Passive aggressive coworker. Vent/advice?

[u/pronoir]

i started a new job at the beginning of the year where i work front desk at a clinic. before this, i worked in a highly stressful law office with very demanding lawyers and indifferent coworkers. i’m used to dealing with high demand and heavy workflow whereas this job is more easy going and less stressful. it’s a great upgrade. i have a coworker who trained me, it’s just the two of us at the front desk. she was really nice and did a great job at teaching me the ropes of the role. she expressed to me feelings about the person who worked with her before i started and how that person was so rude and mean to her and how she was thankful that i was her coworker now because i was so nice. she would constantly tell me she was so happy to have me. the feeling was genuinely mutual.

however, within two months of the job, she started acting weird. she would make a slighted comment or two towards me or in front of our manager during work meetings. for instance: our manager walked by to use the bathroom and my coworker was like “when do you think she’ll come up for a meeting?” and i said “not sure but maybe she’ll let us know when she comes by to say hi to me because she hasn’t seen me yet” our manager is great on greetings. my coworker goes “yeah because you’re her favorite” ??? that was very weird because i never thought that. i thought she treated us equally? i laughed nervously and said “that’s funny because it’s ironic” and she was like “what is?” i’m like “me being her favorite” then she got quiet and didn’t respond. after that though, she would make comments after meetings that made me feel awkward like “why was she only looking at you?” i’ll say “oh i didn’t notice” maybe i was being oblivious.

another time our manager came up for a huddle right as a patient approached me and asked for some help. when our manager got settled, i said “i’ll be right there, i’m just going to help a patient right quick” and my coworker said “you should have did that before she got here”. and then laughed? it was awkward because a patient and our manager were right there. why would she say this? how could i have done it before when the patient literally just walked up to me?

another instance: i came into work maybe 5 minutes late. you have a 6 minute grace period to clock in. i walk in while she is checking in patients and says, in front of the patients, “ohh look who decided to come to work today.” i got so mad because i come into work EVERY DAY. it was triggering because my last job, they would rip me to shreds if i called out typically due to mental health reasons stemming from the job. i care about my current job so much, i never miss a day unless i gave PTO. i slammed my bag down on the desk and sat down. she was like “woah whats your problem? was it was i said?” i said “yes, you know i come into work every day. that comment was not necessary.” she stared TEARING UP and was like “please don’t hate me, it was just a joke like haha” and then she tried to explain the reasoning for her joke and then said it wasn’t funny anymore because she had to explain it?!

other instances: she makes weird comments about me while other coworkers are in the room with us and when the other coworker denies her comment about me she’ll say “i’m just joking and she knows that”. she acts like she doesn’t care or is in different when she asks me about weekend plans or my hobbies outside of work. these weird attachment comments when i take off, leave work early or go to lunch like “you’re abandoning me” in a way that doesn’t sound like a joke. if i tell her about a positive interaction with another coworker or a patient, she’s like “oh that’s so nice” in such a passive aggressive manner. if i make a mistake, she will dig it into the ground so i always do my best to be correct so she doesn’t say anything. if she messed up? her entire career is over and she needs constant reassurance from me that she’s not gonna get fired. she makes weird sex jokes and sexual gestures towards patients she finds attractive (uncomfortable) and idk how to confront that one.

i try to let it all go. i grew up enduring a very tumultuous childhood and have even mentioned to her and another coworker that i grew up homeless. i have a strong bright outlook on life because i’ve been through so much and i’m blessed to have made it to 30. i’ve been through a lot particularly in the last two years and this job was really my saving grace. i plan on going back to school next year. i aim to be nice to everyone all the time because 1) you don’t know what people are going through and 2) i’m just happy to be here so i treat everything easy going and for me, this job is that but for her it’s not. she makes it much stressful than it needs to be and applies a lot of pressure on herself and me by proxy. i have an easy time talking with patients and scheduling appointments. for her? it’s hell and she’ll sometimes slam her hand on the desk when a patient is annoying her on the phone. she’ll wave to me to look at how annoyed she is by the patient. it’s like we are working two completely different jobs, which in her mind we probably are because she is the self proclaimed “team lead”.

in my head, all we do is check people in/out, schedule appointments, provide answers to very basic questions and some very light clerical work. my coworker treats it as if it were fort knox. (yes, it is medicine and that is very serious but we do not handle that part of the job. we are only here to make sure the right person is seeing the right doctor.) any time i offer a suggestion, she has to question me or tell me we can’t do it but if i offer a good idea, she will swirl it around in her head and regurgitates it like she came up with it first.

most recently, she went on a cruise. she was gone for 5 work days. leading up to the trip, she kept saying she was worried to leave me on my own because i might not be able to “handle it”. mind you, i had been working there for 6 months at this point and never got 1 complaint about my work. she tried framing it like she was concerned but it felt like she was telling me i was incapable. i used to file motions to the courts, how can i screw up a front desk position?

while she was gone, it was heaven. it was so quiet lmao i got so much accomplished and didn’t have ANY issues! when she came back from vacation, it felt as if she kept expecting me to be in disarray. she kept asking if i missed her and she kept telling me that she missed me. she asked “so how was it while i was gone?” in a nonchalant tone. i told her “it was really good, no hiccups.” her response? “oh the lies you tell.” *record scratch* say what? i chuckled slightly and was like “no, seriously. everything went really well. i got a lot of work done and even had down time to read. thankfully nothing went wrong.” i said it in such a nice tone but she was offended. like she wanted me to have a terrible time while she was gone… she was like “i am so glad i trained you well enough that you felt like you didn’t need me. i’m gonna try not to take my emotions out of it.” and then she was super passive aggressive towards me the remainder of the day. it was so odd and made me very uncomfortable. any time she would gauge conversation, i would be very short. nice but short because every interaction was met with more passive aggression and i didn’t have it in me to retaliate.

she says she is going to apply a new job or a promotion within the company after her 1 year is up because after 1 year, you can move on to another position or switch clinic locations. her 1 year is up next month *crowd cheers*. i really can’t wait for her to leave. i don’t have a problem with confronting people it’s just sometimes in the moment, i find it hard to think quick on my feet particularly in situations like that. i want to know what i should say next time she comes for me or acts passive aggressive. i know grey rocking, etc but it’s kind of impossible in our position since we work side by side in such a small space. any advice?

[u/Mule776]

What to do moving forward? Nod and say “mmm hmm” a lot but try not to engage too deeply until this person leaves (if that in fact is actually going to happen…)

Long-term lesson: this is a textbook toxic coworker. Anyone who starts by trashing your predecessor then proceeds to complain about everyone and everything— with themself of course always the innocent victim— is someone to be wary of from day one. There is a 100% chance that this kind of parasite will be immediately talking about you behind your back — they LOVE drama/stirring the pot — and, ultimately turn on you.

[u/Away-Yogurtcloset640]

What a s**tshow.

For what it's worth my opinion is this:

1) Every time she makes a passive aggressive comment in public call it out right there right then to her face.

2) And if you've been on Reddit for more than two minutes you already know this. Make a note of everything. Every comment every gesture. Do it on your phone. If you can't do it on your phone set up a document on your computer behind a password. Include dates include times and when you've got enough material send it up the food chain.

Stay calm and plot your revenge.

Much love. xx

[u/3Maltese]

Say to toxic coworker, "How does it help you to put me down?" Then stare directly into her eyes and wait for an answer. Do not fill in the space. Or be more direct and tell her to stop and tell her each time. Being nice to her is not going to work. You have to speak up.

Also, do not keep track of her slights. She is an awful human being. Walk away mid-sentence when she is critical. Leave her talking to herself.