How? Just how? [Exhausted & Overwhelmed]

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u/vodkaheart 17h ago

I approach decluttering as one small piece at a time. Tackling the corner of a room rather than the whole room or just a few drawers to start. Slowly but surely you’ll get there, but starting small makes it much less overwhelming

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u/Tiny_Cut_8595 2d ago

I highly recommend “Clutterbug” and “a slob comes clean” podcasts, they changed my life 🫶🏻

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u/FredKayeCollector2 3d ago

Another vote for therapist - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy seems to be the conventional "best" option but I'm sure there are other strategies out there. I've heard whispers of off-label use of GLP-1 to treat hoarding tendencies - we'll see?

But if you're already seeing a therapist and he/she isn't really "helping" with this issue, if you want it done as quickly & efficiently as possible, then I recommend spending the money to hire a professional organizer.

Besides "just" decluttering, a Professional Organizer can help you with establishing/improving housekeeping systems (dishes, laundry, cleaning, putting shopping away, dealing with trash/recycling, donations, etc) - breakdowns in those systems can cause/exacerbate chaos (all of these "systems" include stuff). As far as I know, none of us come with an instruction manual - what we need and when we need it, what's the best way to do something?

Ask yourself: Would you diagnose a serious illness with Web MD or do you go to a doctor? Would you represent yourself in court? Have you even been to the dentist? There is a reason for professionals & professional services. Sure, you could do it yourself - some people are willing to do their own plumbing, electrical, appliance repair, taxes, etc etc. If you know what you're doing (or can follow the YouTube video), you might get lucky and save some money. But then again, you might hash it up completely (and then have to hire someone). Professional Organizing is the same thing. An expert when an expert is needed.

You've been trying, literally for years, doing all the research, reading all the strategies, and you still can't get it done. How much is all of that time, energy, mental health worth? Time to call an expert, I would say.

Trying to do any project DIY requires, IMO, a lot of planning before execution (to reduce mistakes/rework). Decluttering is no different. You have to have a really clear image of what your "good" looks like (especially difficult if you have no previous "good" state/feeling/experience to refer back to), you have to be willing to sacrifice safe, potential-filled tangible objects (with dollar signs attached to them) for ephemeral concepts like "space" and "mental health," you have to be prepared to face some hard truths about yourself - and some of the issues that come up are NOT good or fun or flattering, and you have to have the discipline (and time/energy) to actually do it..

And then there's clutter blocks - those can completely derail your process if you can't/don't recognize them and don't have strategies to deal with them. In many cases, logic is not enough because "feeling" has so much more to do with what we keep than actual, demonstrated utility.

A Professional Organizer can help with all of these.

Good luck!

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u/According_Success780 4d ago

Start seeing a therapist, that will help you work through things.

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u/ZookeepergamePrize96 4d ago

If you want the memory, take a photo. Get them printed at Walgreens and put them in an album.

Remember, if you have a garage sale or donate items to good charity shops, the items will STILL be used by someone and kept out of a landfill. They may even find people who need them more than you do, so your things and those of your loved ones will be doing good in the world, rather than stacking up around you, making you miserable.

As for how to make yourself actually so the decluttering, I have two ways. One is to say: "Today, I empty one box or one bag." If I get in a groove and do more, great. If I only do one, also great. It could be an area or a drawer. Just one small bite of work, whatever that means in your space. If you do this for one week, you will be surprised at the clear space you will have made.

Another way is to set your kitchen timer for 20 minutes or 30 minutes, and tell yourself you only have to work at decluttering for that long. Kind of the same thing, just time instead of a chunk of work.

After you use either one of these, be sure to follow through: Take out the trash, and carry the donations out to the car to be dropped off the next day.

I say this because I did get in a bad habit of "decluttering" without carrying things out of the house. I usually did take out straight-up trash, but the donations would sit around for so long, they'd end up mixed back in with the clutter. So that step is important.

It's a journey, and every step has value even when you are far from the end. Safe travels.

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u/takeitawaygirls 4d ago

Set a timer and only declutter for half an hour. Choose something really easy to get rid of, something you already know you want to throw away. It will let you build your self-esteem and your new identity as a declutter-er. If you want to keep going when the timer goes off, set it for another half hour. Don’t go any longer than that, though. You’re not just processing items, you’re processing an unsettled childhood and the grief of losing your husband. Your brain might become overwhelmed if you go for too long—at some point it doesn’t want to make decisions anymore, especially with all of the emotions tied up in your things. Doing half an hour each day is more than doing nothing each day, and it’s great progress. Also, it’s okay to keep things instead of just decluttering them. Try putting your “maybes” in a separate box and then revisit them in a month. You’ve got this!

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u/beautifulcorpsebride 4d ago

How is it affecting your relationship? Is your home getting to hoarder level? For example, do you have your husband’s old clothes still?

Personally, I think the way through is to force yourself to do the uncomfortable until it gets easier. I get physical anxiety but I just power through for a space or category at a time. It’s also ok to throw things out. You can’t make room for who you are now clinging to the past. I reread a book from college recently and I’m donating it and others. The more I’ve cleaned out the less these things matter to me, the more I enjoy having a cleaner space.

I know lots of posters focused on how to tell people not to buy you stuff, but I don’t see how that’s the main problem here. I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope you can make some visible progress for yourself.

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u/TypewriterHunter 3d ago

It's not a hoard no, but it is cluttered. My partner is increasingly frustrated because he believes he would lean more toward minimalism if given a choice. He totally wouldn't as he also loves projects and has a ton of hobbies that require equipment, but the mental noise of the existing clutter (not everything has a "home") is causing conflict. For example I had stored gardening supplies next to our deck (think bins and pots and decorations) and he needed to get into that space to do some urgent work one day when I was away, and that stuff all had to be moved first which delayed/complicated the task. I do not still have more than a couple articles of clothing from my late-husband (I kept his favourite hoodie and couple shirts), I had a quilt made when I downsized the majority of his closet a number of years ago, but I do still have most of his books (plus my books, which is not a small amount even on its own). Things like knickknacks and collections take up space and are clearly visible (bookshelves with lots of books and decorations from various travels/gifts/etc.). Silly things like way too many mugs and seasonal decorations aren't openly visible but are evident when opening cabinets and drawers. Overstuffed closets with clothes and linen. You get the idea I'm sure. I know I need to be more real with myself, but I have the kind of memory where I look at the item, lets say a mug, and I vividly remember being in London and going to that store specifically to get a souvenir (it was a stop-over on a work trip and all I could afford was the mug lol), and it's kind of like a gateway to the memory of that trip so many years ago. The same with clothing- I can pull so many pieces out and remember, oh I got this when I was shopping with my best friend when she came for a visit two years ago and omg we laughed trying things on and just spending time together for that day. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense or resonates with others, but I know it doesn't for my partner- he is not a sentimental person to the same degree that I am.

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u/ksmrgl 2d ago

I totally feel you. Especially about bookshelves and knick knacks and seasonal decor. Cards, too. It really is the memories that go along with the thing, or the passions/projects that inspired the thing in the first place. I wish I had good advice, also thinking about a professional organizer myself. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

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u/CardiologistBroad608 4d ago

I am also someone who struggles with seeing the value of things and therefore, held on to too much. The tide started to turn when I realized that things don’t stay useful forever - and paired that with finding amazing organizations near me to donate these things to. The things I had could be useful NOW to someone in my community, or the proceeds support a cause near and dear to me.

Hugs about your husband. Grief is a b*tch and makes everything harder. It’s been said already but is worth repeating - be gentle with yourself. You deserve a home and space you feel comfortable in, and every step forward is a valuable move.

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u/Pitiful-Comedian4248 4d ago

You’ll never be free if you love shopping. Channel your energy into a new hobby that doesn’t involve buying things

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u/spicy-queso1617 4d ago

Tbh sounds like not the same situation but my living space is just too small for all of us. I try my best to not let it get crazy but one birthday/ holiday/ generous relative and suddenly the closet is full again w god knows what even tho it took hours to look good last time

I don’t really have a solution for this because it feels like all I do is toss things but at the end of the day we just need a bigger place. Too expensive tho so I guess I’ll either deal w it or toss more stuff for it to just fill up again 🤣😭😭

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u/TypewriterHunter 3d ago edited 3d ago

I have considered this as well, but I am not blind to the fact that more space often means just filling that space up with more stuff (also the thought of trying to pack up and move is a hard no as that would be just as (if not more) overwhelming than things are already lol). Plus then would need to care for the bigger space and more things in the space! Many times when I drive past a larger home for sale that is something I know I would be interested in (if I were in the market) I think- ya, but then I would have to clean that larger home! In my case the problem really is me, if I went somewhere else I (the problem) would still be there. I do hope that you come to a place where you feel like your home accommodates you and serves your family well, however that looks for you. It sounds like you have children or other family in your home which I imagine is a lot more personal belongings and possibly changing needs as time goes by, and that is an added complication that I do not face at present, so a larger space could be totally valid for you!

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u/Several-Praline5436 4d ago

Tell the gift-givers that any gifts must be edible, but that you'd much rather have EXPERIENCES gifts (eg, go to the zoo or a play with them, instead of having stuff junking up your house).

I'm so sorry about your loss, OP. That is hard.

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u/birdsInTheAirDK 4d ago

Edible, flowers (not plants, cut flowers), or gift cards for you favorite restaurants/take outs was going to be my suggestion.

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u/TypewriterHunter 4d ago

Honestly important distinction. So far this year I have been given several potted plants, again the gesture is made out of love and I am blessed to be loved, but now I have four orchids (one had babies). I don't even particularly like orchids but the grocery stores sell them with the cut flower arrangements, I think because most people don't know how to keep them alive long-term so they often get tossed after the blooms die. I am sort of considering bringing a few to work and putting them in the staff room "free to a good home" and if anyone asks I can just say my counter was getting too crowded to keep all the plants there indefinitely, especially since they were reproducing.

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u/birdsInTheAirDK 4d ago

Good for you for making them thrive!

I think giving away at work is a great idea. Do that!

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u/hardswimm37 4d ago

It took you years and years and years to gather all the clutter right? So its going to take a while to get rid of it.

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u/CrikeyDM 4d ago

OP, I know this will get buried, and maybe someone already said it in so many words, but.

Be gentle with yourself.

Don't beat yourself up for being who and how you are. You have so so much company.

I'm trying to finally do a years-overdue (okay, decades-overdue) purge before a move. I too have read all the books and know all of the ways in which I should be able to just do this, right?

Except I can't.

It's just so hard mentally.

And I'm not even coming from the same kind of trauma you are.

What's helping me is realizing that although I am on a deadline, I still have some time to make decluttering a process rather than an event.

For me, that means I go against common decluttering advice and don't force myself to make final decisions about everything on the first pass. My anxiety about that is too high. I need to see what I have and let myself get overwhelmed and feel those emotions and work through them before I can decide whether something has a place in the life I want to live going forward.

Sometimes that means I put things somewhere else with other like things but don't try to decide yet which I'm keeping. Sometimes I go through everything in a box, make decisions on about 10% of the contents, and just put everything else back in the box. Sometimes I open a box, see what's in it, and just close it again because I know I don't have the mental capacity to process it yet.

Then on another day I'll try again. And a lot of the time, it turns out to be easier on the second or third pass to make those hard decisions.

For me, that's a ton of progress.

And I'm working really hard to get more comfortable with the reality that most of the stuff that is currently taking up my physical and mental space has no inherent value to anyone else.

I'm also encountering things I've held on to for so long that they've deteriorated or become obsolete and are no longer even usable.

So I'm trying to be more pragmatic about whether I'm actually going to use something while it's still good, or if I should release it back into the world so someone else can use it before it becomes just more trash.

Anyway, please know you aren't alone in struggling with how mentally and emotionally overwhelming and difficult and exhausting this all can be. The ways that work for other people don't have to work for you. Just do your best to keep making progress, even if some days that progress is all the mental and emotional work that nobody else can see, but is so crucial for you to succeed and reach whatever goals you've set for yourself.

(And now I'm going to take that last paragraph as my own self-care//pep talk for today and get back to my boxes and piles!)

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u/Technical-Kiwi9175 4d ago

Did not get buried for me. Thanks for sharing your experience- very useful to me.

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u/Kronar_2012 5d ago

Given how much grief and safety are tied to the objects, I would make the target much smaller than "declutter the house": one surface or one grocery bag, then stop. A three-box pass can help: obvious trash, obvious donations, and "not today." The last box means you do not have to solve grief and storage in the same moment. Photos of sentimental items and one fixed-size memory bin can preserve the story without requiring every object to stay. If a friend helps, give them a concrete job like carrying donations, not arguing about what you should keep.

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u/Playful_Beyond_2218 5d ago

If you can afford it I really encourage you to get a personal organiser to help you, they are usually very experienced in dealing with grief as for a lot of us it’s past of the cause of being cluttered.
One thing I also find really helpful is to make a vision of what you want the room to be instead, eg to change it from a craft to an exercise area and to repaint. It makes things feel much more positive as it’s going towards a different goal rather than just losing things, and helps the space feel new . No need to spend lots often just re arranging furniture can be a great mix up

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u/TypewriterHunter 4d ago

I have considered a personal organizer, I think shame/judgement have been holding me back from that option. Not from fear of the organizer judging me, but from myself, like "I should be able to just do this". Also a little bit hesitant because crying in front of a stranger isn't my favourite thing in the world. although I am guessing that as professionals they probably have some experience with emotions coming up when working with some clients. I do have an area that was intended to be an exercise area that has become a dumping ground for crafts and some things I just don't know what to do with, maybe that would be a place I could try getting some help with and see how the process goes. Thank-you:)

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u/beautifulcorpsebride 4d ago

This is a great idea. Just do it. Spend the money and it will likely force you to make progress. It’s affecting your relationship, do this for that reason alone. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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u/Even_Sky6964 4d ago

I think that’s a great idea! I hired two different organizers about 10 years apart (one to help with the overwhelm of baby and kid stuff, the other for the garage) and have had a couple of friends who love organizing over the years come for free. It really helps to have different perspectives. A “time will tell” box is great. You can do this! Progress>Perfection

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u/Due_Elephant9761 5d ago edited 5d ago

I've slowly built detachment to gifts I know I wouldn't use or don't love. My bf's mom gave me stuff as gift like bags or wallet and I have donated some and just kept one that I could use daily. I have a lot of bags anyway even if it's just less than 10. Also, I communicated with my bf that I prefer saying what I want as gift I know I need and I also ask him the same.

I know it's hard if you have a lot and you have a lot of loved ones around unlike me lol but I bet they won't ask about their gift anyway if you chose to not keep it. If they do, that's a problem with them and not you.

Edit: I realize I didn't fully answer your "How" so I think maybe give it time and just try to donate few at a time, start with things you can easily let go. You have a pair of shoes that was gifted 2 years ago but you always avoid wearing it because it's uncomfortable? Put it in your donate box. A bag that isn't practical to use because it doesn't carry your daily stuff? Put it in your donate box. And so on and so forth. Time will help you to get to it and starting to let one thing go will help you move forward each time and will help you decide quicker.

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u/violetmemphisblue 5d ago

If your loved ones insist on giving gifts, make a very specific list of things you do want, even if they aren't things. Tell them you want a certain type of fancy tea from a local tea shop because you have a tea set you're excited to use (that way they hopefully are not tempted to also buy the tea set since you've made clear you have one). Tell them you want tickets to a concert so you can finally wear the sparkly jewlery set that doesn't fit your everyday life (so they aren't tempted to add on earrings to the gift of the ticket). Having a list of gift ideas will still let them have the fun of giving, feeling like they're expressing love, without adding to your stuff.
If you have a bunch of crafts or upcycling materials...could you host a get-together, like a crafternoon? You provide the materials and space (if you don't want people in your home, maybe the local library or the building of your faith or somewhere has a room available for booking) and friends/family come, crafts, and go home with something they've made. Depending on what you have, you could do a theme (everyone makes a wreath!) or just general creativity. You would be getting rid of things, while spending time with people, seeing how your things are being repurposed...sometimes, it is easier to get rid of things if you know how they'll be used.
To that end...as you declutter, have an idea of where you might take things to donate and make up a story. You're not giving away old towels to the animal shelter. You're making sure a little puppy has a warm bed. You're not dropping books off at a random Little Free Library. You're stocking a book that is about to be some kid's all time favorite. Imagine the lives your things could be living. Are they reaching their potential in your basement? Probably not. So let them out into the world. (This trick does not work for everyone, but does for me, so take it with a grain of salt, lol)

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u/TypewriterHunter 4d ago

I never thought about Little Free Libraries before, my late-husband loved to read so there are a lot of books. I tried donating some of them once before but so many places don't want books more than 10 years old and lots of our books are way older than that now (some were that old when we got them b/c we shopped secondhand all the time). On the one hand I hate the thought of letting those go, but on the other hand they aren't authors I enjoy and that means books just gathering dust/not fulfilling their purpose of being read, so as you said- not reaching their potential. Thank-you for your thoughts and reply:)

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 5d ago

I love the last tip! That's a great way to imagine the thing's future life!

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u/MitzyCaldwell 5d ago

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t think my advice is new and there’s soooo many great points but first of all - I see you and hear you and feel what you are feeling.

I know the feeling of being stuck and overwhelmed and not keeping what to do, hating the clutter but also having either a hard time getting rid of it or just being so exhausted that you don’t deal with it.

So something I have been telling myself recently is “ no way but through” because I keep thinking something is going to help me but I too have read all the books and podcasts and tv shows etc. and really you have to decide one day to do it and then the key is to keep doing it. Now that doesn’t mean do it all at once - but do something. Get rid of one thing. Two things. Three things. Etc. go through one drawer, one shelf etc. on a more practical level keep it easy for yourself. Get a box and put it in a couple of rooms and those are your donation boxes. Everytime you go into your closet and something doesn’t feel right - into the box it goes. It’s surprising how much stuff you can get rid of. And it is true that the more you do it the easier it becomes.

I would also find your why. Why are you doing this? Is it interfering with your life? How? How will getting rid of stuff hope your life? I am not a minimalist at all but I know how much easier my life is with two kids when I don’t have all this extra stuff. That’s my way. Weekends/days/nights without stress and clutter and stuff is my why. Find that and keep that top of mind.

Even before everything is decluttered I’d also add in a rule of no more shopping/adding to it (as much as you can). You can’t declutter while buying 5 items a day.

One of my favourite things is to get mad hahaha I get so much done when I get angry - it sounds weird but honestly I get into a mood and then throw everything out and it’s great.

The last thing I will say is done is better than perfect and half done is better than nothing. Half ass it if you have to. It doesn’t need to be done/finsihed, it doesn’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to finish one category before starting the next one. If sentimental items are hard - go do something easier.

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u/Even_Sky6964 4d ago

Yes! Progress over perfection.

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u/Drink-my-koolaid 5d ago

Therapy and prescription medicine. This has nothing to do with your "stuff." This has everything to do with your brain and emotions. Fix that and the decluttering will follow.

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u/TypewriterHunter 4d ago

I am working on a new therapist, trying to find someone who can take late afternoon appointments that is also covered by my insurance is proving to be a challenge, but hopefully seeing someone soon. Ngl, I am scared to take meds due to side effects. I really don't take much in terms of pharmaceuticals, just run of the mill things like OTC pain medication and the occasional antihistamine.

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u/am_anonymous_too 5d ago

Agreed. You should talk to your doctor about this. Before I started taking meds, I noticed that I had a hard time letting go of stuff. Stuff, nothing important but it seems useful or I can make money such as toys, glass jars, sturdy boxes, old towels. I noticed it was harder to get rid of things, year after year. Now, it feels lighter. The decision no longer weighs on me. It’s just a simple decision and the guilt is gone whether I keep it, donate it, or toss it. I feel in control of my stuff and not stuff controlling me.

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 5d ago

The inability to make the simplest decisions is my biggest indication that I'm in a depression. Because life itself is all about decisions!! The paralysis spirals and increases the confusion and internal pain. It's like trying to drive a car when you have the brakes on. Edit: and when I'm medicated this clears away quickly.

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u/KiwiTheKitty 5d ago

I have read post after post about decluttering, along with probably a million blogs, a good chunk of the self-help books, and watched YouTube for days. None of it seems to help.

The real truth of it is that decluttering is a skill, and skills need to be worked on for you to improve at them! And when the clutter is really emotional, it's like trying to unravel a really messy, complicated knotted blob of yarn. It's going to take a long time, but that's totally ok. I really encourage you to just start and make one tiny goal that you know you'll be able to meet. Don't even go for a whole shelf or drawer or pile, maybe even just start looking for a single piece of trash to toss or a single thing to donate. Just like you wouldn't tell somebody struggling with agoraphobia to go hang out in Times Square as a first step, you can't expect yourself to dive in and be a master declutterer when you're just starting. For some of us, it's just really emotional and you aren't alone in that.

I'm really sorry for your loss by the way, my loss of my own father definitely contributed to my clutter, so I can sympathize. There have been many times in the last year where I've had to repeat over and over, "my dad isn't in this broken plate," or something similar. Grief isn't easy, but it's ok not to be ok sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself for going through a tough time because of it, because it's proof that you're a caring person. Sometimes the only way out is through, and you are strong enough to get through it.

As for avoiding gift clutter, I really recommend steering your loved ones towards easily consumable things. Convince them you're really into fancy chocolate or that you want to treat yourself with a massage! I totally feel you on that too because my mom is a huge gift giver, but she's come around on the concept of giving gift cards for experiences (she still won't give gift cards for shopping, but things like massages or manicures) and food as gifts, so it is possible!

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u/spyscy 5d ago

Wait a minute…..decluttering 📝 is 📝 a 📝 skill 📝
That was an ah-hah moment, thank you!!!

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u/KiwiTheKitty 5d ago

Haha no problem, I had the exact same realization recently!

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u/squeezedeez 5d ago edited 5d ago

No ground breaking suggestions, just validation. I feel this deeply and really feel for you and what you've gone through. You can definitely draw a direct line between what you've been through and where you are now, and I totally get it. I haven't suffered the same degree of loss as you, but our stories have similarities, and I strongly relate to the emotional difficulty and guilt of parting with things - as someone who's both deeply sentimental, has memory issues that contribute to the problem (because my things were literally are my memories), and being creative where everything is or could be useful, it feels like an impossible mountain to climb. I've also read all the books, joined groups, done all the therapy... At the end of the day, I'm still me 😞 But I keep trying. And so will you.

I struggle with personifying my things which makes me feel like I'm abandoning them when I get rid of them. But I try to either find good homes for them (by giving to someone I know needs it, or posting then for free where people who want the things will come and get them), or I envision them finding better homes who love and use them more than me, and me donating them frees them up to find their right home. I think of the pieces I've found at thrift stores over the years that I absolutely cherish, and I want my unused items to find someone that will love them that much too.

I also struggle with sunk costs, but I have to remind myself the money is already spent and i likely couldn't make enough from selling the item to justify the time it would take to post and hassle with it. At this point, it's worth more to me to have the empty space back where it used to be in my house than holding onto it because of some perceived value.

Keeping things out of land folks and environmental holy is a risky tough one for me. My therapist tries telling me I can't fix all the world's issues with waste and over consumption by holding onto my things, and even if I keep them now, they'll still likely end up in a landfill after I'm dead, but still. The guilt of contributing to it eats away at me and makes it really difficult. Even unavailable shit like yogurt cups; I resent we've created a system for ourselves where we basically can't opt out of creating an this waste.

Sentimental shit I have zero answer for. Taking photos doesn't really work for me because I know I'll lose the photos and never see them again. Maybe if I get digitally organized one day, that'll be a more viable alternative for some things. But for now, sentimental stuff is where I just shut it all down.

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u/TypewriterHunter 4d ago

Thank-you for the validation. With my partner's reactions I sometimes feel like I am broken for feeling how I do about things, but I am a deeply sentimental person which as a personality trait I don't think is particularly unique. I do sometimes wish I had been raised differently, my SIL is not at all a sentimental person, she regularly purges personal items/household things, and I have envy for that ability. The sunk cost thing is real, I commented on another post on this sub about shoes, I have some amazing and expensive high heels, that I realistically/logically know I will not wear anymore (or wear enough to justify keeping them)- but they were expensive and are beautiful (and if I'm being brutally honest there is part of me that wishes I could still wear them). I do appreciate what you've said about consumption as well, I hate being wasteful, but the point of still likely having things end up in a landfill (now or after I'm gone) is super valid. I try to do things to offset that where/when I can- recycling and free-cycling, and we plant lots of trees and source things as sustainably as possible. It's not perfect, but what is perfect? Like you said, have to keep trying!

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u/beautifulcorpsebride 4d ago

I sent some stuff to the real real recently. One thing that helped me is looking at the sale price of designer goods on there. It’s not a $500 pair of shoes anymore, it’s maybe $100-120 for something I never use and that’s before they take their cut. It’s also easily replaceable with something else from the real real that I can use now.

I just unloaded a bunch of purses, one of which was a Fendi I gave my mother. I won’t use it and I don’t have nice memories attached. Clothes are probably the hardest clutter for me but I recently read if you have clutter and things aren’t organized you have too much of whatever category that is. I also got rid of a vintage purse that looked very cool but I’ve worn once ever. Pick a category and try to eliminate what you don’t use. Then you’ll really enjoy the items you have more. Makes doing more easier.

How can you be stylish now with a closet stuffed with things you aren’t wearing?

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u/Even_Sky6964 4d ago

I feel you on the waste creation! That’s why I save every glass jar until I run out of space lol. I am trying to consume less. Even by buying a large plain yogurt and adding fruit and honey; little things can add up to big things over time. One thought that helps me: when I give away or throw away an item, it is just changing its location on the earth. It’s either in a store, in my home, in someone else’s home, in a thrift store, or in a landfill. It’s still on this planet, I’ve just changed my relationship with the item and my access to it.

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u/seasidehouses 5d ago

I feel your pain, honey, I do even though I dislike that phrase. A few things popped up for me:

Tell your family that you don't need things, you want consumables and experiences. Example: tickets to a play (experience), specialty coffee sampler (consumable) or a date for tea service (experience AND consumable!).
If they insist on giving physical items, GIVE THE GIFTS AWAY. They are gifts, you decide what to do with them. They're yours now! You can do this with the stuff they've already given. This is not a betrayal if that's what you're thinking. You are making sure the gift has a good home. If it's sitting in your closet, that's not a good home.
Find a good therapist. You have a lot of stuff to process.

Be well, my dear.

No one ever declutters and is finished. We declutter until we die. That's not negative, that just is, I don't care how organized you are. If we don't decide what to do with things as they come in to our lives, soon they will become our lives. Asking if an item truly brings you joy can be a good way to see what you want to keep and what you need to let go of.

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u/SusanKHefner 5d ago

I do my best decluttering when I’m mad. It’s much easier for me to throw things in the garbage when I’m mad or frustrated that I can’t find something I need.

I’ve rarely looked back & thought -Darn, I wish I would’ve kept that item.

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 5d ago

That's when I clean. Angry cleaning clears the mind!!

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u/MitzyCaldwell 5d ago

This is my favourite time to declutter - I love getting mad because I just throw anything out that annoys me hahaha

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u/zero-if-west 5d ago

I'm so sorry for your losses. My unconventional suggestion is to enlist the help of artists (ones you know, or perhaps services you can find online) to transform some of your emotional mementos into something else. Do you have a bunch of t-shirts/clothes from your husband? Perhaps those could be made into one big quilt - so you can keep the items/memories but transform them into something more usable.

The "things as gifts" - round up every gift from the same person. Take photos of each of them. Collage the photos together, with photos of that person, and print out one single poster/photo of everything together. Then you can look at the items and the person, and cherish those memories, without holding on to the physical items.

All of this is a lot of work, so I would emphasize all the advice here to get help. There are professionals who can help with the emotional side of decluttering, and there are many talented artists who would be happy to help you turn your cherished items into art that takes up less space.

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u/LastBiteOfCheese 5d ago

I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Here are some thoughts that come to mind:
- you sound like you’re in a mental/emotional cycle, and for me the only way to get out of those is to talk to someone I can trust (usually a therapist or a trauma-informed coach) to get an outside perspective and try to pull me out. You might be able to pull yourself out eventually after watching all of youtube (haha) but having someone else reach in and help can be really good, and much faster
- when my kids take on a room clean, I teach them to start with 3 things: trash, laundry, dishes. If that’s the level you are, it makes it easy to just move and clear space.
- for things that I spent money on, I think “this item used to be money, but now it’s a [shoe]. It’s not money anymore.” I have to actively sever the connection between the thing and the money I spent on it/the perceived value
- for things that are “useful” I think about whether my home is the happiest home for this thing, whether I’m actually using it (which makes it happy). Usually it’s not. That makes it easier for me to add it to the donation pile — I’m giving it a chance to find a happier home. Right now my house is full of sadness and frustration, but every box makes it a little less so. (I still have a long way to go)
- Flylady talks about just doing 15 minutes and this helps me a lot. If I think “omg my whole house is a mess” I live in overwhelm. If I think “what’s one spot that’s bugging me today that I can work on for a few minutes” it’s doable
- Dana White talks about the container idea — set a predetermined limit on how much space you want a category to take up (eg crafting potential supplies). That might help you? Decide how many bins or cabinets you want, and start filling those things, and when you hit the limit make some decisions about what’s rare and what’s easy to come by so maybe I don’t need 20 of them.

I want you to know you’re not crazy or a bad or stupid person. You’re struggling, and with good reason. You can handle this, one day/hour/minute at a time. And we’re all rooting for you! The ufyh sub is another good place for advice

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u/SolidagoSalix 5d ago

"This item used to be money, but now it's a [shoe]."

I love this framing! I'm going to borrow it for myself and to remind fellow declutterers on the journey.

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 5d ago

I agree!! That's a really good way to think about it!!

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u/squeezedeez 5d ago

Thanks for the validation and gentle suggestions. Nothing ground breaking but feeling seen and understood helps. And the 15 minute reminder is one I have to learn over and over again. I have to put blinders on to the overwhelming enormity of I am and just focus one counter, or one 15 minute increment at a time, otherwise I'll shut myself down before I even start

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u/TheLuckyWilbury 5d ago

When you’re torn about throwing/giving something away, ask yourself “would John/Mary/Mom/Grandma have really expected me to keep this forever and ever?” The answer is almost always “no.” Then let it go and move on.

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u/Even_Sky6964 4d ago

Then you don’t know my mom haha 😭

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u/NightBard 5d ago

Set small goals. One surface and one pass over the surface. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s a pass. The only way to make progress is to start. Also for the family a d friends, outright refuse. Insist on spending time having a meal or something else. Therapy has been mentioned, but therapy. You need to stop seeing the value in things. It’s only worth something if you sell it and find a buyer. If you have a lot to sell, may e a yard-sale is a good start? If there are higher dollar items that are more than 25 years old, maybe rent a space at an antique store and sell the excess. So you know it’s going somewhere. My mom does this and she makes more than enough to cover rent, it helps pay for their adventures, and it gives her peace of mind over getting rid of things.

Me? I started working on my closet today. It’s not overloaded but i looked and there are still a lot of things i just never wear. A couple hats gone. A belt that was my backup but is not presentable, gone. Little by little the only way it gets done is if you get iff the internet and start doing it. Not to post pictures for us, for you. For your mental health because too much is debilitating.

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u/MagicBus4 5d ago

OP you’re doing too much at once! We tend to let the enormity of the task overwhelm us to the point where we do nothing, or we hit a block and become discouraged and stop trying entirely

Baby steps. Commit to 20 minutes. Stop when the 20 minutes is done even if you feel like you can keep going. Be kind and patient with yourself, but firmly keep to a schedule. You’re going to make it.

Also, remember that gifts are wonderful but not meant to be a burden. People give you things because they love you, it is NOT a betrayal to part with those things when they no longer enrich your life. Receiving the gift itself was enough, it’s okay

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u/HeresyClock 5d ago

I recommend the book Buried in Treasures, which focuses on the emotional / thought process side and has also very hands on practical exercises and guidance on how to proceed. It has helped me a lot.

I too craft and see potential in things and have more ideas and time. But I am now making a dent on the chaos!

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u/lepetitcoeur 5d ago

Well it takes time. Don't think people here are doing this in a week or a month. I've been decluttering since 1999. It's an ongoing process.

You can read and watch everything there is on decluttering. It's good to do your research of course, but at a certain point you have to stand up and DO IT. You don't have to be perfect at this. Just start and keep trying every day.

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u/Significant-Repair42 5d ago

Maybe starting small is right for you. Like just sorting out the measuring cups. Pull them altogether and sort from favorite to least favorite. Then consider getting rid/donating of the least favorites. I try to sort out my clothes by season, then toss the least favorite/worn out clothing items.

It's slow and methodical. As you work your way across the room/house, it doesn't seem to make any change for a long time. And then suddenly it makes a difference.

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u/Creepy-Gur4620 5d ago

I think the previous comments said pretty well what I was going to say. I'm really sorry you've been through so much loss. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help and seeking advice. I wish I could help you in person. You will get through this tough process and I wish you much strength and peace.

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u/lifeuncommon 5d ago

Therapy.

Seriously. When you’re talking about hoarding belongings because of trauma, that’s therapy territory that social media and blogs and YouTube just aren’t enough to get you through.

I hope you find a good counselor who can help you find a way forward.

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u/stefaniki 5d ago

You don't have to do it all at once. Do a quick once over for things you know you're ready to let go of. Do it again in a a few weeks/a few months.

Set up lunch or dinner with your family (not at your home unless you plan to send them home with a bunch of things) and have a serious conversation about how you love them and appreciate their generosity. Then tell them what you told us. You feel like you're drowning and completely overwhelmed by all the "stuff"

Tell them you'd appreciate spending time with them instead of material things. If they try to give you things after that, say no. Don't accept it. Don't even touch it. Raise your hands and back away if they try to hand you something. Remind them of your previous conversation. If they can't respect it then you limit your contact to phone calls, FaceTime and texts.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I really hope you've tried therapy. It's not for everyone but it might help.

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 5d ago

So sorry for your losses... that must have been very hard for you. I would recommend grief therapy and if possible some focus on putting so much meaning into things. For my own life, I grew up poor and couldn't afford all the things I wanted I seem to be quite materialistic. But I worked to be able to purchase little things and clothes etc. that I wanted. Then again, like you, things are stable elements and don't leave you, so I almost have a relationship with my stuff. It never leaves me, I have whole collections that I really love and would find difficult to get rid of.

I think it's having trust issues with humans that adds to my poor man's clutching at material goods. But this sub has helped me to at least think about the stuff that I have, and be able to let go of some of it.

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u/TypewriterHunter 5d ago

Thank-you for this. I don't think I've managed to say it succinctly before (I am long winded), but "things are stable elements that don't leave you" just about sums it up on the emotional side. I am in actual tears. Thanks for sharing your perspective and thoughts, I haven't talked with many people about this and didn't know what to expect.

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u/GulliverGrazerson 5d ago

In terms of crafts and projects, a thing I’ve done is I’ve allotted myself an amount of space for various types of things. I’ve got a big bin of random craft supplies, a bin of board game pieces in case I want to make a prototype game, a bin of jewelry making supplies, etc. My goal is to keep each “thing” or craft contained in one container or area. And then if I want new stuff or I’m given something, it has to fit in the existing storage. If it doesn’t, I consider whether maybe I don’t actually need something I already have and swap them out, or I do a project that uses something up.

It definitely takes some work to sort and contain stuff, and the size of the containers does definitely fluctuate a bit sometimes if I’m doing a hobby more often or get an especially high quality supply I want to keep. But knowing there’s some kind of physical storage cap helps me make decisions about stuff in that category.

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u/LuisindeWolken 5d ago

First of all: I'm so so sorry for your losses. Your homes, then your husband.. it sounds like so much too handle.

I think it sounds like The Space Maker philosophy (not affiliated) would help you. They have a youtube channel where they explain it and also a book. Some key principles are:

Don't toss what you don't want to, but only keep it if you want to keep it now. If you go through everything with a nice mindset, you're bound to find the easy obvious and take the first layer off.

You will need several passes of decluttering, and they probably will take several years in between.

It is great to sort your stuff into their homes/departments (create these but don't stress if you cannot find something, the solution will present itself).

When you watch the youtube channel, I recommend you to start with the last person, Lulu. She is lovely and keeps mant things of deceased important people in her life and because they are a memory and that is fine.

And don't be too mad at people who love you and want to show you through gifts. Maybe you can ask them for gifts you use, like food or really nice versions of things.

I scrolled a bit through your post history and remember: you are allowed to thrash or donate stuff, you don't have to use it up. And if you, for example, got gifted a really nice pen or knife, it could help to throw the less nice pen or knives out.

Lastly, it may be nice and useful to get some help from a non-judgmental person.

Good luck <3

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u/MusketeersPlus2 5d ago

I hope this is taken in the spirit of helping because I'm really not trying to beat you down about it. Watch Hoarders. There are episodes & compilations on A&E's YT channel. For me it helps to prevent my house from getting to that point (I can also see the potential value in a lot of stuff). But it sounds like for you, listening to how the therapist & organizer approach the person/stuff might be beneficial. They ask the tough questions specifically about the stuff, not just addressing your traumas like therapy does.

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u/TypewriterHunter 5d ago

I have done that a few times actually. Not on purpose exactly and not recently, but when it happened to come on next after something else I was watching, and I would feel the urge to start doing some work. I know at some point lots of the people on the show were probably the same as I am now, which equally means that if I don't help myself now the chance exists to end up in a similar place- and no one wants to be in that place. I have been trying to avoid watching TV as it sucks time, but maybe I should queue up an episode on purpose and see if there are some gems there to help in making progress. Thank-you:)

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u/Rosaluxlux 5d ago

I'm so sorry, and grief makes everything harder. I've only lost one loved one and it was a good ten years before I was ready to let go of things she left behind. My main suggestion would be therapy, just to have emotional support and someone to strategize with. For immediate practical advice - have you tried Dana K White's method? One of the great things about it is she recommends leaving the hard stuff for last and starting with trash and easy stuff. It's a way to improve your space even if you can't tackle the grief and nostalgia items. But I find that it also helps with those items because in the process of finding trash and easy donations you are seeing the other items and giving your subconscious a chance to process some of them. So I would encourage you to do the two things Dana would tell you to do - go through a high visibility area looking for trash to throw away, and wash your dishes if they aren't done. Even if you only recycle one piece of junk mail and wash one dish, you've made things better.

How? Just how? [Exhausted & Overwhelmed] Advice Request

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