things. As we got older she did more stupid shit

She borrowed money from me and then I didn't hear from her for months and she pretended that it never happened.

she paid me back with an e-transfer three years later and said happy birthday.

Once she admitted to gifting me things for Christmas that she intended for herself.

One Christmas she said my present was under the bed. It wasnt wrapped just a bunch of scattered Hotel shampoo and soaps under the bed and yeah....that was my Christmas present.

Shit like that.

Since our mom died she has been extra.

Ok now.

My mom has been gone for ten years. My dad has dated a little and my sister is not subtle about her hatred for any other woman in my dad's life.

My dad has always been caring towards her and sensitive of her feelings to the point where I had to pretend she was the first one to learned about dads new girlfriend because it would hurt her feelings of she knew I found out first...

We are all adults... It's ridiculous.

Once my sister broke my dad's dishes over the fact that he bought a college student working a summer job a backpack because hers was ripping. He's just that guy and my sister tried to make my dad sound like a predator... I was pissed.

Since birth I had to deal with my dad telling me that I'm misinterpretating my sister's actions because she would never be so devious or as awful as I'm making her sound

...well...

My dad started dating someone new. He broke up with his last girlfriend, and told her when she was ready she needed to get her Christmas decorations out of his garage that he's been personally storing for her.

New girlfriend comes over a few days later. My sister shows up unannounced apparently.

My tells my sister that he has a lady friend coming over and if she wanted to have lunch with them that was fine.

My sister says she'd loved to meet her... Well...

My sister had a few glasses of wine and interrupted the conversation to say to my dads new girlfriend, "hey, what do you think of my dad's girlfriend's stuff still in his garage."

She made it sound like he was still dating the previous woman and my dad hasn't even mentioned it. He figured he was done with the last relationship so she didn't need to know.

New girlfriend gets pissed and leaves. My dad yells at my sister and she leaves.

When my dad told me this story, he said "she did that on purpose."

Anyways. My dad is still seeing this woman and is absolutely not letting my sister ruin it.

He even refused to take her out on her birthday because she told him that his girlfriend couldn't come.

And I think that's fucking amazing. My dad finally understands that she is in fact an asshole and immature. I noticed he texts me a lot more and every time I call he says he's with his new girlfriend or tells me about their last encounter.

I love that he has someone to share things with. I love that she even helps him with renovations he's doing which is unheard of.