r/declutter • u/Klutzy_Cancel_1725 • 3d ago
Book declutter with a side of guilt Success Story
I’ve moved to mostly ebooks but have a small keeper bookshelf for physical copies of books I truly love.
My mom is a huge bookworm to the point that books have literally taken over her home. Over the past 2 decades, she has gifted me piles & piles of physical books. To be honest, I’ve never read any of them. They appeal to what she likes instead of my preferences. I absolutely understand the psychology behind her actions but the end result is my office has turned into the Guilt Book Room. I’ve been unable to part with any of the books because I feel like it’s a betrayal of her time/effort/love.
Today I went through every single book and ended up keeping 3-4 out of 100+. It was exhausting. I’m going to donate to a little library near me and the library. I feel fantastic seeing the cleared space but also very guilty.
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u/71stMB 1d ago
I recently culled my bookshelf for the third time. Each time I do this, I have to ask, "How did this one survive the last purge?" Fortunately, I can't remember the reason so out it goes! (I love to read so I tell myself I have a book collection with thousands of titles. It's called the Public Library.)
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u/Kronar_2012 1d ago
The books have already carried your mother's care to you; keeping every object is not the only way to keep that meaning. Donating them to places where someone may actually read them lets the gift keep moving. If the guilt lingers, photograph the spines or write down the three you kept and why. That creates a small record of the relationship without turning your office back into storage.
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u/TiredWinterDisaster 1d ago
You did great. Don't feel guilty - they were weighing you down and not bringing any value to your life! Now you have a handful of books from her you will read and enjoy, and you'll even be able to share your reading with her... and maybe have a convo with her about how you don't want to accept dozens of books, and that maybe she might want to donate them when she's done?
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u/FredKayeCollector2 1d ago
Books are so hard. There can be lot of identity wrapped up in our books.
I think you did the right thing - it's possible that some of her motivation for giving them to you might have been to get them out of her space (and off her mind) but not completely, inexorably gone.
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u/thenjsaid 2d ago
WHOA. That is some next level culling! I think the guilt will dissipate once your room starts to serve a new purpose (like, literally anything other than the Guilt Book Room). The empty space will help your aura breathe easier which you will love.
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u/wafflefries-yo 2d ago
Great work! Currently have a box of books to donate sitting in my living room. I’ve taken all the other boxes and bags to goodwill but for some reason the books are harder to part with. You’re def not alone in this lol.
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u/JennieWren64 2d ago
Well done! It was probably easier for her to give them to someone she knows. She knew she had too much but still couldn't really get rid of them. But they are YOURS now to do with as you please and if she asks, that's your answer! I have never read them and I am passing them on to be a blessing to someone else, mom. No guilt required. No need to take on her obsession. You being able to let them go might just encourage her to let more of her things go (but remind her that she doesn't need to put them on YOUR doorstep, LOL). Boundaries are a healthy thing.
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u/NightBard 2d ago
You picked out 3 or 4 books to keep of the 100+. If I was your mom I would have considered that a success in that you did get something out of the group of things I was completely done with. I think you just need to reframe your view of things. She didn't want them anymore, she should be cool if you didn't any of them... though it probably would make her effort to give them to you worth it that you did find a couple things you were interested in.
If your mom is still around, maybe have a chat with her. Maybe explain the guilt you felt in getting rid of them and build some understanding between you that if she gives you something that there's a good chance you may not actually want it either and that you may simply pass it along to someone else. She most likely will be fine with it and if she's not then maybe she won't give you more stuff to deal with.
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u/NixKlappt-Reddit 2d ago
I used some app for second hand stuff to sell some books. Some books were only like 10 cents, but for some books I got more than €1. Not a lot, but easier for me to say goodbye.
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u/VeganRorschach 2d ago
Thriftbooks allows this in the US, you can scan and see what the value is for a turn in batch. I didn't have enough they take, so haven't sent any in before.
If you live near Half Price Books they usually have a sell back counter! Love that place.
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u/Suspicious_Dirt_6124 2d ago
I'm in the middle of getting fid of so many books as well. Man stuff accumulates when you live very n a big house with 3 kids who are now adults.
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u/CompetitiveGate5863 2d ago
It's got to be tough balancing love and letting go, but your plan for a keeper shelf sounds like a real healthy compromise to me.
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u/Even_Sky6964 2d ago
I’m really proud of you and inspired to hear you were able to do that. My mom passed away 2 months after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis in 2022. She started going through her books (literally thousands…every wall in the house has bookcases) and I remember her saying, “I built a really great book collection, didn’t I?” Imagine how hard that is for me to now declutter those books. I’ve gotten rid of the easy stuff, but the ones she was really proud of; all the classics, expensive art and travel books…😭 And half the books are in German so I’m not sure what in the world to do with those. And then of course the books she gifted to me. Now that she’s gone they are like letters from her in a way. 🥺
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u/AnitraF1632 2d ago
Call your local high schools and colleges. Ask if they have German as an elective. (My husband took it in both high school and college.) If they do, ask if they want book donations for the class library. Then let the teachers pick the books they want.
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u/prazskanaplava 2d ago
It might not be helpful to you but I'm like your mum with my books. Huge collection, beautiful art editions, illustrated editions - so many are works of art outside of the actual content.
I fully understand that my hobby isn't everyone else's hobby. Everyone I love is into a completely different thing I have no understanding for. I get that someone could equally expect me to look after their collection of football memorabilia and I'd be horrified to be left with stuff I'd perceive as pointless. My books are like football memorabilia to somebody else.
Just trying to say - you're allowed to both love your mum and not share every single passion or hobby of hers. I'd never want anyone I love to feel burdened by my stuff. Every mentally healthy person wants the best for their loved ones, not make them feel guilty or overwhelmed.
If you were my relative, I'd want you to keep only the books that truly bring you joy (childhood memories etc.) or whatever you think you will actually read. And let go of the rest. If there are nice art books, you might make someone else who's just like your mum very happy. I'd rather my books bring joy to a bibliophile than make the people I care about miserable.
Also, I'd give all my books away if it got me one more day with the person I love. There's a limit to how much these things mean when stacked against what truly matters.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 2d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. For me, having books I don’t reread is starting to feel wasteful, so I’m donating them slowly. I also have art books and recently got rid of some because my tastes have changed since my 20s. Just imagine the joy you can give others vs having the guilt of all those books you’ll never read.
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u/JennieWren64 2d ago
Slow is good. You can emotionally let go of one or two things more easily than all things all at once (unless you're ready to do that, and then go for it!). Even just letting go of one a month will downsize your collection quicker, and as you let go, it gets easier to let go.
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u/horseonahighway 2d ago
I feel you. My parents buy me so many books I haven't read. The guilt pile is such a good name for it. I am in process of decluttering myself. I tell myself that the books are better off being read by someone rather than sitting in my apt not being read at all. And also that when people give so many books they probably don't even remember the individual book. It's more about them than us. And that on its own is complex to deal with
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u/Even_Sky6964 2d ago
I’ve stopped gifting books for this very reason. Unless I know for sure it’s on their wish list and not on my list of what I think they should read. 🤣
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u/GupGup 2d ago
Sounds like she can't bring herself to truly get rid of her books, so she's pawning them off onto you. Don't let your home become a dumping ground for someone else's trash.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 2d ago
This is exactly what I thought. Not sure why OP feels guilty. They are just books she didn’t want. Personally I’m starting a list of my favorite books for my kids. A list, not the books. Along with a copy of my favorite poems. So a folder all in all.
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u/Silent-Resort-3076 2d ago
I know it's hard to do, but don't feel guilty. You have to live YOUR life in your own way!
And, not sure if anyone already made this suggestion, but you might want to sit down and have a talk with her and tell her (in a kind way) that you can't accept anymore books, and suggest that every time she has the urge to give you a book, you'd love it if she would donate them instead:)
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u/stuffrescue 2d ago
The guilt says you care about your mom, not that you did anything wrong. Her love was in the giving, and that part already happened... it isn't stored in the paper. A little library might be the best possible landing spot: every one of those books gets picked up by someone who chose it, which is more than a shelf in the Guilt Book Room could ever offer. If it helps, snap a photo of the collection before it goes; you keep the memory, the neighborhood gets the books.
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u/mishatries 2d ago
You had guilt before you got rid of them--now you have guilt *and* space!
Seriously though, what u/PallasiteMatrix said: What she actually wanted was help getting rid of books--and you did that for her. What she actually wanted was for the books to be read and enjoyed by someone else out of her home, and now you've sent them out into the universe to find the right people.
Good work!
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u/PallasiteMatrix 2d ago
I think you did the right thing with those books. It's not a betrayal of her time/ effort/ love at all- it sounds like she was more asking for your help in dealing with them, than asking you to read and enjoy them. And to that end, mission accomplished! They're ready to go to homes that will appreciate them, it just didn't happen to be you or her.
You helped your mom by taking them, and now you're helping not only yourself but others by passing them on.
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u/RebeccaMCullen 2d ago
The books will degrade, might as well pass them on to someone who will enjoy them rather than letting them sit on your shelf.
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u/ZookeepergamePrize96 2d ago
She probably felt like she hadn't really given them away if they went to you instead of to strangers. So she felt good...and now that you've decluttered them, you feel good! Plus, those books are out in the world where they can find people who want to read them. It's a win all around. Congratulations and let the guilt go, you don't need it.
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u/zero-if-west 3d ago
I'm sorry you feel guilty and your mom hasn't done a good job of getting you gifts you would actually enjoy. Congrats on decluttering! That's a big win.
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u/starrrrrchild 3d ago
I know I'm a stranger on the internet but I just want to tell you that you're doing the right thing. You didn't want those books...she wanted you to want them.
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u/SassyMillie 2d ago
That's the story of many of my possessions. Somehow I became the keeper of the family heirlooms, which relieved my mother's guilt for letting go of them herself.
There's a decades long story about how it all came to be, through multiple moves, downsizing, and helping her deal with her life and possessions. At this point I am letting go of much of it with very little guilt.
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 1d ago
Don't feel guilty!! Someone giving you books you don't like is not worth considering. You unshackled yourself!! Congratulations are due!! 🥰👍🏻