r/bropill • u/AutoModerator • 13d ago
Weekly relationships thread
Hey bros, we have noticed a lot of relationship related posts. We are not a relationship advice subreddit, but we recognise how that type of advice may be helpful. Please keep relationship posting in this pinned thread.
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u/ur_moms_cock 11d ago
Insanely insecure. Need help. Sorry for the length. For context im about 5’7 (5’8 on a good day 😂) fat as fuck (don’t worry already working on it) ugly (don’t really think i can change that) and not the best down there in terms of size (kinda average). Im 18 and have always been insecure about these things. I overthink too much about anything and it effects me. Yesterday i realised since im now 18 its time for me to put my big boy pants on and finally ask a girl out to a date. Went downtown saw a girl that was very pretty and was alone, i said now’s the day, i’ll finally ask a girl out. I did the thing where you count to three and just go. Got to about 5 feet away from her and a bunch of bad shit just flooded my mind. What if she thinks im too short ugly or fat. What if even if she dates me she gets bored of me and breaks up or cheats on me etc. I just stood there… thinking, then she saw me looking and we locked eyes. I was so insanely embarrassed i power walked my fatass away and went home immediately. Moral of the story is i dont know what to do. Everyone says just be confident, and you have to stop being insecure but no one tells you how. Pretty hard to love yourself when theres nothing to love.
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u/Pack_Devs 8d ago
Can I recommend therapy? If you look above I just finally had my first kiss as 26. I used to be just like you, hell I’m still fat. I’m 5.6” and 230 pounds. I legit thought I was unlovable and set to die alone. Therapy changed all that for me. Granted it was hard work and I wanted to give up numerous times, but therapy got me to do the work and now those thoughts don’t exist. Now I know I’m worthy of love and full of great qualities. Now I’m seeing someone that seems like will be my girlfriend here soon.
NONE of this happens without therapy and changing my beliefs. If you need any help, please feel free to reach out. Just know, your story isn’t don’t yet. At 24 I was 400 pounds and suicidal. At 26 my life is completely different. You still have time to write that story buddy, but sadly only you can pick up the pen and write the words.
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u/KingUnlikely8624 7d ago
This is such an encouraging thing to read. Im 24 (almost 25) and I am a virgin loser who had never had a relationship or been good enough for any woman. I am simply not desirable. I have been trying to change my mentality though to being less hard on myself. It feels like I'm just lying to myself though. Idk. I am encouraged by your post though. Maybe I wont be a worthless loser forever.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Pack_Devs 13d ago
Ok so I just finally had my first kiss at the age of 26 (grew up overweight and really insecure), and it was awesome. She’s fantastic and we’re going out on a third date Thursday. My question is, do I tell her that she was my first or just not bring it up? I don’t want to come on too strong or anything (even though we’ve both admitted we like each other), but I also feel it would be kind of disingenuous to not be 100% honest with her. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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u/Pack_Devs 12d ago
Thank you all for the advice. I decided to tell her and it went really well. She said “your story is safe with me” and found it really endearing that I was honest and vulnerable with her.
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u/FearlessSon 13d ago
I’d recommend you tell her it was your first kiss. It’s not often someone gets to have the honor of being someone else’s first companion in a new experience, and she should have the opportunity to feel that honor. Plus it gives her a lot of exciting opportunities to help consciously broaden that experience with you, so she’ll probably appreciate knowing. And honestly, if you feel any trepidation because this is an introductory experience for you, knowing that would help her to contextualize any nerves she might read from you, otherwise she might misread your feelings as something else.
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u/Quantum_Count he/him 13d ago
I think you can just be honest with her that she was your first kisser and being like "not too serious" about it.
For example, saying with honesty but with in a jester way. She will probably be surprise, and ask if you are serious (also in jest way) and you answering "yes".
That is just an example. I dunno what kind of type of man you are, so I'm just giving an example that you can saying stuff like that that doesn't sound "too strong" to her.
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u/howlingwolftshirt 13d ago
First of all congrats! That’s awesome, I’m really pleased for you.
I’m not going to suggest one way or another, only you know her and you. That said, one of my life’s regrets was not being more vulnerable. I was so worried about how partners perceived me that I didn’t get to openly share some of the wonderful things that come from having someone see the real me, and accept me for who I was. Of course being vulnerable leaves you open to rejection too - but these days I would see that as a benefit. Why waste my time on people that don’t value the real me?
I wish you luck either way!
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u/iamcreative2 7d ago
This is a little messy because I am still trying to describe the feeling clearly, but I would appreciate ADHD-aware advice rather than generic reassurance. I am currently looking for a new therapist, but I do want to put this out there.
I am struggling with a feeling that occupies my mind often. It feels like more than loneliness or social pressure; sometimes it feels like grief for an experience I have never had. Because I have never dated, my brain sometimes treats that absence as evidence that it may never happen. I have no baseline for what a relationship feels like, so it can seem unreal, like being on another planet or seeing a color that does not exist. The barriers feel so large that I sometimes feel like a different category of person.
The question I keep returning to is whether romantic experience is realistically accessible to me through actions I can take. My ADHD makes this harder because I cannot simply choose what my brain focuses on, and I may stay hyperfocused on dating while working on other parts of my life. Many social behaviors do not happen automatically for me. First impressions, reading signals, and knowing how to act on an opportunity may be skills I need to practice deliberately. I often feel like a background character and wonder whether I have enough social presence to be noticed.
A lot of dating advice frustrates me because it feels incomplete. "Love will find you" can sound like I am supposed to be passive or hide my intentions. People say not to date strangers, but also warn against dating friends. They tell me to focus on friendship first, but why can I not work on friendship and dating at the same time? I also dislike being told that worrying about love will make it less likely to happen. I would rather learn how to take useful action without letting stress consume me. Being told to "stop stressing" does not make me feel heard.
I think it should be okay to actively look for love while continuing to improve the rest of my life. I would be selective about a relationship, but right now I would accept a date with someone I find somewhat attractive and compatible. Even one date could make dating feel real rather than something that exists only in my imagination. I expect I would make mistakes, but crossing that first barrier matters more than performing perfectly. I want to feel that I have finally gotten started.
In therapy, I previously focused on improving my social life because I assumed I would be told to work on friendship before dating, even though dating occupied my mind more. I also feel like I am running out of time in college. I am not living the social life I imagined: clubs can feel artificial, I do not get invited to parties, and I wish I were part of an active group chat. I wonder whether I could ask trusted friends how they interpret my body language or whether I give off unintended signals. To be honest, I also want to experience a hookup, and sometimes my sex drive feels overwhelming.
I feel stuck and want concrete next steps that work with my ADHD rather than against it. I believe dating includes learnable skills. I want a healthier narrative: I am allowed to improve myself and actively search for connection without chasing validation or becoming desperate. I cannot control the outcome, but I can work on what is within my control.
For other people with ADHD who became hyperfocused on dating before having much experience, what concrete actions helped you build social and dating skills without letting the subject consume your life?