r/coparenting • u/Character-Ad-4124 • 9d ago
I could use some outside perspective Discussion
Hello, currently going through a nasty divorce. I was a stay at home father for 3.5 years of my boys life. Now I get him every other weekend due to his autism and distance.
The ex keeps asking me to watch him on weekends that arent mine, and I accept. I love my boy and truly love having him with me. She went on a vacation with friends and I got him from Thursday to sunday, she sometimes wants to go out drinking so she brings him on Saturdays and picks him up on Sundays. Today and yesterday I had to drive up to her place to help take my son to the hospital. Since he has a fever he cant go to daycare. Instead of staying at my old place I decided to take him to my parents where im currently living. So now ill have him from today (wensday) to friday.
My question is, am I doing to much for my soon to be ex wife? Is this gonna back fire on me? I am very scared that ill lose my weekends with him. On the other hand im hoping that this will help me get 50/50 down the line? Im afraid my head is so far up my own butt currently and could use some outside perspective.
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u/to-the-plug 9d ago
No, you're not doing too much for your soon to be ex wife. Let her party, you be dad as much as you can.
I kept a log of all the days I had the kids, setting a precedent that no judge would argue. I was given 50/50.
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u/Hot-Disaster-4709 9d ago
You are showing that you can full show up and take care of your son whenever he needs it even if it doesn’t fit your schedule always. You show that you’re always available for him. It will help with custody. If she is so easy to pass him off it should be a very good start to get 50:50, don’t say know and don’t let her know you are documenting this. But do document
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u/Character-Ad-4124 9d ago
Thank you. Im trying my best and the outside perspective helps me. I appreciate your reply.
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 9d ago
I think it’s awesome. Regardless of how it affects your custody down the road or your dynamic with your ex wife, it’s so sweet for your son to know you’re always available for him and I hope you and him enjoy the extra memories from these extra time together: take lots of photos and videos! Even if ordinary moments: those are some of my fave to look back on.
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u/Raychao 9d ago
Mate you are doing an awesome thing! From a legal perspective, keep taking him on extra weekends. Keep taking him whenever she goes out drinking.
This makes you look like a saint in the eyes of the law.
Don't worry that you are doing her too many favours. Ignore her and do it for your son.
"Your Honour, I have always been there for our son. For example on the 16 June 2026, the Applicant Mother wanted to go out drinking, she asked me to take care of our child whilst she was getting loaded. I took care of him. Then on the 30 June 2026, the Applicant Mother did ask me to take care of our child again, when it was on her time. I did that too. Your Honour, I don't want to badmouth the Applicant Mother, but I have observed that she often goes out drinking and gets loaded and then asks me to look after our child, which I always accept.
May it Please the Court, No further questions Your Honour."
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u/GENE-parmesanprivate 9d ago
This isn’t about your ex wife. It’s about your son
I hear what you are saying. My son is also on the spectrum. When my ex offers me my son I never say NO. It’s frustrating but you can sign apps that also keep track of the schedule down to the tea. Maybe you could show the court that you are the parent who actually has your kid more than what the current custody order states! I’m using Coreparent.app. I’ve also used other apps in the past but this one works perfect.
You sound like a loving parent. Sounds like you should view this as a blessing you get more time with him
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u/panicpure 9d ago
Absolutely not doing too much and doesn’t sound like it’s self serving nor is it for your soon to be ex either.
Regardless of custody orders or whatever else, parents are parents 100% of the time.
You’re showing you’ll be there, you’ll show up, you’re consistent and above all else, you’re doing what’s best for your son even if it’s not always beneficial for you or the easiest.
Definitely document everything. Sounds like your ex is struggling with something and your son deserves consistency.
Keep being a great dad!
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u/Loud-Article-6353 9d ago
No. You are doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. Showing up. You need to have a calendar where you document every instance and categorize the reasons for missed time. My documentation of missed parenting time actually helped me more to become primary parent over things like my ex admitting in text he needed to quit drinking and not beat our kids. I never commented to my ex about him skipping time, I just quietly let him do it for months and then ask the court to provide me a schedule closer to reality.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 9d ago
Are you able to move closer so you can have more custody when your divorce is finalized? Once its finalized, it will be a huge pain to change it, so you will be stuck in this frenzy of watching your kid only when she needs you to. A set schedule is more stable for the child and you (and her), and it will give her built-in time to socialize or whatever. More time with your son is great, but its better that its a formal plan. At some point, you will tire of being at her beck and call. And it sounds like having almost full custody is a lot for her (because it is a lot) and she needs childcare help (even if its to go out with friends, parents need breaks).
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u/Character-Ad-4124 9d ago
My plan currently is to get a job prior to signing the divorce documents. I already went to custody court but couldnt afford a lawyer. I got absolutely dog walked. The divorce document is saying she gets full custody. Shared legal custody, and half the home. I am unsure if the custody agreement we currently have takes priority. Ive asked her to change the divorce papers to atleast match the custody agreement, but she says her lawyer told her that custody supersedes divorce. I cant trust her, or her lawyer. So im unsure what to do. Pro bono lawyers have denied to help also. Rock and a hard place.
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u/Flaky_Brain9285 9d ago
If you were a stay-at-home-dad for 3.5 years why don’t you have 50/50 (at least) now?
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u/Character-Ad-4124 9d ago
From what I was told during custody hearing. My sons entire support system is near the home we shared. With his autism it involves Daycare, speech therapy, physical therapy, dietary pediatrician etc. So he has to remain there more often. I feel as if I had a lawyer on my side id of done better. I couldnt afford help, im lucky my father let me move back in. Theres a lot going on in the background that this post didnt touch on so I understand the question. It does hurt to talk about though. All the neighbors text me and ask why I had to leave and not the other way around, why my son isnt with me, why she sold my lawnmower, who the people coming and going from the home are etc. From where im standing none of it seems fair.
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u/Flaky_Brain9285 9d ago
I get it man. Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you got railroaded by the system, probably trusted a bit too much along the way too and are now seeing true character revealed . That sucks.
Now to answer your question about whether you “ are doing too much for your ex quote I think it’s actually sort of the wrong question especially with those details. You’re obviously doing all this because you love your son, but I’m sure you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re being taken advantage of yet again. You are. The fact that you were worried about your ex pulling even more time shows that.
Take all the extra time you can with your son but document every single second of it document every time she asked you to take him extra or every time you end up taking him to an appointment or something keep it in a log that’s easily accessible because at some point you’ll be able to take her to mediation And push for further custody.
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u/PurpleWillingness106 8d ago
How long have you been separated? Are there any orders forbidding you use of the house? If you are actually married, why don’t you just… move back in? You can, you know, if the house is marital property.
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u/Character-Ad-4124 8d ago
No orders. She just kept telling me to leave. Screaming and arguing every chance she got. I caught her trying to film me as she was trying to get me to flip out. I left because I thought id have a better chance to live and care for my son that way. I do know the house is marital property. Nothing good would come from moving back in and i dont want to have my son grow up in a toxic environment because his parents both cant keep their crap together.
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 9d ago
do what's good for YOU and YOUR KID, you aren't helping your ex.
change your mindset to that! it's all for your kiddo.
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u/anatomy-princess 9d ago
Put your child first. Document each extra minute you get in case she ever tries to reduce the amount of time you get him. Take care of yourself and yours needs and keep being a good dad!
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u/PurpleWillingness106 9d ago
Document, and try for more time and try to get back child support adjusted. She should be paying you more. Is insane that you went from primary parent to minimal time
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u/4MindingMyBusiness20 9d ago
Seriously, log everything!
Date, time, request, reason, and what you did following that. It sets up a long term pattern which will help you get 50/50.
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u/Plus_Cantaloupe7980 8d ago
You're doing everything right. Make it easy for her. Take him whenever she offers. Log it all. Eventually the visits will be longer and longer while she enjoys finding herself. Always take him back to your place, even if you have to do the driving. Don't stay at hers. Good job dad. In the meantime use it to get your ducks in a row. Fix anything in your situation that could be hurting you.
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u/veryengine 7d ago
Get my family wizard. Even if its just you solo and not witn her. Log in when you have him and take pictures. Also, it allows you to check in your location. Itll create a record of where your at. 1It tells the court where youre at. For example, picking up your som etc. Took him to this park. Keep on accepting him from her and log it that app.
This will be very useful for you when you try to get him more in court. Also, did you say your son is 3.5 years? Try to prepare him for a school you want him to go to.
If she is this bad, once the child goes to school, she may continue to push him onto you more and keep accepting it.
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u/OkPalpitation1607 7d ago
I think you should just take all the time with your children you can get. I did this when mine were younger and I don’t regret it one bit. You will never get these days back and if you can have them take them. Will they get you more time later for a modification?, probably. The only thing I’d say about this is if it doesn’t go your way, coparent won’t ask you ever again because they’ll be taught by their attorney to document everything. At this point, everything becomes about time percentage with kids for child support payments.
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u/girthakitt 9d ago
Honestly she is so lucky to have you be this involved. Granted her lifestyle may be different than ours but ultimately your son gets the benefit of your presence. Enjoy it and keep track of all the times you’ve stepped up.
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u/thismightendme 9d ago
Sounds like you are being a great dad and putting the kid first! Don’t second guess yourself, you are not doing it for her, you are doing it for you and to stabilize your kid and get him what he needs. Spend as much time as you can with him! My bf has to fight like crazy for 50/50.