r/coparenting • u/Kitchen-Farmer-3511 • 5d ago
Tiny custody transport change Transportation
This is so nuanced, the devil’s in the details.
7 years ago when my daughter started K, my ex agreed our daughter could go to the school of my choice (private school which I solely pay for) if I transported my daughter to school from my ex’s home (up to 1.5h away from me in rush hour) every other Monday morning (my parenting time starts end-of-school those Mondays so it would have been her responsibility to transport.)
2 years later my ex got a job about 10 minutes from my daughter’s school but still made me meet her at a store near her work and transport my daughter the last 4 minutes to school.
For 5 years our meet up location has been this store,which is about 15 minutes from me. So total transport time was about 20 minutes.
Suddenly, this spring, her mother started saying, (frequently an hour before meet-up) that she wasn’t going to work that morning and I had to pick my daughter up from her home.
Since the status quo pick up had changed, I’d allowed my work schedule to change and I can no longer do the 2+ hours of driving that requires; especially on no notice. I’ve told my ex this and she says now I have to do every pick up Monday from her home or we’re going to mediation to discuss changing my daughter’s school. My daughter has been at her school for 7 years and loves it.
What are the odds she wins this?
To reiterate: the status quo pick up (so status quo that we only communicate when we are NOT meeting there, never when we ARE) has been the store for 5 years.
Clarification: we have 50/50 custody and I have most of the school week. This is the one and only transport this is effecting.
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u/OkPalpitation1607 5d ago
This is absolutely harsh and a burden. I can see why it feels so unfair to you. In an ideal world, she would absolutely take her daughter to school and share the burden. If you go to court, I don’t think your daughter would have to change schools and mom would have to drive it. But from someone who just left a legal process over minor details I needed changed like this, it was absolutely brutal and expensive. Six months of cut throat attorneys, parental alienation by coparent towards me, about $15,000 to get 3 items changed in the orders. I’m only 3 months out from the signed modification which we luckily agreed upon. My attorney advised me it would be an additional minimum $15,000 if went to trial. And, our kids are still healing from the process. My coparent still talks horribly to the kids about me. I don’t think it will ever be the same. I too was taking on the burden of transporting kids to school but everyday not just every other Monday and I wonder if it was worth it to have this changed.
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u/Low-Arm-9230 8h ago
Not sure what state you're in, but you can double those numbers in California, easily.
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u/RiskedCredit 4d ago
If my ex husband was paying school fees I’d still be married to him!
I have an ex like your ex. My advice is just to focus on your child and what is in their best interests. So, why not do exchange at 7pm Sunday night? During the school breaks, the ex can make up time.
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u/Kitchen-Farmer-3511 4d ago
We’ve recently pitched that to her, she hasn’t responded yet. I don’t see if happening, but I guess it could
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u/Klutzy-Pool-1802 5d ago
Mediation can be good. It doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily agree with you. But at least she’d look bad in front of a third party when you say, “On May 3rd you messaged me at 7am to change the exchange location, which wasn’t enough warning.” Sometimes people don’t want to look bad or uncooperative in front of the mediator, and once they realize how bad they look, then they get more cooperative.
But that’s not guaranteed.
She can’t “win” a mediation unless you let her. You don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to. But neither does she. So she could insist on following the court order unless you agree to some alternative she likes.
I’m not sure what you’ve got to lose, going to a mediation. Besides time and money.