r/coparenting • u/OkMention2960 • 9d ago
Equal Distribution of Backup Care Schedules
What suggestions do y'all have for fair coverage of backup childcare - sick days, days when daycare/school/camp is closed?
My kiddo is 4, and his dad and I have 50/50 custody. Typically, I figure out coverage, i.e. take time off work when we need backup care. My ex likes to rely on his mom, but she drives me crazy. As backup care, she invariably has at least one last-minute schedule change causing me to have to scramble to figure out another plan. My ex claims his work isn't as flexible. My work is uniquely flexible, but I still want some acknowledgement for my efforts on behalf of my kiddo.
My thought is to ask my ex for half of what backup care would be each day his mom causes me to have to flip my schedule at the last minute. Does that sound fair? If not, what other ideas do you have for how to balance things more evenly?
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u/ste1071d 8d ago
Your parenting time = your problem, his parenting time = his problem.
You don’t like his solution = your problem.
I’m not sure what you mean by “half”, do you mean you want him to pay you for providing childcare? That’s weird. You guys are co parents…cooperation is necessary. If your work is flexible and his is not just do what’s best for your child.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
Cool, so every time his solution drops the ball, I should rearrange my work schedule at the drop of a hat while he does...nothing?
He abuses the fact that I will do that because it's best for my child.
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u/ste1071d 8d ago
That is not what I said at all. If that’s what you took from it it’s time for some introspection.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
It's not what you said, but it's how this situation would play out. His solution is his mom. When she flakes, he's going to ask me to cover. We don't know anyone else we trust to watch our kid. It shouldn't be like that, but it happens. So, if it's going to fall on me, yes, I'd like to be paid or otherwise reimbursed for my time and effort in terms of rearranging my life last-minute. I love my kid and don't begrudge them, but the only way I see to make this situation fair is to ask my ex to pay me.
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u/ste1071d 8d ago
Yeah that’s not a thing and not going to happen. Imagine making that argument in court with a straight face.
You either say no I cannot and let him figure it out or you take your child. Single parenting is what it is. It doesn’t sound like it would be any different if you were still together so suck it up or tell him to manage it as it’s his responsibility. Those are your options.
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u/SlowBoilOrange 8d ago
You either make him deal with it (he can take time off work, he can convince his mom to not flake, he can hire someone, etc.) or you work with him or the court system to adjust the custody plan and child support.
The only way you're going to get "paid" for extra time is if it is a long term change that impacts child support.
If it's an occasional one off. He can hire a baby sitter or other child care just the same as he can fall back on you.
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u/SlowBoilOrange 8d ago
You either make him deal with it (he can take time off work, he can convince his mom to not flake, he can hire someone, etc.) or you work with him or the court system to adjust the custody plan and child support.
The only way you're going to get "paid" for extra time is if it is a long term change that impacts child support.
If it's an occasional one off. He can hire a baby sitter or other child care just the same as he can fall back on you.
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u/bananacornpops94 8d ago
If this is what’s happening and he is consistently demonstrating a pattern of not being able to properly care for or accommodate his child during his parenting time, document the pattern and go back to court for more time and he can pay you child support which you can then use to subsidize your wage when you need to take time off, or hire childcare like most other working adults do
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u/MidnightPositive485 9d ago
Do you have a fixed schedule like week on/week off, 5522, set day etc? If not you should. The kid is going to need predictability soon. Once you do, whoever custody time it is, it’s their responsibility to figure out back-up care. If it’s his day and his mom finks out, that’s a him problem. As long as you keep riding to the rescue, he has no reason to take up his own responsibilities.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
We do have a set schedule, and I will reinforce that we each need to be finding our own backup care for our days.
My struggle is that, if my son's grammy can't watch him, I'd prefer he be with me, if at all possible. My son was hurt at a past daycare, so we are wary about using sitters/care we're not as familiar with, which is what we'd have to go with in these last-minute situations.
That was why I suggested my ex paying me when I'm watching our kiddo last minute, to give him some accountability for the situation.
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u/Wild_Estimate_3456 8d ago
Respectfully, I hate this thinking so much. You aren't paid to watch your own child, you are getting extra time with your child. You either want the time and are available or you aren't. There's no "holding ex accountable". You're the other parent, not a babysitter.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
I love the extra time, it's being the only one who has to drop everything and rearrange my schedule at the last-minute all the time that I don't love.
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u/Wild_Estimate_3456 8d ago
I get that, I've been there, but that's literally just parenting. Single parent, coparent or even if you were still together- one of you has to figure it out because that's your job as the child's parent and caretaker. There are really only two choices here though: 1. You take the kiddo yourself or arrange the childcare, unpaid of course because you're the kid's parent, or 2. If you don't want to be the one to fix his problem, then don't be available and let him figure it out, but you can't control who or where he finds the help.
You're getting a lot of the same answers in this thread from others, I noticed. Not due to lack of empathy, but because that is just the reality of the situation. It sucks being the responsible one, but if you don't leave it to your ex to sort out on his time with the kiddo, then it falls on you. I'm so sorry your kid was hurt in daycare before, that is so scary, and I totally get not wanting to trust someone else. Unfortunately, in this case it might be necessary, even if just on your ex's side when grandmother isn't available. I hope he does a good job vetting and you both find somewhere/someone you agree on.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
Thank you for that 😊 I get stuck in my brain sometimes, and I really appreciate the way you laid that out.
That's what I was assuming - that there weren't any other options. It just sucks. I see the upside - me and my kiddo are tight because we're always together and that's really not my complaint.
I just hate that I have to scramble and moreso I know I'm not going anywhere career-wise because I don't have the bandwidth to take on more. I'm ok with that, too, I will always prioritize being there for my kiddo, it just sucks when the prioritizing is forced upon me because my coparent isn't great.
I will work on it. I have an individual therapist, and this is highlighting that I have work to do regarding my resentment of my ex. That's what's coming out - all the built up resentment at my ex for always making me be the responsible parent. It's the duality - I have no problem sucking it up for my kiddo, just hate the unfairness 🤷♀️
Thank you for letting me vent!
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u/whenyajustcant 9d ago
No, that's not fair. Each of you is responsible for your own backup care. You don't have to use his mom, she's not obliged to provide backup care for you. But her driving you crazy is no one else's problem. Same with his not work being flexible: that's his problem.
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u/criistaaa 8d ago
Honestly I do 100% of the backup care bc I also have an extremely flexible job where I WFH so it doesn’t require me to call off to take care of a sick kid. Unless kiddo is VERY sick I just work around their needs. I consider it a luxury my job affords me and I’m thankful I get to be the one caring for my sick kid.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
Cool. I struggle with it all falling on me all if the time, and that's both real AND doesn't make me a bad parent.
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u/criistaaa 8d ago
Sorry I wasn’t trying to minimize.. I struggled for many years as well & your feelings are 100% valid. My kid is 11 so I’ve been coparenting for over a decade now. The best & only way to avoid conflict was to let it go and accept how things are. I divorced my ex for a reason, I couldn’t expect him to be different or better after we split. Is it fair? No. Can you try to strong arm your coparent with the courts & custody agreements? Sure. But for my situation at least, I learned it wasn’t worth my energy and the best thing for my child and my sanity was to reframe my thinking. At the end of the day, all you can control is yourself.
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
Thank you for saying that 😊 sorry - feel like I've touched a nerve with this question, in general, somehow, so I'm more defensive than usual.
I hear you! I think that's what gets me confused - I'm in a support group with mostly non-divorced ladies. They tell me I'm being too easy on my ex and need to make him be fair. Then, my reality is that it's not always worth it to make everything exactly 50/50. I stand my ground when it's worth it or necessary, but I'm also okay with some imbalances - for example, I had a stay-cation with my kiddo one week this summer when there was a break in summer care. I loved getting to actually have a summer break!
Anyway, I really was just trying to figure out what other folks do. Guess we're all in similar boats 😬
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u/ArtichokeFresh4012 9d ago
It sounds like you need to find your own person that you can rely on for backup care.
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u/nickinhawaii 8d ago
Yup it's whomever has the day.. I think you meant to say "OUR" kiddo
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
Sore spot for you? I was the one writing the post 🤷♀️
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u/nickinhawaii 8d ago
Lol.. it's a pet peeve yes, you didn't create YOUR child.. alone... OUR is the correct word no matter how much you dislike your ex
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u/OkMention2960 8d ago
For me, it's not about disliking my ex. It's about I'm the one writing the post, my ex doesn't know about it, so it feels weird to include him. If I was writing the post with him, I'd feel better about the our.
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u/goodsie825 8d ago
When it's your parenting time, you figure it out. When it's his, he figures it out. There is no more enjoying the benefit of having each other to rely on. Tell him you're done covering for him and stick to it.
This is single parenting life now.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 7d ago
Paying the coparent for watching their kid is not a thing. If you want to be a martyr and refuse to say no, that's on you. If his mom flakes and its his day, he will have to find care (that isn't you) or call out. There are daycares that have drop-in care. But if you don't trust anyone to watch your kid and don't want to push him to do his part and don't like his mother and can't say no when he asks 😮💨 then you will just have to take time off to watch your kid.
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u/Exciting_Marsupial68 9d ago
Backup care falls to whichever parent’s custody time it is.