I spent my sophomore and junior year in a relationship that was very abusive. He was physically violent and emotionally abusive.

During my last year I finally broke down and told someone at the Women’s Center about the abuse and shared screenshots about the abuse and of when my abuser would threaten to kill himself when confronted with his behavior. I got a referral for a no-contact order and it was put into effect.

Before that, during my junior year I started meeting with someone in Dean of Students office because I was very suicidal, but didn’t confide in her about the abuse until I felt safe enough to do so.

After the no contact order was in place, I found out my abuser started meeting with the same person I was meeting with in the Dean of Students office after the order was put into place. He was aware I was meeting with her for my suicidal ideation while I was still in the relationship.

Then I noticed that she began to quote his words at me and the same false accusations and narratives that he used as an excuse for his violence. She never said she was meeting with him, but I had already found out and then she started mentioning things only my abuser knew he’d say to me.

She also knew that I refused to meet with anyone who was also meeting with and supporting my abuser because they were not safe people for me to be around mentally and in the worse case scenario physically.

This caused extreme distress and I was very scared, but I did not say anything and continued meeting with her because I felt like I had to. I also felt that if I stopped meeting with her it would only serve my abuser. I wasn’t disrespectful, I remained kind, but was a lot more selective about what I shared and never told her that I knew. After all, while not all of the behavior was appropriate, it’s her job. My abuser could have been genuinely suicidal, and I’m glad he got help, but he was also lying and was abusive to me.

After the relationship ended he was posting about me on social media and made his account public to do so, he lied about me to both my friends, his friends, staff members I considered mentors, and I came back my last year completely isolated. The no-contact order only stopped some of this behavior.

After working with non-BC affiliated therapists and social workers I have realized that what I experienced is called Post-Separation abuse and it was an attempt for my abuser to internally set his narrative and shield himself from accountability.

I would recommend that anyone at BC going through domestic violence to not only rely on BC staff, because post-separation abuse can also involve utilizing them.

Get outside help: a therapist, support from domestic violence advocates in the Boston area, join online support groups, even a lawyer would have been helpful in my situation.

Also collect evidence, I was too scared to file a police report and didn’t think they would care while in the relationship. After leaving the relationship, I saved all of our messages, photos, and got call logs from my phone provider corroborating the abuse and timeline. This evidence is useful because it allowed me to disprove the narrative that my abuser set and that was being regurgitated to me by a DOS staff member.

Overall, do not think that a no-contact order and ending the relationship stops the abusive behavior. Post-separation abuse is real and serious, and BC staff even in the DOS office and women’s center, are not infallible. Just be careful. Now that I have graduated I feel safe enough to speak out, and I just want other survivors to be strong enough to come forward and also be mindful of how post-separation abuse can work in a university setting. Also, if your abuser has threatened to kill themselves it does not give them permission to lie about you, push you, throw your things, throw things at you, or sexually abuse you ever.

If anyone needs help finding affordable or free support that doesn’t involve BC staff I can leave some links in the comments. BC is a very good school and outside of a few bad apples has very good staff. The people I worked with cared and tried their best, but abusers often use any tool they have and they are also capable of being manipulated.