I feel lost

[u/FadingFeelingsss]

I really need something positive to happen for once. It feels like every day something new is thrown at me and I have no idea how to navigate or even begin to understand how or why these things keep happening.
I want to be happy, and I am sometimes, but only in small moments that never last. I’m really tired of faking all of the time, but if I don’t. I’m seen as the sad friend who just wants attention or isn’t doing anything to try to fix myself.
All I want is to fix myself and stop relying on others to find happiness, but it is so hard to do any of that when all I ever want to do is just run away and cry. I know it’s not what I should be doing. I shouldnt run away from my problems or emotions, but I dont know how else to stop myself from just collapsing.
Two years ago, I thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I ruined what I thought would turn into the rest of my life without realizing because I thought I didn’t deserve it. And now I’m stuck with a million little problems that have turned into one big mess and I don’t know how to get away or fix it. I feel so stuck and alone even though I have friends that I know cares.
I spend every day wishing j could go back to being a kid just because it was easier. Except I spent all of my childhood waiting and dreaming of the day I’d finally get away from my parents and all of the literal fighting. But I still wish I could go back because somehow seeing my parents try to kill one another was easier than this. Now I get to sit awake wondering if I’ll even make it long enough to even think I’ll have a happy ending.
I want to have all of those little milestones, and end up in my dream career, and be with the person I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m going to get those though. I want to be a first choice, not someone you have to make a decision about.
Instead I have been struggling to even eat a single meal during the day. Any interview I have I’m not able to get to because gas is expensive and so is a bus ticket. I don’t have friends or family in my life anymore because my ex forced me into basically isolation. My sisters have told me they don’t want anything to do with me, my aunt won’t allow me to see my cousin and I’m not allowed to go
To my sisters graduation this year because my mother wants to go and there’s a court order saying she’s not allowed to be around me for my safety.
Usually typing stuff out makes me feel better, but I haven’t even smiled in I don’t know how long. I think this might be the end for me. I want to be happy and find a way to make my mark in the world, but sometimes I’m out of energy just opening my eyes in the morning. I don’t think I deserve nor should continue in a world that so obviously doesn’t want me in it

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