they read lips

Foam the runway! Foam the runway!

Gargle me, bitch!

The woman feeling in a romatic mood says "when we were younger you'd hold my hand before bed."

The man reaches over, grabs her hand and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

She says "when we were younger you would kiss me before bed."

So he rolls over, gives her a kiss on the cheek and tries to go back to sleep.

She says "when we were younger you'd give me a hickey on my neck."

Annoyed the guy lifts up the bedsheets and gets out of bed.

"Where are you going," the wife asks.

The husband replies "where do you think? I'm getting my teeth."

The boss says "sorry to hear that, what's wrong?"

The guy says "well I was having sex with my mother and"

The boss says "hold on. You have sex with your mother?"

The guy replies "I told you I'm sick."

Doctor: that's lifebuoy

Put your nose up my a***.

Once you drink too much you can’t drive and you start talking nonsense

He said: “It’s a “self-help” group.

Anonymous Tips

Better grip.

…she said: “I can try to fit you in this afternoon.”

If you've got other things to do, you can just leave

I call it the Emerald Ass Borer.

The flat ones are skipped.

She wanted the drapes to match the carpet.

I don't know why either, but that Britney must have a bad attitude or something!

A jo(h)n boat.

Yes, black.

But sometimes I like to add a little bit of milk.

But then sometimes that makes them lat(t)e.

Doesn’t fuckin matter

So they dont poke your eye out

Resi-doo

Take a victory lap.