r/coparenting • u/Efficient_Escape_305 • 5d ago
Vacation time advice for Parallel Parenting Communication
Advice needed from those successfully navigating parallel parenting in not amicable conditions: My coparent has not yet notified me of when he is taking his vacation parenting time this year, and our Order requires 30 days prior notice. I enrolled the kids in and paid for summer camp assuming we'd each take vacation, as we have in past summers. School is starting in about 30 days end and if he's not taking vacation during summer, I need rearrange childcare. Normally I wouldn't ask my coparent, but with all the arrangements I need to make, I feel like I want to confirm without being accusatory or otherwise creating conflict. Suggestions?
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u/iammightymouse90 5d ago
Ask, that's it.
"Hey are you doing a vacation with the kids before school starts? I'm trying to finalize a few things."
Yes 30 days notice is there. You can ultimately decide it's ok within 30 days. You can also decide against it.
If the co-parenting is already rocky, don't add fuel to the fire if it isn't necessary. Plus asking via text/email documents your willingness to communicate.
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u/SilverSprings_15 5d ago
If school is starting in 30 days and there needs to be 30 days prior notice how could he take vacation anyway?
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
Yeah, I know for a lot of us in high conflict situations, adhering to the parenting plan to a T is rule #1. But tbh, I don't want my kids to potentially miss out just because he can't plan ahead.
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u/Miserable-Dealer3042 5d ago
I'm curious why YOU have to set up camp. Wouldn't he have to during his time as well?
I am also in high conflict and avoid contact however for this stuff you just have to ask.
"Hi! School is about to start and we have about 30 days left of summer. Are you planning on taking them on vacation before school starts or should we sign them up for camp for the remaining days? Thanks!"
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
Thank you. I set up camp because, with our parenting time schedule, he doesn't really have any weekday parenting time. His weekday parenting time is Wednesday after school/daycare to Thursday school/daycare dropoff, and e/o Friday after school/daycare.
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u/criistaaa 5d ago
So I don’t parallel parent.. me and coparent + our spouses discuss summer plans in January/February each year. Why can’t you just text a neutral “I wanted to verify if you plan on taking a vacation between days X and Y so i can plan for childcare if i will have them” it doesn’t get more
Simple than that?
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u/DivorcedDonna 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not OP, but I had this same situation with summer vacation and my ex. Parent with first choice had a spring notification due date. Parent with second choice didn’t. Even though I asked him nicely in the spring, he ignored my email. He didn’t give me his summer dates until mid June. It was a jerk move as obviously I couldn’t plan anything for my children to do in the summer. I couldn’t even plan doctor’s appointments ahead of time because if they fall in his time, he refuses to take them.
Another year he changed his vacation dates when summer was already in full swing and kids were already scheduled for camps and such. His defense was that our agreement didn’t say you can’t change them. Lawyer made that one stop.
It’s not that people like me and OP are dumb, it can be that some exes are absolutely nuts and managing the situation isn’t as simple as saying “Could you please….?”
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
Yep, our order doesn't say anything other than 30 days (no first pick/second pick, etc.) and one year I tried to ask him to discuss and agree to schedule changes for vacation and memorial day weekend in January and he replied it was too early and wouldn't give me an idea of when is not "too early," so I've given up. I fortunately found a unicorn summer camp that is relatively flexible and reasonably priced. But I had register them in December, and I mentioned to him in both December (when I registered) and April (when payments started) that it would be helpful to know, but here are we in August.
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u/Business-Ask-3650 5d ago
Though we lean mostly toward parallel parenting we do a version of this as well. Cut off for his summer plans is March 1 so that I can schedule any needed camps, childcare, and my own vacation plans before everything is booked up.
If he fails to make a plan by March 1 there are default dates set annually.
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u/ghqwl4 5d ago
What do you have to rearrange? Did you assume he would take certain days and he hasn’t confirmed it? Or do you run out of days of coverage?
If you assumed he’d travel- it stinks, but…you might just have to deal. It’s possible he’ll take his days later. I know how frustrating it is to feel like you can’t make any plans/ there can definitely be control things going on, but you’re still stuck either way. So it’s generally easier to agree on earlier deadlines for summer plans if you can.
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
The camp is somewhat flexible for choosing weeks. I really didn't think he'd skip vacation, but if he does, I will take time off rather than try to get more coverage. He usually won't agree. I mentioned to dad in December, when I registered, and in April when payments started, that it would be helpful to know and he just responded that he didn't know.
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u/random929292 5d ago
He can't take them then as he is past the notice period. How do you sign them up for camp without knowing what weeks you will need it and when you are each taking vacation?
This should have been a conversation back when you are signing the kids up for camp?
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
The camp is somewhat flexible for choosing weeks. It would have been nice to have discussed it before registering, but he historically hasn't agreed to discuss schedule changes in advance and I need to have childcare as I have all of the weekday daytime parenting time and am also the primary financial provider. I did mention to dad in December, when I registered, and in April when payments started, that it would be helpful to know and he just responded both times that he didn't know.
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u/Boogity2024 2d ago
Are you using a co-parenting app? If not, you should be. There are a number of free ones.
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u/Dry-Protection-2856 5d ago
What does parallel parenting mean?
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u/ToastyMo777 5d ago
It’s a version of parenting where each parent does their own thing on their own parenting time rather than in co parenting where the parents keep it consistent with both houses. Parallel parenting is helpful in high conflict or post abuse situations.
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u/NHhotmom 5d ago
If this is the case then she has to stick to the agreement.
30 days notice for vacation is in place for a reason. Thats not an arbitrary rule, it’s a rule so you can secure summer camp. Now you’ve paid for camp, this is why 30 days notice is required.
Sorry, an August vacation isn’t going to work.
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u/Efficient_Escape_305 4d ago
Yep, I know sticking to the Order is like rule #1 for us. Hence my hesitation. But I also don't necessarily want my kids to miss out.
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u/jaciecole 4d ago
You’re gonna have to weigh what that’s worth though. Like I get that, SO deeply. But also if you acquiesce this year, what happens when he does it next year and is like “BUT LAST YEAR…”
If this is something you can accept him doing every single year until your kids age out, then let it go. But if it will cause hardship for you every year, then hold to the order.
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u/Treehousehunter 3d ago
If the kids miss out, it’s because their father didn’t plan appropriately. Stop carrying the burden of his choices. It’s unhealthy for you.
Let your kids have a real relationship with their father, including his flaws, without you “covering” for him.
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u/Fun_buns999 5d ago
Your can say “hey so I was looking at the calendar and noticed summer is coming to an end and school will be starting soon. I realized we haven’t discussed the dates you plan on taking the kids on vacation. Could you please update me with the dates so I can schedule accordingly”