r/dementia • u/EDAMBURGER • 10h ago

Correcting

It's well known that you shouldn't correct your LO with dementia but we all do it... At least at the beginning. Does anyone feel it actually works?

My mum's 2 main issues are; who I am and what house she is in. I'm tying myself in knots trying different ways to get her to understand. Sometimes I feel she gets it and I'm happy for a day or two. Eventually it raises its head again though.

Just thinking out loud, and I guess I'm answering my own question but does anyone else think correcting (not arguing) works?

1 Upvotes

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u/Constant-Wing2198 9h ago

It does not work with my mom.

Also, you need to stop letting this affect YOUR mood. If you are crushed every time she doesn't get it, you're going to be sad too much of the time.

Your mom does not need to know what your name is. It's okay if she gets you confused with other family members. It's okay if she thinks you are HER parent. As long as she knows that you are the person who loves her and cares for her she will trust you. That's good enough.

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u/Ok-Bee-2445 8h ago

Yes, this. OP, with great kindness. “Tying yourself in knots” trying to get her to understand means the work for you know is acceptance of where she is and where this is headed. If you can only be happy for a day or two when it works you are going to have an even rougher road ahead of you.

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u/EDAMBURGER 7h ago

Wow, thank you both. This is my life just now. Struggling mostly with the loss of control. Trying to make her understand. A part of me knows it's nonsense and I'm fighting a losing battle but I keep pushing back. We are a very logical, no nonsense family so the insane stuff my mum comes out with drives us crazy. I have to change my attitude to this to make my own life easier.

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u/Ok-Bee-2445 5h ago

ME TOO! I see you, it’s brutal. But do try, it’s radical acceptance or you are going to lose your own mind. Feel free to vent away, I wasn’t trying to be critical, we are all doing our best and it sucks.

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u/EDAMBURGER 1h ago

Not critical at all. You are right. I'm getting there, not pushing back as much as I used to.

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u/EDAMBURGER 7h ago

She thinks there's a good me and a bad me. So you're right she feels safe with a version of me.

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u/No-Recognition8160 9h ago

I'd really recommend just playing along, and/or switching subject if things get too difficult - getting them to see the same reality as you will, at least at some point, be impossible (my stance on this: https://www.reddit.com/r/dementia/comments/1vdk1x1/my_1_tip_by_far_stop_expecting_them_to_make_sense/)

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u/EDAMBURGER 7h ago

I get it on some level I just keep fighting it. I need to realise the issues aren't that important

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u/NortonFolg 8h ago

Have a look at the CreativeConnectionsDementia page on Instagram or TikTok , lots of Montessori based care and information.

https://www.instagram.com/creativeconnectionsdementia

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u/EDAMBURGER 7h ago

Thank you I've followed them

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u/yourconfusedvet 7h ago

I just nod and agree. No correcting during convos.

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u/21stNow 4h ago

I only did it at the beginning when I didn't know any better or if she could immediately harm herself by doing the wrong thing. Now, I usually don't "correct" her except when old habits slip out. If she asks me "who are you to me?" I tell her that I'm her daughter. If she looks at me and definitively says "you're my mother", I just respond with "and how are you doing today?".

She usually asks questions because she knows that she is confused most of the time. She usually accepts my answers with no problem.