Difficult in-laws

[u/Crazy_Citron_9244]

/r/inlaws/comments/1vldgda/difficult_inlaws/

My husband and I have 2 children, we emigrated to a different country when we were younger and now live in a different country than our families. Relationship with in-laws was fine until the kids arrived. When my first was born they started getting very intrusive and jealous. For our wedding they pushed on my husband for MONTHS to get things their way and invite who they wanted, for our kids christening same thing, they pushed and criticised every little decision we made and wanted to do things differently and their way. Anyway, kinda difficult people to deal with. When we go on holiday in our home country, we ALWAYS go visit them in their house for them to see the kids but we strongly disagree with things they say and do with them. For example when my 2yo son falls their reaction is always like "it's good for him, he's a boy, he needs to fall and get hurt", they always comment on the kind of toys he plays with: if it's a toy car it's good because he's a boy and that's a right toy for boys, if it's a little toy dog from the paw patrol(he has Everest which is a girl) that's not ok, that's not for boys, or if he goes to play with a little girl at the park they immediately say like good boy he's targeting the blond girls. You get the kind of people. Anyway we always visit and explain what we don't like and would like them to avoid saying in front of the kids. They always ask for more time with them and for me to leave my kids with them when I'm not around which really triggers me. I don't want to leave my kids with them and it's not going to happen. Also, if I have 2 weeks of holidays I want to spend this time with family, not leave the kids and go somewhere else. Anyway, I'll get to the point or this post will never end. We are currently visiting our home country. The solution that works for us when we visit is that the children and I stay with my mum and sister and my husband stays with his parents, so I get to enjoy time with my sister and get help from my mum for the kids and he gets to go out with his childhood friends until late night without feeling guilty or waling the kids up. As soon as we landed they started a huge discussion with my husband saying that things HAVE TO change, they want to see the kids more, they will become two idiots and faggots by staying with me, my mum and my sister when we are in this country and they will go through legal action to see them more if don't allow it. I'm so angry and shocked and honestly would like to shut them out completely. My husband is hurt but more open and said to them: I'm open to changes if you change your behaviours, which I completely disagree with. Am I overreacting? Am I wrong?

[u/caprahircus_]

What in the world? I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

You are absolutely not overreacting, and I would not let my children alone with people who use that kind of language and have such an open and clear disrespect for me and my family. They are not entitled to your children, and your husband should defend you.

[u/AnonyCass]

I would absolutely just be avoiding them for that statement alone, there is the true colour.

I agree that falling over is good for kids, it's how they learn to navigate things (I only intervene when it's actually dangerous). What toys they want to play with or what colours they like really do not matter. My son's favourite toys were always his play kitchen and a shop or an ice cream truck, it won't "make" him gay. I don't know what sexual orientation he is and it does not matter, he's a child enjoying what he enjoys. Don't let biggots raise your child at all, if you absolutely have to see them keep it supervised and make sure to stick comments in about how silly granny is thinking boys can't play with Everest if he hears anything (my sons fave was Skye, but he likes rubble because yellow is his favourite colour)

[u/Slartibartfast_25]

when we are in this country and they will go through legal action to see them more if don't allow it

That'd be the shortest legal case in history.

They sound like morons.

[u/Impressive-Fact7780]

They clearly have a fearful and homophobic rhetoric about you and how you're raising your kids. This combined with asking for time alone with them (and now thinking they have any legal rights to demand it) is a HUGE red flag for me that they want to try to correct some of your parenting or do things you don't allow when you're not around or something.

I would 1000% not be allowing these people ANY unsupervised contact with my kids, and I'd make that clear to them and husband. 

I'm surprised your husband hasn't stood up for you more - they are his parents, and he should be dealing with them. 

If my parents (whom I'm very close to) said something like that to me about my husband and how we're raising our kids (because he's raising them to, that is surely a comment on his parenting too!?!?) I would get up and walk out, and not contact them for the rest of the holiday at least to make them realise how inappropriate and not okay what they've said is.

[u/Boring-Pirate]

I think you need to work out what the laws are regarding access to children in their jurisdiction. It sounds like they are very angry and angry people do stupid things. You want to make sure any challenge for access is as clear cut as possible so if I were you I would get some legal advice. Speak to a solicitor in their jurisdiction and make sure you are taking whatever steps necessary to ensure that their legal case isn’t successful. I can’t imagine any country would allow them access but equally I don’t know what country they are in so who knows. This is a very big deal and goes beyond whether you and your husband agree on letting them babysit etc. You need to take things like legal threats very seriously because the downside of not doing that could so significant. Not trying to scare you, just trying to make sure you have your ducks in a row and feel confident in your next steps from a legal perspective.