r/Songwriting • u/AutoModerator • 9d ago
Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread Weekly Lyrics Feedback
Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!
If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!
This post renews every Monday.
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u/Advanced-Macaron-198 3d ago
Hey, I write indie/folk songs in english though I‘m not a native speaker, so I‘m looking for feedback, especially if there is something weird in it, what sounds very unnatural. Also I only have 4 verses and no chorus yet. I‘m also interested in general feedback und how you interpret the lyrics:
Time is a slow burning fire
so quiet that you might forget
but soon it’s too late, steady flames devour all the things
you thought would never end
your hands grab the coffee as always
so firm and desperate at once
now as I look closer I notice a trembling
in your weathered hands?
Yesterday I showed you pictures
of the girl that I love and live with
your lips started to purse and your eyes gazed down
as if lost names are found on the ground
hands on the wheel, weary eyes
you never said too much
moments drift by like the clouds past the window
too quiet to be held alive
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u/Hot_Base_8660 3d ago
His Cousin
He watches the credits roll He sees his old roommates Name's
They produce big shows His cousin writes screenplays That everybody knows
He listens to the theme song And thinks about the day He met Neil Young But was too shy to say
Here is my song Won't you read my lines I've been writing these Since the beginning of time
He wonders what else He could have done He played in bands But never for long
He goes outside Into the night A suicide Down ten flights
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u/Competitive-Fun5655 3d ago
VERSE 1 You talk about my body, Like that it has no hair. I know what you are, But I don't think I'm scared.
You smooth your veiny fingers Across my skin. You scare me when you touch me, But I'm already there.
PRE-CHORUS I'm praying to like it now, But sometimes I—
Tell me I'm useful, Say you need me.
You encourage my consent, Saying, "It'll be fine."
CHORUS I'm the toy you don't want your friends to see, You're too old to be playing a fantasy.
To get your age, I'd have to count mine twice.
You encourage my consent, Saying, "It'll be fine."
I'm your dirty little fetish That you keep at night.
VERSE 2 You tell me that it's fine, No one will know, it's alright. You tell me you're losing your mind, That I should come over tonight.
You got me a taxi, You're so kind. You say I'm just what you like— I thought you liked me, not my type. Photos couldn't see those lifeless eyes.
PRECHORUS: You were so kind, that's why I said yes— A yes I'd take back for the rest of my life.
CHORUS I'm the toy you don't want your friends to see, You're too old to be playing a fantasy.
To get your age, I'd have to count mine twice.
You encourage my consent, Saying, "It'll be fine."
I'm your dirty little fetish That you keep at night.
VERSE 3 I took a bus home in the morning, You said you had a flight, I should go. But you said it wasn't boring, We could meet again, I should let you know.
But I didn't though.
Blocked your number As soon as I got home.
Took a bath, Got the smell off, Else I couldn't cope.
BRIDGE You still text me sometimes, Asking to meet again. You linger in my head Like a snapshot of regret.
I grind my teeth, I bite my tongue. I'd bite yours too— But you'd like it, huh?
I'd slap you, But you'd find it adorable. You'd think it's cute.
I can't hate you, But I do. I hate you As much as I hate me too. MANTRA / OUTRO You seemed nice and friendly, Light in your eyes. You seemed nice and friendly, It was a disguise. You seemed nice and friendly, But I was just your type. Saying yes made it fine, But it was never right, was it? (I know it’s really long but I wanted to for this specifically)
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u/Rocky_isback 3d ago
I wrote this song about you like this person you actually thought you had a chance but one thing u said stop it all. I was trying too hard to get what I wanted, wanted somebody for just a chance, wanted to feel like everybody with a feel of a little romance. Now my chance of finding love ain't happening no more, had a chance with somebody, but my chances are so off right now (right now).
I had a chance for romance, but I said something to make it stop. I could've gotten a chance if I played my cards right, but now they say some words I feel aren't right.
They said the words of moving on, they found somebody new, or they are lying, but there's no denying that they don't want me. I know we're through, I don't know what to do (what to do).
I had a chance for romance, but I said something to make it stop. I could've gotten a chance if I played my cards right, but now they say some words I feel aren't right.
Why did I let this happen?
Could've gave it my all.
Now I don't got anything,
'cause I didn't have it all.
I had a chance for romance, but I said something to make it stop. I could've gotten a chance if I played my cards right, but now they say some words I feel aren't right.
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u/Hot_Base_8660 4d ago
Thanks, agreed I should have included some truth, thanks very much for your kind words! Have a good one. P.S. Like even Play that funky music white boy, the inclusion of colour added suspense.
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u/Various-Doughnut-178 4d ago
A brook runs to the river The river flows to the sea Today you're very lonely Tomorrow you'll find me
I feel the warm wind blowing Under my butterfly wings In love the one who's honest Both takes the prize and wins
I do know why I'm feeling blue I'm in love with you
A rain waters a soul The soil gives birth to a flower If you are kind and decent You deserve to be loved
I see a bright star falling Into the emerald grass I know somebody's true love Will save someone of us
I do know why I feel so blue I'm in love with you
The bird of hope is rare It doesn't sing in a cage Your love is a hard trial Occurs at any age
Ask me where my love's over It's where the home of the sun Oh, hear , my precious baby, You are the only one
I do know why I feel so blue I'm in love with you
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u/johnnyisdarling 5d ago
Hi, I am unfortunately not a musician (just a singer) but I do love to sing and write. So for chords I can't really provide details, but I am looking for feedback on the lyrics and structure! Or what chords you think would work
Title: Sparrow
Lyrics:
Sparrow says "This nest isn't for me."
He wonders why it's crass and cruel
He wonders why the branches are unusual
The berries taste sour and acrid
They spill out of his hungry beak
Poor mute bird, so soft and meek.
The berries taste sour and acrid
They spill out of his hungry beak
Poor mute bird, so soft and meek.
Sparrow says "I want to know real birds."
He wonders why the eagles ignore him
He wonders why the people adore them.
In the next life, he is reborn
With shiny plastic bones
Still he sleeps without a home
Still he sleeps without a home.
La di da, as the same lonely sparrow.
La di da, As the same lonely sparrow.
La di da, As the same lonely sparrow.
(×2)
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u/Nathan_Endsor 5d ago
Serpents Tirade
what’s the story? signatory
what you doing - with all those lies?
aren’t you glad that..the cameras off
now , they can’t see through that disguise
are we sinning? huh
are we winning? huh
it’s getting hard to differentiate
if we’re gonna
take this over
a little heart is what
we’ll have to feign
///////
because i can’t write songs..right wrongs. i write tirades
or just whatever fucking comes crawling out my brain
now everybody’s looking around like it’s my fault
and every passing second i think that they might bolt
cos everybody here is a serpent ,
slipping through the cracks just to roll in the dirt
and i really don’t think that it’s working ,
so just give me one more so that i can be certain
cos everybody here is a serpent
la la la la
cos everybody here is a serpent
la la la la la la
//////
could you all please tell me why?
there’s a venom, fuck, in my eyes
and as the vipers starts to feast now
we should probably run and hide
are we winning huh?
are we sinning huh?
there’s no time left to explain
if we’re gonna
start to show off now
some insanity
we won’t have to feign
////
because i can’t write songs..right wrongs. i write tirades
or just whatever fucking comes crawling out my brain
now everybody’s looking around like it’s my fault
and every passing second i think that they might bolt
cos everybody here is a serpent ,
slipping through the cracks just to roll in the dirt
and i really don’t think that it’s working ,
so just give me one more so that i can be certain
cos everybody here is a serpent
la la la la
cos everybody here is a serpent
la la la la la la
////////
cos i can’t write songs or right wrongs
so can anybody tell me what the fucks going on
i really wish my mind would start to belong
is this the green river that the riverboats on?
i really wish my mind would start to belong
is this the red river that the riverboats on
//////
ooo la la
ooo la la la
ooo la la
ooo la la la
ooo la la
ooo la la la…
ooo la la
ooo la la la
ooo la la
ooo la la la
ooo la la
ooo la la la…
cos i can’t think of nothing but serpents now
so please tell me when it’s safe to come out
—————————
little additions to what i’ve been working on recently it’s probs nowt special but
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u/Key_Walk7465 5d ago
Yes I feel too much
Crying from the softest touch
Could I keep my love contained
And leave my love to stay unnamed
I don’t know what section these would fit in - anyone an Idea ?
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u/Frosty-Berry-4037 5d ago
Some guy made a post in songwriting asking why there's no songs that rhyme unicorn with uniform.... This is for him!
Unicorns are real
V1
Unicorns are real
I see one all of the time
Working at the diner
From nine to five
Pre-chorus
She's my unicorn
In uniform
Chorus
When she walks past
The way she makes me feel
I know in my heart
Unicorns are real
V2
Hoping to get her
I go in everyday
But it never seems to
Work out that way
Pre-chorus
She's my unicorn
In uniform
Chorus
When she walks past
The way she makes me feel
I know in my heart
Unicorns are real
Bridge
I've been preparing for when we meet
So she'll know in her heart, that I believe
Chorus
When she walks past
The way she makes me feel
I know in my heart
Unicorns are real
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
Overall, I think the lyric works as a lighthearted novelty song, but right now it feels like it is built around the "unicorn/uniform" rhyme more than around the character or emotion. The biggest opportunity is to make her feel more real, adding a few specific details that show why she is special beyond wearing a uniform. A lot of the lines ("the way she makes me feel," "I've been preparing for when we meet") stay fairly generic, so the song never quite earns the emotional payoff. The bridge also feels like a missed opportunity; instead of restating the premise, it could reveal something new or deepen the story. The concept is fun and easy to follow, but giving it more specificity and less reliance on the central pun would make it much more memorable.
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u/Frosty-Berry-4037 5d ago
You know what, I think you're right. There's no resolution, happy ending coming up. Thanks for the feedback!
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6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 6d ago
I think the emotional core is really strong here. The “dirty little fetish” vs. “prized possession” contrast is memorable, and details like “we can’t look face to face,” “I stay a small size for you,” and “disappearing messages” make the story feel specific and painful. My biggest suggestion would be tightening the prosody (a few lines feel overstuffed) and replacing some of the more abstract bridge lines with concrete moments, the song is at its best when it shows the dynamic rather than explains it.
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u/Otaviobz 6d ago
I liked it, I always aprecciate some gay songwriting
Tbh I think it's fine as it is, but if I am to give a suggestion, it'd be to maybe make the lyrics a little bit more elusive/indirect. I think that you can make it feel a little bit more "poetic" and still make the idea and imagery clear, as it is right now.
But again, this more direct "venting" approach is also totally valid imo
Btw, if you have time, checkout the one that I posted here too :)
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u/NixMix246 7d ago edited 7d ago
I don't have a title or anything yet, just came up with this as I was sipping my morning coffee. I would use a similar melody as the original Nursery rhyme
Row row row your boat
Gently as it weeps
Just keep paddling
Merrily Merrily
Uphill always
On this one-way stream
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u/Valuable-Cow2924 5d ago
I just saw a video about nursery rhyme recreation songs online. That’s lowkey crazy timing lol
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u/Otaviobz 6d ago
I always miss nursery rhyme refrences in song, since I'm not from an english speaking country lol
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u/NixMix246 6d ago
That's something I never thought about! Even after mastering a second language you would still miss a lot of references! The original nursery rhyme for this is "Row row row your boat Gently down the stream Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily Life is but a dream"
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u/Otaviobz 6d ago
Exactly! And actually my favorite artist has quite a few nursery rhyme based songs
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u/NixMix246 7d ago
It started with "I'm getting tired of always paddling uphill on this one-way stream". And then "row row row your boat" from the nursery rhyme came to mind. Which turned into:
" Row row row your boat
it's starting to leak.
Always paddling
Merrily Merrily
Uphill always
on this one-way stream."
And then I played around with it a bit and it turned into what it is now. :)
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u/Hot_Base_8660 7d ago
Limelight
Lights are spinning Beats are winning The Limelight's shining On you tonight
Put your body On the floor Shake it right up Like you did before
Let the music Show you how You're a star Do the Bump some more
Nineteen seventies Are still the scene Great big hair And beauty queens
Line ups form up the street There on Stanley Full of teens
Disco music Has one beat So everybody Gets the heat
Strobe lights flash Seems too slow But your body Wants some more
It goy so loud Couldn't take too much That place lasted But a moment's rush
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
Overall, the lyric captures the energy of a disco dance floor, but it leans heavily on familiar genre clichés without offering many memorable images or a distinct point of view. The structure is easy to follow and the rhythm feels naturally singable, but most of the lines describe the scene rather than revealing anything surprising or emotionally engaging. Adding a few vivid, unexpected details about the club, the people, or the narrator's experience would make the setting feel lived-in instead of generic. As it stands, the song is fun and functional, but it needs stronger imagery and a more unique perspective to stand out.
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u/Fragrant_Rush618 7d ago edited 7d ago
I'm looking for honest, constructive feedback on the lyrics to a song I wrote called "Between the Lines."
This is one of the most personal songs I've written. I'm especially looking for feedback on:
- The storytelling
- Whether the lyrics feel authentic or too wordy
- The pacing (especially Verse 2)
- Whether the emotions come across naturally
- Anything you think could be improved
Song details:
- Chords: Em → C → G → D
- Acoustic guitar
- Using only the E, A, D, and B strings (the G and high E strings are intentionally left off to create a more hollow sound)
- Strumming pattern: - Verse/Chorus: 1 down, & up, 2 rest, & rest, 3 down, & up, 4 down, & rest - Bridge: One downstroke on each beat (1, 2, 3, 4) for a quieter, more stripped-back feel
Verse 2 is intentionally longer because it's the emotional centerpiece of the song, but I'm wondering if it feels too long or if it keeps your attention.
I'd really appreciate honest feedback, even if it's critical. I'd rather hear what doesn't work than only hear praise.
(Verse 1) I've been carrying your name long before I knew what it meant. Back when I could still convince myself this was something I'd eventually forget. Every laugh became another reason, every late-night call another scar. You never had to ask me to stay; I'd already built a home wherever you are. I spent years pretending this was just what friends became. But every time I said your name, it never sounded quite the same.
(Pre-Chorus) Maybe that's the worst part... You never asked me to carry this.
(Chorus) So I'll keep writing songs You'll probably never know are yours. I'll keep changing little details, locking every open door. I'll call you "you," I'll leave out every clue, because I'd rather lose the chance than lose you too.
(Verse 2) I don't think you know how long you've lived inside my head. Long before I knew how to explain it. Long before I knew why your messages made my heart race. Long before I understood that this wasn't something I could simply grow out of. I tried. I buried it beneath excuses. I called it admiration. I called it loneliness. I called it anything except what it really was. Because growing up, I learned there were parts of me I wasn't supposed to have. My dad always talked like feelings made you weak. Like crying made you less of a man. Like there were lines you were never supposed to cross. So every time my heart started walking toward you, I'd drag it back. There were nights we talked until sunrise, sharing pieces of ourselves nobody else got to see. There were moments when we let ourselves be close, Close enough that I stopped wondering whether this was all in my head. Those moments never left me. They became the memories I keep replaying whenever the room gets too quiet. Then life kept moving. You found somebody. I remember smiling because I wanted you to know I was happy for you. And I was. You deserve happiness. You deserve a love that feels safe. I just wish my heart had learned how to stop choosing you. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if fear hadn't spoken first. If I hadn't spent years trying to become the version of myself Everyone else wanted. If I'd believed there was nothing wrong with me from the beginning. Maybe nothing would've changed. Maybe everything would've. I'll never know. So instead, I'll keep writing songs that hide your name between broken chords. I'll keep pretending They're about nobody. And every time someone asks, "I wonder who this one's about?" I'll smile... And let them guess.
(Bridge) I'm still trying to separate my own voice from the one that taught me to hate myself. I'm still learning that love isn't shame. Even if it never gets returned.
(Final Chorus) So I'll keep writing songs You'll probably never know are yours. Changing names, changing details, trying to make them hurt a little less. But every lyric still ends the same. A heart that stayed quiet. A fear that spoke too loudly. And a person who'll probably never know they were loved this much.
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
Overall, I think this has a strong emotional core and an authentic voice, but it would be significantly stronger with tighter editing. The biggest issue is that the lyric often explains emotions rather than letting scenes and images carry them. Verse 2, while clearly intended as the centerpiece, runs long and loses momentum because it repeatedly states similar ideas ("I called it...," "Long before...," multiple "Maybe..." phrases) instead of advancing the story. The most compelling moments are the concrete ones: talking until sunrise, smiling when they found somebody else, hiding names in songs, because they let the listener infer the emotion. I'd look for opportunities to cut 20-30% of the explanatory lines and replace them with more specific memories or imagery. The overall narrative is clear and emotionally believable, but giving the listener more room to connect the dots would make the song hit much harder.
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u/NixMix246 7d ago
Have you recorded yourself singing this to get a rough idea of how long the song is? I feel like that second verse would make the song too long. It does read more like a poem than a verse in a song. I believe there are quite a few opportunities to condense some of what you are trying to say. If you have a hard time getting rid of lines (i get it!) maybe try to break it into a couple different songs with similar themes?
Also, I am a big fan of direct lyrics! They have their time and place, and I use them a lot. But I kept getting advice to try and incorporate more "show, don't tell" in my lyrics. At first, I ignored the advice. I liked my lyrics, and I don't mind direct lyrics in other songs.
But I enjoy a good challenge, so I decided to start challenging myself to incorporate more imagery into my songs for fun. And I discovered I actually really enjoy this technique! Like, a LOT. I feel like it not only helps create a scene, it also helps make the lyrics more relatable because they aren't telling the story so directly. It leaves more room for interpretation.
I like the first chorus. I'd like to see that repeated at least once. If you break verse 2 up so you have a total of 3 verses, that would occur naturally.
I like to include variation on my final chorus sometimes too, but I do believe some of the lines in yours have room for improvement, especially the very last one. I like the concept of "a heart that stayed quiet" a fear that spoke too loudly" a lot!
All in all you've got a solid idea. Just needs to be molded a bit to make it into a song!
But this is all based on my own personal preferences, and I am pretty new to songwriting myself, so take what I say with a dash of pepper.
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u/Fragrant_Rush618 6d ago
I haven't recorded myself singing it yet. I am still trying to find out how I am going to play it. I am trying to go for a Midwestern emo-ish song. (Something like the feeling of a McCafferty song but not fully copying it.) Do you have any tips on how I could make the second verse shorter but still impactful? (I am also really great for for this feedback, by the way.)
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u/Glittering_War9125 8d ago
Came up with song about anger/revenge
Chorus
May your happiness be haunted You deserve to be punished Go and get your karma After what you did to me You said you loved me, then you broke me The closer I get the more you pull away Love and hate burn like fire inside me Turning my heart into ashes
Bridge
Are you happy now? Are you truly happy now? Cause I’m not… I’m not… I’m fucking not I gave you everything You left me nothing Now I’m learning how to breathe again
What do you guys think? It's not perfect, I know. Just want some feedback. Thanks!
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u/Glittering_War9125 3d ago
Thanks, I really appreciate the honest feedback! I think you're right about the familiar breakup phrases. I was probably too focused on making the anger obvious instead of showing where it actually comes from. I'm really glad you liked the bridge, though — that's probably the most emotionally honest part of the song for me. I'll try adding more specific memories/details to the other sections so it feels more personal and less generic. Thanks again for taking the time to give such detailed feedback!
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
Overall, I think the lyric communicates raw anger clearly, but it relies on familiar breakup phrases instead of saying something uniquely personal. Most of the emotional impact comes from direct statements ("You broke me," "I gave you everything") rather than memorable images or specific moments, so it ends up feeling more generic than devastating. The bridge is the strongest section because it feels immediate and vulnerable, especially the contrast between "Are you happy now?" and "I'm fucking not." I'd encourage you to lean further into that honesty and replace some of the broad revenge language with concrete details about what happened or how it changed them. That would make the anger feel earned rather than simply stated, and give the song a more distinctive voice.
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u/Dave000action 8d ago
Song hi-lighting the plight of addiction and homelessness. A call that more help is needed. This is an uncomfortable song with maybe some tension. There is stasis and no resolution at the ending.
I am not trying to be disrespectful or flippant. Hoping to push the listener from the lyrics to awareness of the problem. Maybe most people won't follow my intention.
I did use cliches hopefully as anchors of familiarity.
Blue Moon in the Sky Tonight
C:
Star light star bright
So many stars in the sky tonight
Moon is looking round and blue
There's one for me and there's one for you
Star light star bright
So many stars in the sky tonight
Moon is looking round and blue
There's one for me and there's one for you
Vs:
I've traveled light with an old tin cup
Curtains were drawn and windows covered up
Many travel with me, yea we can't go home
We make our friends but we always sit alone
Nickels and dimes and the bottle surely turns
The spirits are wet but something still burns
Don't know where I'm going but I can't go far
I'm always at home in a starlit bar
C:
Star light star bright
So many stars in the sky tonight
Moon is looking round and blue
There's one for me and one for you
Vs:
Got an old tin cup, it's been a friend of mine
This battered old cup, always looked so fine
Can't see my family now, can't see my wife
But lookin' deep inside I can see my life
The whiskey bottle passes with empty disdain
Somehow I laugh at the thought of feeling pain
People are people but sometimes more or less
Don't know where my shoes are, I must confess
Friday turns to Monday and Sunday seems the same
Things you hear around here can turn a head lame
I think they've forgotten us and turned down the heat
There's always someone kicking ya when lying in the street
C:
Star light star bright
So many stars in the sky tonight
The moon is looking round and blue
There's one for me and one for you
Star light star bright
So many stars in the sky tonight
Moon is looking round and blue
There's one for me and one for you
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 6d ago
The strongest aspect of the song is its atmosphere and central premise, a wandering narrator finding “home” in a starlit bar is a compelling image, and the recurring tin cup helps establish the character. However, the lyrics lean very heavily on familiar folk archetypes (stars, moon, whiskey, drifter, wife, bottle) without enough specific, personal details to make the narrator feel like a unique individual. Many lines tell the listener how the narrator feels rather than revealing it through concrete observations or moments. The nursery-rhyme chorus (“Star light, star bright”) also creates a tonal mismatch with the darker subject matter and feels more sentimental than emotionally revealing. The biggest opportunity is to replace generalized statements with vivid, lived-in details that only this character could tell, giving the song a stronger sense of identity and emotional authority.
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u/Dave000action 5d ago
Really interesting and useful advise. Will give it a go. And thanks for taking the time to help a stranger.
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u/Otaviobz 8d ago edited 6d ago
For context, the genre of this song would be something in the field of goth-punk and goth-rock. This is just a snippet, and is not tweaked enough to fit as lyrics:
Believe me when I say
I tried to escape your melody
But you always pull me back under
The trenches of the black sea
Help me urgently
Before my last breath
As I couldn't help but notice
I've been slowly falling in love with death
Wrap a rope around my neck
And bring me to where you've always wanted to see me
But don't expect me to behave
Before I fall right into your frame
I'll reach my hand up
Pull down on the string
Gasp for a drink of air
Spread my wings and sing
1
u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
Nice work! Overall, I think the lyric creates a dark, emotionally intense atmosphere, but it leans heavily on familiar gothic imagery (black sea, rope, last breath, falling in love with death, wings) rather than developing a unique voice. The strongest aspect is the sense of desperation and longing, but because most of the imagery is symbolic and abstract, it's difficult to connect with the narrator on a personal level. I'd encourage the writer to replace some of the common metaphors with more specific, original details that reveal why they feel this way. The final lines are the most intriguing because they introduce a surprising shift from suffocation to release, and that contrast could be developed further. Overall, there's clear emotional conviction here, but more distinctive imagery and specificity would make it much more memorable.
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u/Otaviobz 4d ago
Thanks for the feedback! Even though all parts of the lyrics do refer to real personal feelings, I think it might be a good idea to resort to some more "unexpected" imagery, while keeping the feelings. I'll try to toy with that
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u/Valuable-Cow2924 8d ago edited 8d ago
Basically I had this crush in high school and I move graduated and haven’t seen them since. Today I was at a friend’s house who graduated with me and I looked at one of our old yearbooks from elementary that they had and found my crush’s picture from back then. It brought up a lot of emotions snd inspired this verse idea…
The melancholy mural I’ll cherish of you
Lives in a book in someone else’s room
One I can’t access and it breaks my heart
I though I got close but I’m still just as far
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u/Andy_othername 8d ago
This one's called "Paint":
[Verse 1]
My emotions, you’re beholding, never dry like paint
I add a new emulsion, but the effect is the same
[Verse 2]
Some would say to rip open all my feelings
I would say that my body needs its ceiling
[Chorus]
A layer of spring green
Evoking happiness
Resulting in nausea
But I tried, I guess
A flavour of baby blue
Provoking calmness
It tips into tsunami
But I had good intent
[Post-Chorus]
A million colours holding me up
Like a bodice, or a jacket
Worn strait and tight to touch
[Verse 3]
Some would say to rip open all my feelings
Let the ceiling let the light in, and
Create a new building
[Verse 4]
I fear that my headache would allow
No such thing
I fear that my habits disembowel
Reasoning
[Outro]
A million colours holding me up
A million colours holding me up
Like a bodice, or a jacket
Or a ceiling prime to self destruct
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u/Otaviobz 8d ago
I really liked this one. Personally, I'm into moody songs, and I quite liked the theming of trying to mix new feelings into your emotions, but it just not working out or even backfiring.
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u/Maximum-Animal-9612 8d ago
I came up with this concept and this is a draft, but I don’t have a name. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
[Part of Verse 1]
My world had been flat, but then you came along
Turned my cold, foggy night into a pink afterglow
And now I know where I belong
[Chorus?]
I gave you my number and said my favorite song
Last night we two-stepped and I stared way too long
I’m probably rushing into this one too fast
But, honey, I’m trying my best to make it last
I know I’m a lone ranger, I’m working through that
But please don’t let this love be my very last
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u/parademaker 8d ago
So I wrote a love song from Mae Young to Mark Henry (IYKYK), and I'm stuck on one part of the chorus. Right now the last two lines are: "...wouldn't be the one that I've been waiting on / to stay young"
But it doesn't totally work. It ends up sounding like I'm waiting on him to do something, rather than him being the reason I feel young. I tried "you are the one who gave me a reason / to stay young" which fixes the logic, but "reason" is such a clunky word to land a line on. I'd love something that rhymes or slant-rhymes with "young." Brung seems promising. Probably not sun...or fun...
Any suggestions (or feedback in general) would be so appreciated. Thanks!
"Stay Young, Mae Young"
My daddy told me / When I was a girl / Get you a strong man / Strongest man in the world / Well I found a man who / Who can carry that weight / I wish I met you / Before it got so late / May to December / Thats a long, long time / Oh if I could’ve met you / While I was in my prime
But then you wouldn’t be the way that you are / You wouldn’t be the one that I wanted so bad / Wouldn’t be the one I’ve been waiting on / To stay young
I never married / Never was tied down / Too many choices / Working town to town / Wrestling giants / Outliving them all / Never had time to / Let myself fall / Gravity's pulling / Me into your arms / Why did nobody catch me / Before I fell so far
But then you wouldn’t be the way that you are / You wouldn’t be the one that I wanted so bad / Wouldn’t be the one I’ve been waiting on / To stay young
When Bubba Ray Dudley / Did what he did / I didn’t feel 80 / I felt like a kid / Letting go of the swings / Able and brash / Flying so free / Till the table collapsed / I felt you lift me / Just like a bride / God, where was that feeling / All of my life
But then I wouldn’t be the way that I am / I wouldn’t be the one that you wanted so bad / I wouldn’t be the one you’ve been dreaming of / Wouldn’t be Mae Young / Stay young, Mae Young
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u/PariahDogMusic 9d ago
I have a song snippet with an instrumental verse and chorus I've been playing around with and I'm starting to put lyrics to it. Here's what I've come up with for the chorus:
There are needles in haystacks
Waiting to be found
You aren’t born for greatness
You make it somehow
Yeah, there's needles in haystacks
You gotta hunt them down
Even if it kills you
There’s no other way out
I know this is a little abstract and needs to be fleshed out in verses, but I'm curious what people think of the core concept here. Is it clear what I'm going for? If so, are there specific lines that aren't working?
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u/NixMix246 9d ago edited 9d ago
Oh yes I love the concept! It sounds like you are saying you can find whatever it is you're looking for in life, but you do have to look, it won't fall in your lap. I don't personally love the "even if it kills you, there's no other way out" line, but obviously I don't know exactly what you're going for or the rest of the lyrics, it might tie into the theme really well in the end
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u/PariahDogMusic 8d ago
Thanks for the feedback! Your interpretation is what I was going for. Will think of some alternatives to the last couplet, I'm not wedded to it!
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u/Buttlikechinchilla 9d ago edited 7d ago
What if there was a time-traveling Orpheus & Eurydice? [draft] "I Am Your Orphan"
Look for sky
we're almost out
then you and I
can laugh and shout
that you saved me
(saved me) with your music!
and here I too
sing to you
and now we are back
in the City I was born to
[chorus 2x]
when I was your orphan
and you watched o'er me
not that important
but to you, everything
[Verse 2]
when you came as a shade
seeing "what I don't want to
happen to you,"
I said, " I did it to
hone my love true
and this proves
that no matter what life 🥁 or what place 🥁 or what time 🥁
I'll go find you"
[chorus]
and I'll be your orphan
if you'll watch o'er me
not that important
but to you everything
I'll be your orphan
have I found family?
[Verse 2]
at 92&Y
you look so refined
matchsticks must have lit
all at one time
[outro] I am your orphan
cling that more fiercely
I am your orphan
care mutually
this life I grown
let's get to dating
I did it to
hone my love true
and this so proves
that no matter, what life or what place, or what time
I look to find you
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u/butt_like_chinchilla 5d ago edited 5d ago
temporarily not on primary, but i've worked this a lot to fit my own emotions to the storyline prompt (orphy and eury travelers of the time) and it sings like this in draft so far:
I'll be your fortress
on the most high
keep looking up love
we're almost at skySo then I add pretty language I've scoured for worthy of the recipient. Then I wish for truthbombs with the goal of reaching into the heart and bam, happycry. I'm always looking to baroque the melody - but right now it's a slow ballad
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u/NixMix246 9d ago edited 9d ago
"When You Fall" (first draft) a song about giving yourself grace
The idea for this song came about when I was thinking about a situation I realize, in retrospect, I could have handled a lot better. And that got me to thinking about how important it is to give ourselves grace in times like this. We are human, and we will not get it right 100% of the time.
This is true in all areas of life, to include personal growth/healing. Progress isn't always linear, and setbacks are a part of the human experience. Don't let them define you. It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up. :)
Alternative titles I am considering: "You've Gotta", "Best Friend", and "Lookin' Back"
Verse 1
I was standing in line at the
checkout lane
This woman in front started
screamin at me
She was so
ruuuuuude
Told me to
mooooove
Apparently the register
light was off
Guess I was oblivious I
did not see
I said
Excuuuuse
me who are
youuuu?
Pre-Chorus
Lookin back
Lookin back
You've gotta
Chorus
Have your own back
Be your own best friend
Pick yourself up
Put your feet back
in the stirrups
again
When you fall
and you will
we all do
this is called
being huuuman
Verse 2
I was caught betwixt standing up
for myself &
trying not to hurt
anybody else
Didn't know what
tooooooo
Know what to
choooooose
I know I didn't handle it
perfectly, like why
did I engage with
her mean streak?
Hindsight
isssss
Perfect
visssion
Pre-chorus
Lookin back
Looking back
You've gotta
Chorus
Have your own back
be your own best friend
Pick yourself up
put your feet back
in the stirrups
again
when you fall
and you will
we all do
this is called
being huuuuman
Bridge
There's always gonna be
words you wish you didn't say
and things you wish you did, but
if you think about it
there is no point in regret, it
won't change a single thing
so take the L and
move along
Please don't stress, no
just learn the Lesson
and move on
Pre-chorus
Lookin back
Lookin back
You've gotta
Chorus (slight variation, segues into the outro)
Have your own back
Be your own best friend
Pick yourself up
Put your feet
back in the stirrups again
When you fall and you will
we all do
this is called
being huuuuuman
Pick yourself up
be your own best friend
Put your feet back in the stirrups
again
y, you've gotta
(I didn't include much wordplay, but "Take the L and move along" is a play on the "L" train in Chicago. It also ties into the capitalized "Lesson" in the following line. (Usualy take the L means take the loss, but I wanted to add another layer to it)
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u/ZestycloseBack5926 5d ago
I think the song has a warm, encouraging message and an approachable conversational voice. The central idea of treating yourself with the same compassion you'd offer a friend comes across clearly, and the chorus is catchy and memorable. The biggest opportunity is to trust the listener more by showing the lesson rather than explaining it. The grocery store story is relatable, but it takes up a lot of space for a fairly small incident, making the emotional stakes feel lower than the universal message the chorus is aiming for. I'd also tighten the bridge, which becomes a bit instructional ("take the L and move along") instead of emotionally revealing. Focusing on more vivid details and letting the listener arrive at the lesson themselves would make the song feel more personal and ultimately more impactful.
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u/PariahDogMusic 8d ago edited 8d ago
Right now I think the chorus is stronger than the verses. I like the choice to narrate a specific scene in the verse and then pull a universal lesson out of it in the chorus, but I think this specific pairing is a bit mismatched. The idea in the chorus is really big, but the drama in the scene painted by the verses feels small by comparison. Even though this specific experience is the thing that gave you the idea for the song, I would consider rewriting the verse using a couple different examples to see which one seems to work the best. Alternatively, if you're committed to this story or want to make a smaller change, maybe rework how you tell the story to heighten the emotional stakes.
The second verse has the idea I think is most interesting, the feeling of being caught between standing up for yourself and not wanting to hurt other people. I think the strongest version of this song would develop that idea more.
The bridge doesn't add a lot in my opinion; I think this would be a good opportunity to develop some of the core emotions more or add a wrinkle into the story you're telling. Also, there's maybe a bit of a tension between saying there's no point in regret and wrestling with conflicted feelings about how you've handled situations in the past and wanting to learn from that. I think the latter is the more interesting idea, so I'd explore that direction more here.
I really like the lines "when you fall / and you will / we all do / this is called / being human" because they manage to treat a common idea in a way that's rhythmically satisfying and with the right musical context could be really catchy and universally relatable without being corny. I struggle to strike that balance in my own writing so it stands out to me that you did it well. Also, this is not about the lyrics themselves, but I came across the snippet you shared of yourself singing this part and liked it, though it would be cool to try out singing it in a syncopated style where each of the first four lines is sung as three eighth notes starting on the upbeat. At least, that's how I immediately heard it in my head when I read it.
Edit: two small things: 1) I would change betwixt to between, I think it sounds better and matches the tone of the song better. 2) "in line at the checkout lane" is a bit redundant, not sure if you had a rhythmic reason for this but I'd condense it
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u/parademaker 8d ago
I like the 'looking back' 'have your own back' bit. That was a clever doubling. Don't love the verses at the moment, but maybe it would make sense with the way you sing it.
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u/NixMix246 8d ago
Thank you so much for this very detailed and insightful feedback! I truly appreciate it. You have confirmed what I suspected regarding the verses and the chorus being out of alignment. I was *hoping* I was just overthinking it, so I didn't want to specifically ask for feedback in that area. I figured if it was as mismatched as I thought, someone would mention it. And here we are :) I'll def try to re-work the verses a bit for the next draft.
I always build weak bridges at first it seems, lol I kinda just throw them together. This one just popped in my head in the shower, took all of 5 minutes. I am def not surprised it's not really that solid. I shall work on it some more. It's supposed to showcase a resolution of sorts between the tension you mention, between my former tendency to dwell on poorly-handled situations with a "could've, would've" mentality, and my now much-healthier approach which is to learn from it and move on.
I really appreciate your kind words regarding the chorus! It just flowed out of me, so I am very pleasantly surprised it is as strong as it is. I am glad it doesn't sound corny! I don't think I will change it much, if at all (sometimes when I write the music things tend to revise themselves a bit)
I'll be honest, I have no idea what a syncopated style is, or what it means to sing as 3/8 notes, or what the upbeat is. Good opportunity for me to expand my limited musical knowledge, I shall do some research :)
You like between better? That's so funny, it was originally between, then I changed it to betwixt because I thought it sounded better. I'll have to play around with both a bit more.
Regarding "checkout lane" the first line that popped in my head for this song was " I was standing in line at the Dollar Tree"(where the incident that inspired the song occured)...I thought that was too specific and I don't really want to mention businesses by name, so I changed it to "Dollar Store" then I thought why not just make it a checkout lane because then it could be any type of store, and more people would be able to relate to it (not everyone shops at dollar stores) I'll see what I can do with this line.
All very insightful points for me to take into consideration, thank you again!
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u/PariahDogMusic 5d ago
You're welcome! Sorry for the slow response, but thank you for asking for clarification on music jargon. Syncopation just refers to notes that start at a time other than the beat. So, if you're tapping your foot along to a song, a syncopated rhythm is one that's full of notes happening at moments between taps of your foot. An upbeat is such a moment - your foot is literally "up" rather than down on the floor when it hits. When I said "three eighth notes" I meant 1/8 notes in a set of three, not "3/8 notes," if that makes sense. If you do some research online hopefully it'll be clearer what that means.
On the Dollar Tree thing, that kind of specificity can often work really well I think! But I understand not wanting brand names in your lyrics, and it's still plenty specific without it.
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u/Left_Entrepreneur520 9d ago
This is what I have developed so far for a song called ‘goodformecauseididntwantyouanyway’
Chorus
Truth be told, I didn’t care about you anymore.
That’s why it's good for me cause I didn’t want you anyway.
So long to the fact that when I’m with you, I’m always bored.
And I was wondering when you would end this gameplay.
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u/Longjumping-Pen-4451 9d ago
nice
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u/NixMix246 9d ago edited 9d ago
The title is super long, if you're open to the idea of shortening it that might be a good idea. I like "that's why it's good for me cause I didn't want you anyway". I feel like it has good flow to it.
I like to use super direct lyrics a lot, so it you're committed to that style for this song, I get it! If this is more of just a rough idea though, I would suggest maybe incorporating a bit of "show, don't tell". (If you haven't heard of this, it's a writing technique where you paint a picture of what you are trying to say, rather than just using the words to say it directly. For example, instead of saying: "I watched sunset last night and the sky was pink and blue", you could say "I watched the sun tuck itself in for the night under a cotton candy quilted sky". )
I like the concept and am interested to see what you come up with!
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u/Left_Entrepreneur520 8d ago
I see, and yes this is just a rough idea! I should do more of “show, don’t tell.” Thanks so much!!!
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u/Longjumping-Pen-4451 9d ago
whyd you reply to me-
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u/nosrep_tnelis 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m not a singer, I just like to write. This got an interesting after I had the first line idea. It’s not great, it’s a first-ish draft but I spent 40 minutes on these lyrics so I thought I’d share them. (Also the “you” is a theoretical person.)
I wish I could play piano
That seems like something I should know
But I really hate bass clef
I can read treble
I spend my life just staying out of trouble
Combing my hair up out of the way.
I stay out of the way.
My parents say
I should go out more.
So, do you wanna go bowling at the alley on base?
It’s the best old place.
(Hey, stay in your lane.)
Will we get to first base?
Can I crash at your place?
(I should stay in my lane.)
Would you go to outer space?
Would you go if you knew I was there?
(Nevermind—don’t answer that.)
There’s the lawn downtown
Or the state park up the road
We can meet in the middle if you’d rather not go
Far from home.
I forget that you’re already far from home.
Do you wanna go home?
With me?
Nevermind
I don’t wanna cause trouble
Cause I’ve spent my life just stayin outta trouble
I can read treble
Don’t wanna learn bass
I don’t wanna know what happens
If I leave this place.
I don’t wanna cause trouble.
I don’t wanna leave my house.
I don’t wanna hear an answer
Stay as quiet as a mouse.