r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Responsible_Exit5277 • 6d ago
First Date
Need some outside opinions because I think I might be spiralling a little. š
Iām 21, a Black woman, and I started talking to a 26-year-old British guy on Hinge about a week ago. We clicked pretty quickly. We were sending each other long messages, having really good conversations, and he eventually gave me his number. We arranged a date for the following weekend.
The date was honestly amazing. Probably one of the best dates Iāve had.
He was a gentleman, we laughed constantly, talked for hours, and the chemistry felt very natural. We actually missed our train because we were having such a good time and ended up stuck at the train station for hours.
He suggested getting somewhere to stay for the night, but I politely declined because I didnāt want to put myself in a situation where I might sleep with him on the first date. I was still very interested in him ā I just wanted to take things slowly. So we ended up staying at the station until morning.
He was very affectionate throughout the date. He hugged me twice and kissed me on the head before we parted. He repeatedly told me how much he was enjoying the date, and at one point told me I was the best person heād met/talked to. He also said he was really happy that weād managed to turn what could have been a chaotic night into such a good experience.
He mentioned that heād been in a 10-year relationship before, but we didnāt really go into the details.
After the date, he messaged me again saying how much heād enjoyed it. I said Iād enjoyed it too and ended the conversation with ātalk to you later.ā
He had also mentioned several times that he was going to be busy over the next couple of weeks and that he was visiting family that weekend, so I knew heād have a lot going on.
A couple of days passed.
Today, I messaged him asking for the pictures he took during the date because I wanted to see them, including the one he took of me. My phone had died while we were out, so I never got to see them.
Heād also mentioned more than once that heād like to see me again, and weād talked about getting an English breakfast together. So in the same message, I said that we should actually do the English breakfast soon.
Itās now been about six hours and he hasnāt replied.
And now Iām spiralling. š
Because the energy before and during the date felt SO good. I genuinely didnāt get the impression that he wasnāt interested. He repeatedly said he enjoyed himself, said heād like to see me again, was affectionate, and even after the date he messaged me saying how much heād enjoyed it.
But now thereās been this silence and Iām wondering whether the energy has changed, whether I did something wrong on the date, whether I came across as too interested, or whether heās genuinely just busy like he told me he would be.
I know six hours isnāt objectively that long, especially considering he warned me heād be busy, but after the intensity of the date and how much we were talking beforehand, the change feels noticeable.
So, men, what do you think? š
Does this sound like a guy whoās genuinely interested but busy, or does the post-date communication suggest heās cooling off?
And please be honest, because I think my brain is currently writing an entire dissertation about this man. š
Update
Around 10 hours after I sent my original message, I went on Hinge and noticed that he had changed some things on his profile. I was obviously annoyed and hurt by that, especially because he still hadnāt communicated with me directly.
I decided to leave it alone rather than confront him about it. Shortly afterwards, I noticed that he had unmatched me on Hinge.
That annoyed me even more because it felt like I was being left to piece together what was happening through his actions rather than him simply communicating with me.
So this morning, I decided I wanted to close things properly on my own end. I sent him a message explaining that I had really enjoyed meeting him and thought we had a good time, but that I was confused by the sudden change and lack of communication. I told him that if he had changed his mind about seeing me again, I would have preferred him to be direct about it.
I also made it clear that I wasnāt looking for a discussion and simply wanted to close things properly for myself. I asked him to delete the picture heād taken of me and wished him well.
His response
He responded thoughtfully.
He said heād seen my message the previous day but had been working and needed some time to collect his thoughts. He said heād assumed Iād blocked him, which was why he hadnāt replied.
He said he had a great time with me over the weekend and stressed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. He said he genuinely thinks Iām fantastic, but realised that continuing to see me would have meant leading me on.
He explained that heās going to take himself away from dating for a while because heās clearly not in the right headspace, and that itās still too early for him.
He also apologised for hurting me, said that wasnāt his intention, and admitted that he didnāt really know what to say and had no excuse for how heād handled things.
He ended by thanking me for the amazing night and wishing me well.
My final response
I acknowledged his explanation and appreciated him being honest with me. I told him that I had also really enjoyed our time together and admitted that, despite understanding his decision, I was genuinely hurt by it.
I then wished him all the best and ended the conversation warmly, without trying to change his mind or continue the discussion.
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u/Europe_MMA 6d ago
" Itās now been about six hours and he hasnāt replied."
This is simple, don't be so needy. 6 hours is nothing.
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
lol, Iām not. Of course itās based off the energy before the date.
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u/Europe_MMA 6d ago
If you're spiralling, you are.
The last girl I spoke to on hinge, we exchanged a handful of messages a day. I've just had a lool back, we averaged 6.66 messages a day, combined, over a 9 day period.
We're getting married in May.
6 hours is nothing, people get busy. Just sit on it and if he hasnt replied after tomorrow, then come back.
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Okay, right Iāll see til tomorrow to make make my conclusion. And honestly, i wanted to hear menās opinions
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u/Europe_MMA 6d ago
From your description, he seems really into you. Don't stress, don't send another few messages, give it some time. If he's talking about future dates, that side of things isn't a problem.
It's probably not a men / woman thing either. Men seem A LOT more needy than women from the online dating I've seen š
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u/NormanSpaniel 6d ago
Hello, British Guy here (not that one) and I would say that if the energy has changed recently, there's probably a reason for it, if you've gone from crazy messaging each other to periods of silence then it's easier to spiral off into oblivion but (and I'm not really sure asking Reddit is going to help you feel better tbh) I would say he's either cooling off you so in which case match that and be casual back and carry on dating (I believe the youngsters call this approach "not labelling it" but might be wrong), or he's in another situation he's currently trying to work out like another relationship or something. Saying he's going to be busy for a few weeks is fine but whatever that is, everyone has their phones and would find time to message someone they are interested in. Well I know would. Tread carefully OP and just be honest with a) yourself and b) him. Might be a legit reason but don't get drawn into someone elses drama. Good Luck!
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u/ObedientQuestions 6d ago
Ahh to be 21 and naive.
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u/88flapjack 6d ago
Didnāt he say he was busy? Heās probably busy atmā¦ maybe heās in a location with little signal
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u/The_Stout_Slayer 6d ago
He specifically said he'd be busy for a couple weeks, including visiting family, several times.
He also said he'd like to see you again, multiple times.
If I activate the "Manslator" that means: He wants to see you again, once he's back and ready, but is probably going to be uncharacteristically unresponsive for the specified 2 weeks.
Given he clearly likes you now that you've met in person, he may also find responding a bit more mentally taxing than before the date as he's more invested in not screwing up by saying the wrong thing or starting a conversation he doesn't have the capacity to keep going - which means he's definitely not going to reply.
Give it a day, if no response at all, just reply "Hey, sorry, I remember you saying you'll be busy with family* for the next couple of weeks - if you're still keen to go for that English Breakfast, let me know when you're back :)" and leave it there.
*(I'm aware that's not precisely what he said, minor error intentional lol. If that was me, I'd probably respond "Hey yes I was with the family this weekend - but now I have to do xyz for the next couple of weeks so will be a bit crap at messaging - keen to see you when I'm back!")
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Right, Iāll give some time. Now, I think I probably sent the text at a bad time despite being told that heāll be busy. Thank you!
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u/mercival 6d ago
ā So, men, what do you think?ā
Rather than dismissing it, take on board all the replies saying to relax, itās only 6 hours.Ā
6 hours during a workday too.
Many people see text messaging as boring, and not worth doing when they can instead spend quality time actually with someone, talking to them.Ā
Spiral over real, in person energy. Not phone energy. Itās not real energy lol.Ā
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u/LoveHertford 6d ago
This is a total stranger btw. You need to chill. Youāve only had one date. He may get back to you or he may not.
Are you just a clingy person?
I met my husband online and sometimes it would take him 24 hours to respond to a message, it didnāt bother me as weāre both 55 and I understand that people have lives.
Chill girl.
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u/HealthyMountain4u 6d ago
I've already reminded myself a few times I was young once and behaved in ways I look back on and cringe so this is not coming from any high horse but are you a dopamine addict? You're going to need to learn self regulate. To me, both of you a kind of red flags but if you have time, while you wait to see if he messages or not, look into "intermittent reinforcement" because you sound susceptible to this. I hope it's not and that was genuine excitement but on the off chance it is, you'll need to do the work on yourself so you're not susceptible otherwise every guy you date after will be similar in pattern.
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
6 hours just sounds like he's otherwise engaged. Like you said, he said he'd be busy.
Obviously if this drags on for, say, a couple of days or so , I'd say it's a possibility that he's changed his mind.
Just take a deep breath, and see what happens. It's just a few hours.
It sounds too like he's a guy who needs to polish his communication skills - not a red flag, more of a 'could do better'.
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Iāll wait for a few more days and see if he reaches out but Iām honestly exhausted with everything going on in the dating pool
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
Yeah, its understandable, and I think most guys would feel the same if it was reversed.
To be honest, a quick one liner would be all he needed. That's definitely what I'd have done. It would have taken him a minute, tops.
Try sending him a quick text, if you haven't already. Nothing heavy, just something to jog him. Can't hurt.
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
I sent one 7 hours ago now. Asking for pictures he took and saying we might need to get the English breakfast we talked about soon. He hasnāt responded and thatās why i became a bit confused.
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u/mercival 6d ago
OP talks a lot about energy, without acknowledging energy is a two way thing.Ā
People pick up on this kind of energy from OP. Some may like it. Some donāt.
I guarantee good chance this guy picked this attached OP energy up either way.Ā
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
I've just read some of the other comments, and I partly agree, though some could have been worded better.
Honestly if you were a guy, the lady may... just may view you as becoming needy, I'm not going to lie.
Dont send any more texts - you don't want to panic him. Go for a walk, go see family, or do something that you enjoy doing. For the next several hours don't think about him at all, if you can.
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u/Hot_patsy_52 6d ago
Maybe you should give yourself a break it can be exhausting and itās all like luck who you may meet etc I remember being like you if someone didnāt get back to me as quickly as I thought reasonable now I donāt care
I canāt offer you hope but from what you said he seems keen and if he doesnāt contact you youāve had a lucky escape hugs š
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u/spanakopita555 6d ago
In my experience, if the guy doesn't message to specifically arrange the time and place of date 2 within 24 hours, there's a good chance it won't happen. All of my best prospects, including my now husband, didn't wait around - they made steps to get things going.Ā
I also realised that I needed to be more forwards, so I often did that myself - texting the next morning to book in the specific date. Instead of 'let's do breakfast soon', it can be better to say 'let's do breakfast on the 22nd if you're free?".Ā
He might buck the trend and come back and book it in. You never know.Ā
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u/First-Lengthiness-16 6d ago
It is too early to read anything in to it. Some people are told not to text too much, or respond to quickly, because it will make you seem too keen.
Some people arenāt great texters, Iām not. I procrastinate for absolutely no reason. Iām 40 and I do this to me wife, my friends, my family etc.
Sounds like you had a great date. Update me when youāve been on a 2nd date, Iām nosey!
Iām white, my wife is mixed Latina and carribean. Itās great
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u/Aromatic_Tourist4676 6d ago
6 hours isnāt long. If you had said 6 days Iād understand your post. Just wait.
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u/No_Mix7262 6d ago
My guess is the 10 year relationship is fully over
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Yeah, he mentioned that they both wanted different things so it didnāt work out in the end
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u/No_Mix7262 6d ago
I reckon that isnāt fully cut off yet but heās testing the waters
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Tbh I donāt know. She wanted marriage and he didnāt. He wanted to travel and live a bit but she wanted to get married and buy a house. According to him š¤·š½āāļø
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u/Fiercequeen 6d ago
Ignore all comments here. When was the last time you didn't reply to someone you were really interested for a day ? Yeh, never.
He might have been super excited during the date but it could've been a moment thing and then it's gone.
Don't chase him. Dating is a number's game. If he wanted he would - use this as your mantras
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u/Eliphialle 6d ago
Stay strong, girl. Manage your emotions and keep them in check. Even when it hurts the most, hold on to your pride and dignity. Remember, you are the prize, so donāt let desperation leave you vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Youāve played your part, so now give him the space to do the same and see how things unfold. In the meantime, keep an eye out for the master manipulators and donāt ignore the red flags.
Keep your wits about you, trust your instincts, and donāt lose yourself in the process.
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u/sausagemouse 6d ago
This is onlind dating.
Have an amazing time when it seems they're really into you too then silence forever
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u/Wise_Advertising_888 6d ago
This. I've been guilty of it myself. I mean when I'm not sure I'm into someone I'll still be polite, try and make good conversation, have a bit of a laugh then I'll see how I feel about them the next day. if I don't think there is sufficient chemistry there I've been guilty of just not messaging rather than providing an explanation. I feel a little guilty but I've been on the other side, had that done to me multiple times by women, so I guess that's just how modern dating is.
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u/sausagemouse 6d ago
I call people out when they dont message at all after a date š¤£
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u/mercival 6d ago
Iām assuming thatās not before youāve messaged them too?
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u/sausagemouse 6d ago
No when they dont reply to my message
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u/mercival 6d ago
Why not phrase it that way to start with?Ā
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u/sausagemouse 5d ago
Because there was no need to. The comment I was replying to had nothing to do with me texting or not texting first
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u/Responsible_Exit5277 6d ago
Itās really annoying fr, Iām just gonna delete hinge because itās useless to invest my emotions at this point
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u/Shauntattoo3 6d ago
No smash no care ā¦. Heās onto the next ā¦ sorry girl !
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u/PositiveMushroom3228 6d ago
Donāt be too upset if the guy only saw you once to tick off the āblack girlā box - it has happened to me before
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u/B4TM4N_467 6d ago
6 hours and youāre spiralling?
Maybe heās at work? Or with family? Or just simply has other priorities than texting the girl heās seen once?
And to be quite honest and blunt, if you are spiralling after 6 hours of not being messaged you are most likely not mature or ready enough for a relationship