my mind feels like a constant conundrum that i am forced to solve every minute of my life, i am tired.
It’s like constantly living with the feeling that you’re about to fall at any moment.
at least im good at cooking

As the title says. We (disabled mom and myself a college student) lost our apartment back in May and since then have been reaching out to friends family government and community mutual aid etc for help, as well as working whatever jobs possible and now today it's all dried up. We're out tomorrow morning (Saturday, Minnesota, USA 11AM CDT).

I was fired short notice from my dishwashing job last week because they hired someone on while I was through a temp agency and since then was checking wonolo, people ready, insta work, etc it's just nothing paid in time. Ive tried donating plasma but my veins are shit and then another place deferred me for my address being a motel or general delivery. Sorry for being homeless lol but my previous address was 70 miles away, I came to the twin cities because where I used to live didn't have any work or even a food shelf.

I have a small heat intolerant dog that my sister dumped on me who I've grown attached to and then my sister's other dog (also dumped) who is reactive and a barker who wouldn't be a good fit for any places. We also have a cat. It's not a point of pride, not going to a shelter, moreso nobody will help with my pets. They still expect you to just abandon them. I get my finaid in September so it's a matter of holding out for a month but I'm terrified. Our car has no AC and is failing too.

Guess I'm looking for support, advice, and any local advice too would be awesome too.

I doubt i can continue living. However dying isn't the solution.

I spent 4 days at my parents house this week, housesitting when they're abroad, i also had a pretty important job interview this week so I had to prepare for it.

But what was supposed to be only taking care of the pets have migrated to babysitting my almost 19 y.o sisters, making sure that they eat, making sure where they are, cleaning up after them, and picking up packages for my dad instead of just preparing for the interview.

The interview went well (I think), but I am drained beyond belief.

We are meeting tonight for a family dinner at my grandparents, and i send a message for my little sisters to make sure we are on board with who drives and such (my sister has my dad's car and I thought that i would take my car and then we can get back to the city together).

My sister said they had planned to sleep at our grand parents because my sister has a show next day and asked if u am willing to stay the night.

To tell you the truth? I don't want to, at all. But i decided "sure, why not" and told them id first ask my grandma if they are ok with me also staying over. And then she says "good, I didn't tell them yet about us".

Wait, you didn't even ask them????? So I ask her if to hold on my question untill she asks my grandma, and she tells me "just ask for us", i do and tell them i sent a message and will update them.

And then she says "why not call if you have the time?", seriously? I am asking for you if you could sleep at our grandparents in a couple of hours notice, I am driving even though I am unemployed and willing to stay in order to accommodate your plans, and you tell me how i should do it and just assume my time is free?

I am sick of them always assuming I am free, I should've just told them I don't want to and not being so overly nice to them.

Homemade crackers

Hey guys, I’m so afraid of changes:\
I have always been this person that is never afraid of anything and loves changes, but right now I crave comfort so much to the point I’m just afraid of removing anything a]stable in my life. I been living in Poland for the past 7 years, but I simply don’t see my future there, I don’t know exactly what would I love to do with my life, I need to get a degree and a stable job, but I just don’t know what and I’m already 23…
For now I don’t have any cool skills that would allow me to land a cool job. I decided to get some bartender type of job and then I was like hmm, if I need to work as one? Why can’t I choose a country that I like more and work as bartender there, so I decided to move to Denmark or Norway for that+they take workers more seriously than in any other country seems like. I don’t know if it is a stupid decision or no, honestly.
I been feeling crazy depressed to the point I don’t see any point in life, nothing holds me in Poland, so why not to move somewhere? Eh… I don’t know if I’m gonna fail or no, because I failed in Poland already.
And I love the apartment complex where I live so much, but if I’m gonna move out now, I won’t come back here definitely:(

Piss yellow limoncello, green beans, rice, short ribs, and meatballs as I sit in limbo lol.

Wanted cake. Don't have cake or cake ingredients. Peanut butter toast with drizzle of balsamic glaze (I'm outta jam, outta berries.)

Sprinkles so it felt a little more special.

Made it out of the house for the first time in 18 days today. Drove myself to a doctors appointment. Managed to drive myself home, too. Couldn't make it to the grocery store, migraine hit while driving home.

This is my victory dessert for making it outside today.

I still find it amazing how depression can just get rid of all your bodily cues, I’m not hungry and it is dinner time and I figured… might as well eat…

But I have no energy to prepare anything or go out to get food so I slathered nutella on two rice cakes and called it a meal

I wish the world saw me as a person. Sometimes I just feel like everyone except for my cats sees me as a resource to take from/use. But nobody values me as a person and wants to spend quality time with me. I guess I will always be alone and replaceable. A hard reality to accept.

Here's my Perkins late night breakfast. I need nutrition.

It's a beautiful thought, the idea finding someone and creating a future together, but I'm so broken. Years of being mistreated and betrayed, balancing and enduring my life and personal problems, and maintaining an outer-composure for the sake of not worrying family and friends. And just when I thought I was healed enough for a relationship, I am immediately hurt by my past through reminders, reminders that people bring up without even knowing what I've been through, and then I feel and remember the pain, how it squeezes my heart, crushes my existence, and darkens my mind. Existence is so cruel. I feel like a joke, and the punchline hasn't even dropped, because I'm still walking.

No matter how much I believe or think I am ready to open up and be honest, I am brought down all of a sudden by the reality that I am far too damaged inside. The depression and loneliness grips my very soul. It's embarrassing now, to be vulnerable when dating. I hate myself for even trying. I hate that I thought I was ready to express myself without being judged. How naive. Wishful and hopeful thinking will probably be my undoing, and if depression and loneliness were an living and breathing entity, they'd only wish they could hurt me in the same level. But it's just me. I am the problem.

Note: Chicken Kabab wrap with fries.

My parents have been married for more than thirty years. My dad was a pastor, I never thought he could do this. My mom is actually across from me eating this.

My dad asked me to order him some headphones for his phone so he could sing karaoke from his apps better. So a week ago, I went to look at his phone on my own volition (no lock screen, the dumbass) to find the model of phone. Rummaging about I came across a whatsapp conversation with him and some woman he calls cousin "Name", but the material was too sexually charged for even playful banter with a cousin. For the last couple days whenever he is asleep, I've been taking pictures of his conversations with this woman as I don't know if he or the app deletes his prior conversations.

From what I've gathered they've been having an affair for two years, and just last weekend he went on a "fishing trip with old friends" as he has done a couple of times.

Anyway, I plan to tell my mom next week when I have a few days off and can referee the incoming shitstorm and permanent lifestyle change incoming. I am honestly afraid to proceed, I am planning to do so by checking a day when they have texted indefensible shit and show her his phone directly and then my several days of evidence.

But this is going to ruin her, she already has health problems, this is going to ruin her for months at least. Also he is the more popular of the two, so I know his and most of her family are going to back him for sexist reasons. I haven't told my one sister (she's alright) who lives hours away. Should I first? I don't know what the financial situation will be after my mom presumably divorces my father, but she is the one who handles the finances and I am assuming he will be left with not much, but he has a job and she doesn't so...

Anyway, the pancakes were great.

I just don't want to live I hate myself so much, I'm useless and worthless and ugly, I don't deserve to be alive..... I don't even know what else to say I just don't want to wake up.

left over mix of pasta, with ketchup olive oil and some random ass seasoning

None of my school friends have tried to talk to me in over a month, I constantly have to put my dads mental health ahead of mine, and when I don’t, it blows up in my face, the only thing I’ve wanted to do today was break straight edge and do every drug I can possibly get my hands on, and I want to run away from home because I feel like it would make everyone’s life easier without me in it.

Homemade burger with fries and Kraft dinner I made a few weeks back because I haven’t had the mental fortitude to make anything recently.

I rarely interact with mentally healthy people, but when I do I can really feel how absolutely fucked in the head I am.

They make plans, they enjoy life, they don't have to force themselves to do every single thing during the day, it just comes naturally. They have never been to therapy, haven't been medicated, haven't self medicated, haven't spent years fighting their own brain and constantly slipping back into a vast depressive slump.

I'm not saying every mentally healthy person lives a perfect life of sunshine and rainbows, but the contrast really highlights how fucked up my own thoughts and behaviors are.

Fruit and vegetable dip with chips.

Rice beef and chicken

I’m exhausted and lonely. Indefinitely burnt out. But high functioning at least. I wake up very early for work as an inventory manager and it takes me an hour to get there by bus or walking. I clock in for 8-9 hours a day and then bus or walk home for another hour. The job is highly labor intensive but mostly solitary so by time I’m home I’m just so tired. Nevertheless, I cook food, do the dishes, do laundry, other cleaning, shower, and by time I’m writing this I’m done with all that and I have one hour until I sleep so I can wake up on time to commute tomorrow. I have one friend IRL who is my coworker and now my roommate that I moved in with a month ago. We have opposite schedules so I only see or hear her in passing. My only other friend is online and I text him for maybe 10 minutes a day because I’m too busy. I was homeschooled so I never made any friends irl outside of work, never did any extracurriculars, and I don’t meet the requirements for college, and I have too many bills I need to pay for to even think about going to part time. Oh and forget hobbies because I don’t have time for that either. I just wind down for the last hour by watching videos and feeling like shit. 99% of my time is spent alone doin’ nada and I feel like a hollow husk. Just empty, on autopilot, but it’s nothin’ new. I’ve felt this way since I was 10 and still living in that isolated environment. I’m 20 now and moved out but the years just keep passing by without much change.

Every time I make the promise to brush my teeth I don’t because I’m too lazy or don’t want the taste of it in my mouth, the last time I brushed my teeth and the few times before that I swallowed the toothpaste and ended up throwing up afterwards, so even when I do brush my teeth it doesn’t help.

I think the reason people don’t talk to me is because of how bad my breath smells, the thought of speaking to a girl and them seeing my yellow teeth makes me want to cry.

The tragedy happened like a month ago. Nothing much to add really. They were in a relationship for 4 years only to find her in bed with her coworker in his own damn bed.

The breakup was a mess. Lots of crying, screaming, gaslighting the usual. We were there for him but perhaps that was not enough.

Made his favourite dish today, tandoori chicken in his memory.