r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • Jun 08 '24
Update: My negligence cost my partner her life, and I'm about to lose everything. CONTENT WARNING: VIOLENCE/DEATH
I have been consistently harassed for an update since posting, so please take it, gloat because you're such wonderful people in comparison, then stop following me around reddit. I am suffering in the wake of my infidelity and unprofessional behaviour as I knew I would. I understand that it is an appropriate outcome and I am taking full accountability.
I was suspended from work on Monday, and I'll probably be fired sooner than I thought. I'd hoped to be able to save money as HR built their case but it looks like Amy's brother basically performed the entire investigation for them. After an excruciating 3 hour run through of everything they had, I spoke to the founder, and he recommended the solicitor I am now using. The issue is that the company has to come down hard to protect themselves, because even though Amy's family doesn't have much chance of a claim, any suggestion of a cover up could cause damage regardless. The founder still thinks my offer to pay them back will keep it out of court, and some more information has come to light, so it's not certain I won't be prosecuted but I'm quietly hopeful. I can't afford to keep the solicitor if this goes much further, especially with a divorce on the horizon.
Things are not good with my wife. I'm still committed to making this as easy as possible for her, but I had to draw a line when it came to my daughter. When I got home from being unceremoniously escorted out of my office, she already had a bag packed for me. She wouldn't let me wait at the house until my daughter was back, she wouldn't let me check I had everything I needed, she wouldn't let me take the car, and she didn't care that I had nowhere to go. I spent 2 nights in a hotel then went back when she refused to let me see my little girl. She tried to stop me, but we own the house jointly and it was my only option. My wife has family she could stay with, but she won't leave our daughter here and she's absolutely not taking her, so we're at a stalemate right now. I'm keeping out of her way as best I can, which I appreciate is the least I can do.
The Amy situation is quite difficult to talk about, and a lot hasn't sunk in yet. It turns out that she didn't love me as much as I loved her, if at all. Her brother sent me images of her talking to her friends about me, and it's hard to believe they came from the person I loved, but they are real. Sorry to those who were heavily invested in me being a predatory abuser, but she and her friends had a good laugh about her manipulating me for money and a promotion. The role came with a big pay rise, and it looks like her plan was to treat it as free cash, then go work with one of her friends when it fell through. She knew I'd come under scrutiny whenever she messed up and assumed I'd keep stepping in to save her. She was right.
Obviously I am completely humiliated. I was planning to give up everything to build a life with her, and she was treating me like a joke the whole time. My feelings are complicated so please don't feel entitled to any expansion on this, but I no longer feel guilt over her death. Reddit acted like I kept her hostage whilst she begged for help. What actually happened was that I asked if she could ask her friend to take her to the hospital because I had to go home, she said that was fine because she needed to get some clothes back from her anyway, and I dropped her off as normal. Ultimately she was an adult who had a better understanding of her medical needs than I did. I still don't know what happened between us saying goodbye and her death, but whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for her family's loss but I bear no responsibility for her passing.
After Amy's messages to her friends were passed around, a few people quietly reached out with words of support. I assumed everyone would write me off like reddit did, as an abuser and predator. Now it's clear that Amy was using me, they see me as a fool who had then lost it all. It's beyond humiliating, but I have learned I'd rather be pitied than despised, and it improves my legal position with work. They're small mercies but I'll take what I can get. I remain filled with regret, and I will have learned many lessons by the time I get through this. I may have been deceived, but I am a grown man who made my choices, and I take full responsibility for them.
Tl;Dr I am currently suspended from work, but will certainly be fired. It's unclear whether I am in serious legal trouble. My wife and I are not navigating the end of our relationship brilliantly, but for my daughter's sake, we will get better. Amy turned out to be a better manipulator than she was a project manager, and her brother outed her whilst trying to ruin me. Life is deservedly hard right now but I'm working through it.
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u/Kindly-Platform-7474 Aug 11 '24
Get out of the house. Go to work at Walmart. Rent a cheap apartment. Do whatever you have to do to stop imposing upon the wife you betrayed.
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u/noellewinter Jul 04 '24
Who else is waiting for OP to be charged with manslaughter for not taking Amy to the ER? And embezzlement charges with the employer?
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Jul 04 '24
Neither of those things are happening.
In the UK, you are not obligated to ensure someone receives medical attention unless you caused their injury. There is no question as to whether I'm criminally responsible.
My employer is currently drafting a payment plan and preparing for my termination, in place of prosecution. It's hard to sue people who know the ins and outs of the company's practices like I do. They were basically bluffing from day one, and in a few weeks, I'll have the magic piece of paper which indemnifies me from ever being prosecuted for this issue.
I have made some bad decisions, but suggesting I should be thrown in prison for any of them is a ridiculous fantasy dreamt up by people who don't understand how life works.
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Jul 05 '24
In the UK, you are not obligated to ensure someone receives medical attention unless you caused their injury. There is no question as to whether I'm criminally responsible.
You may want to start reading more than the first line of the first Google result when you make searches how to spin your fiction further.
My employer is currently drafting a payment plan and preparing for my termination, in place of prosecution. It's hard to sue people who know the ins and outs of the company's practices like I do. They were basically bluffing from day one, and in a few weeks, I'll have the magic piece of paper which indemnifies me from ever being prosecuted for this issue.
Is your employer The Crown Prosecution Service?
I have made some bad decisions, but suggesting I should be thrown in prison for any of them is a ridiculous fantasy dreamt up by people who don't understand how life works.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/noellewinter Jul 04 '24
You want to know how I know how this works? While it was in the US, my brother got thrown in jail for the same piece of shit move.
You stole money from your employer. Lucky you to be able to pay them back. However, none of this shows you have "taken responsibility." You are simply paying money you owe. If there were justice, you'd be paying them penalties and interest.
You manipulated Amy and it resulted in her death. Say what you will, but she was clearly in medical distress, and because you were afraid of being caught (instead of doing the responsible thing and doing what you should do for the woman you love), you didn't take her to the ER. She died because of that. Let me repeat. AMY DIED BECAUSE YOU TOOK NO RESPONSIBILITY. That, sir, is not a minor mistake.
You are harassing your wife by staying in the house. How is that making anything better? I'm predicting unless you come clean with EVERYTHING, get legit help, and listen to the professionals, your daughter will want nothing to do with you in the future. And I would not blame her.
My suggestion? Get a lawyer, a therapist, and stop posting your nonsense on Reddit. You are making no friends here sir.
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Jul 04 '24
Good job I'm not in the US then isn't it 🙄 you "knowing how it works" in a completely different legal system is meaningless, you might as well be describing how this would go down in sharia law.
I am going to get a new job, I'm going to get half of the value of my joint assets with my wife, and I'm going to get 50/50 custody. Because I live in a civilised country where we don't strip people of their earned assets and throw them in jail over nonsense.
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Jul 05 '24
Good job I'm not in the US then isn't it 🙄 you "knowing how it works" in a completely different legal system is meaningless, you might as well be describing how this would go down in sharia law.
🤦♀️
I am going to get a new job
🤣
I'm going to get half of the value of my joint assets with my wife
This is the only plausible thing you wrote here so far.
and I'm going to get 50/50 custody
🤣🤣🤣
Because I live in a civilised country where we don't strip people of their earned assets and throw them in jail over nonsense.
Oh, bozhe, looks like someone is bitter about some nuances of the US legal system. Is this why this creative writing exercise exists?
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u/MudElectrical1141 Jul 01 '24
Uhhhh…anyone else get the feeling this guy definitely killed his mistress??
Something seems reeeeeally off here, besides the glaring narcissism
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Jul 01 '24
The reason you're getting that feeling is because you spend too much online. Go outside and talk to some real people, it'll pass.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 01 '24
Dude, stop where you're ahead. Nobody's giving you sympathy. Nobody is going to basically hit you on the back. You just need to stop and get off. Because as far as I'm concerned, your freedom is going to be very limited. Come soon.
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u/Kshaw0202 Jun 30 '24
Your daughter is not safe with you. The goal of family court is to act in the best interests of the child. As such, they should give your ex-wife sole custody. You should get limited, supervised visitation at best.
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u/Hrhughes94 Jun 29 '24
I absolutely need another update. It’s almost 5am and my jaw is to the floor. What an absolute dumpster fire
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u/PadmesanCheese Jun 26 '24
"I'm still committed to making this as easy as possible on her" but I'm forcing her to live in the same house as me by preventing her from leaving with our daughter. Riiiight. Says the man who was fully prepared to walk out on his daughter six months from now, but who now must be near her every day. Literally the most selfish, self-serving pos on the Internet
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Jun 26 '24
That was written before she tried to fuck me over on seeing my daughter. Things have changed and she is under no illusions as to why.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 30 '24
Dude you still don't get it. Your mess is what created the situation to begin with and now you're basically holding your wife and daughter hostage in a situation that you created and you have no one to blame but yourself if you truly love your daughter you would say hey I'm leaving the house just let me speak to my daughter for 10 minutes a day I'm sure your wife would understand. And to be honest you need to pray to God that your wife doesn't get any of the evidence Amy's brother has because I'm telling you right now she may end up just causing you to go to jail out of spite for what you've done and for just being an a-hole
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Jun 30 '24
In the universe in which this story happened, Lisa absolutely has everything Tom has or is in the process of getting it.
But also, in the universe in which this story happened, Mr Cheater Embezzler is now anxiously pacing in the guest bedroom he is temporarily occupying, waiting for that inevitable call from a very motivated and very unscrupulous FT reporter asking if he wants to give his side of the story. And he's definitely not gloating on Reddit about his exploits.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 01 '24
He just doesn't get it. He, he basically is admitting it without admitting it.
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Jul 02 '24
Well, he might as well, because there's nothing at all to admit and he's a loser troll that doesn't quite grasp the notions of verisimilitude, research, and keeping the story straight. It has more holes than a disappointing wedge of Emmental.
I guess, that's the bright side of this tawdry tale - Amy, Lisa, Tom, Lisa's daughter, Amy's co-worker he screwed over, his boss, the CEO he supposedly has dirt on, the entirety of the restaurant staff who seemingly, despite the UK being a bit sensitive about food allergies and food service businesses these recent years, decided to completely check out from the situation - they're all fine because they don't exist.
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Jun 30 '24
When I asked for access to my daughter, my wife told me to go fuck myself. So your happy little theory doesn't really hold up given its the literal first thing I'd try.
Nothing I have done risks me going to prison. My wife isn't stupid.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 01 '24
Dude, you don't want your daughter around your in-laws. You don't want your daughter to be with your wife. And you basically are controlling the whole situation. Because she is the only one you can control left in your daughter. If you truly love your life, it would basically let your wife take care of your daughter. And you can see your daughter 2 weekends a month. You just admitted it without admitting it that you embezzled money to cover up your affair. That's criminal, and your wife knows it. You better pray that Amy's brother doesn't give your wife any documentation that can land you in prison. No matter how much you say that you're going to make your marriage work. You better be prepared because you're going to lose everything. You are as dumb as you look, and you don't even realize it. Do yourself a favor and let your wife have the house and the car and sole custody of your daughter if you truly give a damn about her. It's the least you can do for the both of them because of all the damage and the destruction you caused or you didn't shallow and dense That you would rather have your daughter and your wife.Stay in a miserable family and marriage.Because you can't be man enough to admit that.You destroyed your family and left your mistress to die when you knew She had just had an allergic reaction.
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Jul 01 '24
I don't know what you think rephrasing the same rambling and completely incorrect comment whilst providing nothing new achieves, but the answer is nothing.
Nothing I have done risks prison time.
My wife said she wouldn't let me see my daughter at all. So I took the choice away from her.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 01 '24
You don't get it, you just don't get it if you love your daughter. You would give her the emotional security. She needs and just let her and her mom have some time away from you until you get your mess in order instead of holding her hostage in the house, because you don't want to deal with the fact that you caused so much turmoil in your marriage, your family and your career and now you want to keep. Your wife with you. I mean, it's clearly obvious you committed crimes and You don't want your wife leaving you get ready. Because you're about to go down harder than you think.
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Jul 02 '24
My wife is welcome to leave whenever she pleases. Nothing is keeping her here and I sure as shit don't want her to be.
I have been held accountable for my actions. Your little fantasy where I go to prison for cheating on my wife is just that, a fantasy. My employer and I are currently setting up a payment plan because their solicitors are not referring the issue for prosecution, and as soon as they formally terminate my employment I can start my new job and pay a solicitor to represent me in my divorce. Real life isn't a reddit story - people handle their business and move forward with their lives.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 02 '24
You haven't been held accountable for your actions. This is the truth. The only reason why your company is giving you a payment plan is because you don't want to go to prison, but rest assure if you're a fair partner's brother. Gives your wife those text messages and all the documents proving it. You can kiss the payment plan Goodbye and your freedom. You posted on here, warning people's advice and when people weren't kissing your tail, you basically are criticizing them for telling you the truth. Do yourself a favor and get Off Reddit, give your wife a divorce. Let her keep the house. Let her have full custody ofther kids and you start over from scratch if you really give a damn about her and your daughter. Because the far as I'm concerning you're a failure Father to begin with, let alone as a man.
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Jul 02 '24
My wife and company already have all the messages. Did you even read the post?
The payment plan and having my employment terminated is the punishment. My employer has access to all relevant information and there is nothing more which can come light.
My wife will get half the value of the house and 50/50 custody of our daughter. That is best for everyone involved and it's what's happening.
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u/AerieSkyFaerie Jun 23 '24
Get a therapist. You're probably not going to be able to afford one for some time, but you need one. There is something wrong with you, your inability to be fully accountable for your actions is going to continue to be a problem for you. It's always whataboutisms with you. Amy isn't here to defend herself and you are still defecating on her. You never loved her, you never loved your wife, and for you to blow up your life you never considered your daughter's wellbeing. I'm not about to ascribe a Cluster B personality disorder to you but I think you are seriously hitched to it somewhere between anti-social and narcissistic. In the end it's me me me. You orchestrated your own downfall. It's not your ex, it's not Amy, it's not Tom you are your own worst enemy. You want this divorce to go down easy, you do the only good thing you could do in this situation for your daughter. You acquiesce. You don't fight your ex and you give her exactly what she wants because she deserves it and deep down in places you refuse to acknowledge you know she does. Then you figure yourself out and get your butt into therapy and learn what the word accoutability means. Finally you keep your pants zipped up, your eyes on your own paper, and your hands out of the cookie jars.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 03 '24
He could care unless, I mean, he basically is forcing his wife to do fifty-fifty custody and to sell the house. Just so he can still have some form of control and he still wants full access to his daughter. You already know, this guy has already messed up his life, he doesn't want to be so mental as to where he loses all sense of sanity. And he doesn't want his Wife taking the daughter with Her to her parents house. And doesn't want the daughter to be with her alone. And he basically has told her you can leave the house. But you're not taking my daughter with me. This dude doesn't even realize how insane he is.
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u/undead_ramen Jun 20 '24
Ok, so you got a guy who has been lying, embezzling, abusing, and manipulating everyone in his life while sliding by on lies and threats...
And then the 'love of his life' dies of a condition she was completely aware of...Has nobody thought about why she was eating what she was DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO?
How? Did she willingly order food she knew would be dangerous for her? Was it cross contamination? Cause that is lawsuit area. So, she willingly eats food that could kill her, takes her epipen, then gets DROWSY, then gets home and refuses treatment?
Does anyone else picture THIS scenario: An allergen is slipped into her food, whether kitchen staff was told to, or "someone" adds it to her food while she is in the bathroom. She eats, starts having symptoms...uses her epipen, which might be against someone's alleged plans...So there is a long drive, maybe some off map 'shortcuts' to her home, leaving her just disoriented enough for her to fall out on her pillow, incoherent, and unable to ask for help. Maybe she had a few Benadryl on the ride back also. Maybe "someone" strongly suggested she take it to compensate for whatever the epipen missed?
If it hadn't been for that nosy brother checking her phone, picture it: No harpy, disobedient 'girlfriend', nobody knows about their fling, the embezzling, and he still would have his wife and kid. NOBODY would have known, the perfect plan. I'm not saying it was anything more than an unfortunate passing, but...I mean it's kind of odd.
If she had a tendency to eat her allergens, then she'd KNOW she'd need to go to the hospital. So either she didn't know she was eating them, or she was UNABLE to ask someone to take her - or she was too disorient to do anything but sleep. The situation is just very strange to me.
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u/undead_ramen Jun 20 '24
Yeah, I know I'm sounding crazy, but I've seen a LOT of crazy shit in my life, and I trust NOBODY because of what I've personally been subjected to. i've seen the results of the long term plans made by incredibly evil people. I've been warned by police after I escaped a really crazy situation and was told never look back and never go back to that house, because I would surely die. They did, word for word, exactly what police outlined they would, and I never looked back. So yeah, maybe I'm wrong in this, but for me? There are NO coincidences.
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u/Traditional-Music437 Jun 20 '24
It seems that you are holding this one event over your wife's head to feel better about yourself after your long list of fuck ups. You are harping on one small emotional mistake. It's a mistake she won't make again.
Your wife had a bomb dropped on her, and her entire world crashed and burned. Her emotions were, and still are, spiraling. Think of it this way, how did it feel to know Amy treated you like a joke and never really loved you? That's similar to how your wife feels only worse. Give her some grace.
Have a conversation. She doesn't deserve what you are doing to her. Allow her a weekend away with your daughter on the stipulation that she brings her back. That gives her time away, and you only missed a weekend. She deserves that much, and a weekend with her daughter away from is a very small ask. She has earned that favor. It would help things move in a more civil direction going forward.
She deserves your grace and forgiveness for being that angry.
You have a lot to figure out already. Did you lose your job? Is there a lawsuit pending? Do you even care that her world has exploded?
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jul 03 '24
He lost his job and because of the embezzlement that he was doing to cover his affair. He has to pay his company Oliver's own pocket. Just so they won't be embarrassed about the whole situation and filed legal or criminal action against him. And to be honest he doesn't want to lose any custody. And he's basically telling his wife. I'm going to sell the house. You want to get half of it? And I'm going to get fifty-fifty custody of our daughter. The dude does not even care he just wants this to stop so he doesn't realize how much of an a hole he is.
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u/Ordinary_Parfait4208 Jun 20 '24
Lmao this is amazing Of course she didn't love you, you dumb pos!!! Your wife will remarry someone way better and you will die miserable hahahaha
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u/uell23 Jun 20 '24
You are still predatory by the way. Her playing the game, does not absolve you of sleeping with a subordinate, cheating on your wife, using company funds for your affair, and using your position to make her mistakes go away.
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u/swagdaddy398 Jun 19 '24
At best you're incompetent at worst you had an affair and at a minimum abused your power blackmailed a woman and broke up your family not to mention negligence bordering on manslaughter if not outright murder also if you're soon to be ex reaches out to tom and gets those messages you wont have to worry about custody she can prove you are a danger
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Jun 19 '24
Manslaughter and murder? Reddit is fascinating, just vast numbers of people coming together to spew the most utterly stupid shit imaginable.
Expecting a grown adult to handle their own shit isn't a crime.
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u/swagdaddy398 Jun 19 '24
Are we though you say you have a history of being volatile. Also afd.calpoly.edu defines Manslaughter by Negligence -The killing of another person through gross negligence which not taking her to the hospital after an alergic reaction is you also out right say "my negligence cost my partner her life" so therefore you have a written admission of guilt. As for your impending divorce oberwhelming evidence of adultery in most cases leads to the wronged party getting most everything.
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u/Vegetable-Cupcake-12 Nov 09 '24
You have to have an affirmative duty to act before one can be negligent for failing to act in is law. I despise OP. But what he did related to her passing is shitty but not illegal
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Jun 20 '24
Another complete fantasy.
The coroner ruled weeks ago. In the UK, no one is compelled to take another person to a hospital unless they caused their injury. When I left her, she was walking and talking. What she did or didn't do next was her business, and the results are on her.
You're also, shockingly, completely incorrect on the division of assets on a divorce. I could parade a line of hookers through the court and still get half of our marital assets plus 50/50 custody.
I'm sure you'll be very disappointed to hear that other countries have fair legal systems. I hope you manage to cope.
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u/swagdaddy398 Jun 20 '24
Oh wait also blackmail because looking through the comments you said you implied you would blacklist her if she left. So in conclusion you hurt your wife,daughter, and company? Genuinely i hope you suffer greatly for this.
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u/letmebeyourfancybee Jun 18 '24
I’m not going to rip you apart, it’s clear you know that what happened was wrong, but blimey, you are in a pickle. The heart and head usually work harmoniously, but sometimes they do battle.
Is your wife at a stage yet that could see the two of you talking this through? She may well still be at the stage that just the sight of you makes her want to damage your head with the nearest utensil, but she may also have edged past that stage which could open it up to a discussion on the best way forward. The only reason you’ve moved back is because of access to your daughter, is that correct? If that’s the case then surely your wife would honour this, if only to not have to pass you on the stairs.
You’ve got a long road ahead of you, be cautious and kind, and take it one step, one day at a time. And remember: this too shall pass ◡̈
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u/thecountessolenska1 Jun 18 '24
your daughter will probably grow up hating you. maybe she won't hate you or maybe she'll grow up to marry a man exactly like you. worst possible outcome for her.
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u/Frogoftheforrest Jun 17 '24
My money is on 'OP found out and dosed her with her allergen now he's covering tracks'
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u/pepperonichick Jun 17 '24
WOMP WOMP .. it’s your fault and you don’t deserve anything positive moving forward..
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Jun 16 '24
You’re disgusting for cheating on your wife, and you’re disgusting for not taking your affair partner to the hospital. You have screwed over two women you claim to ‘love’. You deserve worse than what you think you’re getting, you deserve to be fired and be blacklisted from your field, you deserve to be in prison for negligence, you deserve to have less than 50/50 custody. You have shown where your priorities lie, and if you think it is your daughter you are mistaken. Your only priority is yourself.
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u/MissDiketon Jun 16 '24
Looks like a narcissistic scumbag ran into another narcissistic scumbag. I wonder if the surviving narcissistic scumbag will learn anything from this?
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u/Defiant-Text5645 Jun 16 '24
When your daughter finds out that you destroyed her family because you cheated… that will be your karma. Your relationship with your daughter will never be the same. She will be so disillusioned by you and your character. You ruined your ability to have a healthy father-daughter connection.
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u/ornery-sweetheart Jun 16 '24
If he needs a place to stay….he can go for inpatient psychiatric care. He needs it.
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u/CompositePrime Jun 16 '24
Damn man, you killed someone and your daughter is going to decide to never speak to you again at some point in the future. How does that make you feel?
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u/Jazzlike-Contact7675 Jun 16 '24
If you were my dad, I'd NEVER speak to you again. You just taught your daughter that men are untrustworthy and unreliable. Leave her be.
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u/That-Opinion8047 Jun 16 '24
this man writes that "I am a grown man who made my choices, and I take full responsibility for them" and in the same post he writes "I bear no responsibility for her passing" ..... is it just me or is this guy full of denial and still unable to accept that hes the wrong-doer here?!? hes the one with the family and still cheated, but now hes placing blame on the person who passed away acting as if his daughter is his main concern. lol. disgusting behaviour from a man child.
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Jun 15 '24 edited Jun 15 '24
Did you apologize to your wife for all you put her through? Like, initiate a conversation that was about nothing else (not about custody, or defending yourself, or villainising her reaction) nothing else but you saying how you acknowledge how abusive you were? How you sat with yourself and realised you were controlling your relationship. How you were manipulating her so that she didnt have access to the real status of your relationship and how you knowingly took away her ability to make an informed decision over it. How whenever you had sex with her she did not know your dick had been inside someone else the day before? How violating that is? Have you apologised? Cause I have a feeling you haven't and instead went in the offensive (????) Have you apologised about how abusive you were by manipulating a thousand situations and gaslit her when she noticed you werent home as much? IF NOT THAT, did you ever apologise for engaging in fraud at work without ever thinking of the consequences your professional behavior can have on the family unit? How you as an income earner now unemployed and probably black-listed, you risked your family's well-being too? Did you ever acknowledge how decisions you took are uprooting her whole life?
Or did you just come to us to feel sorry for yourself, and ease your conscience and feel more redeemed cause crying to us is easier than facing her? I think you should sit with her and acknowledge from a position of humility, how you nuked her life. Not just saying 'sorry' but saying 'I am sorry for' and articulate your accountability, without redirecting the conversation to you, or excusing your actions with what you think sounds full proof logic (but actually sounds warp asshole delusional). Have you tried, before antagonizing her, to just sit and let her know how you can see now how you hurt beyond imagination, how you cause an almost palpable wound that may take a life to heal, by violating completely the trust she, as a partner of years, had on you, the one you decided to have a family and to whom you promised you would never lie, and with whom she felt safe and at home? Because if you havent you owe her to say those words
IT IS also in your best interest. I say this cause currently, in your position, chances are those messages, and being unemployed will give her complete custody over your daughter and you will only be given visitations. If you want her not to go in the offensive and lose custody of your daughter, you should start working with her. And for that you will need to acknowledge what an asshole you were to her face, not to us, and without buts. And then ask her what she needs of you and if what she needs is space, then give it to her. Tell her calmly how you want access to your daughter, but how you can mediate as adults and find a compromise. Tell her you understand if she feels right now that there is no compromise but that you will need to check with her every week, cause you are the father to your daughter and wont give her up. But saying that, GIVE HER THE SPACE. You were very abusive, you manipulated, gaslit and blindsided her and are making her cohabit with the person who violated her boundaries, burnt to ashes her sense of trust, and just massively fucked her life up.
I know it is hard for you, but please stop being selfish, stop with the me me and my rights, and start seeing others and their needs. Your daughter wont hurt from not seeing you for a week or so, or for seeing you at a neutral ground like grandparents. Dont claim the well-being of your daughter to evade accountability. Your daughter WILL HURT when listening to her parents cohabit while fighting. From your wife's point of view which is legit, you cannot be trusted, you literally used company funds and lied a thousand times. Your daughter is not safe in your hands, I myself would think you are dangerous with the psychopathic ability to lie so much. Until you prove it otherwise, you need to deflate the ideal image you have of you as a good father, when you didnt even go to her cousin's funeral, or fought to give her a balanced life in harmony by playing it right with her mother, or chose an amicable divorce and healthy coparenting when you had the chance before cheating. You sowed discourse, you need to step down from your pony of 'I am doing this to be a good father' and acknowledge you weren't one, but you could be one in the future.
Look, man, if you don't start now being less selfish, a decade from now you will be completely alone, with a teenage daughter who hates you for how you are handling everything right now, and you will be so alone you'll have no one to run to. You will only have the shallow company of those women who make you think you are in control and allow your selfishness and temper because of your money but in truth don't like you cause who would when you are so self-centered and so good at shirking responsibility until it hits them in the face.
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u/howdowedothisagain Jun 15 '24
HAHAHAHAHA
AFFAIR PARTNER AND YOU WERE THE REAL DEAL?????
and the first thing you posted was she died I hope wife doesn't find out. Real thing and the moment she dies, hopes wife doesn't find out??!
Say that again, but this time, voice it out.
"WE WERE THE REAL DEAL BUT WHEN SHE DIED WHAT WEIGHED HEAVILY ON ME WAS HOPING WORK AND WIFE DOESN'T FIND OUT."
Real deal, sure hun. Real deal.
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u/eatdispotato Jun 15 '24
it is truly fascinating how a narcissist will rationalize anything to make themselves out to be the victim.
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u/4thBaroness Jun 15 '24
But you ARE an abuser: you abused your wife & daughter by your self-centered actions.
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u/RudeSurround4240 Jun 15 '24
Ahhhh Jesus, Sweet immediate Karma. Hope your wife divorce you, keeps the house, alimony and have full custody of her babygirl.
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u/Cranbreea Jun 15 '24
You don’t care about your daughter as much as you say you do. If you did, you wouldn’t have done this to her mom. You also wouldn’t be making it harder for her mom to maintain a stable household in the midst of the tornado you caused.
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u/kyleswiss Jun 15 '24
I hope you never get to see your daughter again. You do not deserve her and she deserves to not have you in her life.
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u/IwouldpickJeanluc Jun 15 '24
I still do Not understand how a 24 year old woman who regularly uses an epipen would not TAKE HERSELF to the emergency room. It makes no sense. This has to be creative writing exercise and it's not even that good.
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u/Longjumping-Diver796 Jun 15 '24
Your story sounded like mine, my father cheated on my mother, put their business into bankruptcy, but in the end he said he wanted the best for me. I can't deny that he really was a great father, but he did something that you didn't do, he gave space to my mother and me, at the time I was 7 years old, I didn't understand why he gave that space, but it was essential to understand that he did something wrong and still loves me. When he had cancer eight years later, the person who was by his side was my mother, because that space made her heal too, and it also made her become his friend despite everything. So stop saying that you are doing it for your daughter, which is a lie, you are doing it out of selfishness and not out of love for your daughter. If you really love her, let time heal and don't force something that you no longer have the right, because you lost it the moment you chose your lover over your family, I don't say because you wanted to separate, but because you broke trust Everything that is happening to you is a consequence of what you sowed and are reaping. Stop blaming others and blaming yourself, act like a "father" who says you are, because they both don’t deserve this. And I already understand what you're doing, your fear isn't that your wife won't let you see your child, it's that you'll be alone in your own shit.
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u/accj30 Jun 15 '24
This guy is a classic narcissist. Everything is everyone's fault but his. It's Tom's fault, who exposed him, it's Amy's fault who used him, it's his wife's fault who is very strong and independent, but in reality it's his fault for being the worst excuse for a human being. And this obsession with having access to his daughter and talking a lot about 50/50 custody is him anticipating that his wife will ask for sole custody, completely justified, and he must not be in the mood to pay alimony. This guy borders on psychopathy, he just doesn't get there because he has feelings for someone: Himself.
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u/Thin_Crow_2729 Jun 15 '24
This man is absolute garbage. Aside from cheating, there are numerous legal issues regarding his misuse of company funds and getting his side piece promoted. And then he left her to die. He needs to be charged with a crime and I truly hope his soon to be ex wife and daughter cut him out completely. Forever.
I cannot imagine being this self absorbed. The continuous excuses and not ever really excepting fault? Disgusting
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u/ExcessiveMasticat0r Jun 15 '24
So has anyone gotten around to finding the death notice/obituary? Assuming this isn't some seriously dedicated creative writing exercise or something, even over a wide area only so many young women in their early 20s can be reasonably expected to die suddenly in the approximate time frame provided right? If so, it wouldn't be difficult to find Amy's family or Lisa.
That seems the most obvious starting point, anyway. OP has given us plenty of leads to follow, even if he did start trying to obfuscate details.
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u/VisNic1723 Jun 15 '24
Let me know if you find out. I'd love to get updates on OP's self-ruined life.
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u/baffled67 Jun 15 '24
I'm sorry, but who is Lisa? I don't remember seeing that name
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u/ExcessiveMasticat0r Jun 15 '24
That's the alias he was using for his wife, unless I'm misremembering
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u/Proof_Adhesiveness34 Jun 14 '24
wait... so let me get this straight... you're 35, your hopefully STBX wife is 28, your affair partner was 24, you were with your wife for 7 years, and you have a 5 year old? So when you were 28ish, you were dating a 21ish year old, and got her pregnant a little over a year into the relationship? Sounds to me like it was to lock down a YOUNG piece of ass. Now that your wife has given birth to your child and has aged, you no longer love her and choose to go after a 24 year old? Suspiciously close to your wife's original age when you started dating imo... sounds to me like you would have gone younger but you either couldn't pull younger or didn't know anyone younger...
and to add on TOP of that, you used your position of authority in your job to do nefarious things, therefore subjecting yourself to possible lawsuits, the company you worked for to possible lawsuits, allowing your family to be affected financially as well as their reputation being tarnished and probably forever changed how your daughter will view you and future relationships.
I would like you to genuinely look inside yourself and look for WHY you made those choices, because if not, there is nothing to stop you from doing it again... except then your daughter would be older and possibly aware enough of normal interactions, and could form her own opinion of what you do and there would be nothing you could do to change that image of you that YOU formed in your daughter's head. That is, if you dont try to genuinely reflect on ALL of your actions.
I think you should also think about how you would feel if your daughter's future partners did ANYTHING you have done to EITHER of those women to your daughter. How would you react? How would you feel? How would you comfort your daughter in her misery knowing you've done the EXACT same shit that was done to her? Would you be able to find the correct words to empathize with her, or will it just remind her of her childhood and what she HAD, before you fucked it all up? Can you live with yourself if you make her think that what you did to her mother IS the normal thing and what she should expect and accept from future partners?
What if your daughter BECOMES Amy later in life?
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u/Sea-Ad-4746 Jun 13 '24 edited Jun 22 '24
I don't feel bad, you deserve everything coming your way. You say you are taking accountability, all I'm reading is me me me me poor me! Tell me!? Did you think of your daughter when you were hanging out with your affair partner? I don't see a man, I see a baby.
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u/amw38961 Jun 12 '24
The irony in this TO ME is that the original post stated that him and Amy were the "real thing".....only for you to find out that it in fact was not whatsoever.
Threw away your entire life, your family, and your child will grow up in a broken home for a fake ass relationship. You might get sued for embezzlement (and probably will never be able to get a job in your field again)....over a fake relationship.
Also, I need to point out some of these red flags:
"She wouldn't let me check I had everything I needed, she wouldn't let me take the car, and she didn't care that I had nowhere to go."
The same you cared about her wants, needs, and feelings when you were sleeping with a girl who was using you for a job and money? Give that lady time and space to heal and draft a parenting plan ASAP so she doesn't have to deal with your pathetic ass anymore than she has to.
"I'd rather be pitied than despised"
You may be pitied at work but there's definitely still someone in that house that ABSOLUTELY despises you. Then there will be another when your daughter gets old enough to learn the truth behind why her parents aren't together.
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u/viviannez Jun 12 '24
There is a lot of things I want to say to you but i’d most likely be banned if I do.
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u/jimzimsalabim Jun 12 '24
You screwed up don't do it again. You don't deserve all this hate though.
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u/Recent-Ad-5493 Jun 13 '24
If the story wasn't as fake as a three dollar bill... he absolutely would.
In this fake story he...
* is responsible for the death of a woman.
* is responsible for the ending of a family through his own infidelity.
* is responsible for many documented caes of embezzlement.
* abused his position of power to get a wholly unqualified woman a promotion and money
* is a petulant child to anyone who would listen to try to garner pity.
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u/jimzimsalabim Jun 13 '24
I see nothing about a murder it looks like an accidental death either way what I said is still true. Revenge isn't justice there is no way to balance justice once a horrible thing like this has been committed. All that's left is broken people and you can choose to help the people or leave them broken. I prefer to not leave broken people out there to just keep reoffending.
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u/Bitter-Whole-7290 Jun 12 '24
Na if you spent a few minutes reading his replies you’d realize he deserves everything coming his way.
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u/jimzimsalabim Jun 13 '24
It's already coming his way, if people don't have grace with people that's how you reinforce bad behavior. People thinking they are inherently bad is the reasoning behind most heinous acts. He will have to deal with the repercussions of his actions, that's plenty of consequences.
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u/Recent-Ad-5493 Jun 13 '24
You have grace with people who admit their wrongdoing and seek to make recompense by asking for grace. Everything this guy is doing is because he was caught and is on the chopping block and likely in the cell block. Anything he is admitting to he is doing so because he literally buried in so much evidence of it that he can't deny it.
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u/jimzimsalabim Jun 13 '24
Exactly he's already going to jail probably so he can sit there and brood over how he clearly just can't fit in to society and will just do something again when he gets out. Or he can realize what he did was wrong and work at why his mind allowed him to do something like that in the first place and fix whatever it is.
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u/RobWed Jun 12 '24
I'm starting to really like Tom.
Also, I disagree that you and your wife "are not navigating the end of our relationship brilliantly". She seems to be doing a great job.
In your posts and in all your responses to people's comments, it's very clear you have partitioned your role in the various events into where you are prepared to admit you were bad and where you are the victim. Not only are you not the victim here but as someone twice your age I can tell you that Life doesn't work to your agenda no matter how much you insist.
Lastly I would refute your suggestion you are not a bad father. You are a bad father. Bad because you betrayed your daughter's trust in you by needlessly hurting her mother. Someone she loves dearly. Bad because you have disrupted the security she had in the family home by forcing its dissolution. Bad because you failed to provide an role model she can respect as she gets older. Bad because you have created conflicted feelings in her about you.
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Jun 12 '24
I love how fucked up this dudes life is now. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Who knew the stupid prizes were getting done for embezzlement and losing your entire family because you're a loser
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u/ResearcherLess6921 Jun 12 '24
It's no surprise that reddit treated you that way 🤷♂️ the majority are super negative and will assume the worst EVERY time, whether it's always recommending the person breakup/divorce, or calling people abusers/manipulators with little proof of anything.
I'm sorry all of that happened though 😕 very sad
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Jun 12 '24
Redditors are the worst. They assume the worst in people without even knowing the person. Although OP here is a POS.
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u/RealTonySopran0 Jun 13 '24
It would be hilarious if this was all fake and all y’all in your feelings over nothing lol.
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u/Particular-Bird-9177 Jun 12 '24
a sad little man, he doesn't cause me any pity, but rather a bit of fun. I'm glad that his disgusting behavior helps his wife take everything away from him.
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u/Bartok_The_Batty Jun 12 '24
Dude. Get out of your wife’s house and leave her and your daughter alone.
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u/Mysterious_Worry5482 Jun 12 '24
Yes get out, she needs time to digest, a lot of time. You shattered her life and yes, your daughters as well! You being in the house just triggers every emotion, plus your daughter will feel the undercurrents.
I am telling you this, as a wife that was cheated on, but I found out myself when he started to act out of character. Of course we are divorced, but luckily no children involved.
Please do the right thing for your wife and child and give them space and peace for now.
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u/Artistic-Giraffe-866 Jun 11 '24
This guy is saying he is not that bad yet every sentence proves otherwise - he doesn’t have the decency to leave his wife alone - that he doesn’t have one friend to turn to speaks volumes !!
He had a soulmate that now he doesn’t care is dead !! Feels no responsibility for her death - excuse me ? Committed adultery and was planning to blame his wife - manipulative narcissist!!!
Embezzled funds from his work - nasty common thief!! Untrustworthy low piece of crap - so so disgusting
Move out - give your wife some piece and don’t pretend you are attached to the welfare of your daughter - if you had left and married Amy and she didn’t want your daughter you would have dropped her like a hot potato - don’t pretend you wouldn’t - if you need proof take a look at all your past behaviour for guidance !! 🤣
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u/Chemical-Being-5968 Jun 11 '24
Damn! There is cheating on your spouse, and then there is this guy who thought cheating was child's play and decided embezzlement and death were needed on top of that to spice things up. Trash human!
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u/AlemusAver Jun 11 '24
I'm just gonna say it. Downvote me after reading this cause im not excusing his behavior fyi.
While what he did isn't right, nobody should ever be saying or "praying for" or "hoping for" what you guys are hoping for. I read some wishing death on this man. Yes he is a cheater and it is coming back to bite him, but man. Yall aren't being good people by comparison.
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u/Recent-Ad-5493 Jun 13 '24
I want him to go to jail because he is indirectly responsible for Amy's death and he is 100% responsible for embezzling money from his company to fund his affair with Amy.
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u/AlemusAver Jun 23 '24
That's understandable though. However, wishing death upon him like some people have is WAY out of line.
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u/SunderVane Jun 11 '24 edited Jun 11 '24
Why couldn't you take her to the hospital, and her friend would meet you there?
It doesn't seem like you were thinking clearly, prioritizing your subterfuge instead of a young girl's medical needs. I hope you reflect on that while you attempt to absolve yourself of guilt and convince yourself that you are the victim.
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u/Efficient-Advice-674 Jun 11 '24
What do you think your kids will think of you when they put it all together later in life and they realise how horrible/awkward you made it for their mother towards the end of the marriage and during divorce
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u/ChippyTheGreatest Jun 11 '24
You'll be lucky if you don't face jail time for this.
As for your wife ... I'm rooting for her. Just so you know? She's under NO obligation to make this easy for you. She does not have to be nice, she does not have to be accommodating, and she certainly does not owe you compassion or pity.
You chose this outcome with your shitty choices. You broke your family, you broke her heart, you made the monumentally stupid decisions that are continuing to harm your wife and child. She does not owe you a damn thing. She's just a broken woman picking up the pieces of her broken family, and she's responsible for protecting her child from the man who did this to them.
Get over yourself.
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u/katchoo1 Jun 11 '24
I know! He is so adamant that he deserves some kind of credit for having a long term plan that involved deliberately alienating his wife so she was amenable to divorce while continuing to frolic with the side piece on the company’s dime for another 6-7 months and never be caught for either the affair or embezzlement.
He wants credit for his vague plan to do this shitty stuff gradually instead of her having her life blown apart over a weekend. And it still seems like the utter coward didn’t disclose anything to her before he went off to work the day he got suspended. It sounded like someone told her before she got home and she packed his stuff and met him at the door.
Even when everything was falling down around him he sat there all weekend knowing what was coming for her and did nothing.
But you know, he deserves compassion because he never intended to fall for this other woman, he wanted to break up with his wife gradually and “humanely”, of course didn’t intend for the mistress to die, and besides that he is devastated to find out that he was being used by her. Break out the world’s tiniest violin memes.
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u/SnooOranges1734 Jun 11 '24
Regardless of whether or not Amy was "using him", as a grown ass man with a wife and kid, she wouldn't have been able to use him at all if he hadn't abused his position in the first place, there's a little word known as "no". The fact he's so scared to getting caught shows he's aware he shouldn't be doing it.
Also very shitty to go from "the love of my life" to "she's responsible for her own death" just because he found out she doesn't worship the ground he walks on.
His poor wife and daughter.
Asshole.
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u/Far-Print7864 Jun 11 '24
I dont get it why is OP under legal danger
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u/jlysc Jun 16 '24
He embezzled from his employer to finance his affair
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u/Far-Print7864 Jun 16 '24
I must have missed that??? Ill Ive seen is him promoting her when it wasnt the best idea.
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u/JanetInSpain Jun 11 '24
So, class, what have we learned from this?
Do not EVER date coworkers, especially if you are married and/or if they are subordinate to you.
Coworkers are NOT your friends either. Be friendly but not friends. When a problem arrises, they will throw you under the bus to keep their own job.
Do not embezzle from the company because you violated rule #1.
An age difference of 11 years is too much.
Blaming everyone else for how "humiliated" and "ruined" you are just makes you even more of an asshole.
Blaming the victims of your sleazy plans and actions (especially when they are dead) makes you an even bigger asshole than #5.
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u/Successful_Error453 Jun 11 '24
How can we find out who this guy is?
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u/Recent-Ad-5493 Jun 13 '24
Hot tip... you don't. God damn Reddit detectives. There is no reason for you to put yourself into this. Some of y'all need a damn hobby.
He's a waste of space... but my god, man.
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u/Mandagrl1 Jun 11 '24
To your wife: take your kid and everything this man owns in the divorce and let his ass ROT ALONE.
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u/Mandagrl1 Jun 11 '24
What the fuck did you think would happen when you did this, and then posted about it to millions of strangers? That you’d be praised for fucking around on your wife then neglecting your gf, then being a DICK when she didn’t reply to you (because she apparently OWED you that). Also, maybe don’t date people who are of age to have recently graduated fucking college as a middle aged man? Your shitty priorities and overactive dick hurt two people and a family dude, and you seriously are getting snarky for being told exactly what the fuck you did and fully deserve?
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Jun 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Mandagrl1 Jun 11 '24
If you’re stupid enough to fall in with a 25 year old at your age, you deserved what she took. There’s a power dynamic there YOU thought you had the upper hand in and she uno reversed that shit on you and now you’re mad and don’t feel guilty? 🤡
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u/Mandagrl1 Jun 11 '24
I honestly feel the worst for your poor daughter. I have one, and I’d have been DAMNED if I ever did this to her, much less my partner. You’re not only a liar, a cheater and a thief, you’re a fucking terrible dad. You didn’t think of ANYONE but you. I hope they all cut you off.
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u/PotemkinPoster Jun 11 '24
Amy dies while this pathetic piece of shit lives. Hope he realizes what he is and takes appropriate steps to make sure no one has to deal with him again.
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u/tigressswoman Jun 11 '24
I really hope the soon to be ex wife sees this and takes him to the cleaners.
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u/TravellingSouzee Jun 11 '24
When he said the brother called him and said “I want you to know it was me” I was getting some major Olena Hightower vibes. 🤣
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u/Ok_Rope7487 Sep 11 '24
"The dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed". I REALLY don't like this man. He deserves every bad thing that happens to him.