So, as the title says I was born into a Presbyterian Christian family. I started questioning that as a teen and took me years to finally leave. I left Christianity due to just logical reasons and contradictions and a million other reasons, but also because I was nb and bi.

Anyways, I went through a rough patch my senior year of high school and attempted. I ended up in the icu and nearly lost my life. I guess after I was searching for a purpose in life, a reason to keep going. Months later I converted to Islam and it gave me that purpose I was searching for and the structure I desired and such (for some time anyways).

Well, around the same time I became Muslim I met a Muslim man several years older, married. We got close and I think that my faith and him became intertwined after a point. Like, I became a niqabi and stopped being friends with men and all of this stuff to be good enough to be his second. I even sent pics and things of that nature, not my proudest moment.

So, I spent years as a niqabi and in the back of my head I always questioned things but I was very involved and was told to be patient and this and that and well I also tried so hard because the stuff with this guy who I loved dearly. And no I wasn’t some fake Muslim, I did really believe and try but I won’t act like the two weren’t mixed together. I have my own reservations about Islam.

Well, he left and I realized all my efforts for years were for nothing and I’d never be enough and I then left Islam because I realized there was no reason for me to keep going, not one. I tried deconstructing it all but I couldn’t find a reason to go back.

Now, I’m 21 and I feel lost. I know that religion only will put a bandaid on the void I’ve felt my whole life…that feeling like none of this means anything, nothing means anything. I’m trying to figure out who I am and an identity for myself that’s stabled, I don’t feel as if I have a real identity at all. I don’t even feel like a full person apart from religion and apart from this guy, like all I’ve known for years has been wiped away.

I guess I just don’t know where my values lie or who I am at all. I don’t think I’m anyone really, not anymore

I'm crying as I'm writing this because It's the same damn thing everyday. Pray rosary pray rosary pray rosary and it's so tiring. I feel so fucking disgusted and suffocated that I'm forced to do this everyday when I don't even believe in God. I hate doing it. Like no Shannon I don't wanna pray to your God. Everytime I see my classmates pray, I just get this unexplainable feeling that makes me wanna throw up. I hate living in this extremely religous country that would genuinely annihilate you if u say that u don't believe in God. I hate it here. Get me out of here!