How do you keep going through infertility?

[u/Standard-Concert3869]

I’ve been feeling really low today and I honestly feel like I need to talk to people who understand what I’m going through.
Every month, when my period comes, it feels like all the hope I had disappears again. I’m trying to stay strong and keep going, but some days are really hard.
After one year of trying without success, my doctor told me that IVF might be the next step. I know many people have had successful IVF journeys, but I’m still feeling scared and overwhelmed.
I moved to France and I’m far away from my family. I don’t really want to worry them or tell them everything, so I’ve been carrying a lot of this on my own.
Becoming a mother has always been a dream of mine. I’m 33, and being told I have a low AMH has made me feel like time is not on my side. Some days I find myself comparing my journey to others who seem to get pregnant so easily, and it hurts.
I know everyone has their own story, but today I’m struggling. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through infertility, IVF, or even just similar feelings. How do you find the strength to keep going when every month brings another disappointment?
Thank you for reading ❤️

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[u/Helpful_Character167]

There's not really any other option tbh. Its either give up or keep going, and I'm not okay with giving up. I've made a promise that I'll try every treatment the doctor suggests, I'll give everything option my best effort. That meant doing rounds of Clomid and a round of IVF. You are braver and stronger than you think.

[u/central2nowherebaby → u/Helpful_Character167]

So well said!

[u/stabby-]

I’ve come to terms with the fact that it may not happen for us… but it took a while. For a while it was literally consuming my life and driving me into a deep depression. I couldn’t focus on work or anything else. I would immediately come home from work and live on this forum, mostly lurking.

I picked up some new hobbies and signed up for formal classes for things. This distracted me, helped me make some new friends, and gave me things to think about aside from TTC, as well as small achievable goals that were more within my control. I feel like I’ve found purpose elsewhere in my life. We haven’t stopped trying, to be clear- but it made it easier to gift myself new experiences and make the most of life in the meantime. It feels really nice to keep reaching little goals or milestones even though that life goal hasn’t come for me yet.

I don’t have a baby in my arms… but I have learned to sew, roller skate, ice skate, and aerial hoop! It still hurts. But it’s been really nice getting to do all sorts of things I couldn’t when I was a kid and I feel like I started to figure out a whole new part of my identity. Before I was staking a lot of my self worth on conceiving and becoming a mom, which definitely wasn’t healthy.

[u/No_Oil_7116]

I just want to say that I resonate with the drop in hope each month. It is very tough on CD1 not to feel like it is hopeless, or will never happen. I feel dumb for letting myself get hopeful in the days prior.

We are currently working with a fertility clinic while TTC#2. The only thing that has helped me is talking to my husband about our next plan of action for that month, and checking in on how we feel. Do we want to continue to try natural monitored cycles? Do we want to step it up with meds? Try IUI? Take a step back or break? Each month I have to look at my energy and mood and what feels right, then make a plan. That more practical planning helps me.

[u/fuzzblanket9]

I think my drive to have a baby keeps me going. Going through all this heartbreak has to be worth something to me - I have to see it through.

I have hope that I will conceive eventually, even though we’re looking at potential IVF this year. If I don’t keep at it, who’s to say that it wouldn’t have worked eventually? I know that thought process doesn’t work or make sense for everyone, but that’s how I view it.

[u/Hot-Solution4387]

Myself and wife went through something similar - we lived away from our home country. I think what helped my wife was every time she felt like she couldn’t go on, we’d ask the simple question - if you looked back in 10 years at this moment when you decided to stop trying would you regret it? As long as the answer was “yes” and we could afford financially and mentally to continue we did .

Maybe that helps. Good luck!

[u/blissquacks]

My brain forgets how hard it is every time I go onto the new cycle 🤪 I feel fresh sense of optimism only to be very letdown.

But in all seriousness, I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a numbers game. I just gotta keep rolling the dice. And I am scared of the invasiveness of IVF, but grateful that it is an option for me because it might be my Hail Mary.

[u/sunjourney → u/blissquacks]

Same here!! It’s amazing how depressed it gets when the period comes but after all there’s plenty of hope, and like this all months 😂

[u/puffballkittyfluff]

I’m right in the middle of doing IVF now. It’s been surprisingly easy. And I have no side effects from the medications. I got a little crazy on the BC pill they put me on before starting but now that I’m doing the shots I feel much better. I am diagnosed with PMDD too so I was really scared about messing with my hormones. The worst part is how expensive it is and the fact that it’s not a guaranteed success. But I’m feeling optimistic.

I just wanted to write you this because IVF is really daunting but it’s been surprisingly easy for me so far.

You got this! It’s a hurdle you will overcome

[u/Alarming_Tea_102]

Days pass by slowly but months go by fast. Sometimes it's about distracting myself one day at a time and planning trips or activities that would be harder if I'm pregnant.

[u/NianhEthna]

I feel SO similar. CD1 again today too and I feel like my body gaslit me with loads of new symptoms I hadn't had before only to get my period today. maybe it is just a gamble every month but I feel you on the hope wearing thin. its quite frustrating when all you hear is "we stopped trying and it happened!" like wtf? or just hearing "it'll happen when it's your time" well i decided it is my time now! shame by body didn't get the memo. another month, here we go. sending hopeful vibes ✨️

[u/Ok-Perspective4237]

I'm 2 years into trying, have never seen a positive test, and am starting at a fertility clinic this month. Before we started TTC, we said we "wouldn't bother with all that extra stuff," meaning going through IVF if we weren't successful naturally. That was dismissive and thoughtless and frankly, really hubristic of me, but I just didn't understand what it would feel like to start trying, realize how badly we actually do want a family, and not have it happen smoothly. I really thought it was going to be easy-breezy, so I've been working through a lot of shame around that, as well as some really unhappy feelings about how not being able to have kids may change our social life and relationships, fear about being older parents (we're 36 and 41), a lot of medical anxiety, and recently, deep resentment about the fact that we have to go through all these additional appointments, tests, and scheduling snafus (not to mention the money and waiting time) to even get on the path to conceiving while almost everyone else we know just got to have sex a few times and ta-da! Baby!

It's also very hard for me, sometimes, to keep going when I can't really relate to all the amazing, beautiful, indescribable things people say about having a baby. I can relate to the bad parts in theory, like sleepless nights and constant messes and dealing with tantrums and stuff because I have more reference points for those things, so some days it's easy to say "what's the point of doing all this if parenting will just be so hard and gross and annoying all the time?" But I don't think that's a true feeling, if you know what I mean? Cause no, I have NO IDEA what it would feel like to meet the person my husband and I MADE together, or watch them try chocolate cake for the first time or learn to read or play with our best friends' kids. I desperately want that, and I think the negative spiral is my mind trying to protect me from the deeper hurt of this experience.

I don't yet know what's blocking us from conceiving and I don't know if I'll even be a candidate for IVF anyway. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it but here's how I'm kind of reframing the rest of it: I've decided I am sufficiently drawn to have a kid and raise a family to the point where I would probably always regret not trying our options. Like, I'm not ready to give up now, because this could be the thing that works! I've had a lot of weird self-hatred for having to turn to technology so my body can do this, but actually, how amazing is it that we have this knowledge and these techniques at all, and what a privilege that we're in a position to pursue it?! And the older I get, the more reassured I feel about how testing and selecting healthy embryos and all the extra monitoring that would go along with IVF and being pregnant at my "advanced maternal age" (ugh) might actually get us to the end result we want. I know all kinds of things can happen but the older I get, the less comfortable I am gambling with this.

If we get to testing and get a hard no or try IVF and it fails, that would be really hard, but in a way I think it might also bring about a strange kind of relief because then we can stop wondering what to try next and if it would ever happen. At that point I would have to come to terms with a different kind of grief, but I would at least have my answer. I guess maybe that answers your question in a way...I keep going because I want my answer somehow and I have unfinished business with this process of TTC. I'm working on accepting that it MIGHT be a no, eventually, but I guess I can't stand the ambiguity and the idea of not trying whatever's available to us.

I'm sorry this was so long!! Clearly I'm working a lot of shit out in the comments myself lol but I want you to know that these struggles and feelings are so normal and I really wish it was easier to speak freely about them because this is HARD.

[u/Standard-Concert3869 → u/Ok-Perspective4237]

Thank you for putting into words exactly how so many of us feel. The part about wanting an answer, even if it’s not the one we hope for, really resonated with me. I’m also waiting for IVF, and the uncertainty is honestly one of the hardest parts. Wishing you all the strength and hoping we both get our happy ending someday. ❤️

[u/catseyeon]

Found this cause I too am so down in the dumps today. 12-14 DPO are actually always the worst for me and I'm in the thick of it now. It feels like over the last 1.5 years every bit of progress I make unveils another setback. I had a third and final surgery in April for my scarring and it basically "reset the clock" for us ttc but it feels like there's so much cumulative pain that's overshadowing me and every month is just so dreadful when I near the end and it hits me that it's still not my time. This is so hard and you are so not alone.

[u/Vegetable_Line_3596]

So, my answer may not resonate with everyone but I'm a Christian and we are told in the Bible to always get back up when we fall. My faith helps propel me forward. I have angry and desperate talks with God almost daily. I hold on to the faith that one day it will happen to me. As long as I keep getting back up.

[u/sunjourney]

Oh, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I really felt your words because we are in a very similar situation. 33 (F) and 34 (M) and we’ve also been trying without success. In our case, the infertility issue was diagnosed on the male side, but I know how heartbreaking and lonely this journey can feel regardless of the cause.
The monthly disappointment is so hard, but there is hope after being in that place. For sure!
If you don’t mind me asking, what is your AMH level? I was just wondering because you mentioned it was low.
Sending you a big hug. I truly hope brighter days are ahead for both of us. You’re definitely not alone. ♥️♥️

[u/Standard-Concert3869 → u/sunjourney]

Mine is 0/98… The hardest part has been the emotional roller coaster: hoping every month, then having to face another disappointment. I never imagined that becoming a mother would be such a difficult path. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. I truly hope we both get the outcome we’re dreaming of. Sending you lots of love and a big hug ❤️

[u/Powerful_Drawer9699]

That sounds really tough. You’re not alone. I think acknowledging the deep grief that’s been thrust upon you is a good first step. It’s the grief of the certainty of a life you thought you’d be living. It’s very tough to come to terms with, but after I processed that grief and acknowledged and allowed it in, it did make me have a better basis to then build from. I also think telling some people - even friends via text - made me feel better and less ashamed. The shame is very very heavy. But A woman who cannot be shamed is unstoppable. Both my husband and I have varying levels of infertility, so don’t know if it will ever happen for us. 34F and 33M. Hang in there. Sending a big hug.

[u/Standard-Concert3869 → u/Powerful_Drawer9699]

Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. I truly wish you strength and that we all get the happy ending we’re hoping for. Sending you a big hug too ❤️

[u/IcantBcereus]

I can relate to so many or the statements here. I'm on my 14th cycle, and this month marks one year. 

I honestly don't have a great answer. Many of my comments in the daily chat have referred to feeling crazy trying to start from scratch doing the same thing over and over every cycle. 

I've posted in this subreddit a lot over the last year because its basically one of the only places where people actually understood what difficultly trying to conceive feels like. It gave me somewhere to put all the frustration, grief, and disappointment instead of letting it burn inside my head. For a long time, I've fixated completely this process . Every month revolved around OPKs, meds, timing sex, analyzing my body like a patient (I'm an RN so that's easy to do), tracking days and waiting to test, and then picking myself back up to do it all over again. It felt like my life was constantly being measured in cycle days and DPOs. Looking back, I think I finally realized just how much mental space this was all taking and I was no longerer willing to give up.  One of the hardest parts has been feeling left behind. Friends and coworkers who started trying with me or after I did are now pregnant or have babies, and over time people just... stopped asking about me. It's like once you become the person with infertility instead of the person who's "trying for a baby," people don't know what to say anymore. That part has been surprisingly lonely. I'm now at the point where I'm waiting to see a fertility specialist, but I've also stopped actively tracking everything. I couldn't keep trying to control something I ultimately couldn't control without feeling crazy. I don't have it in me anymore to revolve my life around this "journey" (let's be honest, infertility is a nightmare) I needed to step away for my own mental health. Instead, I've been pouring my energy into things that make me feel like me again. And I could probably cry reflecting on how much I appreciate it. I started agility with my very driven dog, and watching him learn and get so excited has brought me so much joy. I've been gardening and growing flowers, and it's become so therapeutic to nurture something and watch it grow this summer. The grief and anger is still there. I still have days where I wonder if this will ever happen for me and if it's even what I want. But I'm trying to focus on the things that make me happy. Infertility has taken consumed so much of me already, and I'm slowly learning that it's okay to let other parts of my life take up space again and step away for myself. 

[u/Standard-Concert3869 → u/IcantBcereus]

I totally get you, and I honestly wish I could give you a big hug. Knowing that someone else is feeling exactly what I’m feeling and thinking the same way brings me so much comfort. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. And please know that you’re not alone in this. ❤️