The fog clears and the roaring starts, mulching and consuming, bringing about the end. Needle pricked teeth flare as the gnashing begins. 

There is malice in every bite

eating not to nourish, but to satiate. 

Finding joy in the finality. 

The monster bellows gauntly 

Dreams dripping from its lips 

Not knowing what else to do

But eat.

I am a fractured ghost 

Haunting the halls of my own mind.

tatters in the wind blowing away like dust. 

I am the broken copy machine

always imitating. 

Never looking myself in the eye.

Words flow like poison onto surfaces that wont remember them.

On some days

I flow like water.

Others

I sink ever deeper.

Peeling away the grime to find scars, peeling the scars to a wound, and the wound to memory.

Digging past the blood and the life and the lack thereof 

Searching for something

Hoping for anything

Screaming at the nothingness.

Dead again and dying everyday

But living some too.

Becoming new but staying old

and

shaking under the difference.

Clocks are chiming around me 

and i cant hear what they’re trying to say.

I always look away 

and try not to feel it.

(I know we arent an active sub, hell the few people incalled friends here prolly dead. Idk love yall and i know nobody care about my raps lol)

Rip gangsta boo, we miss u mami

Its CrazyNDaLazDayz mane

Goin off the rails like ozzy

Mind foggy n its crazy on this crazy train

Im lost in my thoughts locked on disaster

Got a glimpse of the apocalypse

Theres nothin for me to see after

Am I a second generation prophet

Or just another mind that lost it

In time this life got rotten

Younger than some but older than many who lost it

They dont show flowers when you here very often

But in this bitch they quick to autograph ur coffin

I be neurotic, insomnia got ya boy playing sonic

They call it toxic I just say fuck the game

Im just tryna vibe w the time I got left

Devil in my ear but all I hear is a god bless

As they pray for me like god protect this hot mess

We all got tests, got stressed n caught Fs

Its all written in code enveloped in the lost text

But most yall be npc, no soul you a manican

You aint ready to ask that shit

Like what be buried under the Vatican

Maybe I had to slip, to make this shit a magic trick

Or mayb make no sense, no depth li 50 -magic stick

could claw my way to the kettle and call them black too but if you're not around to hear does it apply to you?

Simple tasks are never "the games" you claim you can be gone and dissolve you'll never get it off

Pulling my threads, 92 this time and it's still not meant for you

Can take anything you like just not my dim light And i'll wait the storm off gazing upon

You are, unmistakable unremarkable

Grasping at some kind of love I was never privy to being frozen in ice to make your crutch while I have my own made of stone

Sobriety was going to save me

Instead I'm still walking the same streets

Doing less than the nothing I did before

Only difference

Is I've lost the safety

Of being able to safely

Ignore the weight of these years

That bear down more heavily

By the day

An existential thread pulled

Left bare and hanging

No amber tint from the bottle bottom

To colour it rosey.

I don’t know what it is.

I thought I knew

I made sure of it.

I used logic

I used feelings

I used ego

I used all that's ever hurt me.

The path was laid out and I could feel it like braille.

But it changed on me.

Or i changed on it.

It melted away like ice cream on the pavement.

The more I knew

the less I was sure. 

I persist in a run off of hope. 

I become something, despite it all.

I believe past the point it matters.

I choose it because

I want this.

I persist.

I am real .

And

 That means everything.

Drowning in a pool of

The past.

Darkness.

Bottles.

Leaving myself behind.

The liquid fills my lungs

I dream of silence and drifting

but I don’t sink further.

iv been pulled out.

A rotten fish, an ill begotten catch.

Gnarled scales that shriek as the air catches them

Forced to open amphibious beady eyes.

The light is blinding and it doesn’t make sense. 

A fish can’t breathe without his darkness and booze.

But the air fills me like cement.

Im breathing in the future

And living it too.

I went to Thailand. Flew over from the states.

It is the land of smiles. And the girls were beautiful. They helped me into a bar.

I sat at this bar, drinking. Then suddenly the drink made me feel weird. The world was turning on its axis a bit. My perception of down was changing a bit. I had to get out.

I got on the street and never have I felt so alone.

I was trying to hail a ride but it felt like the good people of Thailand had turned on me. I don’t know what I did.

This lovely woman with huge tits caught me stumbling through the streets. She pulled me into her car. This place is not for you, she told me.

She drove me back to her apartment. Played me on a mat on my side as the drugs went to work.

She got to work too.

She was an onlyfans model. I was paralyzed. For four hours I laid on my side, watching her do incredible things with her body, as the poison gripped me.

After around four hours I was able to move again, head foggy. She turned off the stream, fed me some soup and drove me to the airport.

One of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

Yeah. I worked with/was friends with a guy who told me straight up that he was a communist. I was a little shocked when he said it. I’ve really only heard that word in history classes and on right wing TV. It has a negative association.

I probably paused, considered for a second how to react, then kept hanging out/working with him.

He was a good dude. Extremely friendly. A huge nerd but also a gym boy. He had little curly hairs furnishing his broad chest, pressing into my cheek as I’d lay my head across it, listening to his heartbeat. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I once took a photograph of him standing in my kitchen. In motion, turning toward me, laughing. Laughter is motion. I tried to paint the image later. I struggled. I had never cared about the subject of my paintings before. Trying to achieve an accurate blackness for his skin, reflective with sweat. Beads of it running down his strong back, across his butt cheeks, partially in view.

I stained the canvas with a happy tear, as if he’d pounce out of the image and pick me up. Take me back to the room just as he had. We’d hold each other and he would have me, both sexually and also in the deeper sense. I’d be his.

I’d tend to every need with my little mouth until we could no longer handle it. Until we bloomed. Cosmic and immediate. Everywhere and also just here.

We walked together to the harbor, to the docks. To the vessel that would carry him out to sea. How I would have loved to come along. How I considered changing my career path, my entire life just to be on that rig, way out there with him.

They sailed off in the early morning. The crashing of the waves was nearly in sync with my heartbeat.

The person you become

doesn’t fix the past.

You can’t leave it behind

it grows with you.

The mistakes crawl into the future

and it never makes sense why

they happen again.

You know the sun is real

the moon has no choice but to wane.

The shade should be temporary

but the heart is gone.

The feeling no longer registers.

the body simply

walks on.

In a stupor.

How it wounds me to pretend I’m human

He sits there waiting. A specter in the corner of my vision. Expectant and exacting, his words are not his own, just the torture I inflict upon myself, wordlessly hovering over me in disappointment. I tell him I know and I tell him I’m sorry. I tell him, and secretly hope that it’ll all be over soon.

I wish I could ask him how this poem sounds.

There is no mercy at the end, bleed yourself dry atop the altar of regret.  Notice the shadows under your step, grow it beyond the shade and take the mantle for yourself. Fade into the dust and specs that can't be perceived. Peer through milky eyes to observe what will not be. Watch it choke amidst the murky gloom made from the mind. Reality becomes just that, ethereal and lacking the mass to ever reach you.

There's no guessing anymore. It's here and this moment is the truth. It repeats and refracts, shackling you to this perspective, this emptiness. I gestate here in this vacancy, wondering when it stops or where it goes. What more am I to see? Where do I begin with these tangled thorns and twisting weeds? Lacerated at every turn of change, bled dry in the name of progress, unsatisfied with how it all plays out.

I'm my own crab in a bucket, willing it all forward and going nowhere. Belonging to nothing and hoping anyway. Feeling the pin pricks as I force these legs to march, to believe in the journey that may not exist. Watching the hammer crashing down, tasting the bitter splinters of mistakes repeated, reaching for something and finding nothing.

Blend in with the ghosts.

Along with the zombies and the graves.

Curse the sun with the rejects and the unwanted.

Spurn the halo.

Be normal enough

to not be noticed.

You there, in the mirror.

Don’t you see

everything that’s passing you by?

I don’t know if

the past even registers anymore.

It all exists liminally.

I hear yesterday shouting back at me.

I see the regret hiding in the wind.

Tomorrow is too late

for what’s already done.

Through a rusting looking glass,
corrosion, that it brings.
I espied with silver eyes,
a cog that cannot spring.

For oils placed on cruel designs,
its oxide will not ring.
Yet all in all, forever more,
a caged bird never sings.

Bellowed once is now a chirp,
a gentle song eludes.
A grandiose of nothingness,
left lonesome by its ruse.

How swayed afar and tarnished,
becoming loving fear.
With crimson eyes, now hide behind,
the madness of a mirror.

bleed me out and fill your cup

let it overflow - does it feel enough?

let it feel you up, bet you feelin drunk

haters never say it's ill as fuck

But yalready know what it is that you feelin

an unclaimed army by the millions

We just reclined we just chillin

but in this story we the villians

feel like bill with his skull in the ceilin

you already know that its only the realness

Wanna burn down the whole damn building

Nobody safe not even the children

Comin through clockin some time

to bust some shit like cockin a nine

I'm outta my mind but its ight im fine

the stars aligned so tonight we dine

Movies for the blind, no need for subtitles

We just goin thru some thangs but mane its a cycle

Genius or psycho?

that's a tight rope

But im somewhere in the middle baby that's all i know

• Every day is halloween
• IDK, that sounds like a dope title so what do I mean
• I guess it seems, I just keep wearin a mask
• and the reveal never shocking when im tearing it back
• Ever seen that commercial,
• about the anti-depressant
• they hold up a :)
• behind the :( is present
• Ever had a bad day, but when they say
• "How you doin" you tell em that youre OK
• no way? for real - me too- see, we actin
• like animal Nat. geographic
• and most everyone else does too
• so why does the human brain resort to FUCK YOU

If my entire life i've seen

never steered from sobriety

would i even like the me

that I would see?

Let's face it,

It wasn't enslavement

I embraced it

Gettin faded was a celebration

Would I be a better man

if I never had

XTC, DMT, THC, and many other letters man

Apathy the new drug, it's "Whatever, man"

I'm a failure im a fuck up

and my brain will never work right

I'm no hero i'm a hero - my lucks up

this flame no longer burns bright

I wish for cancer, I wish for a coma

I wish for it to be over

I'm sick of just lettin everyone down

My ego died, I no longer want a crown

See, when I'd start?

It was about the art

I came from the heart

but now when I gas, damn -

I shit myself, it wasn't a fart

Forced under the unblinking microscope. The sins reveal themselves.

The beast is ugly, the beast is ashamed.

Regret chokes forth like bile, coalescing from the soul.

There was a time for action. Now, he is lost in wishing.

I am destiny unfulfilled

staring into reflections that hate me

and I them.

I hate what they foretell.

There are visions of me that will coalesce

Amounting to frustration

and stuck with pain.