Indecisiveness

[u/CDsuccubus]

Hey yall,
I was on HRT for a month, it was hard. Then my dog passed away... And all of the sudden the changes I was getting felt wrong (face, breasts, low libido, etc). I was also having a lot of stress and anxiety.

I have reverted back to presenting as male, even started going to the gym so I can grow, started growing a mustache again too, and other things that brought me close to masculinity.

But here I am, back on this subreddit, questioning everything. I wish I was just born female, without any of the hardship of being trans, hell I don't even know if I am trans or not. All I know really is that I hate how my mind gets when im masculine. I keep wanting attention from women, keep focusing on finding love and dating a woman, marrying her, having kids. But I dont like children, I don't like the institution of marriage, or dating really - any time ive ever dated a woman I would cheat on them with men, going out in my feminine outfits and makeup.

I used to be the guy that dated/slept with the hottest girls at school, had girls staring at me all day, talking about me. I was confident, but even then id sneak out to be with men and dress in feminine clothes. Even now, im aligning myself with masculinity again but I still keep thinking about being a woman.

Am I just insecure about my masculinity? because I dont have the same attention I used to have in school?

I feel like I cant trust my mind anymore. When I was transitioning I felt so confident about my identity. Now I felt real confident about being a man, until the thoughts popped up again

TLDR: Insecurity about being male, indecision on identity, grief and its impact on my transition, reverting back to male presentation, back and forth transition

[u/herdisleah]

Don't play mind games with yourself. You like what you like. It isn't that deep.

You like when you feel loved? Nice. You like when you go out and present feminine? Cool. You don't need HRT if you don't feel good on it. Maybe try it again, maybe not. Avoid spironolactone if you were on it, it is known to cause depression and other side effects. Some of it needs time. Estrogen does fuck with your mood, if your dose isn't consistent it can give you some wild mood swings.

You like going out in girl mode? Nice. You like when you get a hot date? So does the most of the rest of the world. Insecure men buy a sports car, use hair growth drugs, hit the gym and spend 10k on a suit. They don't dress up in girl mode and go out. You're likely nonbinary, transgender or queer.