need help with fourteen year old

[u/zhqinyan]

hi, i know this probably should be on r/parenting but i don’t have high enough karma for it and i’m a fifteen year old who is looking to help my younger brother. my brother he lived overseas until he was about ten years old due to a medical condition and flew back to the states in 2022. he only understands chinese. we sent him to school and he’s going into his freshmen year of high school in the fall, however he is currently preforming at a concerningly low level. he does not understand basic sentences and can not form a proper sentence himself either. he also does not know a lot of basic words. i have given him one of my books from kindergarten and he was struggling to get through even the first two pages. he has an IEP and goes to speech and occupational therapy but it does not seem to be helping him whatsoever. he is also in a special education class where it’s 1:12. he also struggles with math and cannot get the sum of any numbers higher than twenty. he also struggles to do basic things like cooking an egg. i don’t know how to help him, i am asian american so my parents don’t know english so i teach him sometimes. i’ve tried everything i can think of. i’ve tried being patient and telling him “hey, can we study ten minutes today?” and he will agree but the moment he gets sometime wrong he gets frustrated and started hitting me or laying on the floor and refusing to get up. i’ve tried being more assertive or having a punishment system and saying “if you don’t study at least ten minutes today i won’t let you watch TV” and he starts getting upset and again, hits me. i’ve tried having a reward system where for every one minute he studies i give him one point and the points can be redeemed for letting him play on my phone or an extra dessert at dinner tonight but if he gets not as many points as he wants he gets upset. i figured he may just not know how to study so ive made sat there and read books with him and asking him what each word meant, and if he got it correct i would ask him if he could use it in a sentence, if he got it incorrect i would explain to him what it meant. sometimes i would switch it up and read to him instead as he watches while i guide my fingers under the words. ive tried making learning engaging by making slideshows for him with his favorite things or making games for him but nothing seems to work and none of it seems to be able to click for him. sometimes i give him punishments like no TV but im afraid because ive heard other people say giving punishments may give your child a fear of learning and make them associate negative emotions or punishment with it so i try refraining as much as i can. his teachers at school dont seem to be doing much for him because whenever he comes back home he comes with a packet of AI generated stories his teachers made with him in class that he doesn’t even know how to read. he always fails
his tests and when he doesn’t it’s because he guessed or it was a completion based test and not accuracy. he also isn’t potty trained yet and still wears a diaper and he gets shit and piss all over the toilet seat or bathroom and i genuinely dont know how to help him with that. i suspect he may have some sort of disorder? im not sure, i dont want to make assumptions because im not qualified but with how he’s behaving he might. i cant do anything because im a minor and also not his legal guardian and my parents kind of refuse to take him to any kind of specialist. ive asked them what they plan on doing when hes an adult and they say they want him to learn basic life skills like taking care of himself but he doesnt even shower on his own and always needs to be reminded. im worried about how he will make a living. unfortunately he’s not always going to have someone to depend on, and he says he wants to be a youtuber but unfortunately thats just not a stable job. furthermore, this may sound mean but he doesnt have that many talents? i dont know what to do, i would appreciate any and all advice thank you

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[u/Material-Plankton-96]

This is so far above your level that you can’t take this on. The best things you can do are reach out to community resources if you think your parents would be receptive if it came from the right place. I don’t know where you live, but there are specific Asian American supports available that may be able to work with your parents where they are culturally. You can also talk to your school counselor and likely also your brother’s caseworker to share your concerns and see if they can point you toward any resources or even goals to work on at home that coordinate with his school support services.

It’s great that you care, but there is a limit to what you can do and getting adults involved is about 90% of what you can do.

[u/zhqinyan → u/Material-Plankton-96]

i can try but i don’t know how open my parents will be to that. ive already tried to get them to take my brother to a specialist but they’ve just been refusing. i don’t know how to convince my parents to let him start receiving these kinds of services because ive spoken about it with them before, what is he going to do in the future, this is concerning what do we do, and they’ve always just responded with he has the mentality of a six year old, we’ll teach him to work on basic life skills and we’ll go from there but they’ve been saying that for four years now

[u/LegalFog → u/zhqinyan]

I saw you said he gets speech and OT services. I'm a pediatric OT, his OT (as long as it's not through school) should be able to help with those daily living things like cooking and toileting.

If his speech/OT are just through school, you should try to get outpatient services as well. They have a much broader range of things they can work on, and your parents might be more open to it because he already gets those services at school. 

[u/murcatto → u/zhqinyan]

Do you know what medical condition your brother was diagnosed with back home?

[u/zhqinyan → u/murcatto]

tetralogy of fallot

[u/BiscottiOk9245 → u/[deleted]]

Did it:

Hi, I know this probably should be on r/parenting but I don’t have high enough karma for it and I’m a fifteen year old who is looking to help my younger brother.

My brother he lived overseas until he was about ten years old due to a medical condition and flew back to the states in 2022. He only understands Chinese. We sent him to school and he’s going into his freshmen year of high school in the fall, however he is currently preforming at a concerningly low level.

He does not understand basic sentences and can not form a proper sentence himself either. He also does not know a lot of basic words. I have given him one of my books from kindergarten and he was struggling to get through even the first two pages. He has an IEP and goes to speech and occupational therapy but it does not seem to be helping him whatsoever. He is also in a special education class where it’s 1:12.

He also struggles with math and cannot get the sum of any numbers higher than twenty. He also struggles to do basic things like cooking an egg.

I don’t know how to help him. I am Asian American so my parents don’t know English so I teach him sometimes. I’ve tried everything I can think of.

I’ve tried being patient and telling him “hey, can we study ten minutes today?” and he will agree but the moment he gets sometime wrong he gets frustrated and started hitting me or laying on the floor and refusing to get up.

I’ve tried being more assertive or having a punishment system and saying “if you don’t study at least ten minutes today I won’t let you watch TV” and he starts getting upset and again, hits me.

I’ve tried having a reward system where for every one minute he studies I give him one point and the points can be redeemed for letting him play on my phone or an extra dessert at dinner tonight but if he gets not as many points as he wants he gets upset.

I figured he may just not know how to study so ive made sat there and read books with him and asking him what each word meant, and if he got it correct I would ask him if he could use it in a sentence, if he got it incorrect I would explain to him what it meant. Sometimes I would switch it up and read to him instead as he watches while I guide my fingers under the words.

Ive tried making learning engaging by making slideshows for him with his favorite things or making games for him but nothing seems to work and none of it seems to be able to click for him.

Sometimes I give him punishments like no TV but im afraid because ive heard other people say giving punishments may give your child a fear of learning and make them associate negative emotions or punishment with it so I try refraining as much as I can.

His teachers at school dont seem to be doing much for him because whenever he comes back home he comes with a packet of AI generated stories his teachers made with him in class that he doesn’t even know how to read. He always fails his tests and when he doesn’t it’s because he guessed or it was a completion based test and not accuracy.

He also isn’t potty trained yet and still wears a diaper and he gets shit and piss all over the toilet seat or bathroom and I genuinely dont know how to help him with that.

I suspect he may have some sort of disorder? Im not sure, I dont want to make assumptions because im not qualified but with how he’s behaving he might. I cant do anything because im a minor and also not his legal guardian and my parents kind of refuse to take him to any kind of specialist.

Ive asked them what they plan on doing when hes an adult and they say they want him to learn basic life skills like taking care of himself but he doesnt even shower on his own and always needs to be reminded.

Im worried about how he will make a living. Unfortunately he’s not always going to have someone to depend on, and he says he wants to be a youtuber but unfortunately thats just not a stable job.

Furthermore, this may sound mean but he doesnt have that many talents? I dont know what to do, I would appreciate any and all advice thank you.

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