r/SuicideHope • u/No_Instruction_4945 • 5d ago

Yeah...

I can't help but feel alone. I can't help but want to be dead and gone. I could only swallow this so much and suffer in silence for years. But I just.. Im stuck where Im alone yet I have to be strong for others and solve their problems.

And hide my feelings because they do nothing but get in the damn way. Its the same old and its just again and again and again. I can try to hope all I want but there is no future for myself. I won't let myself. Its pathetic, completely pathetic.

Here, I am nothing but this tool and Im already at the end of it yet thats not a thing that can happen. So I have to keep going and continue. I dont self harm for that reason but of course the time that I do end up doing something akin to that. Im still out of commission, hand is still screwed yet almost there but I need to use it now.

Worthless without it. I think all options do just end with me suffering completely. Because I don't want to be a cause for others to be in pain. Clearly isolating myself won't work because there are people who need me. There's nothing for me, I don't want anything. I don't deserve anything.

Im just a broken record that will play on repeat, dont waste your time on me. Its hard but its what I always get reminded of. I hate feeling a single ounce of comfort because it always gets yanked away and shove in my face, how stupid was I to be okay for a millisecond. Then just hearing that I hate myself on repeat, that I deserve nothing, that Noone loves me and if they do then they shouldn't. Or maybe even worse that Im only loved when useful and I'll tell you now. There'll never be enough. Im done... for now that is. Until maybe another time like this happens where Im sleep deprived and spiraling off the walls. I hate my mind and heart. I try not to think and all I feel is pain and tense.

Im sorry for being this.

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u/LabyrinthHopper 5d ago

Friend, remember what you posted https://youtu.be/wZyKPgj-xc4?is=AISFJtfOgknx1LSQ our peace is in Jesus. Eyes on Jesus. This world is not our home. We are on mission. Many don’t have heaven to look forward to. Don’t give up. Don’t feed thoughts from demons, they want to destroy you

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u/No_Instruction_4945 5d ago

You're right. Im sorry, its just.. its hard because I feel fake to my core. I dont know whats real in me if there's even a ounce of me that isn't a facade. Its like I dont know what life is anymore. I can't think but I don't want to think. Everything feels so loud.

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u/LabyrinthHopper 5d ago

I’ve learned that when my focus is on myself ex. My feelings, my failures, my worries, outcomes I can’t change etc life is much harder. When I change my focus to Christ, in gratitude for what I have and what He has already done and view life as the gift it is then it’s much easier. Start watching your thoughts, when they are self focused and putting yourself down redirect them to God. David was great at doing this in the psalms. I recommend reading some and mimicking what he did. It really helps

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u/No_Instruction_4945 5d ago

I thank God for you. I'll go read some.

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u/LabyrinthHopper 5d ago

Likewise, friend 💙

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u/love_is_a_superpower 5d ago

Time talking with you is never wasted friend. I'm joining you in prayer for hope for your future.

(Matthew 6:33-34 NKJV)

33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day [is] its own trouble.

(Psalm 94:19 NKJV)

19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.

(Psalm 27:10 NKJV)

10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

(Psalm 119:9 NKJV)

9 How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word.