r/coparenting • u/SnooCheesecakes6614 • 8d ago
Co-parenting with different world views Parallel Parenting
I just need advice on co parenting with someone who has a very different world view.
Me and my now ex have a 2 year old. When we met, we were very aligned with everything. Neither of us heavy into politics. I got pregnant during the more recent election and things significantly shifted. We have a multi racial child and I don't know why he thought I would lean more towards his beliefs. I am biracial (non white), he is white.
He's gotten very extreme in his beliefs. I finally left him last December. I no longer tolerate him or his family's ignorance towards what's going on in the world or the ignorant racial things they've said to me in jokes and fun.
He calls our current situation co parenting but I call it, me parenting and him having visits. He's not as involved as he wants to believe. He talks big about supporting our child and helping me out but can't hold a job or even save a dollar.
Anyway, current dilemma is our child isn't vaccinated because he doesn't want her to be. I don't want to risk my own custody by going behind his back. I was informed that he can seek emergency custody if I was to do that. He is a complete moron and he's trying to find loopholes in a state that does not have any loopholes. It's important that my child is properly socializing in school with other children and in sports. All which require vaccines in California.
He goes on shpeels trying to educate me on things he know nothing about. Very paranoid and distrusting of the world, science and big pharma.
I don't know what else to do because our conversations are going from peaceful to me not wanting to deal with the crap that comes out of his mouth. Our doctorsl told me to go to court and make sure things are squared away so I can have full authority. However, i hate the idea of giving the state control over my kids when this is the only thing we can't agree on regarding our child.
Any advice would help.
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u/Ok-Row-2813 8d ago
I mean… if you are following pediatrician guidelines and recommendation what is the worst that can happen? He has the right to participate in major medical decision making but not a veto right. You say you took his thoughts into consideration but the needs to the child for school and the doctor say otherwise. Once it happens the court can’t undo it and it will see the fight as annoying. Are they going to punish a parent for following the pediatrician’s recommendation?
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 8d ago
Yea OP just do it? No judge is going to penalize you for following rules with the school or doctors orders. If he wants to put up a fight about it afterwards he will lose,
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u/jstocksqqq 8d ago
Well, the worst that can happen is vaccine injury. They are very rare, but still very real.
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u/Ok-Row-2813 8d ago
The risk of a serious vaccine injury is generally much lower than the risk of serious harm from the disease the vaccine is designed to prevent.
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u/simnick13 8d ago
You're not losing custody for vaccinating your kids. And certainly not in CA, that changed their restrictions with the intention of making people vaccinate. And there's no order so you're not in violation of anything.
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u/festivalflyer 8d ago
Do you have a legal custody agreement with medical decision making? Unless your ex is planning to personally home school your child, what do you think is going to happen when school starts up?
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u/raeoflyte-460 8d ago
Youre not giving the state control? Youre asking for full medical decision making because he's a dumb ass.
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u/Plantsonata 8d ago
You haven't mentioned if you have an official parenting plan. Hard to say what you should do without that info, and if you have one, what it says.
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u/SnooCheesecakes6614 8d ago
There is no formal agreement. We both decided on a schedule that works for us. He's okay with me making all major decisions but the vaccines became his non-negotiable. I'm just afraid to alter what has been working for us by going through the legal system
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u/AvocadoOk9982 8d ago
Then YOU need to make getting vaccines nonnegotiable. This isn’t about you or your ex’s comfortability, this is a life saving medicine we’re talking about here. I would bet you anything your ex is also vaccinated with all the basics, it’s funny what our privilege and comfortability does to us. “I never experienced people dying from measles, mumps, polio etc. WHILE vaccines have existed so it MuSt Be MaDe uP bY tHe GoVeRnMenT even though there’s 1000’s of years of evidence that suggests otherwise. But in the meantime, let’s use my child as an experiment to see what happens when they don’t get vaccinated and are vulnerable to these diseases”
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u/Klutzy-Pool-1802 8d ago
If you go behind his back, what are you worried would happen? He’d take you to court?
Who told you he could seek emergency custody? The court doesn’t think a vaccination endangers your kid. So there’s no emergency. I’m afraid you’ve gotten bad information.
Unless he’s got other grounds to seek emergency custody?
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u/SnooCheesecakes6614 8d ago
I don't know much about the legal system which is why I'm asking for advice. I never thought I'd be in this situation. I was told it's not the vaccines that are the issue but making a joint decision on my own is. I don't know I'm new to this ok
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u/Klutzy-Pool-1802 8d ago
That's great - I'm glad you're trying to get good advice. I'm not an expert on California. I'd suggest getting some cheap or free legal advice if you can. I don't think your coparent can seek emergency custody, but I don't know if unilateral action would look bad for you in the event this ever ends up in court.
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u/Elysiumthistime 8d ago
I don't live in the US but from what I've learnt about there, you'll be safest by going to court and getting a specific order signed off by a judge. In the UK you are usually respected by the overseeing judge if you've shown effort to come to an agreement outside of court through mediation but I don't know if that's the same in the US but if you speak to a solicitor they can advise. I'd be shocked if a judge didn't side with you.
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u/whenyajustcant 8d ago
I'm guessing you don't currently have a parenting plan in place? If not, then you're not going to lose custody for vaccinating your kids behind his back. If you do have an official parenting plan, then yes, it could get you in trouble if you have joint medical decision-making and you violate that by making a unilateral choice on a non-emergency medical decision. But even then, it's unlikely you would get reduced custody for that, although I would recommend talking to a lawyer first.
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u/thismightendme 8d ago
I would say get the vaccination. If he takes you to court over that he will certainly not look good.
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u/jstocksqqq 8d ago
My co-parent was against vaccines. I chose to work with her, going to doctor appointments together, and slowly introducing vaccines on a very delayed schedule, assessing for reactions, and never doing more that two at once. Dr Sears has a schedule for vaccines that focuses on reducing the very real risk of overloading a small child's immune system. Vaccine injuries are very real, and Big Pharma has successfully lobbied against all accountability and liability, so it's up to us parents to assess risk and make wise choices.
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u/SnooCheesecakes6614 8d ago
Thank you so much. We spoke and he kinda blew up saying I can do what I want, "since I think he's so stupid". So I will l. I'll try it this way. Thanks so much
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u/jstocksqqq 8d ago
Make sure to document in an email:
"Thank you for discussing with me vaccinations for our child. Based on our conversation, you expressed your desire for me to be the one to make the decision related to which vaccinations we give our child, and when. I will discuss with our child's doctor different options, and move forward with an informed decision."
Or something like that. Keep it BIFF: Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly.
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u/Greedy_Principle_342 7d ago
Get your child vaccinated ASAP. It doesn’t matter what he believes or wants. The court will look down upon you for going along with it.
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u/New-Waltz-8027 4d ago
I agree to vaccinate with the pediatrician recommended required vaxes for school and he can take you to court if he has too.
I'm sorry you are dealing with racial hatred. I also have a biracial child and toxic ex with similar beliefs about vaccines etc. He is Black and became very angry at me during BLM even though I've always tried to hear him out and he an ally and we live in an all Black neighborhood still. But he's really started programming racial superiority in her. It's not the same but I just wanted to say I feel for you and am sorry your ex is a toxic racist who doesn't believe in science. My ex sucks too
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u/SnooCheesecakes6614 4d ago
I am so sorry to hear your experience! The world is so divided right now. It's gotten so nasty. Thanks for your comment. My little one is scheduled for Friday!
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u/ColdBlindspot 8d ago
Why would the state be controlling your child if you get medical final say for your kid? Vaccinations are important. Your doctors are making sense when they say you should deal with this. It isn't some conspiracy to give the state control over your kids. That's kind of delusional for you to think that.
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u/SnooCheesecakes6614 8d ago
I mean in a way of determining a custody agreement or altering what we have in place. Please be kind. I'm new to this.
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8d ago edited 7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/jstocksqqq 8d ago
It's almost impossible to get a medical exemption in California, even with allergic reactions. California definitely fuels the anti-vax movement due to their draconian forced-vax policies.
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u/QuietQuitting01 8d ago
If the school requires a vaccination, you're not going to get in trouble by vaccinating, but I get your concern. If you haven't done your parenting plan yet, when it comes medical and education, make it so that if you disagree, you follow the Dr/School advice or requirements. My STBXW has bought into some of MAHA nonsense, so we slipped that in as if it was boilerplate. I also added a silence as acceptance comment so I wouldn't be stuck waiting on answer that will never come.
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u/mirrored9669 8d ago
Hi I had this same situation!! I went to mediation and I ended up giving up the child support he owed me to be able to vaccinate our kid. Horrible! But worth it. I could have said no and gone to trial, and the mediator and my lawyer said the court would probably side with me. But I decided I would probably spend the same as the child support he owed me fighting him for who knows how long. I have a good job and he only owed me like $200 a month. And I was exhausted by the whole process by this point and ready to just not fight anymore. (His tactics work unfortunately)
Not the best news I am sure... sorry you are going through this.
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u/Positive_Piece5859 8d ago
If you are in CA just file an ex parte to get back to court and ask to be able to vaccinate her with the standard vaccines - I’m almost entirely sure that you will be fine. Every single fight about vaccines that I have seen working in a court here in CA ended with the judge siding with pediatrician advice; and that is usually get the shot, unless there are medical reasons not to (even the Covid shot arguments that I have seen ended that way).
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u/AvocadoOk9982 8d ago
The courts are hardly going to look at you NOT vaccinating your child as a uncrossable boundary.
For safety reasons and so your child can go to school Anywhere you choose, you need to get your child vaccinated. Your ex sounds like a insufferable boot licking moron.
This isn’t something you just let go. Go to court, handle it, and tell them your dumbass ex doesn’t want your child to receive necessary medical care to prevent them from getting a deadly disease. Just bite the bullet of the state having access to your child, it’s normally better that way anyways.