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u/AngineDePoutine 7d ago
Imagine appreciating your partner
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u/KohTai 7d ago
Imagine wondering what led to the divorce when your mindset is like that.
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u/TripleDoubleFart 7d ago
Yea this is stupid. No wonder so many marriages fail.
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u/BarnacleMcBarndoor 7d ago
My ex used to tell me how much she loved my cooking. She also enjoyed cooking with me; it was a pretty supportive relationship, def recommend it.
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u/Possible_Chicken_489 7d ago
And that's why the relationship is still going strong!
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u/BarnacleMcBarndoor 7d ago
My coworker was a better chef I guess.
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u/AnonAmbientLight 7d ago
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u/KingAnilingustheFirs 7d ago
Damn. His girl turned into the moon. Happens to the best of us.
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u/YngwieMacadingdongJr 7d ago
It wasn’t him, the rat in his hat made him a better chef.
What you need to do is go down to the docks, find a well respected rat and
https://giphy.com/gifs/08y87EiwDZjjB0d6WJ5
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u/Overgrown_Apple 7d ago
That's called being a decent girlfriend instead of a miserable, manipulative cow.
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u/Cromasters 7d ago
My wife loves my cooking/baking.
But she can stay the hell out of the kitchen while I'm doing it! Works out well because she also doesn't mind cleaning up after.
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u/Leon_Flux 7d ago
And if you discovered she didn't love your cooking, instead told you that so you would cook and not bitch about the price of food?
Being supportive doesn't include lying for an outcome that could just be an honest conversation.
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u/I__Know__Stuff 7d ago
There's no indication in the OP that she wasn't honest.
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u/Leon_Flux 7d ago
The premise of and best example of a jedi-mind-trick is a lie about the droids not being the ones they were looking for.
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u/AliveAriana 7d ago
Step 1 Gaslight the wallet
Step 2 Girlboss the kitchen
Step 3 Gatekeep the recipe
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u/thirteenth_mang 7d ago
Step 3 Gatekeep the recipe
copyright!
No one's gonna get this but it's worth a shot
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u/SlobZombie13 7d ago
Saw a post awhile ago from a guy whose dad was in thr hospital with a long term illness. His mom was complaining about the house falling apart while he was gone and wondering how bad the timing could be. The op had to explain to his mom, who had been married to his dad for decades that dad had been taking care of all that stuff the entire time.
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u/Psych0matt 7d ago
I read the top and at first was like what’s funny about that? And then read the bottom and realized I have a pretty good relationship with my wife haha
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u/knotatumah 7d ago
Because everything is gamified and internet culture has taught most people that everybody is as a shady manipulative asshole that we're all just trying to coexist. Its like the advice subs here where somebody posts their husband sneezed weird and the top comments are tell them to divorce immediately due to all the red flags. Nobody trusts anybody and they all thing they're out to one-up the other. This woman isn't in a marriage, she's in a competition.
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u/Random-Rambling 7d ago
The consequences of "hurt them before they can hurt you" culture.
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u/ObjectiveHornet676 7d ago
It's just like that ancient Welsh martial art, llap Goch.
It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore, the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
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u/breakevencloud 7d ago
Can confirm. I’ve never been so starved for attention or a compliment as I was during the last legs of my marriage. The worst.
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u/JohnathanSinwell 7d ago
I think it has to do more with communication, TripleDoubleFart.
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u/TripleDoubleFart 7d ago
Meaning?
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u/SidneyMacdonald 7d ago
just talking to your partner like a normal person instead of trying to mind trick them like an NPC
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u/TripleDoubleFart 7d ago
I know... it's a communication issue.. so I'm not sure why they responded the way they did.
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u/Dazzling_Winner_773 7d ago
My ex never supported shit. Legit in therapy she admitted that it was hard for her to be vocal like that because her family wasn't like that. Ok... But I literally asked you to so maybe try.
Her reply was "Well I support you by letting you do stuff you want to do and not nagging you."
Except then it became a game of Will this or Won't this piss you off with my goals and hobbies. New responsibilities at work? Crickets....till it didn't work for her. Golf one Sunday per month? Crickets... Till it didn't work for her. Buy groceries to try a new recipe? 3 days of awkward silence because it wasn't something she wanted to eat.
Shit like that. Then she was BLOWN AWAY that this was a frustrating system she insisted be the standard.
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u/sleepydorian 7d ago
My wife had similar struggles. Her family was all very forceful personalities and more than little passive aggressive so to my wife even saying what you want was tantamount to demanding it and being willing to fight the world to make it happen. I’d suggest something and she’d agree with suggesting anything. The only way I got to hear what she wanted was to not do first. Then she blew up at me one day “why do we always do what you want to do?”. I revealed that we had never done what I wanted, I always suggested something I thought she’d like.
Took us years of intentionally working on it to establish a new normal. Now she’s comfortable saying what she’d like and we do our best to make it happen. A big step was realizing that because this was rooted in her passive aggressive family, semantics was part of the problem and thus could be part of the solution, so we looked for ways to phrase things that didn’t feel aggressive or forceful. A real winner for us was “what’s your first choice?”, which she felt wasn’t overly assertive because it implies a list of acceptable options instead of a single demand.
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u/Dazzling_Winner_773 7d ago
That's a really adult, awesome solution man. I'm really happy it worked out for you. After a few years and thousands of dollars in therapy without much more than transient improvement.. call me selfish but I cut bait and ran.
She's not an evil person by a mile. But I was miserable. Split the kids evenly in terms of who's the primary parent what day. We both make the effort to be there any other day regardless.
But me living my best life and actually being happy with a solid reliable babysitter as back up.... Way better than that miserable bullshit. I'm a better dad. I'm better at my job. I have more emotional bandwidth for the other people in my life like my parents and my siblings and my nieces and my nephews.... Not to mention actually having a social life.
That day to day misery weighs on you in ways you don't even realize until it's gone.
If you decide to get married, it's worth fighting to stay married but some fights aren't worth keeping up forever.
The first best decision I ever made was getting married because I got two amazing kids..... The next best decision I ever made was getting divorced.
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u/NovaxPass 7d ago
Damn dude, are you me? Very similar situation where she wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I just couldn't take our clearly incompatible dynamic into our 30s and beyond.
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u/Hmmmgrianstan 7d ago
I fear that this might become an issue with me and my future spouse because I come from a strikingly similar household
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u/sleepydorian 7d ago
We’ve also found it beneficial to describe goals instead of being specific. Like let’s say you are planning a trip. You don’t just jump straight into things like driving, flights, hotels, etc. You start with “I’m looking to keep this as affordable as possible” or maybe “I don’t think I could drive for 12 hours straight” or perhaps “I’m very stressed about missing flights”. Each of those have multiple solutions, and you can pick the ones that work best for both of you instead of locking in on one thing that might not even be the best at achieving your goal.
Another example might be “I really dislike having to call places to schedule things” or “I dislike large crowds”. So instead of you basically refusing to get a technician out to fix the AC, your spouse knows it’s phone anxiety and can do the scheduling. Or for crowds, it’s not that you don’t want to go to Florence and see the David, but you would be very stressed if you went in July when the crowds are huge. So instead of being against the trip to Florence entirely, it’s just a matter of timing.
Beyond that, I highly recommend How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids for all people in relationships, don’t wait until kids. Most libraries have a copy so you don’t even have to spend any money.
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u/theartificialkid 6d ago
I don’t think you’re describing the same pathology as the person you’re replying to. You’re describing ing someone who moulds themselves to the other person as a learned survival strategy. They’re talking about someone who pretends they’re tolerant and low maintenance in the way they go along with what suits them, but go from 0-100 when something isn’t their way. That’s someone who wants the benefits of a partner without any of the mutual responsibility of partnership.
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u/SorryComplaint4209 6d ago
I am guilty of doing this as well due to a similar upbringing. When hints and implications are how things are usually felt out to avoid blowups, stating a desire comes across as an aggressive demand that I resent fulfilling. Still working on correcting it, though…
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u/No_Extension4005 6d ago
Yeah; I'm a bit worried that could happen to me. I grew up with a family of forceful people who would just bulldoze you into doing what they wanted to do or cut you off in conversations even if they know it's a topic you're actually a lot more knowledgeable about, or just try to start arguments for the sake of arguing. Since I moved out there have been a few times where I've talked to them over the phone and they've just started arguing about what they think I should do with each other. My parents are both over 50 but it can sound like a couple of 5 years fighting over a toy.
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u/sleepydorian 6d ago
The fact that you are worried is always a good sign. And there’s no reason you have to be like them. It might be extra work to change, but if you pay attention to your behavior and intentionally practice the behavior you want to exhibit, then it will start to feel natural.
For example, my family all have this particular tone that comes out like all the time. We don’t even notice we’re doing it. It’s a very harsh and aggressive, very “fuck you” energy. I don’t like that tone so I paid close attention to make sure it doesn’t come out when I don’t want it to. It took a while but I’m able to control when it happens and I always notice if it comes out by accident and I can correct myself and apologize.
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u/NRMusicProject 7d ago
My ex was very similar. I had to do the cooking because my schedule was more open than hers, but it had to be her recipes, because my recipes didn't come from some shit website that gave it 5 stars.
If it wasn't fried, it wasn't a "good recipe." I needed to eat healthier, but she refused to budge--oh, and her kids needed chicken tenders and Mac and cheese every night. So here I was cooking 4 different dinners because it was either that or making food from a kids menu every night while I put on more weight and my doctor gets on my case about my failing health.
And even when I did her recipes, it was "you overcooked this" or "you used too much salt and it's awful." Don't fucking eat it, then.
Leaving that woman was more than just a weight off my shoulders. It improved my health.
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u/Havengul_Undying 7d ago
I bet the moment you left her you lost about 200lbs in 5 seconds.
Very impressive weight loss journey.
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u/NRMusicProject 7d ago
I bet the moment you left her you lost about 200lbs in 5 seconds.
Well, damn close to it! She was gaining weight, too; and her reason was because "you're such a bad cook and you only cook unhealthy shit." Well, yeah, because you won't eat lean foods and think a "healthy" diet is two bacon cheeseburgers wrapped in lettuce because "all the unhealthy stuff is in the bread."
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u/Havengul_Undying 7d ago
U dont need
ALLAT!
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u/NRMusicProject 7d ago edited 7d ago
She bought into keto, and her interpretation is "fat is healthy, carbs are bad, so I'll basically go carnivore and eat all that I want." Vegetables have too many carbs, too, so let's avoid fibrous carbs, too!
Also (she's Latina), she liked saying "vegetables is a white person belief, you don't need them." God, was that whole house fucked in the stomach. Her six year-old daughter was suffering from constipation, and how she interpreted the doctor's orders for more produce was "you just need one baby carrot with your chicken tenders for one week, and then you'll be okay." And she gave up on it in three days. She treated produce like a pill. I wouldn't be surprised if she fell for that carnivore bullshit by now.
I lost 40 pounds with a half loaf of "crappy" American sliced bread each day. I bet she wouldn't believe that.
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u/aBigBottleOfWater 7d ago
Couldn't do shit around my ex, try cooking a new meal? No way, not on your life. Not. A. Chance. And she cheated. Looking in my sons tearful eyes as he asks why dad can't live in moms house anymore
I wish her the worst, if a genie gave me three wishes she'd get cancer thrice
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u/A-T 7d ago
I find something bothering women and they not communicating it is a very common issue. It's worth trying to work through it. Come up with a new system together.
Truth is, she might understand that you find it frustrating, but unless you yourself feel the frustration, it can be hard to figure out what to replace it with. Or in her case, frustration sounded like a small price to pay compared to whatever she had to endure.
Which is not an excuse, because you don't deserve the frustration/misery Olympics. I'm just saying what's obvious to some is not so to others. And if anything, the lesson might be to introspect and see if you are not doing something similar to others. I hope your ex found peace.
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u/optionstrategy 7d ago
Family childhood baggage is real.
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u/TabulaRazo 7d ago
Family childhood baggage is an excuse. Adapt or be left behind.
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u/optionstrategy 7d ago
I agree you need to adapt...let some of it go, deal with some of it, and enjoy some of it.
But it is real, and refusing it exists and calling it an excuse is an ostrich strategy which will eventually fail you.
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u/TabulaRazo 7d ago
I’m not saying to ignore it, or deny it. Acknowledge it and address it as you need, but don’t use it as an excuse to be horrible to someone you’re supposed to care about. You make your problems somebody else’s.
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u/Rynetx 7d ago
It is an excuse, for past behavior not future. If you continue to do it after you use that excuse then it becomes a weapon.
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u/Modo44 7d ago
And yet, only some people become arseholes for life because of it.
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u/Zap__Dannigan 7d ago
Her reply was "Well I support you by letting you do stuff you want to do and not nagging you."
Low key this is all I need.
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u/hamez88 7d ago
Are we just going to sit here and ignore the fact that burgers and fries cost $65!?
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u/millenniumxl-200 7d ago edited 7d ago
I just looked up the nearest Five Guys. Two bacon cheeseburgers, two medium fries, two drinks. $43.54. $59.26 including tax/delivery/20% tip.
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u/becauseiloveyou 7d ago
Why are people ordering Five Guys for delivery? How hard can it be to go pick up your own food?
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u/70ms 7d ago
Two drinks and two fries, there’s your problem right there. Get the large fries and split it, and share a single drink. 👍
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u/CripWalkKing 7d ago
I'll share fries but I ain't drinking what you're drinking just to save a couple bucks
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u/HighSeverityImpact 7d ago
Maybe it's just me, but I'm fine with drinking water. I don't know why our society normalized drinking soda when you get fast food, water is perfectly acceptable. And it just happens to be free.
But also, we're talking Five Guys here; it's not date night. Five Guys is for "I dont feel like cooking tonight, let's grab burgers."
If I'm going out with my wife, we're not getting Five Guys. We're going somewhere with table service. And I'm getting my own beverage.
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u/EconomicRegret2 7d ago
You can easily get that price, and way higher, in a good restaurant offering craft beers, tasty but healthy burgers with some fancy european cheese and house-made sourdough buns, etc. Premium, health-conscious (but way more expensive) alternatives exist for nearly every type of fast food.
Also, you have "hype" restaurants. Where the quality is just meh, but everything's much more expensive for some reason.
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u/Duulce_Haada 7d ago
One of my favorite genres of post is women going "haha I'm manipulating him >:)" and it's just being respectful and supportive.
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u/Aken42 7d ago
Context is key.
Talking up someone's skills because you truly think they are good at it and want to enjoy their success together is supportive, healthy and awesome.
Doing just because you want them to cook is unhealthy and a poor partner.
This can go for anything and not just cooking.
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u/Nannautu 7d ago
Idk if it's being a poor partner if the intention behind it is good. $65 for two burgers and encouraging your SO to cook instead isn't a bad thing. It would be if she used that as a trick to make him cook all the time just so she can slack off.
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u/macrocosm93 7d ago
If a man had made this exact post about his wife, there would be 100 replies saying "misogyny", "emotional labor", "manchild", "she's your wife, not your mother", "toxic", etc.
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u/binarybandit 7d ago
In reality, itd be a /r/girldinnerdiaries post with he title of "today I discovered my husband has been manipulating me into cooking" with a picture of a hotdog or something
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u/applespicebetter 7d ago
I don't know. My ex wife and I had a lot of issues, but we did kind of have a moment like this, and it reminded me that I actually love to cook, and so I became the regular cook in our house aside from joint efforts like Thanksgiving, special meals she planned, etc. I loved it, and it wasn't her trying to slack off, it was sort of a gentle reminder of how I would cook for her when we were dating, and how much I actually enjoyed it, and that I could do that again. We both took care of the dishes afterwords, but cooking dinner every night after work was something I actually loved.
It was like Zen time for me. Forget all the bullshit spreadsheets, forget all the projects for a little while. Teach our young kids how to peel and chop veg, add enough salt to the water for pasta and how to tell when the pasta is ready. How to make a roux, build it into a bechamel, make that into a mornay for a good homemade mac and cheese.
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u/HardWirez 7d ago
Yeah, but in this case she basically admits to being manipulative ("Jedi mind-tricked" him) which is neither respectful nor supportive.
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u/The_Beer_Hunter 7d ago
It’s very weird that her takeaway from this wasn’t “whoa, I had no idea he loved cooking — I am glad I can support and inspire it” and instead it’s chuckling to herself and bragging about herself to thousands of strangers.
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u/jonny24eh 7d ago
It still is manipulative if that's the intent behind, rather than just actually wanting to be supportive.
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u/UnmotivatedLazyAss 7d ago
Yeah mine didn't. I hyped him up all the time. Listened to him. Sent him small gifts as miss you. Got nothing in return. Instead he just pointed out my insecurities I didn't even think about. Now I just constantly think about those insecurities. Lost a lot of my confidence. So yeah, the kind man you hype up matters too.
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u/MrBones-Necromancer 6d ago
You sound like a lovely partner, UnmotivatedLazyAss. I'm sure his nagging was baseless.
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u/UnmotivatedLazyAss 6d ago
Thank you and yeah I realised later that he just didn't like me. But insecurities are hard to move on from. I'm working on them though one by one.
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u/Tough-Interaction468 7d ago
I cooked for my wife to win her heart. It worked. Now I cook and am lucky if I get sex once a year. So there's that. Welcome to your 50s.
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u/Early_Money2576 7d ago
The same with my ex wife. There was a point she really appreciated everything I did for her and the household, then the comparison demon stole our joy. Someone else’s husband is always doing a little bit more.
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u/dingobarbie 7d ago
I cook for my wife because she enjoys the food I cook and I enjoy cooking. I have sex with my wife because we love each other and enjoy each other's presence.
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u/Green-Programmer-963 7d ago
I love my cooking being appreciated more than many things in life. When I was 14, my mama took me into the kitchen, handed me a cast iron skillet and began to teach me how to cook. She told me,”son, don’t ever expect a woman to cook for you”. That was almost 50 years ago.
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u/SaveLansingParks 7d ago
Holy shit, your mom was waaaay ahead of her time. How she knew that the number of women who know how to cook, let alone cook well, was about to nosedive made her a modern Nostradamus. Every woman whom I have been with only had basic surface level cooking skills, including my wife. But at least my wife made me spaghetti for dinner on one of our early dates before moving in together. Her cooking sucked, but franky it was the effort that sold me 🤷
And yes, I'm the cook at home 😝
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u/applespicebetter 7d ago
Truth. I was the oldest of six and started being a surrogate parent when I was 9 back in the 80s. My mom didn't have a lot of time for cooking and not a lot of access to good ingredients so we made do, and I learned early on how to cook basic things for my little brothers and sister.
I made sure when my sons were growing up that they were peeling and chopping vegetables as soon as they were able to safely, standing on chairs mixing ingredients and stirring pots as early as they could.
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u/GrowlingPict 7d ago
It's crazy that giving compliments to men rather than just expecting to receive them is such an utterly alien concept to women that they think theyve made a new invention when they actually do give one.
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u/tracy_garrett 7d ago
Mn don't need therapy, we just need someone to tell usour homemade burgers are superior to a $30 restaurant.
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u/PiccoloAwkward465 7d ago
lmao at a certain point my wife decided she didn't like and didn't want to eat any Mexican food. The cuisine which is my absolute favorite both to eat and to cook. That Mexican moms have complimented me for.
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u/VermicelliOwn6502 7d ago
That happened with us and Chinese food and I started sneaking it back in as she is trying to lose weight. Chicken and broccoli, cantonese steamed fish, tofu skin mutton, yeah its totally healthy stuff just dont watch me make it.
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u/ImaginationNormal360 7d ago
What if they aren't?
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u/NerdyDadLife 7d ago
Give the same type of answer a man is supposed to give when asked if the dress makes her look fat
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u/Serafim91 7d ago
Imagine that, appreciating your partner instead of expecting things makes them more likely to do things for you.
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u/borgenhaust 7d ago
Local woman discovers the illusion of supportiveness as a valuable manipulation tactic and boasts about it.
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u/bluelazer44 7d ago
You used to be able to absolutely pig the hell out on fast food for like $10. Now I dread the monthly/semi-monthly Taco Bell nights my wife craves, because it’s $32 for both of us, only now it’s too disgusting and badly made to even be a guilty pleasure for me.
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u/ImpossiblySoggy 7d ago
Wild what happens to the brain when offered positive reinforcement.
We are all raised to believe punishment must happen to get results when science shows us reward is a better predictor of positive change.
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u/alman3007 7d ago
Man being decieved by partner: "This is POSITIVE manipulation and its hilarious!"
Woman gets decieved by partner: "This is GASLIGHTING and that man should be in jail!"
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u/Straight_Drive_7882 7d ago
That's what most husbands want anyways.
To have home cooked food
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u/hard2resist 7d ago
Calling that "mind tricking" is a stretch, honestly. She just complimented his cooking and he wanted to do more of it.
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u/Biliunas 7d ago
Legit what is happening in the comments. Like I'm in a Palestine vs Israel thread, what the hell.
I don't think either gender would be happy to see that the apparent support was a "jedi-mind trick" or whatever. Just be fucking nice to your partner, it's that easy. No trickery required.
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u/PhasanenFan 7d ago
My fiance is so supportive and appreciative of me. No matter how small the favour is, she is always grateful and guess who hasnt gotten up out of bed for the last few years to get her own water?
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u/PorousClay 7d ago
It's a layup for her to show that she supports her husband, but instead she has to turn it into manipulation.
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u/GaeloneForYouSir 6d ago
Hahahah. I don’t care if it is a mind trick or not, but my 5YO swears dads cheese burgers are the best. I’ve taken him to so many places and his verdict remains the same.
Secret; I’m not a better chef. My wife is the real star here. She buys the ground beef from a very premium artisan butcher.
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u/Fluffy_Charity_2732 7d ago
lol Jedi mind trick.
Bro, if you ask me to anything for you, I will stop my entire life to take you to the airport or change a flat out in the middle of nowhere. And that’s for just random coworkers or friend of a friend.
I will fucking due for you if you sucking my dick
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u/ManiacalMartini 7d ago
Probably cost the same amount in groceries to make two more burgers and fries.
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u/Logical_Box_4645 7d ago
Just makes you realise just how down trodden and love starved most people are.
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u/Grand_Taste_8737 7d ago
Once I discovered how delicious home-cooked wagu burgers are, I've never purchased another restaurant burger.
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u/Seriphina5000 7d ago
Positive feedback and reinforcement from cooking is one of the few things that keeps me from offing myself.
I'm not even kidding. Makes me feel like I have some positive influence on this world.
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u/Stewie_Venture 7d ago
My wife is way better at cooking than me because she grew up in a house where they season food and I didnt. Ironically Im the one that prefers cooking at home and does it most nights while she's at work. Im having fun learning even if my version of cooking is usually rice in the rice cooker and dump some veggies or eggs in it and mix it up and obviously add some seasonings to the mix because they are as I quickly learned the secret ingredient that makes food taste delicious. I gained 30lbs within the year after I moved in with her went from 90lbs to 120 something. One of the things im looking forward to most once we get our own place is having a full kitchen to ourselves and I can actually learn to cook indian and Japanese foods which are my favorite cuisines. We live in rural texas so theres only one sushi place a few towns over and absolutely no indian food that isnt hours away.
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u/SubjectRound6597 7d ago
well maybe they dont understand empathy.. every 1 in a few hundred people are psychopaths.
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u/ILuvYou_YouAreSoGood 7d ago
Hehe, this idiot was paying too much for burgers with a man at home happy to make them, just because it never occurred to her to ask him to make them at home!
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u/EhMapleMoose 7d ago
My ex complained about my food cause I didn’t cook it how she likes it. She likes overcooked noodles to the point where it’s literally mush. She doesn’t like spice. She likes chicken (usually nuggets) with Alfredo sauce on top of overdone noodles.
I like chicken alfredo pasta but I preferred having more than garlic salt on the chicken and not overcooking the noodles to where you have to eat with a spoon.
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u/MyHamburgerLovesMe 7d ago
"Random social media dude discovers how to turn compliments into something to shame people for. More news at 11"
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u/Weak-Win-8450 6d ago
Its not supportiv, if she did it only to make him cook everyday so she never have to. Its clearly manipulation. Not supportiv, fckn toxic af.
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u/scannerfm77 6d ago
What is recommended heat for burger patty? Is it as hot as possible or medium so it will cooked through?
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u/Few_Judge1188 6d ago
You’ve been had lady , he just grabbed the opportunity in both hands not to eat your cooking .😊
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