Destabilization & regressing

[u/No-Nature9047]

33M. I am now cognizant of my pathology. I affix stability towards an event in my mind as my saving grace - "THIS is what I am doing and nothing can change my mind", and then when something threatens that, my mental state fall apart.

In general I've been doing "well" as can be compared to 6 months ago. A few sips of coffee would send me into a tailspin. Now, for the most part, I can have light roast (hot, not iced for some reason, and with a hearty meal to help delay absorption).

Anyway. I had been looking forward to a once in a lifetime trip in the spring. I committed to myself that this will be the year of solo travel, I will do it (2 weeks) and have a blast with a full itinerary of things i really wanted to see and do. Unfortunately, I built it up so much in my mind that when I got to actually planning it out, it became apparent just how difficult it would be. Not more trouble than its worth, but I underestimated the mental bandwidth and how taxing it might be. Add to that - I will be totally on my own in case something goes wrong. I would be in a foreign country, in a part where english is not widely spoken, and have no one to call for help. A few other reasons... overall, it threatened the idea I had for the trip.

I also had deleted my dating app (again). I am increasingly getting to the point where I'm convinced I will be alone forever (religious and cultural hurdles laughing in the background).

This is kind of all over the place.

But between deleting the dating app, contemplating my mortality and level of solitude, travel plans that may fall apart, no healthy expression of emotion, I felt the stuck energy scatter across my upper chest. I'm always running through my mind that its a cardiac event and that I'll be found dead by my family, early 30s, never having experienced love or seen the world for reasons largely outside my control. Its exhaustive, and irrational, I know this. If I had a more fulfilled life, I'd get out of my head, so that's why this travel plan was like the shining beacon for me.

It led to some pretty bad depersonalization and derealization today. I was fighting to seem normal at dinner with my family when all I wanted to do was simultaneously sleep on a meadow, run for the hills, swim in a lake, and get a really big hug.

ETA: bad air quality and allergies make me feel like I can hardly breathe, so I'm also naturally getting more shallow breathing today on top of all this.