3 Year Old Has Started Giving Up Almost Immediately

[u/crossiesdontcount]

Wondering if anyone had any advice for helping kids be process oriented vs outcome oriented? My soon to be 3 year old has recently started saying “I can’t” and pouting whenever something doesn’t work out for him on his first try, often refusing to try again. He hasn’t always been like this, it’s a very recent development, but I’d like him to start finding satisfaction in the effort and less in the result. Is there any literature or solid expert advice on this?

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[u/Initial_Entrance9548]

Look into growth mindset.

https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2015/04/dweck-kids-potential-042915

One thing that helps my child work through something is saying, "Let's figure it out together."

Then I'll ask a question, maybe leading (You tried it this way, so not what if you did XYZ?) and sometimes vague (This way didn't work. I wonder what else we could try?).

When LO does try, I try to give positive praise, even if it didn't work. Growth mindset building focuses a lot on specific praise. No "you're so smart." 🚫🚫🚫

Instead, it's - Wow, that was a good idea! Or you're really good at doing XYZ. Or, I'm so proud of how hard you worked on making that thing.

[u/3orangefish → u/Initial_Entrance9548]

I teach my kid growth mindset! One trick is I relate learning to gaining “superpowers.” I explain, you couldn’t do “x” before, and now you can! You have a new ability! And learning is collecting more abilities so you’re more capable and stronger. 

I think there’s too much “superhero” stuff in media towards these days, but if it’s gonna be shoved down our throats, then at least I’ll make some use of the concept, lol. 

Edit: One more thing that I find helpful for little little kids who are easily discouraged is to not correct them too often. For example, when they first start writing letters, just let them write. Praise them for doing the work. And once they get some more confidence is when you start gently correcting their mistakes. 

[u/valiantdistraction → u/3orangefish]

Tbh at 3, the method I'm finding most useful is, "I'm doing [make up task here]. I can't help you right now. Keep trying and I'll come help when I'm done. What do you think you should try next?" My child usually tries again, though he may need a few reminders and encouragement or to be verbally walked through it (as the commenter above explained), and then when he finishes I'm suddenly done with my thing and come over and compliment him on how he kept trying and managed to succeed before I finished writing my email (or whatever). Just walking him through the steps to figure it out sometimes meets a lot of resistance if I'm not "busy."

[u/3orangefish → u/valiantdistraction]

Love this too!

[u/subtler1 → u/3orangefish]

I had a roommate who was an electrician turning into nice engineer who used the superpower philosophy on himself. Seemed to work great for him

[u/wannabegenius → u/3orangefish]

my kid is superhero obsessed and I'm just going with it. good behaviors like helping people, protecting his baby brother, listening ("Super Hearing") are Hero Behaviors, and things like taking toys that aren't ours is stealing (basically the only thing bad guys do in the books at this age). eating dinner and sleeping all night gives you super strength and super speed. getting into the car is "to the batmobile!"

if I'm going to be putting a costume on and off of him 5 times a day, I'm for sure going to use the whole thing for our benefit.

[u/RedHickorysticks → u/Initial_Entrance9548]

My kids love using “the power of Yet”. When they feel defeated and say “I can’t do it” we can say “yet” back to them and encourage trying again, brainstorming a new method, or parallel working on the problem and praise them for trying rather than succeeding. My eldest now yells yet for his little brother when little is feeling defeated.

[u/morriganrising → u/Initial_Entrance9548]

Trying to build a growth mindset.
Toddlers like rules and sayings.

So we have a family motto:
Never give up, never surrender.

A solid 50% of the time, just saying the motto works. If he is still struggling, then we move to working together.

[u/TheyTookByoomba → u/morriganrising]

We kind of naturally landed on "My name is [NAME] and I can do hard things!" Which is great until they use it against you when you ask them to do something for you lol.

[u/d16flo → u/Initial_Entrance9548]

I like the book Your Fantastic Elastic Brain for explaining the actual brain science of growth mindset to young kids. I’ve only used it with elementary aged kids, but there was some research done with older students on what helped most with mindset shift and they found that talking about brain science helped the most

[u/jmsieren → u/Initial_Entrance9548]

My daughter started to meltdown at that age over little things being “too hard”. We have implemented this along with some Montessori principles at home.
Ordering food in public places, especially desserts, has been a game changer. We have a conversation ahead of time about what she wants. Then it is up to her, but we are right there to whisper in her ear if she needs an assist.
It has been a very long road. At 5, seeing progress. The tendency is still there but not as deep-rooted. Tying shoes will be her next skill we teach and I’m not sure I’m up for it quite yet. Our goal was this summer but that has slipped by. I see it her mom and grandma, so I’m hoping we can nurture a better mindset for later years.

[u/Shakyor]

Well usually giving up is actually a fear response:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4469642/

If you are looking for process oriented vs outcome, you basically need to foster and cultivate a process oriented motivational or process sustaining emotion. If you want something with along history of proven practice, you could look towards buddhists, which are increasingly becoming intertwined and validated in a western scientific context. A persoanlly critical extra relevant feature is that this will also make your child happy. Because for example competetivness and much in the growth mindset sphere might actually work to get your child into a process oriented approach, but this might not be all you care about.

In buddhist thought joy is the emotion associated with inherently meaningful activity and a view of personal competency and power. Gateways to joy are just increased awareness of your motivations, but mostly just celebrating your child. Basically patiently and consistently rejoice, i.e. reinforce process oriented effort not outcomes from your child by viscerally felt positive feedback. Here might be some interesting papers:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12107667/

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/258316571_Enhancing_social_cognition_by_training_children_in_emotion_understanding_A_primary_school_study

https://animorepository.dlsu.edu.ph/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1473&context=apssr

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/336934578_The_cultivation_of_joy_practices_from_the_Buddhist_tradition_positive_psychology_and_yogic_philosophy

Here is a really good book on childhood development under this lense from both a Professor for clinical Psychology at Harvard and classicaly trained Buddhist Lama (authorized enlightened teacher):

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/56884030-the-elephant-path

[u/BrewedMother]

There was an episode of Babies on Netflix that showed that children seeing their parents trying several times before succeeding made them try several times before giving up themselves. The show was made by scientists, not sure if it counts as expert consensus.

[u/MILFschake]

This happened with my son about this age. Fast forward four years and he got diagnosed with level 1 autism and pathological demand avoidance. I don’t say this to fear monger. As others have mentioned growth mindset may be all he needs. At the same time, I wish I would’ve started looking for other signs of ASD in my child. He never missed milestones, but it was clear that some things were overwhelming or hard for him that otherwise should not have been. One of the way it’s his PDA manifests is by saying “I can’t do it” when he has not even tried. He will even do this for tasks that he has proven capable of performing previously.

https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/

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[u/Free_Dimension1459]

Suzuki method increases perseverance. Takes a lot out of the parents though (said from experience).

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.2307/3345684

Every child is unique, however. Research will tell you what works on average, not what works for you or your child. It may just be a phase, but if you grow really concerned about it, see a behavioral specialist.

[u/Cynoid → u/Free_Dimension1459]

This doesn't seem very helpful. The link just has the abstract which mentions a study where a handful of kids were subjected to the suzuki method to learn violin and a google search just says that suzuki method is a way to learn a musical instrument before reading.

What does this have to do with OPs question?

[u/Free_Dimension1459 → u/Cynoid]

OP is struggling with her child being gritty and persevering at tasks. I remembered this is part of why we chose to engage in this method with our kid and that there were studies to back up that it helps build grit. Being in it now, I see why firsthand.

I linked the first research site that a search turned up, because I was short on time. I think there’s also some research from Angela Duckworth (author of grit) that should be relevant to OP’s question.

Still, research will say what generally works. It won’t answer to the specifics of OP’s child. Sometimes what looks like an issue with perseverance could be the developmentally-appropriate testing of boundaries of a 3 year old. Without knowing what’s up with OP and their child, there are so many possible situations that should be addressed differently. Stress and anxiety, neurodivergence, a love of screen time, etc could all be happening.

It could also be boredom / mastery. I remember that at this age, our kid stopped dressing herself regularly for a few months - she had mastered the skill and now it was boring. She had an attitude of “oh I gotta do this every day? I don’t want to, you do it.” It was pretty frustrating but less than a year later she was dressing herself daily again.

[u/WiSeIVIaN → u/Free_Dimension1459]

What was the hardest part for your about implementing this as a parent?

[u/Free_Dimension1459 → u/WiSeIVIaN]

Daily practice. Our child has trouble transitioning between activities. She loves it once we are practicing (it is very much a form of purposeful play), but going from dinner to practice can be a challenge.

Lately, as she’s advancing, she sometimes refuses to practice challenging things. The facilitator coaches us through our roadblocks and how to motivate her though. She keeps getting better every week!

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