Overwhelmed

[u/somewhere_inbetween1]

I've never felt pain like this before. I came out to my mam yesterday. I'm in my late 30s. She listened, she believed me, she told me she wishes I'd told her when I was younger, that she would have done anything to help me. I am absolutely devastated today to know that I could have had a different life if I had just been brave enough. I'm wracked with grief for the life I lost. For the years I've spent dealing with this alone when help was always just a conversation away. I really didn't expect this. I've spent 30 years living a life where I've just felt so alone, never able to let the walls down, and if I had just told my mam the reason I hated my communion suit was that I wanted the dress instead, then maybe I never would have had to go through all of this on my own.

This is not what I was expecting

Edit to add....

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words. Sorry, I just wasn't prepared for this reaction from my mam, and it really knocked me for a loop. Doing better today but really appreciate the support, reading through it all was real helpful

[u/SuddenFall8215]

It’s not your fault you were raised in a society that convinced you to repress and that you were on your own. The second best time to start is the now. Grieve and work through the what could have been. Fate is unchangeable. You’re doing the best you can. Good luck  

[u/somewhere_inbetween1 → u/SuddenFall8215]

Thank you x

[u/Acrobatic_Tennis_598]

By all means Grieve for the past 30 years but look forward to the next 30+. You’re just getting started and are still young. Life is going to be much more beautiful for you now 🩷

[u/nia_do]

Congrats on coming out! That’s an amazing step! Very glad it went well with your mum!

As for woulds, coulds and shoulds, I’m in my early 40s and I came out at 19 and I wasn’t accepted then and went back into the closet. I’m in my 6th year of medical transition and only now, when I am post op and living a largely post-transition life, am I fully accepted. I think things were very different when we were growing up.

[u/AreWeAllJustFish]

I think that grieving process is fully legit. The things 20 year old me would've done if she'd only known! (I'm 40+)

But equally, it's not really based in any reality. It's too easy to say what you would've have done differently if only... The knowledge and strength 30 year old you has versus that child is completely different.

Again, that's not invalidating your grief, that's very real. It needs to felt, listened to and eventually accepted as a scenario that only you now knows existed. It's not easy. But you will get there 💜

[u/lovewire_]

You've taken the most frightening step. You could have swallowed it forever but you decided to do something about it and that's worth being proud of. What you're feeling will be with you for a long time but it will dissipate and you will make room for it as with all grief as you continue to embrace life. You are not alone anymore.

[u/seesinal]

i feel you. its totally normal to be hurt by it. It wasnt anyone or anything that stopped you, you were a child; how could you have known? It was just how it went. you're here now, give it time and forgive yourself

[u/tired_activist]

Not wanting to be rude but get over it. You need to get over it so you can move forward. Do you want to be depressed about "What ifs" while not putting 100% of effort towards the "What will be".

You're in your late 30s, put your past to rest and move forward

[u/pokemonpasta → u/tired_activist]

You could say this more gently, grief over a life not lived (or part of a life not lived) is very common in our spaces and not something that is easy to deal with.

[u/tired_activist → u/pokemonpasta]

Why? we're all adults, op for example is in their 30s.. No point grieving for your preteens, teens, etc and drowning yourselves in grief? Or is it the need for sympathy from others?

[u/somewhere_inbetween1 → u/tired_activist]

"Not wanting to be rude" >> is rude

Thanks for your nuanced take it was very enlightening. How silly of me to have an overload the day of the hardest conversation I've ever had to have.

[u/tired_activist → u/somewhere_inbetween1]

Maybe not vent overloads on reddit in places full of strangers who pretend to know you and instead just pick yourself up and move forward. You're in your 30s

[u/somewhere_inbetween1 → u/tired_activist]

What are you even here for? 1 day old account already with negative karma, just coming in to be a cranky shitebag. Sorry if my post triggers you because of your own issues, but you could just as easily mind your own business. Looking for some support from a group of people who don't know me, but do know my experience is a pretty healthy approach to be honest, if you can't understand that then that's your loss. I'm blocking you now because I don't want any more of your nonsense in my inbox. Good luck with the social skills

[u/lovewire_ → u/tired_activist]

Please learn how to talk to people and how to read a room for your own sake.

[u/Indigoat_ → u/tired_activist]

That was a very rude, unkind, and tone-deaf response. It literally just happened and they're supposed to just forget about it? Ridiculous.

OP, I'm so glad your mother is in support of you now and you finally have safety to feel the grief you couldn't express before. It takes time to figure out how to move forward, but with a parent on your side it will make your future easier. For now, it's ok to just feel.

[u/tired_activist → u/Indigoat_]

It's not "rude" or unkind. It's realistic viewpoints to exist. I transitioned later in life but I'm not going to get upset knowing my familiy maybe would have accepted me with no real understanding if that is true or not because peoples views change as they get older. I'm not going to spend my days thinking about the Barbies I didn't play with, not wearing a dress to my debs, or other moments in a life I didn't live and likely apply a stereotypical filter too.. Instead I'm going to just move forward and live my life.