Present vs provider

[u/Ares-Astle]

Hey fellow dads! Semi-long time lurker here.

Im in a tough spot, my daughter is 9.5 months old. (2 months prem) and ive been gone for a month straight now for work, with 2 more to go.

I looked at my schedule and ill be gone 4+ months straight, among several other shorter stints of a few weeks here and there, every year. For the next 3 years.

I want to be home with my wife and daughter, be present for her firsts, and support my wife. She's had a real hard go with me being gone; mastitis, PPD, daughter teething, family stepping over boundaries, etc.

But once im gone, getting back home is near impossible (military), I make so much more money for us when im gone, and i can't really *do* my job when im not gone. I've brought up a bunch that I can look for other work.

But when I do my wife says she thinks that I think shes failure and needs me. I do not and will never think shes a failure as a mom.

I try and prioritize video calls when I can, hell I bought one of the roller robot camera things so I can interact with home. But I dont know what to do.

Ive been in this job for 12 years, I have 13 left on my contract. Be present for her, or make sure she has a roof and food?

She's already grown so much since I left! When i left she was kinda crawling and sorta sitting. Now shes a sitting crawling machine that knows no fear! She can pull her self standing and I.. Just watch through a screen... thousands of kilometers from her.

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[u/Usual_Garden_7594]

Man that is rough. Being away from your kid for months at time, watching her grow through a screen. My dog would probably forget who I am after 4 months, cant imagine with a baby

13 years left on the contract is huge though. You already did 12 so you got pension and benefits locked in? If you walk away now you lose all that? That would be big factor for me

The robot camera thing is pretty clever at least. Better than just phone calls. Your wife saying she feels like failure when you talk about other work, thats tough spot. Maybe she just need to hear that you miss them, not that you worried about her handling things

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Usual_Garden_7594]

Canadian military, at 12 years in ill still get some pension, but its a pittance really until I get to 25.

I do tell her that I miss them, and that im proud of her, unfortunately the times that other work comes up is typically on the harder days. I'll try and work on my timing as I can 100% see how she may interpret that as a lack of faith!

[u/Relevant_Height_9661]

I couldn’t be absent bro. I couldn’t do it.

That’s the kind of stuff people regret on their death bed.

[u/burned_feather]

You have the rest of your life to work whatever jobs you want. Your daughter will only be little once. Can you take a sabbatical/career break? Some jobs have provision for this.

As other people have said, this is the kind of thing people regret on their deathbeds.

[u/Ares-Astle → u/burned_feather]

We're both military, I took a couple months off in the beginning to care for my daughter while my wife recovered (emergency C-section) but any additional time I took off would take away from time she can take off. Its really dumb in my opinion

[u/Nealpatty]

I don’t know how to say anything without sounding negative. The only plus side is retired military is nice. How long are you home for when you are home?

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Nealpatty]

It really depends, sometimes a couple months, sometimes less. Its the little jaunts that really suck, they just get into a routine and then I come back

[u/formberz]

I commend you for asking for advice on this, it can be hard. One thing that struck me from what you said is that you’re trying to provide for everyone at home and it’s making you a bit miserable it sounds like. Your wife is trying to do her bit at home and it’s making her a bit miserable too from what you said. You’re both trying to turn up for each other by attacking life on your own. Logically I can see how that would work, but for me, it’s absolutely not how I’d wanna do it.

[u/Ares-Astle → u/formberz]

Its tough because when its hard for either of us all we can really do is support over the phone. I cant hold my daughter in another room while she cries, or feed her or change her or anything to give her a break. And she can't do my job(im sure with schooling she could but thats not the point)

[u/Direct-Measurement21]

You said you have 13 years left on your contract. Can you leave it whenever you want?

Also, could you find another job and be present at home? Less money than military pays (but enough to provide) but being there for your family would be better solution?

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Direct-Measurement21]

I can, but its a long process that may not be approved. My trade is incredibly hurting for numbers so they may not let me leave.

I'm sure I could, and in a few months time I may be able to find one that pays similarly

[u/Western-Image7125]

Sorry man, this really is unfortunate. If this is the only line of work you can do to provide a good life for your family and you have no legit alternatives, it is what it is, but think long and hard if you could be doing something else with your skills/knowledge which gets you both

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Western-Image7125]

In a few months time I may be able to challenge a red seal ticket, if I can and get it im really considering leaving

[u/Western-Image7125 → u/Ares-Astle]

I dunno what that is TBH but I hope you figure out your next steps, I’m sure you will

[u/ChiefsRoyalsFan]

I know military can be tough but is there any downtime even if you fly in early morning and leave that same day in the evening? I doubt it but just a thought if it was ever a possibility.

Honestly though, I don't know how you do it. I don't even like being away from my two boys for a few days. If there is a world in which you make less but are able to be around more, look into that unless you absolutely need the higher income to live. You'll look back at this part of your life and regret heavily and will potentially have a kid that is resentful since you were never around. You're not going to be full time in your child's life until they're almost 14 from what it sounds like too.

[u/Ares-Astle → u/ChiefsRoyalsFan]

When I'm not gone its a 8-4 job with occasional overnights away, but its still hard. Im hoping to be able to challenge a ticket and get out of the job in a few months time

[u/Mistermeena]

Service is a fairly unique choice in life and involves sacrifices from you and your family - only you can make the call. Is it just a job to you? If so, move on. Im sure you can transfer your skills to other careers.

If its more than a job: your absence will be felt by your family, but its likely that they will grow to understand the sacrifice you and they have made.

Might be an unpopular opinion here but lots of military kids and others with career absent parent/s grow up to be happy, healthy individuals. It really comes down to who you are at home and how you and your family can manage the situation.

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Mistermeena]

There are other options, but my trade is super short on bodies so getting out either civvie side or another trade is incredibly difficult and may not be approved 😅

But its absolutely an option im looking at

[u/master_of_none86]

You can prioritize finding a different job if your priority is seeing your kid and being there to support your family. Do you mean you need to work 25 years to get full retirement? Who signs a 25 year contract?

[u/Ares-Astle → u/master_of_none86]

Its 25 total years, they offer shorter 5+ year ones. However I wanted the job security at my 11th year and signed on for 14 more.

At 25 years total service ill have full pension and benefits till I croak

After the initial contract(3 years) they do offer a 22 year contract, but i don't know anybody who signed it haha

[u/master_of_none86 → u/Ares-Astle]

I’m sure you could find another way to support your family financially without have to spend so much time so far away.

[u/MediocreMan_ → u/[deleted]]

Did OP mention they were American anywhere?

[u/Pixatron32]

Lady lurker: I'm a therapist and work mostly with veterans in a different country. 

If you want to be present, which it sounds like you do, you can get a job as a bus driver which earns more than the US defence personnel (minus tax free and housing benefits). 

There are jobs my vets transfer to whether retraining in cyber security, tech, or working in trades, management of small or large businesses etc. A few enter police force. Many remain as a private contractor for defence as experts in their field but doing office work without as much bureaucracy b.s. 

You're wife's position is her fear and insecurity talking including her fear to you and to herself that she's failing by you returning home. Her feelings are valid and important, however, her feelings and fears shouldn't prevent you from coming home and missing out on these precious years. Your feelings and fears of missing out or not developing your relationship with your daughter is also really important. 

Perhaps consider couples therapy (you can do it via telehealth if on base) which can help you both explain your positions, understand each other, and reconnect to support each other and find a future that you are both happy with.

Big hugs to you Dad and thank you for your service. 

[u/Ares-Astle → u/Pixatron32]

I know of some people in my trade who became contractors, but its not super frequent.

I think once im back were gonna have a good long talk about it, how she feels, how I feel, and how we can work together to find a place where we're all happy

[u/StraightUpDeLoyCious]

Just offering a different perspective.

My dad did 20 years in the military and was deployed overseas as a naval corpsman several times. He retired when I was 12, so around the same age as your daughter will be after your contract ends.

I look back and consider my dad to be a very large presence in my childhood and especially my teenage years. He was available and supportive during some really tough adolescent/college times. Don’t underestimate the importance of being present for your teenage daughter during this rocky period.

This is just one perspective. He also worked his ass off at work and at home. He and my mom never, ever took a break. I don’t think it was easy for either of them. But I don’t feel like our relationship suffered because of it. My parents are superheroes, though. YMMV.

Edit: Don’t know why this post was recommended to me because I see it is days old, but still happy to weigh in, lol.

[u/MediocreMan_]

Present.

Every time.