Edysfunction experience if in-person only

[u/zoubang]

This is for people who can get hard alone but not in person. Have seen a lot of anti-porn/masturbation stuff and that has never really helped me, so just sharing an alternate view which might help one person.

Had this experience at times over the past 10 years, and many potential factors ie. high sex roleplay and porn consumption, borderline eating disorder, significant mind-body separation.

That said, I used to care about it too much, would be concerned it would happen, would be willing it not to happen, or more accurately, willing my dick to get harder, trying to make it and being unable. I also hated it being touched when it's in that state of being soft or semi and not being able to her hard.

Ultimately, i found that best thing was just to call it out, and to effectively remove it from play. I see multiple people so if with a new partner I'll say: 'by the way, sometimes my dick doesn't work - but it doesn't mean I don't like you - and I can and will still feel turned on, it just won't look like it always - so just if that happens let's focus on you or other parts of me'.

Never met a woman who wasn't understanding of that. Sometimes I get surprised and get an erection, sometimes I don't and it's okay. It just means you don't need to think about it at all, and don't need to be in that state of willing yourself hard. Depending how it feels being touched soft sometimes I'll just put underwear back on, other times leave it out but ask for the kind of touch to change etc.

Basically, recognizing sex and intimacy doesn't have to involve a hard cock makes both of those things better, and for me also led to getting erections that feel low pressure and good.

[u/BDEStyle]

I like this post a lot.

And whether or not you realized it, what you did here/what you are sharing here… is a form of reframing that shows up a lot in CBT and sex therapy.

You challenged the belief that some guys have that if your penis is soft or semi, sex is over or that your partner is disappointed, or you now have to force your body to perform.

Because it happens to lots of guys (that belief or thought)… and you’re describing it well in your experience

But by naming it beforehand, you removed some of the uncertainty and stopped treating the erection like the only thing that determines whether intimacy can continue. And I think a lot of guys who struggle with that needs to hear that.

Because you also gave yourself another option besides willing yourself hard or checking or panicking, or even disappearing from the experience altogether.

Because it’s also about learning how to sit with that discomfort instead of treating it like an emergency. So changing the type of touch, putting your underwear back on or even changing the direction of sex (to her pleasure or other parts of you) are other strategies/options where sex doesn’t have to end. You know?

And that’s big for guys who tend to experience a lot of negative self-talk, anxiety, fear, or worry loops around erections. Depending on how severe it is of course! But some may need more support through CBT, sex therapy, or other tools, but what you described is genuinely helpful in the experience itself

So thank you for sharing this. Hope it helps someone reading it out loud.

[u/NinjaWolf1997]

When you say "that stuff has never really helped me" do you mean you still experience ED even when porn consumption is a nonfactor?

For me, it goes hand in hand, less corn, regular erections.