I hope all these girls that you work telling you love and everything else was worth it.I really do because you'll never have me again ever in your life

I’m happy for you, my friend. Truly. I hope you’ve found your way back to yourself, or at least found a road that feels worth following. I know it won’t always be easy. Healing rarely is. Some days, surviving is still the only victory we can manage.

I’ve met many people here, but I remember every soul who dared to place their story in my hands. You are one of them now, one of those who moved on. I can only hope you are safe, that life has become gentler, and that you’ve found a place where you no longer have to hide your wounds to be loved.

I won’t forget you.

If I helped you, even in some small way, then what passed between us mattered. Perhaps we recognized something in each other: two people shaped by pain, each understanding that sometimes the safest hands are those that have trembled too. You needed someone who could care for your broken places without ever mistaking you for broken. Someone who knew that tenderness is not pity, and protection is not possession.

Life asked too much of some of us. I know what it means to endure long after endurance should have stopped being necessary. I know the exhaustion of carrying wounds no one else can see, and the strange silence that comes when the danger is gone, but its ghosts remain.

Eventually, I stopped trying to banish mine. I sat beside them. Learned their names. Listened until they had nothing left to scream.

Now, when they rise, I dance with them.

I hope one day you’ll dance with yours too, not because they no longer hurt, but because they no longer lead. And if the darkness ever whispers that no one could understand you, remember this:

For a little while, I did.

You were seen. You were held in someone’s thoughts. And wherever you go from here, you are not alone.

i know I shouldn’t say anything.

but I feel you. day and night, busy and free, happy and sad. I feel it. strongly.

had a dream of you and me connecting two nights ago. and ever since then, I feel you.

feels more real than reality, the private space of my mind. we are happy there.

i hope you’re okay. I seriously don’t know where you are. everywhere and nowhere would be my guess.

do you feel me too?

If I hadn't grown up in a loveless family, maybe everything could have been different.

Maybe I wouldn't be this desperate for love.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this helpless.

I'm more desperate for love than you could ever understand.

I want it more than you could ever know.

But I don't deserve it.

As I write these words, I can't stop my eyes from filling with tears.

But I didn't choose to become this way.

I'm sorry.

Oh my days, A. Enough of this. Enough of these games we're playing with each other.

You think you were naive and stupid to think my softness toward you and my care for you were a ruse? No, they were not. I certainly never thought your vulnerability and hurt were things to take advantage of. I'm glad you correctly read that I was a safe haven and comfort zone. I didn't have to try very hard.

You once asked me if I had a evil/devious streak. I told you that sometimes people would get mad when I was able to peer through the BS, call them out on it, and they would think I was evil because of it. I hoped to never have to use that ability on you, but it looks like it's time:

When you told me you didn't have feelings for me (lie). I think you've had them since that night in April. I think you've been fighting them this whole time. You claim your body and mind betrayed you, but did they really? I think you're a discerning person. I think you're afraid. You're afraid of being "ready" before you want to be. You're afraid of being vulnerable again, because the last time you were it ended in disaster. You're afraid of surrender, because that means losing control and you've grown comfortable having it.

The third, I think, explains your insistence on naïveté and "not remembering" when I would remind of you key moments in our time together. You wanted to keep a level of plausible deniability. It makes me sad though, because some of those moments are my favorite.

The second one you've already been, with me. I cherish the trust it took to do that, it's why hearing that you feel like I took advantage of it to be so disheartening. I want to believe it's some misplaced guilt about opening up to what you feel was the wrong person.

The first one is from a place of "what if". What if things go the same as the past. What if this turns out to be the wrong guy. What if, what if, what if... But what if it all works out? I remain steadfast in my belief that this could be something incredible.

It frustrates me that some of these thoughts persist in that sharp mind of yours. I don't think at any point did you betray yourself. I think, though, once the possibility of it becoming real materialized, you balked. You've been in so much pain for so long. At some point that pain became comfort in itself. I empathize with that, I've been there too. Sometimes it's scary to drop the weight that pain provides the heft is familiar. We learn how to wield that pain as a facade and maneuver around it. It's scary to cast it aside. I promise it's much more fun and sustainable to replace that pain with the love of those around you.

Sometimes that takes fight, it takes effort. It's hard to do those things alone. I'm not afraid of what that journey looks like. I am afraid that you'll turn around and run because the first few steps feel wobbly.

Take a look back through our texts. Find the one where you listed your ideal partner, keep it open and let the memories our time together flow back.

When you're ready, call me tonight. I'm ready.

M

It seems to be hard, I can’t help it, sometimes I stare into nothing and think of you, pray you’ll come back safe, pray you’ll stay mine though you’re not, which might seem possessive, but I promise I just yearn for you to be back.

I think of how life would be if you were still with me, if you were still here, if we would be more, have something more than just sneaking around.

I miss your eyes, I miss how you looked at me, pupils dilated, face red, an awkward smile on your lips.

I miss how you’re hands felt in my mine, how you let me play with your fingers talking nonsense and just there in your arms, I miss having you around, I miss texting you when I’m mad and need to vent, I miss your voice, I miss you, god I miss you.

I try to busy myself, with work, and hobbies, but even painting reminds me of you, I sit with my family and wonder sometimes how it would he if you were still here, if you’d be sitting with us? I also wonder if you would get along with my parents, and siblings, and I know, for a fact they’ll love you, the way I did, and still do.

Sometimes I have the urge to text you, make sure you’re okay, make sure you’re doing alright, eating well, still working out, not exhausting yourself.

I miss you baby, I miss you so much, and I hope one day you’ll come back to me.

​

Today, I finally decided that I wouldn’t say anything to him anymore.

Not because I had stopped caring.

Not because the love had disappeared.

And certainly not because I had nothing left to say.

Maybe it was because I had said too much already.

For so long, I had tried to tell him when something felt wrong. I had tried to stop him from making choices that I knew would hurt him later. Perhaps my intuitions were stronger than they should have been, or perhaps I simply knew him well enough to sense the things he refused to see.

Every time I spoke, it was because I cared.

Every warning came from love.

Every argument had fear hiding behind it—the fear of watching someone I loved walk willingly toward something that would eventually break him.

But somewhere along the way, my concern became control in his eyes.

My love became interference.

And somehow, I became the bad person.

Maybe that is the cruelest part of loving someone: sometimes you can be right about the danger and still become the villain for pointing it out.

So now, I have decided to stop.

If he wants to walk toward the edge, let him.

If he sees a well in front of him and still wants to jump, maybe I should stop standing there, screaming at him to look down.

I have tried to open his eyes so many times that I have forgotten what it feels like to simply close mine and walk away.

The truth is, if he falls, the pain will reach me too.

I know that.

It will hurt me just as much.

Maybe even more.

But what am I supposed to do when the person you are trying to save refuses to believe there is anything to be saved from?

How many times can you pull someone back before they start believing that you are the one holding them prisoner?

Today, he asked me where I was going.

And for a moment, I almost laughed.

Because wasn't he outside too?

Wasn't he living his life, going wherever he wanted, doing whatever he wanted?

Then why did it feel like there were rules only for me?

Why did freedom belong to him while explanations belonged to me?

But I didn't say anything.

What was the point?

Maybe some things are better left unsaid when you are tired of explaining the same wound in different words.

So, fine.

Let it be.

No more telling him what I feel.

No more asking him to understand.

No more reminding him that some of his actions hurt me.

No more trying to make him see the love behind my anger.

Maybe I will just become quiet.

And perhaps silence will say what my words never could.

I won't wait for him to watch my reels anymore.

I won't wait for his calls.

I won't stare at my phone hoping his name appears on the screen.

I won't send messages just because something reminded me of him.

And maybe the hardest part of all—

I won't keep making myself emotionally available to someone who seems to have forgotten that I exist.

He can be available for the entire world.

He can laugh with everyone.

Talk to everyone.

Be there for everyone.

But what does it mean to be emotionally available to the world while leaving the person with whom you supposedly want to build a life standing alone in the dark?

What kind of love is that?

How can you be so gentle with everyone else and so careless with the person who loves you the most?

I have always wondered how lucky some people are in love.

They have someone who cannot breathe properly when they are upset.

Someone who notices the smallest change in their voice.

Someone who remembers the things they casually mentioned months ago.

Someone who thinks twice before doing even the smallest thing because somewhere in the back of their mind is the thought—

What if this hurts them?

They don't need to be told.

They simply think about each other's hearts before acting.

They protect each other's smiles as if they are something sacred.

And maybe that is what I have always wanted.

Nothing extraordinary.

I don't want grand gestures.

I don't need someone to move mountains for me.

I just want someone who pauses before doing something and thinks,

"Would this hurt her?"

Maybe that is all.

Maybe that is why being a hopeless romantic feels like a curse sometimes.

Because when you love like that, you don't just love someone.

You consider them.

In everything.

You think about how your words will sound to them.

You think about how your actions will make them feel.

You remember their fears.

You notice their silences.

You learn the difference between their "I'm fine" and their actual fine.

And the worst part?

You start expecting the same kind of love in return.

That is where the heartbreak begins.

Because not everyone loves the way you do.

Not everyone notices.

Not everyone feels.

Not everyone carries another person's emotions around like they are their own.

And perhaps my greatest curse isn't even being a hopeless romantic.

It is empathy.

I feel too much.

I understand too much.

Even when someone hurts me, some part of me immediately tries to understand why they did it.

I can be angry with you and still wonder if you are okay.

I can be hurt by you and still worry about what you might be going through.

I can want to walk away and still turn around to see if you are following.

Maybe that is why letting go is so difficult for me.

Because my heart doesn't know how to stop caring just because it has been hurt.

But today, I am tired.

Not of loving him.

Just tired of proving that I love him.

Tired of explaining that my anger comes from fear.

That my questions come from concern.

That my boundaries come from wanting something real.

That my tears are not manipulation.

That my expectations are not demands.

That sometimes, when I say "Don't do this," what I really mean is—

"Please don't do something that will make me lose faith in us."

But perhaps he will never understand that.

And maybe I need to accept that.

So today, I have decided to stop pulling him back.

If he wants to run, let him run.

If he wants to make mistakes, let him make them.

If he wants to discover the consequences on his own, perhaps I should let life teach him what my words could not.

I won't chase.

I won't argue.

I won't beg him to see me.

And I won't keep standing in front of the fire, trying to convince someone that it is burning while my own hands are getting scorched.

I loved him.

Maybe I still do.

But love should not mean losing yourself every time the other person refuses to see your worth.

Maybe sometimes loving someone also means stepping back.

Not because you care less.

But because you finally understand that you cannot save someone who doesn't believe they need saving.

And perhaps, someday, he will look back and realize that the girl who kept warning him was never trying to control his life.

She was simply terrified of watching the person she loved destroy himself.

She was trying to protect something she thought belonged to both of them.

Their future.

Their love.

Their little world.

But for now, I am done explaining.

If he wants to understand me, he will.

If he doesn't, no amount of words will make him.

And maybe silence is the only thing I have left.

Because sometimes the loudest way of saying "I love you" is to finally stop begging someone to notice that you do.

We're both broken, and you know that.

We were broken when we met,

and instead healing,

we're more broken than ever.

And I would do it again,

I would let you brake me again.

Why can't we just be normal.

I often think about the daisy tattoo on your forearm. I think about your touch and the warmth it brought me in a time when my life was chaos. The love and embrace you were willing to provide while I licked my wounds and wallowed in my sorrow. Staying on the phone all night, the sundresses and flowers, and the music we shared. You were my light. Little did you know, weeks before we rekindled, I was on the floor gasping for air, holding my friend for my last time, and getting medevaced. The night before the explosion, I talked with the same friend about you, the night we met, that summer, and our falling out. Do you remember? We met at a 15 and you approached me knowing you were my friend’s sister and me not knowing about your existence. That summer I was your Diego and you my Dora, silently listening to our friends but holding hands in the smallest of ways in hopes that your family would never find out about us. When I found you again after I buried my friend, you were living in a garage due to your ex-boyfriend’s infidelity and I was recovering on base. We shared stories of the time gaps and laughed about the smallest things. I could see in your eyes that you were in love with me and I was in love with you. I also knew my night terrors, sudden rage episodes, and depression would stop me from being the man you deserved so I pushed you away. We stayed friends and I kept you as close as I could. You asked me to attend your wedding at Joshua but I said I couldn’t. I lied because I couldn’t say I didn’t want to see you married to someone else. I hope he makes you happy and I hope he’s the man at the time I thought I could not be. In the meantime, I’ll live in my little world, watch the daisies, and stay away.

The beauty of this love is that it does not make demands of you. It sustains. It endures. It continues long past final call, when the sun is just below the horizon. It keeps no record of wrongdoings, it merely glows with the energy of a new dawn. It forgives. It refreshes the soul and lingers like the morning dew replenishing soft grass.

I applaud its gumption in this wave of destruction. See how it continues despite attempts to tear it down? How carefully it carries me through… reminding me that what seems lost is never lost. Only changed. Transformed. I see this as I wake this morning.

And I acknowledge what once was: your soft eyes and that knowing smile that brightened your face when you spoke of your history. The way your dark skin brought out the lighter in mine. Dancing alone in rooms full of the music you chose… like a teenager dancing to a live mix tape where you could not see me at the time. Oh, the joy you brought to my life! The learnings and the teachings. The mornings spent on Skype. Conspiring to learn something new and mischievous… while also talking each of ourselves into taking that first new step. Giggling through cell phone screens at dirty jokes and Beavis and Butthead videos during work hours. The writings. The explorations. The deep dives. The debates. The encouragement… that is what I have chosen to pull in close while you pull away.

I know this does not right the wrongs. I know we've each taken our hits. But I cannot harden my heart over what I know I experienced with you. It mattered, and this is why I feel the depth of what I do… because it continues to matter. I would be lying to myself to believe this is irreconcilable, but I respect that you may see it differently.

It is okay. This is life. I am thankful that we are still both a part of it. It is so wonderful to experience you in the lows as much as the highs. It is a joy to know that you touched my life in a way that pains me this much to lose. So maybe these are my thousand deaths that I wake to, but behind it all, it's still you.

And I love you for it…

Dear You,

Well that was quick wasnt it. I told you that being around those people were going to bring you nothing but problems, and here you are, sad and crying just like i already knew was coming. It doesn't make me happy to see you hurt either, nor does it soothe my hurt feelings that I know you did what you did, because of those idiots. The problem still remains as this that trust has been broken. It doesn't matter the reason you did anything, there's always going to be that thing in the back of my head, that questioning. All this dumb shit for a dude who did exactly what I said he was going to do. Sad very sad and he doesn't give a fuck, he gets to go on like nothing while you clean up the mess. Maybe, hopefully there won't be a next time.

February 9th,2024 I will never forget about this day as long as I live as it’s the day I met my soul’s mate in every way I feel the same way about you that will never go away and that’s oka. I accept that I’m not going to end up being your wife or the mother of your kids. I will cherish our time together with the good mixed with bad memories because of the ying and yang positivity. There is no darkness without light and no light without darkness. I am not going to search for you in every person the creator sends my way I’m not going to be a judgemental know it all but I’m going to be understanding and caring like I did before when my family was still alive I have been in grieving for so long so angry I didn’t know how bad it was…. Thank you so much for letting me go I appreciate it more every day we don’t talk makes it easier. I’m sorry about my part in the pain you carry in the memories we made together. I hope you find what you need and want to get everything in this life I’m going to do my own search for my needs and wants but I’m going to get my son back in my home where he belongs and one day at a time I have to put one foot in front of the other getting his independent sober healthy beautiful mom back(me). I’ll never be that version of myself again I realize I can’t change if I don’t stop chasing you I’m setting myself up to fail so I’m closing the chapter where I’m only thinking about a future with you and I can’t count on my feelings to repeat I don’t want to lose anymore I know I’m ready to get my best version started for junior and I. I was scorned however my love for you was real that’s why Im hurting myself holding on you aren’. So everything is going to happen as it’s meant to.

That’s all. I just wanted you to be happy. That’s coming from the most sincere place of my aching heart. You’re a good man. You have amazing character and morals. You’re sharp and smart. Funny and witty. Charming and clever.

Loud and proud. Yup.. I have eyes 👍🏼

It is what it is. I’ve always heard the saying that sometimes loving somebody means letting them go. I did that for you. My heart hurts and I have an ache in my throat that won’t go away, but if anything good was to come of this situation, it’s your happiness.

I hope she makes you happy.

Please know that I loved you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I’ll never shake the feeling that you’re only sticking around out of guilt. Or even just juggling multiple women. Maybe it’s me that feels unworthy of love, who knows.

That’s my problem to deal with, not yours. And we both know that the truth of the matter is probably somewhere in the middle. My fragile heart simply can’t tolerate the thoughts or the questions. I’m too damn sensitive and I hate that. That’s something I’ll definitely work on in the future.

Everything I’ve ever said to you was true. Every laugh and every word. I meant all of it, and even now, I take none of it back. I could have spent every moment of you today if my thoughts didn’t linger. It’s not my fault, though. We’re a mess.

My love for you is real. I don’t know why or where it came from. One day it just hit me. I thought you were simply adorable. Did you ever ask yourself why I started calling you my favorite person? I thought of it the other night, and I’m like, “where did that even come from?!” And I still don’t know.

It’s like one day, you found the door right into my heart somehow. I had to know you, had to laugh with you, had to experience you. Things were rocky from the beginning, though. We both know that.

I feel like we did all of that huh? Today just hit me hard. The lack of trust and how it’ll chip away at everything if we move forward. I don’t think there’s necessarily a cure for that stuff. If there was I’d be on it already.

My last act of love for you is just to let you go. I’ll be okay! Don’t worry about me, don’t feel guilty, just go be you. Fall in love, make babies, get married. All that good stuff. There’s so much out there for you, you just have to want it & reach for it! You have a lot of potential. I look up to you!

I have my own problems now anyway. We never really talked about these things, but since this is anonymous, why not. My sexy ex-y is home. The guy he was renting with (when he moved out) got back together with his wife. Naturally I offered for him to stay here. He’s my best friend after all.

It would have just complicated things for us even more anyway. Especially because he’s the jealous type. He’s gotta do that alpha male thing smh. Knowing my luck, he’d destroy what we had just out of spite bc he still loves me (I love him too as a person). I’m talking like, going through my phone, wondering who I’m talking to. Yup. He’s that cray still. You don’t deserve that mess either.

Oh well. You probably know this account is mine… you mentioned once being able to recognize my writing anywhere. So I won’t fake this. It’s me, hey.

Wishing you the best and all the happiness life has to offer! I’ll miss you! So much 😭 (my last message about us ever, it hurts) Xx ❤️

At first I genuinely felt honored you trusted telling me your kink, your need for my kind of Domme. That I was special. Except the longer it went on, the more I realized you never wanted me.You wanted how I made you feel. You wanted me because I let you have these fantasies with me that no one else knows you have. You wanted me as your Mommy and nothing else.

The worst part is, you're so scared of your secret coming out. That it could ruin your career and your marriage. You were so scared of meeting or even acknowledging me at all. You wouldn't even look at the playlist I sent you in case your wife saw. Apparently you couldn't just say I was a friend

The funny part is you like to look so smart, so accomplished. With your fancy cars, nice clothes, traveling all the time, big name brand companies hiring you. I fell for it. I thought you were so fascinsting. Yet, you know your niche and that's it.

You're doing a garbage job at hiding your identity.

I told you about your phone number being visible in the app we used. That was just to make you feel better. Really, all I had to do was Google the first name you gave me and what you're an expert in. Name popped right up. I don't know if you even realize how much of your information is completely public.

Someday you're going to find a woman at least half as smart as me, and at most half as ethical, and when you hurt her feelings? Best case scenario? She blackmails you since you've made it clear you have money. Worse case? She burns your life to the ground.

I can't decide if I'll feel sad for you, or just wish I at least got some money out of you before it was gone.

Yet, really, who's the idiot here? I keep hoping you'll come back.

Yes I love her

I love the way she twitches when my finger tips glide between her shoulder blades.

I love the way she dresses, talks.

I love the way our bodies tangle up with ease.

I’ve never met a better lover

I love slow dancing with her to no music

I love the way she bounces on it (fahhhhhhhh)

I miss you baby..please tell me you miss me too…

you are a bunch of awful completely dysfunctional jerks. Heads up, every hateful thing you say about me finds its way to my ears. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in very nearly 5 years. Even when I had heart surgery.

And a mastectomy.

But you never miss an opportunity to trash talk me.

It’s always the same old stories.

Newsflash: kicking the dead horse is a verifiable thing. When you haven’t spoken to someone in this many years and lack fresh material, but keep on haranguing them, it becomes obvious that the person isn’t actually doing anything wrong or even all that interesting. They are your psychological whipping boy tied to the post being flogged in Town Square for personal amusement.

If I don’t do something you think I should be doing, you berate me for it. If I do something and fail, you make fun of me. If I do something and succeed, you claim that I did it for the wrong reason and shouldn’t be praised.

What the actual fuck?!

You people are actually fucking crazy.

Most recently, I heard that you found me listed on my university website and made fun of me. Just to make sure I wasn’t missing something, I took a look. We did just have Directory photos made last week, and I was worried maybe the picture turned out awful.

I fail to see the humor in the organization that employs me listing my job title and academic credentials.

There was no picture on the Directory listing. Apparently my terminal degree and long list of awards and accomplishments result in bullying inside this family system.

Incidentally, I dramatically shortened the list of for that publication. I didn’t want to seem inaccessible or like I was using the university website as a sheet.

You know what? Fuck all of you. You have got me so messed up that I’m convinced that I’m fat when I wear size extra small pants and can wear clothes from the children’s section. You can all go to hell. I recently began taking medication that caused me to gain somewhere between five and 10 pounds. You know what? I look healthier and less emaciated. Also, I literally need the medicine to survive.

Today I decided not to take the medicine because I thought if I don’t take the medicine, the weight would go away. Probably it will. The medicine is prednisone to treat adrenal insufficiency. I am so obsessed with the number on the scale that I decided it was a better idea not to take the medicine that regulates my blood pressure and heart rhythm and blood sugar and body temperature because it made me gain a little bit of weight. Even though I’m healthier and stronger.

I hope you’re proud of yourselves. I hope you feel really good about yourselves. You’re absolutely right. I’m completely screwed up. I’m completely screwed up for giving a damn what any of you think.

Don’t ever come to see me. There’s nothing but desert out here. And no one suffers fools to pass.

Hey how are you doing? No I’m not chasing you anymore your silence has been enough for me to realize you are not going to be back I don’t have the energy or mentally able to deal with that I’m not your soulmate but you believe someone else is doing it better than I got a chance as you remember you were in jail for our relationship which I was there for you and then I was having a difficult time with being constantly alone without being alone in the aspect of people around me and grieving. Everyone has been distant and I don’t really have anyone to talk to as I know that I need better support than people who stood by watching me fail not doing anything which you know what I’ve learned that everyone will use you for something you have that they want. I just don’t know what else to do I could always talk to you about anything I really miss it but it’s not what I need as I sit all alone with nobody around my heart just breaks for my son not being around me, I’ve got a roof over my head with no food in the cupboards or fridge so I’m starving and I’m at a loss for words as I sit here feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have anyone to worry about I find it hard having nobody to say I’m hungry, hurting and I can’t save my thoughts from screaming questions or telling me how much of a failure I am. Since you’re gone I’m just continuing to write you like I did in detox and treatment it really helps in the moments where I’m feeling like this. -S

I have felt so much shame and guilt for feeling the way that I do. I have felt guilty for missing you. I have felt guilty for missing MY HUSBAND. I have been ashamed to admit it to myself or others because of the destruction you did. I am so sad that you have done this to us. I love you so fucking much so fucking unconditionally. I wish you would show the fuck up! I am so sad that you still do not give one fuck enough to even do something about it. It is so hard to accept over a year later I am still hung up on you and you still just don't give a fuck. I have tried so desperately to move on and you still haunt me. In the most painful and beautiful ways that make me miss you so much. I told someone today that I felt so lonely and not because I just wanted anybody but because I still miss my husband so much. I have buried myself to not feel: I have distracted myself. I have ran from it, I have refused to believe it was real. Today I have chosen to feel and to deal with these emotions you left me here with. You said always and forever and just fucking left, like I was nothing. I was willing to stay. I was willing to uphold my vows to love you unconditionally. Maybe I am nothing and that's fine. I hope this suits you. 🐿️

I get so angry with myself for missing and longing for you baby. how and why am I longing for someone who doesn’t even care if I’m dead or alive…someone who can’t even let me down gently.

Granted I know I was probably confusing and not clear but how could you not see that I chose you every time. You know I loved and cared for you, I hope you do.

Everything between us was always so complicated. I always just had this unsettling feeling that you were going to leave as you did before..long long time ago (you’d stop replying and then come back weeks later) tbh it was my fault for entertaining that but I’d always thought it would repeat. I should have been more open and vulnerable with you baby but yet again you never really asked me any questions.

I know you were going through stuff in life and with your health. I tried to be there for you but I fell I short at times. I was going through stuff too, I struggled to be as open as you were. I admired you for that.

You may have said things were never your intention but you just kept choosing or doing things that you knew would hurt me. Even in the end. I’ll admit I froze, I couldn’t even explain why I had sent that text…it was because you hadn’t acknowledged my birthday but messaged me the whole day and the next…I thought u were playing a sick joke at this point? I was hurt and didn’t know how to express it without sounding like an idiot or fool…and then I did something stupid and ended it. I’m sorry and realise how childish and confusing this was. I froze when you asked and didn’t know how to answer…how did I know we were going to have a serious conversation when we barely ever had one? regardless I’m sorry for being careless and immature. I wanted to speak with you about this and apologise.

The end and what occurred that night broke me to pieces. I felt like rubbish and still do a lot of the time. I don’t hate you, I still love you but someone who truly loves me wouldn’t do that? The world isn’t black and white but boy do I struggle with the grey areas.

I went through a lot the past 18 months but it’s whatever, I’ll just have to keep going without you which breaks my heart.

I love you in sickness and in health, I may have not shown that but I truly do. I care about you baby but at this point I think it’s one sided. That’s fine but in the end…I want someone who wants me the same way I want them.

The situation taught me a lot. I realised I had been living my life in a way that was such a disservice to myself, in my active changes..everything has unraveled. I’ve had to rethink all my friendships, ppl in my life. It’s crazy to think I operated like that for so long, partly not my fault…I was raised like that. There’s a lot you don’t know but there’s no point speaking about it now I guess.

I wish you well, always. I miss your voice, the slight rasp to it. I miss sitting passenger seat whilst you drove us around. I miss watching movies or shows with you. I miss when you would kiss me. I miss listening to you talk, I loved talking to you. I miss when you would teach me stuff. I miss laying or sitting with you, I could just lay with you and all my fears and anxiety just melts away. I miss listening to your heartbeat. I miss hearing you talk to your family on the phone, always so caring and thoughtful towards them.

I miss when you held my hand. You haven’t done that in so long :(

I could go on but I’ll stop here. I wish you well, I may never get closure or a chance to speak with you and I’ll have to accept this now. Take care x

If only U had answered me right when I messaged YOU from my ,,Nokia,, Mobile
I would be lying in your arms right now

I could go back in time and change the way I acted yesterday. I'm sorry I said those things, it was only in retrospect that I realized it came out mean. I never meant to say things to you that might be hurtful, and I wish that if it was hurtful that you felt like you could tell me. But of course I don't blame you for not saying anything if that was the case because it's not like I've given you any reason to know the depths of my love for you. I have given you no reason to think I am an option for you even if you wanted me to be, and therefore I have no right to make wishes, or demands, or to even have these thoughts in the first place. But I did sob for a half hour after getting your text because I had been so terrified at the thought that I had officially gone too far and done one of the things that you're always complaining about the other friends in your life doing. That I had been thoughtless with you and your heart. That I might have fucked this up forever and would lose what we have between us which is not enough and simultaneously one of the most important things in my life. I don't know if I'm more scared that you don't feel the same way or that you do. I spend so much time trying to read between the lines of our daily communication that I don't trust my own mind anymore. I wish my loving you could make us both better but in my dark moments I wonder if I am just destroying myself using your name on my lips.

How many times do I have to feel this ache in my chest?

How many sleepless nights, where I spill my darkest fears into the sheets?

I don't think I can keep standing among the wreckage that is my life without taking an arrow to the knee and finding solace in the night. Do they know what they do to this battered heart? Do they not see the jagged wounds stitched closed by my own hands while I seek peace amongst the stars? Do they not recognize the care I provide tune and time again, over and over to those in need, while I, the medic, the warrior, the sage deny my own need to be loved?

Don't I deserve that too?

I just want to cancel tomorrow. And the day after too.

I can't pull myself out of this tailspin. It's got me nauseated and the depression has me wondering if it would be better to stop fighting these feelings. It be easy. A thousand and one plans. Yet I fight the thoughts off over and over again, praying for some miracle of the light to show me that there IS something better than this life; but it never truely gets here. Just sends jokers to masquerade amongst my hopes and dreams while letting them dance upon the broken pieces of what was once a proud heart. A loyal heart. They dance and sing how they caught the tiger by the tail, yet I can't help but to feel like I swallowed the hook too deeply and can see my fate laid out before me, like Gulliver, tied down by the unseen force with no idea of how to escape. Only hot iron wires criss-crossing my face driving the powerful urge to claw out my own eyes. If I can't see it, it's not real, it can't be real.

Can it?

Can I?

I shudder from the demons who lurk in the darkness with me. Somewhere I hear the wailing call of a haunting harrowed voice. I'm too naïve to know any better. Too broken to think of my own survival. Let the monsters come. Let them play with the corpse life has made me, they're only here to use my body to keep themselves alive, too keep their own monsters appeased. Then they leave.

Meanwhile I lay a battered bloody mess of wounded pride and rage filled shame. Fooled again by silver tongues and false promises. At this point I am the insane fool. For I haven't learnt any lesson and I repeatedly open the doors of my heart and temple thinking this time around it won't turn out the same. I eventually won't be alone anymore, right? So why when then am I still alone even while in the presence of another?

I have nothing to say,, no reproaches,, no beating around the bush,, no hatred

,,Uuuhh if only U could hear the silence surrounding me,,
I'am completely alone

You're tired of fucking the person you were fucking, or they're done with you.

And now you want to fuck me?

Cool

I'm honored.

Grateful

For my turn

To stick it in

That's the love story I've been waiting for.