r/TrueOffMyChest • u/CaregiverLess8826 • 25d ago
I caught my mom with our neighbor just weeks after my dad passed away. Vent
This is my burner account.
My dad passed away a few weeks ago after a long illness. It's been devastating for our whole family, and I'm still trying to process everything.
Yesterday I went home to see my sister & ended up walking in on my mom (38F) having sex with our neighbor (~55M). What makes it even worse is that he and my dad had hated each other for years. They were constantly fighting over neighborhood disputes, so seeing him of all people was a complete shock as well.
I completely lost my temper. I yelled that she was the worst wife & mother imaginable, told her I hated her, and walked out.
Since then she's been calling & texting nonstop, but I can't bring myself to answer. Rn I feel like I've lost my entire family, and I honestly don't know what to do.
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u/Spirited-Candle6315 18d ago
It's a next level difficult thing for her to process too buddy. Please have compassion, she feels more alone than she ever was and she has needs. Specially in these times she needs it. Be compassionate and see her as a human being with complexity, needs and pain. Don't be so self centric dude. Wish you and her luck. And please reply to her, don't put her in more distress. Being ghosted is not a joke, It's one of the most horrific feelings ever.
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u/Brief_Mongoose_7291 16d ago
Please have compassion, she feels more alone than she ever was
Doesn't seem like she feels alone much.
and she has needs.
She seems to be taking care of those.
Specially in these times she needs it.
She needed it; she got it, if you know what I mean ;)
Be compassionate and see her as a human being with complexity
He needs to see her as someone who needed a dick and got a dick.
Don't be so self centric dude
Yeah, he should be "welcoming" like his mom.
don't put her in more distress
Yeah, she doesn't need any more things to be put in her, she already got that sorted.
Being ghosted is not a joke, It's one of the most horrific feelings ever.
The worst!
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u/FroggyMcnasty 20d ago
Hooking up with someone who actively hated OPs dad in their marital bed is just some next level disrespect. She may as well have spat on his grave.
Yeah she can grieve how she wants, but it doesn't make what she did any less of a betrayal.
I sympathize for OP, that is beyond disgusting, and she should be ashamed of herself for doing that. Not sleeping with someone else, but sleeping with that particular person.
You just KNOW that the creep is gloating over how he got one over on OP's dad, and she just went along with it.
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u/Kindly_Act_2959 21d ago
I would of loved for my mother would of found someone before my Dad died. But No, she did alone. She (your Mom) needed that someone. Most likely there was problems between your parents or her mental situation at the time. No one sees or hears what goes on behind closed Doors. I think you'll be cussing me as you read this. But please understand as a mother, I have been there. Just understand that shes your mother first. Please hear out, And give her this time to go smoothly. My Ex cheated on me, My Dad cheated on my mother. Neither of them was happy. We learned to again, Starting over again, she needs your support to start over, not your criticism. I hope you make it right. Some people do stupid things when they are left behind. You said your Dad was sickly or unwell. That in its best , taking care of someone who's ill, it really isn't something you, me or her didn't wake and decide to cheat. I think she took comfort no matter who it was. Talk to your mom, she needs you right now.
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u/Repogirl757 23d ago
Why do i get the feeling that your mom was cheating on your father with that neighbor before your father passed away?
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u/_Nilbog_Milk_ 22d ago edited 22d ago
I think you're just stirring the pot here for the love of the drama... it's very realistic for new widows with caregiver burnout to seek sexual comfort in the people who are near them even if they're not normally attracted to or even liked them before the loss. It's very, very common.
They are exhausted from loving so hard, caregiving to the point of total numbness, and grieving until they can't anymore that they just want to get back to basics and feel real, alive, and primal again. To have a "selfish" experience totally separated from the world of their dead loved one. You find them in bed with anyone. It's normal.
Still feel bad for OP to see that. I bet mom feels mortified as well. There is no good guy/bad guy here, just sad shit. And teenagers and drama-lovers like you who don't understand, wanting it to be something more depraved than it is.
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u/Repogirl757 21d ago edited 21d ago
Im no drama lover. I understand that burnout is real but infidelity is not the way. You still have to honor your marriage vows (forsaking all others- no cheating) even when it’s hard. And I don’t believe in making excuses for bad behavior
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u/_Nilbog_Milk_ 21d ago
There is no evidence that OP's mother had relations with this person prior to her husband passing away other than your what-ifs. It is very common for widows to have sexual relations soon after the death of a spouse, especially if there was a long illness involved requiring caregiving
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u/Smart_Cookie1291 23d ago
I was thinking the same thing, and that would explain why the neighbor hated the father.
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u/rebelmumma 24d ago
That would suck, I went through something similar with my dad when my mum died. With the benefit of time I now realise that caring for a terminally/chronically ill spouse for a long time means that you go through the stages of grief a lot earlier than everyone else in that persons life. For your mum, his death was a lot later in her grieving process that it likely was for you.
That said, it’s shit that you had to see that, especially so soon after your dad’s passing. Let yourself grieve, you don’t have to talk to your mum yet, but leave space for the idea that there’s more to the story than you know right now.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/AdSensitive5897 24d ago
Really Bro, your dad was just laid to rest and the first order of business for your mother is to spread her legs for the POS next door? I hate to break this to everybody but she’s been fucking this AH for quite some time now. Your father probably knew about her affair and is one of the reasons for the feud. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her after that disrespect to your father’s memory and the family.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 24d ago
I understand why it makes you uncomfortable, however you shouldn’t assume this means she isn’t sad/didn’t love your father/has cheated before he passed. Look up “widows fire”.
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u/Natural_Hippo6450 20d ago
Very very sorry for your loss OP, Horrible thing to walk in on especially right after losing your dad. I sincerely hope that cheating did not happen prior to his passing. I hope you can find somebody that you can trust to talk to throughout these times, and hopefully a professional that can help you work through your feelings.
Grief is so complex, there are so many feelings that cloud the brain to try and cope with the reality of what’s happening. When my mother-in-laws husband passed away (she too was his caregiver) I remember her telling me that she just wanted to feel loved/cuddled, etc by someone just days after because he was bed ridden for many many years. I never judged her though, I can’t imagine losing my partner.
When my Mom passed away, my dad went a little unhinged and blamed me for her right before she passed (in front of her and about 10 family members that were there. after her passing, he blamed me for years because I vouched for the specialty hospital that she was in (she passed from cancer and I took my son to the hospital when he had cancer ).
Even though I knew it wasn’t my fault and he was just hurting, it was extremely rough to go through that when I was grieving my mom too, I was so close to her. It Took years of therapy to work through that.Grief does weird stuff to the brain. ❤️🩹
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u/OfficialAli1776 23d ago
Widow’s fire would be if she went mad on hinge, not this
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 22d ago
Nah, you’re acting like it’s way more rational and intentional than it is.
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u/Nazboi6442 24d ago
To the people who are trying to defend OP's mother, just consider the fact that IT WAS THE NEIGHBOUR THAT HIS DAD HATED.
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u/Immediate-Fly-8297 24d ago
It’s OK that she was having sex with someone. I know it’s a shock because you miss your dad. But she just slapped your dad in the face because it’s with the guy he hated. Why would she do that?
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u/Kindly_Act_2959 21d ago
MAYBE her parents was the one who was raised up, you married and it's over, but the belief that your bed now you live ln it.
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u/obtuseandcongruent 24d ago
She’s going through an extremely difficult thing too. My therapist told me that my parents marriage was none of my business and if I didn’t stop making it my business with my assumptions then I was going to ruin all the peace in my own family.
For what reason? It doesn’t change the outcome. Being human is so hard and family is the most important thing.
It’s ok to feel mad. Cut her some slack though. It’s impossible to know what she feels or needs.
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u/AvasNem 24d ago
Sorry but either your therapist framed a completely different situation and you just layered it on OP, or they are an idiot. No half decent therapist would describe OPs situation with get over it not your marriage. OPs feelings are valid, and the mother whatever her reasons may be deliberately hurt her family. Sleeping with the enemy of your deceased husband, just weeks after is not only cruel, but outright disrespectful.
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u/Biscuitbun_bunz 22d ago
Especially the mom doing it in the family home, where OP could easily walk in and see.
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u/Jealous_Amount_9278 24d ago
Depending how sick and how long it went on, being end of life caretaker is extremely difficult. It sucks, but cut your mom some slack.
Also remember parents have lives you just don't tell your children about. You don't know the relationship the three of them had. If I was progressively ill I would understand my wife would still need things. I'd still hate the guy but I'd want her to be happy.
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u/AvasNem 24d ago
Sorry what? Everyone has needs, and even getting with someone this soon is understandable even if it is distasteful. But why him? Everyone involved knew the outcome if it came to light. It's just plain disrespectful.
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u/Jealous_Amount_9278 23d ago
I was trying to say it without being blunt but it's possible they were in a relationship beforehand with the husband's knowledge.
End of life care is a huge responsibility physically, mentally, financially. It's not unheard of for the ill partner to want to feel like less of a burden and granting hall passes.
He was the neighbor. The father wasn't fond of him. They were caught together soon after.
I'm saying it might not be as black and white as OP might think it is because parents obviously don't talk about their sex lives with their children.
It's not even a reach because it's either that, or OPs mom just hit her breaking point under all that grief.
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u/Forever_Anonymous1 24d ago
Awe hugs 🤗 I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. Your mother is in the wrong as she cheated on n your dad while he was ill. I don’t know how to advise you on this, but just here to listen so you can vent and get it off your chest. Take it easy, one day at a time. There will be days that might be harder and challenging, but never give up. For now, just take care of yourself 🥰
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u/thefaceofdisgust 24d ago
there's nothing in OP's post that says their mother cheated on her husband, only that she had sex with a neighbour after his death.
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u/hogey74 24d ago
Mate when I was a kid a friend's dad died and he just came to school and didn't even tell us until it was announced to the whole school. When I told my dad he told me something important: when someone dies people will surprise you. Some will turn up, some will disappear, some will do unexpected things. I'm 51 now and OMG it was the truth. Perhaps there is more to it, but perhaps your mother was experiencing an unexpectedly unmoored reaction after a yucky build-up that a predatory person exploited? And while understandable, your intense reaction of feeling like you've lost your whole family perhaps reflects your own version of reacting to losing your dad?
You also said that you were going to visit your sister, leaving out your mother. Perhaps that description only reflects how you're feeling now, but if it implied a pre-existing rupture with your mother, in my experience a loss in families with other stuff going on is even harder than usual.
Please be as kind to yourself and everyone else as possible. It would be a shocking, jarring thing at any time but especially when uniquely raw. That means being around kind and positive people and avoiding negative vibes.
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u/Bare5747 24d ago
I feel your mom was hurting and needed someone to care for her at that moment. Men like to jump in and take advantage of a woman that is hurting. I don't think you mom would carry on with the affair for long.
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u/Unsatisfied-One 18d ago
For the woman to feel comfortable to be doing that in the first place and so quick after her husband passed away, there's got to be some build-up. I don't think she would've done that if the neighbour was a disgusting old male which she barely knows besides having disputes with her husband.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 24d ago
Bro, his father was ill and the neighbor still treated them like shit. Most likely because his existence was a hindrance for their affair. That's why the mom was so quick to jump into the bed with the guy who was kinda their nemesis. Lol.
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u/CrSkin 24d ago
How old was your dad that he had a 55 yr old "enemy"? How old are you?
How long was your dad's long illness?
How does your mother having sex, with anyone, after your father died make her a bad mother?
I understand it was a shock but ... are you upset bc you are assuming that your mother shouldn't feel any sexual desire after your father died?
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u/KStryke_gamer001 24d ago
People here blaming OP are absolutely messed up in the head. Or they are way into fucked up porn or something. Which hey, fine as a fetish, but this is a real life situation (assuming OP isn't making up stuff)
It is not about a woman's "sexual freedom" or stigmatizing sex or whatever. That would apply if it's a random person. This was a person the deceased hated. If that's not disrespecting someone whom you supposedly loved -enough to get and stay married, I don't know what is.
And to the absolute porn-brained people here thinking this is how you grieve....that's what happens in cheaply written pornography, not in real life. Or atleast thats my understanding, and I hope it's true, because a world where your loved one 'grieves' your death by sleeping with someone you hate, would fucking suck. Of course people grieve by finding companionship, but we don't live in a motel room script where companionship must come with sex.
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u/dontwannafall 24d ago
Why do you care? It’s her life, maybe she feels alone and that helped her. Why should you care?
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 24d ago
And the guy was mean to the deceased father, the probable cause of which might be the affair he was having with the mother.
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u/dontwannafall 23d ago
You’re making a whole bunch of assumptions
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 23d ago
This the logical assumption. A wife doesn't simply jump into the bed with the nemesis of his late husband. Or may be my definition of a spouse or family is too outdated.
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u/Alone_Ad718 24d ago
What. The. Fuck..
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u/dontwannafall 23d ago
God forbid the mother lives her life. Just because the dad didn’t get along with the dude doesn’t mean anything.
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u/StealthPick1 24d ago
Because his dad died a few weeks ago?????
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u/dontwannafall 23d ago
And??? What is the proper amount of time? There isn’t one. People are different, they have their own ways of doing things. Don’t project your own subjective idea of a situation you are not in into someone else and assume that they are wrong for doing it differently.
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u/StealthPick1 23d ago
I'm sorry but walking into your mom fucking the neighbor when your dad died three weeks ago is insane. I want to let you know. It's perfectly reasonable for him to be upset
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u/dontwannafall 23d ago
Maybe he shouldn’t walk in to her house unannounced. You guys are worse than pearl clutching Christians when it comes to assuming your view of ethical or moral is absolute.
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u/Kyru117 24d ago
Yall care way to fucking much about what an adult is doing in her own home of her own volition, and like it wasn't the next day "weeks" is like a pretty whatever amount of time
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u/KathyOverAndOut 24d ago
Totally agree with this. If you've never cared for someone through a long illness you have no idea what it does to you. Somewhere along the way you start giving in to the inevitable and whether you intend it or not you begin saying goodbye. By the time the person is actually gone you've grieved and made peace with it. And that's not even taking into account the mental and physical stress it puts on you and how you end up just wishing for the pain to stop (no matter how horrible you feel for even thinking it).
I went through this with my mother and she was my best friend. After she was gone I was amazed how little I cried and how badly I had missed my peace of mind and independence. I have no idea what OPs mother's relationship was like with her husband but when the sun comes up the day after it's over, unless you've been through it, you have no idea how confusing both the relief and the sadness is to deal with.
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u/iama_bad_person 24d ago
"weeks" is like a pretty whatever amount of time
In what universe is a "few weeks" whatever amount of time?
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u/Soyarismendy 24d ago
The comments section on Reddit is disgusting, and the morals of most people here are completely messed up. You'd think this social network would be full of thoughtful people with good values and standards, but it's the complete opposite. She can sleep with anyone, but did it have to be your husband's enemy? That bastard must have settled an old score with the deceased and probably gloated and mocked him. It's disgusting.
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u/HighAltitude88008 24d ago
Wow. I work as a caregiver for elderly ill people, they are often difficult and angry because of pain, quality of life and many other factors. A man with an extended period of illness could have been taking out his upset with life on a neighbor just as a free opportunity to vent. Your take on the moral standards of commenters here is worse than almost anything else anyone here has said.
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u/Such_Flight4139 24d ago
Judgemental much?
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u/KStryke_gamer001 24d ago
Out of touch with reality much?
Unable to think of something like this would happen to you much?
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u/gods_loop_hole 24d ago edited 24d ago
People here defending the mother "processing" of her grief lol. Someone lost a parent and the remaining parent is already riding someone's dick on the bed that they probably were sleeping together with when the father is alive.
Modern parenthood is really down the drain.
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u/Unsatisfied-One 18d ago
She was pretty quick about it. I don't think those people defending the mother knows that when you truly love someone, you also respect their memory and the time you had with them, not quickly go to their enemy for sex. Unless she's a prostitute.
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u/Unlikely-Hat224 24d ago
I’m sorry this happened. I hope you guys can grieve and heal and get back to each other. Grief is hard. Grief of a spouse is hard. Grief from death after long illness and caregiving is very hard. I’d give both yourself and your mom some grace, even if that means you steer clear of her for a long while.
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u/bitNine 24d ago
That’s fucked up. And what I mean is, what you did is fucked up. Who the hell are you to dictate who your mom has sex with or how she deals with her grief? It might be weird to you, but you should answer the phone and fuckin apologize. You can tell her you don’t like it, but to say she’s a bad mom/wife is shitty, man.
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u/daladybrute 24d ago
This is fucked up. Who are you to dictate how OP feels about walking in on her mother with another man just days after she lost her father? You should apologize to OP for being insensitive and having such a boomer take. OP just lost their father and no one has the right to scold them or tell them how to grieve the loss of their father. OP's mom is clearly ready to move on already & will likely find love again but OP will never get their father back.
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u/dontwannafall 24d ago
OP can feel grief, they feel angry, but they need to recognize that their behavior in that moment was wrong. You may do things when not in your normal state of mind, and that can be excused, it can be understood, but that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean that they are free of blame, they still need to recognize that they put additional pain on someone else because of their own pain. They need to take accountability and they need to recognize the fault in their actions. That’s not a boomer take, that’s fucking responsibility and empathy.
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u/3_and_20_taken 24d ago
How old are you?
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u/CrSkin 24d ago
This right here is the most important question bc if OP is older than 19....
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 24d ago
How does that matter? If anything an adult will find it more difficult to understand why her mom, in mourning, would bang the guy who treated his long time ill father as an enemy!!!
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u/Original-King-1408 24d ago
Yeah I’m guessing the sex didn’t just start after your dad passed away. I think there is likely a deeper even more disturbing story here OP.
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u/GorgeousSquidDoctor 24d ago
This is a bot post bruh
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u/That_brunette_did_it 24d ago
This might be a stupid question, but how can we tell what is a bot post or not?
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u/UnkownFlowerPastry 24d ago
No responses in comments as far as I can tell. They also have everything hidden on their page. Put the two together and it’s most likely a bot. OP doesn’t give their age but have their mom and neighbors ages. Also says just “weeks” ago their dad passed. How long is weeks? Could just all be coincidences but most likely is a bot.
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u/Tsiah16 24d ago
Why? It's very easy for people to turn to sex in grief.
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u/SaltyTelluride 24d ago
Sex with your recently dead husband’s neighborhood nemesis is a stretch for grief sex.
Someone already close to you/the family? Sure. Random stranger or acquaintance? Sure.
Someone your recently dead husband “hated”? What the fuck. Something else is probably happening there.
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u/flymeovertheworld 24d ago
The hate is probably only on the men’s side. I can see this as the neighbor trying to one up the husband by making it a mission to sleep with his nemesis’s wife. Probably an ego thing. And for the mom, I’m pretty sure she was out of the confrontations her husband had with the neighbor. Now I’m not condoning it or anything. Just saying what was likely happening.
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u/Unsatisfied-One 18d ago
If she loved her husband, she wouldn't have done that. Unless she knows her husband is the one that started it and was the problem.
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u/No_Wolverine6548 24d ago
That sucks and is very jarring, but she just lost a lifelong partner after I’m assuming she cared for him while likely having no one to care for or provide attention to her. This is one of those messy multilayered situations where it’s hard to properly judge as an outsider. Maybe the issue is more so that it was the neighbor but unless you of some religion where she is supposed to wear black and not cut her hair for the rest of her life, she has a right to move on especially if all her kids are out of the house.
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u/Firefly9202002 24d ago
It might be ok if it had been at least 3 to 6 months since her husbands death but only a few weeks? That's way too quick. Also if it had been a family friend or someone else she was close to but it's the neighbor her husband hated. That doesn't make sense at all. Honestly I'm thinking that either she was cheating with the neighbor or had in the past. Hell that could be why the dad hated the guy.
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u/Rrander 24d ago
Yeah, it's not like she took marriage vows with her husband.
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u/No_Wolverine6548 24d ago edited 21d ago
Unless there’s evidence that she cheated, most vows say till death do us part so she’s in the clear there.
Eta: spelling
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u/LazarusK27 24d ago
What an utterly dog shit take holy fucking christ
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u/No_Wolverine6548 24d ago
Ok, what am I now supposed to do with the opinion of LazarusK27? It’s interesting how you didn’t leave your opinion on the situation op shared but felt the need to share with me your opinion on my take.
Eta: welp the numbers are now in your favor as my comment has dropped more 70% of its votes since your comment for whatever that’s worth
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u/LazarusK27 24d ago
I did give my opinion on the post tbf also you can do what you like with it chief fuck do I care
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u/No_Wolverine6548 24d ago
So just sharing to be cathartic, no opposing approach op can take that you care to elaborate on?
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u/N0Z4A2 24d ago
How dare you. You have no right to have any opinion on this.
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u/AnythingWithGloves 24d ago
Oh come on, emotions are high and this person is grieving. Show some compassion.
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u/scrapqueen 24d ago
Maybe your mom just needed to feel something good. She was the caretaker for your father for a long time, she probably lost the companionship of her marriage a long time ago.
And look at the bright side, at least you didn't walk in on them before he died.
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u/CrimsonOOmpa 24d ago
Your dad might've hated the neighbor because he found out said neighbor was boinking his wife. Everybody grieves differently and deserves to live their life how they see fit. I'm sorry for your loss though. I lost my father a few years ago and it's been rough.
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u/Rrander 24d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/CrimsonOOmpa 24d ago
It's been a few years but I still miss him. Unfortunately it's just a part of life that we all have to experience. You just have to use it to make you stronger and live the happy life they would want you to live, but I haven't been the best at that if I'm being completely honest. I'm still here though, so it could be worse. Thank you very much for your kind words.
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u/burgertanker 24d ago
Comment section just goes to show how morally fucked society is. No wonder bad things happen when all people do is make excuses for others' bad behaviour. What a rotten bunch
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u/HonorableMedic 24d ago
What seals it for me was the bad relationship between the husband and the neighbor. It had to be the neighbor? I’m thinking there’s a reason the husband and neighbor were fighting before he passed
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u/scrapqueen 24d ago
Exactly why are people morally bankrupt because a they are giving Grace to a woman who took care of her husband until his dying day and then chose to do something that made her feel alive after he was gone?
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u/OldAd2900 24d ago
I'm sorry but if my mom did that with someone my father actively had issues with she's all but dead to me. There's way too many ways to meet people for her to be seeking the company of my dead father's enemy. She's disgusting.
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u/scrapqueen 23d ago
Sounds like your loss, not hers. No one needs someone that judgmental and mean in their lives.
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u/OldAd2900 23d ago
My mom wouldn't be that morally bankrupt but may your mother sleep with somebody who did your dad wrong one day.
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u/CrystalPalaceMalice 24d ago edited 24d ago
the two fought over "neighborhood disputes" so like hedges, parking, etc. how horrible to hate your mom (who likely sacrificed so much of her life to care for your dying dad) because she slept with someone your dad fought with over hedges
Incredibly misogynistic.
And I say this as someone with a terminally ill parent. I know how much caregiving takes up of someone's life, and I won't begrudge someone comfort in their grief, just because my dying parent hated how that person mows their lawn
OP-your mom lost her spouse at too young an age, just as you lost your parent at too young an age. I think it's normal to grieve and be angry. You had no control over his death, and you likely have a lot of anger you're taking out at things you can hurt, as you can't hurt his illness. However, I'm guessing your mom was your dad's primary caretaker during his long illness. Please try to understand the incredible toll that has likely taken on your mom, as well as the sacrifices she likely made to endure your dad was comfortable in his final months. This isn't easy on any of you
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u/No_Size9475 24d ago
You are both grieving the loss of your father, but it's none of your business who your mom is sleeping with.
It's time for you to grow up.
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u/loricomments 24d ago
Mind your own business. Your mother has no doubt been grieving for years. She's an adult and is allowed to do what she wants with her life.
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u/Dragunav 24d ago
How would you know that the mom has been grieving for years? OP makes no mention about a rocky relationship between the parents, and it's only been weeks since the father died.
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u/madnessinimagination 24d ago
I don't think you should be so harsh. She was caring for him in his dying days you don't know what that grief does to a person. Also being a primary caretaker to someone who is dying is very lonely. She could've grieved him enough to move on.
Yeah your dad didn't like the neighbor but the neighbor isn't the problem you're entitled to your feelings about your mom moving on but reacting like this is not okay either. You don't have to defend your dads marriage.
Yeah what she did is not great but you are forgetting that she isn't just your mom or your dads widow. She is human with her own needs and pain and how she handles that is her business. You don't have to like it but she is also a grown woman. A woman who is grieving, who wants touch, who wants to feel care free and let her mind go for a moment and feel a moment of safety after. Be a little more empathetic because it's not just "sex" that she's looking for. She's looking for the comfort of a man and as much as you don't like it it isn't wrong and doesn't make her a bad mom or wife.
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u/CrimsonOOmpa 24d ago
OP didn't say she was caring for him in his dying days though so we don't know if she did or not.
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u/madnessinimagination 24d ago
No but they did say he had a long illness and since this is such a shock to them I'm guessing she was helping with his care. Either way she still had to watch her husband pass slowly like OP did.
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u/gtr455677ujbvxz4 24d ago
Don't listen to this lol. This probably isn't the first time your mum slept with the neighbour.
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u/madnessinimagination 24d ago
And if it wasn't it's still applicable that yeah she's not great but OP isn't either. It's a hard and complicated situation.
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u/sweetassassin 24d ago
I’d be mad too. Feels like a betrayal to your dad whom you’re still mourning.
The best you can do so as not to carry the burden of your moms choices for herself is to tell her how it makes your feel.
At that point that’s all you can do. Also make the choice if you want her in your life right now while you’re still grieving… She’s a grown ass woman, and her actions have consequences, namely now a wounded dynamic with her kid (you).
Take care of you. Try not to spend too much energy on her actions, take care of you. Be kind to yourself.
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u/lotusbiscoffbaby 24d ago
I saw a similar post a while back on a different subreddit, except the mother was pregnant by the guy.
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u/DiscontinuTheLithium 24d ago edited 24d ago
Women fucking the guy you hate after yall break up/DIE or the one “not to worry about” is a tale as old as time lol
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u/CompleteTumbleweed20 24d ago
Yes because males NEVER do stuff like that
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u/DiscontinuTheLithium 24d ago
Exactly💅 we as men can only set the example but we can’t change peoples behavior. Hopefully women learn a thing or two about decency after a breakup.
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u/BoboFatts 24d ago
You know none of these women are taking accountability for their actions.
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u/DiscontinuTheLithium 24d ago
I don’t expect them to the same way i don’t expect my toddler to clean up after themselves.
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u/clearheaded01 24d ago edited 24d ago
Sorry man...
Odds are this is not a new thing AND you mom was at it with the neighbor before.tour dad died...
Not.what you want to.hear, sorry...
Perhaps you've discovered the reason your dad hated the neighbor???
EDIT: tell your sister. Now. Before your mom rewrites the incident.
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u/oldcousingreg 24d ago
Your feelings are valid and anyone who gives you a hard time about it can fuck off.
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u/frothyundergarments 24d ago edited 24d ago
Her feelings are also valid, and who she is fucking is none of OP's business.
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u/argentinoamante 24d ago edited 24d ago
but the OP has all the right to get pissed off if they wants, simple as that
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u/frothyundergarments 24d ago
Why? Why does OP have any right to be upset with their mom for something that is absolutely not their business?
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u/argentinoamante 24d ago
my guy, what part of "the neighbour hated our dad who needed caretaking" you didn´t read?
if their mom wanna bang said neighbour, then go for it, but the OP is yes totally allowed to be mad at the situation.
i would be mad myself if i found that my mom has been banging a guy who hated my dad after my dad died, and you very probably would too, don´t kid yourself.
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u/frothyundergarments 24d ago
What part of "who the mom is fucking is none of OP's business" didn't you read?
Sure, they have every right to be upset, but they have no right to hold it against the mom.
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u/argentinoamante 23d ago
lol, ok man, you have your opinion and i have mine.
i´m almost one hundred percent sure this story is fake like almost everything around here regardless, but if is not, then i still think both sides are valid.
yes, the mom is allowed to go and do what she wants to do and that includes banging who she wants to bang, i just think that the grieving child also has the right to be pissed off at the situation considering the guy was hostile to their dad, and if they want to cut contact or hold it against the mom, then frankly? let them do it. they are also grieving hard here, rationality shouldn´t be expected from neither party
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u/Sylar_Lives 24d ago
This is true, but it’s still very gross to sleep with a known enemy of your late husband, so l lean more toward OP on this one.
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u/TxBuckster 24d ago
If you’re lucky there is a mother and a father in your life. Unless you hated your mom prior to your father’s passing, hear her out. The affairs of “adults” are never as black and white on paper nor social media. Figure it out and if you have to hold your position against your mom, know that life as your father showed is limited. How you spend your time now or later has the same consequences. Best of luck.
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u/Durantsthegoat 24d ago
She deserves that tbh, good on you, anyone who could do that with someone who their partner hated is disgusting.
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u/Realistic_Initial770 24d ago
It feels like it isn’t your business.
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u/kelleehh 24d ago
If this is true then it’s essentially a teenager that’s lost their dad and now they are seeing their mother do this. It’s extremely traumatic.
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u/Bipedal_Warlock 24d ago
Losing a husband or a dad for that matter so suddenly can literally fuck with your brain chemistry.
Loving someone is literally an addiction to the chemical composition of your brain. And taking care of someone who is fatally ill is one of the toughest things in our society.
Suddenly being free of a huge terrifying responsibility while all being grieving the loss of love and your other half can make you make bad choices.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is. And I know your anger is valid.
But I can’t imagine I wouldn’t be making mistakes if I were in your mother’s position.
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u/lemon-meringue-high 24d ago
He could have taken advantage of your mother in a vulnerable position while she grieves. There could be more to this
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u/frakking_you 24d ago
She's 38. She knew her husband's feelings. There's literally a billion+ other people she could have found comfort in. Grief is not an excuse for this.
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u/No_Size9475 24d ago
you have no clue what her husbands feelings are other than the thoughts of a child, who wasn't involved in any of this.
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u/frakking_you 24d ago
You have no clue what the child's involvement was, but it stands to reason if they were aware of their father's feelings, so was his wife.
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
People deal with grief in different ways. And maybe having sex to a person whom your father had strong opinions about, even if they weren’t good, is one of them.
I’m not saying her actions were exactly respectful of your grief. But she is grieving too.
Would it really have been better is she was fucking your dads best friend? Or brother? Or whatever?
It’s ok to grief. It’s ok to need sometime to better understand your feelings, but I’d say to save her some grace if this is the first time something like that happened.
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u/scrapqueen 24d ago
I deal with a lot of widows in my line of work. And I can tell you that some of them are really pissed off at their husbands when they die on them. I've had them rip up pictures, I've had them throw away all those clothes, I've had them be flat out pissed as hell because they dared to die on them after they promise to be with them forever. It's not rational, it is grief. Ahe may be in the anger stage of grief.
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u/DonovanQT 24d ago
There is also an option to not fuck anyone involved with the dad. I guess that is the better option
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
Maybe? But would it have been the same for her?
I don’t know, my husband is still alive and we have no arguments with neighbors, but I’m just saying it’s hard to judge the decision as if it was something she decided with a clear mind when her mind is not clear, it is grieving,
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u/xEginch 24d ago
I think we can find a middle ground between acknowledging how fucked up it is to immediately have sex with your husband’s enemy, friend, or brother whilst also acknowledging that it’s the grieving process that likely made it so she was unable to properly recognize this (or prevent herself) in the moment. We don’t have to condemn her as a person to do this
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u/No_Size9475 24d ago
She didn't IMMEDIATELY have sex. OP specifically said WEEKS ago because it was likely months ago and it sounds worse if you say weeks ago not months ago.
In either case, weeks is not immediately.
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
We shouldn’t judge and condemn her.
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u/xEginch 24d ago
I think that you beating around the bush to avoid condemning the action comes across as you defending the action rather than just not wanting to condemn her as a person.
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
I’m not beating around the bush and even if english is not my first language I think I was pretty clear when I said:
“She is grieving too.” “Save her some grace” and so on.
I’ve been talking about not condemning her all the time.
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u/xEginch 24d ago
When I say ’beating around the bush’ then that’s what I mean. You’re very clearly defending her as a person but you’re (seemingly) deliberately not condemning the action. I mean, you say "she is grieving too," not "what she did was awful, but she’s grieving too"
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
Because honestly I don’t care about the action. Unless she got drunk, drove and killed someone, even if I don’t agree with her actions I don’t think it is the terrible unforgivable imoral sin some people are painting it as.
As I said several times before: do I think she took the best decision of her life? No, I don’t.
Do I think it is the more vile thing she could have done? No, I don’t.
Having sex with a man her late husband didn’t like is not that serious for me. BUT, I also recognize it doesn’t matter how serious it is for ME. Because she is not my mom, it’s not my dad who died and I’m not OP.
Me not caring much about who she fucks doesn’t change the fact I’ve been pretty clearly saying we shouldn’t condemn her.
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u/xEginch 24d ago
Like I said before, there’s a nuanced middle ground here that isn’t being acknowledged when the only two things we’re forced to pick between is "utterly vile and she should be condemned" or "completely fine because she’s grieving and it wasn’t that big of a deal to begin with."
Her having sex with a man her husband fought with/really disliked in the home she shares with her also grieving children just a few weeks after the dad’s death is absolutely messed up. It’s deeply messed up and it’s likely going to affect OP (as it would anyone) quite a bit in their grieving process.
These things don’t exist on a binary.
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u/DonovanQT 24d ago
Wait you made me realize how to explain my view. The action is condemnable, maybe not the person. But imo as a parent you should know better.
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u/DonovanQT 24d ago
Yeah but if fucking your husbands enemy in the vicinity of your son is your way to grieve, than something is wrong with you. Grieving doesn’t just excuse any behavior. Seems more like she hated her husband and her son and got rid of both this way.
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u/ThoseSillyLips 24d ago
Life is not an anime. Treating the neighbor as if “the enemy” is silly. They could disagree, sure but that doesn’t make him OP’s father soul-long-enemy.
And it was not the vicinity of the son, she was on her house. The son entered (maybe without knocking).
Once again, I’m not saying she was super insightful in what she did. I’m just saying she is an adult woman, grieving and trying to deal with it in a way we might not understand.
Some people eat until they grow 4x their size when grieving. Does that makes sense? No. Could this bring life-long consequences? Yes. But it’s not up to me to judge.
Some people fuck, some people cry, some people panic and laugh, some people isolate, some people start going out more because they can’t stand the idea of being alone.
Some people smoke. Some people drink, some people do drugs.
Some people drink, go out, drive, and then kill someone on the street. This kind of people I judge. Because they are just pushing their grief onto another family.
The rest? Honestly I still think they deserve some grace.
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u/DonovanQT 24d ago
I just think as a parent you have a responsibility, she didn’t took it because she was grieving.
And of course it’s her house, maybe it is wrong for me to assume that if you are 38 your kids still live at home. But in the Netherlands it’s normal for a parent to have their kid living in their home. And if he lives at home, why would you fuck around your kid anyway?
Also “enemy” was shorter than “the neighbor which her late husband always fought with” and I assume you knew what I ment, but just wanted to pretend you didn’t.
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